[EXPRESSO] Cobweb (2023) | Content’s Gonna Content

So yeah, why i’m reviewing this now, since it released in 2023?

Because i watched it some days ago, a casual watch on Netflix without any plan beyond that, but i’d figured doing an EXPRESSO review of it would be better than reworking another old review.

So yeah, Cobweb. Peter (not that one) is a shy boy raised by his overprotective parents, and one day hears noises coming from his inside his bedroom walls. Then the noises become a voice distinctly calls out to him…..

Being Samuel Bodin’s directorial debut, it’s not bad, it’s not definitely not boring, i’ll say that much, though it’s definitely one of those horror films where you can easily trace back the many Frankenstein-ed body parts it borrows, pillaging from The Exorcist, the 2000’s J-Horror trend, the parents having dark secrets they hide from the boy, aping Babadook, etc.

It’s utterly derivative to the bone, but to its credit, it does almost manage to mix the archetypes and cliches into something of its own, and while it’s perfectly predictable all the way, the execution is solid, there are some nice ideas, a decent atmosphere that’s very in the vein of the Grimm fairytales, some creepy moments, acting is quite good, so even it feels familiar, it’s quite entertaining enough that you wanna see it through even if you correctly guessed where it’s going in the first 20 minutes.

Sadly all these ideas and inspirations never come fully together, and i would have still given it a “decent” rating if it wasn’t for the ending, which actually crystalizes the issue of “vagueness for vagueness” sake and honestly feel like they stopped 1 scene earlier than planned.

Even so, it’s quite an ok watch, it’s arguably better than most of the latest Blumhouse theatharical releases, for example.

12 Days Of Dino Dicember #44: Dinosaur Hotel 3 (2024)

Yeah, no waiting about another year, i’m reviewing both Dinosaur Hotel sequels back to back, hoping to Dino Saint Nicholas Of Myra that 2025 doesn’t bring out a Dinosaur Hotel 4.

Please, Jagged Edge Productions, focus on the Winnie The Pooh and fairy tale slasher stuff instead, because to say i didn’t enjoy any of the Dinosaur Hotel films so far.. it’s being overly kind.

Honestly i think i enjoyed working more than the first Dinosaur Hotel, the sequel was a slight improvement but still an experience that felt like a thousand years had passed since i started the film, despite the 72 minutes runtime, but that one had an open ending that was very “battle royale-esque” of sorts, with the frontman/creator going rogue to get back at the new people running the show that tried to push him, leaving on that plot thread for Dinosaur Hotel 3 to pick up.

Oh i guess SPOILERS. Who cares. I don’t. And these movies have barely a plot anyway, the characters are stereotypes at best, and are a struggle to sit through, so bite me, as they say, i’d rather you not bother even for the morbid curiosity some dino buffs might want to satisfy.

Heck, no one even bothered to leave a review on IMDB for this one, that does say a lot.

Continua a leggere

12 Days Of Dino Dicember #43: Dinosaur Hotel 2 (2022)

To say i didn’t like the first Dinosaur Hotel is being nice, but that won’t change the fact it had some of the worst CG i’ve seen in a while, even for modern cheap low budget dinosaur flicks the effects were plainly pathetic, the premise old and already done better years before.

But since this is a modern low budget dino flick from the UK (it’s another Jagged Edge Production thingie, the same company backing the Winnie The Pooh slasher films, BTW), a sequel was bound to happen… and at least it happened fast, i guess, since only 1 year later, Dinosaur Hotel 2 hit the internet and general VOD services in some regions, and this year they dropped another sequel with Dinosaur Hotel 3. At least they keep the titling consistent and simple.

Curiously, if a movie like this would have been released in the 90s, it would have done the usual “sequel in name only” shuffle we’ve discussed countless times before, but in this case we’re doing actual sequels, for best or worst, even if it doesn’t quite matter, as we’re still doing the same idea, again, with people doing a survival game in a place full of dinosaurs, with the jackpot for the lone survivor being ONE MIL-oh, wait 10 MILLION DOLLARS, gotta outbid Dr. Evil.

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Elves (1989) [REVIEW] | Nazicest Gobbo-Grizzly Conspiracy

This is a quasi-well known one, it has a certain reputation, but i’m willing to cover it anyway because it’s still one of the strangest fuckin horror film i’ve ever seen, it’s still unique, as in “who the hell comes up with this stuff” kind of unique, sure as shit there’s nothing quite as absurd, even with the plenty batshit delirium that comes with vintage holiday horror films, Christmas related or not.

It’s just not everyday you get a movie about Christmas elves that’s also about Nazis, has a demonic conspiracy to breed the Aryan “Master Race” which involves incest and blood rituals, and just calling it “Elves” it’s a great Trojan-horsing manouver, how the fuck can one expect this level of obscene and absurd with such a simple, direct title?

It’s a deranged mish mash in many ways than you both and would not assume, because you’d expect a creature feature movie following in the vein of Gremlins, like Critters, Ghoulies, Munchies… and to an extend that is correct, as we’ll see later.

Strap in, because we’re in for quite the ride, one that Dan Haggerty (of The Life and Times Of Grizzly Adams’ fame) wasn’t happy to partake in one bit, despite being the protagonist, as sometimes you can almost see his genuine stunned yet unamused, baffled reaction to the dialogues he’s forced to hear coming from the other actors’ mouths.

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[EXPRESSO] The Strangers – Chapter 1 (2024) | Paint A Vulgar Picture

In case you didn’t know, after 2018’s The Strangers: Prey At Night, someone decided the way forward for the series… was a remake-reboot trilogy.

It doesn’t sound like a good idea, and as far as Chapter 1 (this film) is concerned, it isn’t.

I’m not being hyperbolic when i say this is one of the more pointless, useless remakes/reboots i’ve ever seen, this is up there with Brahms -The Boy II in terms of shitting on your previous films and undoing any goodwill, while delivering a very crap film in itself.

In terms of plot, this is a remake of 2008’s The Strangers, with a couple that are passing the night in an isolated cabin in the woods, when their residence gets invaded by a trio of masked murderer.

There’s no original or interesting twist, or anything that drastically deviates from or adds to the first film, and while i’d rightfully complain about this remake just adding laughably cliched fluff

, originality is the last of the The Strangers Chapter 1′ problems, which can be honestly summed up as this being a notably, drastically inferior version of the 2008 movie in EVERY single aspect.

I do mean it when i say that just about everything that worked in the original The Strangers here plainly doesn’t.

Plus, since it’s also the first chapter of a trilogy…there’s no real ending this time, as someone gotta survive the killers for the other two movies to happen. I guess.

It’s not even that boring, all things considered, but it’s still so shitty, creatively bankrupt, fundamentally pointless and stupid it’s infuriating, an utter cash grab and a complete waste of time, even at 90 minutes.

It’s gonna be VERY, VERY hard for The Strangers Chapter 2 and 3 (coming both next year) to be worse.

[EXPRESSO] Longlegs (2024) | Itsy Bitsy

Oz Perkins (Psycho 2, The Blackcoat’s Daughter, Gretel And Hansel) is back with the awaited horror-thriller Longlegs.

Set in 90s Oregon, the story sees Harper Lee (Maika Monroe), a newly recruited FBI agent, sent out to collect info on the serial killer that slaughtered entire families over the last two decades, signing cypher letters he leaves on the murder scenes as “LONGLEGS”, when she has an intuition that lets her immediatly find the house where the killer is hiding in.

While managing to escape, the hunt is on, and as Harper keeps putting together the scarse and often cyphered info available, she not only notices the murders having some ritualistic pattern to them (like the focus on details about children), but that she herself is somehow involved or known to the killer in some fashion she not aware of.

It’s a brutal thriller that soaks itself in an “old fashion”-esque style, not only by using exploitation-style editing (and playing with the screen format to replicate the old 8mm films feel in flashbacks, for example), but also in how it handles the plot and the supernatural element in it, in a way that enhances the grisly nature of the events while also giving an explanation that doesn’t undermine (or contrast in any semblance) the creepiness of it all, especially thanks to an amazing performance of the Manson-esque killer by an almost unrecognizable Nicholas Cage.

It’s also not a very long movie, but it’s pretty intense, manages to make you question the nature of the killer and its methods until the end, and the reveal is not out of nowhere or feels out of place with the detective/police procedural stuff, making for a maybe slightly retro horror thriller, but damn if it ain’t some extra creepy, deliriously morbid fuckin shit.

Quite recommended.

[EXPRESSO] Terrifier 3 (2024) | A Terrifier HallowXmas

As an avid Terrifier fan that have been religiously followed the series since it debuted, i was so happy to learn Terrifier 3 was not only gonna be released in theathers here too, but also get a Halloween preview screening.

Terrifier 3 continues the story from where that delirious ending of the second film left us… not before a prologue of Art The Clown invading a house dressed as Santa to massacre them all, because its the third one, might as well also make it a killer Santa movie too.

That said, after the events of Terrifier 2 the two surviving siblings tried to move on, with the brother going to college and Sienna being released from a mental health clinic, but they both feel Art is somehow back, to the disbelief of everyone else…

It’s also the longest Terrifier film yet, reasonably so, as it does expand and explain the main lore and puts in prospective certain events from previous films, escalating even further the stakes and finding many creative ways for him and the deformed Vicky to be even more sadistic, morbid and graphic with the kills, which are even more excessive and depraved than before, running the gamut from classics like chainsaws, hammer, to animals and improptu murder gizmos.

It’s the kind of movie that should come with a barf bag, William Castle style, because it utterly unfliching, unbound and uncaring of who gets the axe (including some unexpected cameos) and how, before and after Art does his deranged mime routine and clown antics with gusto.

I would have given it the best vote i could for EXPRESSO if it was the final film in the series, would have been a perfect point to stop, but on the other hand i DO wanna see more of Art.

The Callisto Protocol PS4 [REVIEW] | Ape Espace

When a beloved new IP is run into the ground and compromised by EA, that tried to squeeze Call Of Duty money out of a horror franchise and even had microtransactions inserted in the last mainline title…. seeing the publisher basically give up and do nothing with it for years is frustrating, even more so when the finale was followed up by a DLC retconning the ending.

And the inevitable homicide by EA of Visceral Games, after the routine danse macabre of shuffling them into developing completely different games of a completely different genre, lamenting how the star shaped peg doesn’t fit into the durian shaped hole, was the cherry on the corpse sundae.

So of course this leaves a specific hole in the market for “spiritual sequels” to fill, and mind you, this was announced before EA announced their own remake of the first Dead Space.

And on paper, The Callisto Protocol sounded exactly what fans of the series like me wanted, a “fuck you” to the vampiric publisher that wasn’t serving an audience starved for that action-horror sci fi dish, done outside of their control, with even some of the original creators of the series involved.

This is the kind of underdog story that we wanna see, as apparently everyone hates EA, and only EA for some stupid reasons, but alas this is not quite what actually happened.

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Technical Difficulties

Having a lot of issues with the PC i can’t no longer ignore because i can barely use it.

I’ll try to fix in a matter of days or see if i can post via the smartphone WordPress app, even though i lack stuff i can only access on PC. Maybe i’ll post some of the EXPRESSO reviews i have been holding on in the meantime.

Hope to fix it soon. we’ll see.

[EXPRESSO] Smile 2 (2024) | Aphex Twin

Smile was a surprise release in many regards, but i guess we couldn’t leave it alone as a single good horror film, hence there’s a “sequel”, quotations because after seeing the trailer i figured this was more of a loose continuation than anything else.

While is true that the plot basically doesn’t really require to have seen Smile to be followed, it does actually pick up after its ending, with a police officer trying to pass on the curse on a couple of criminals, somehow managing that only to try escaping and getting torn apart by a car that smashes over him. Later on, in NY, we follow popstar Skye Riley preparing her comeback tour, after struggling with drug abuse and surviving a car crash that killed her boyfriend, a famous actor.

While she is helped by her mother, manager and assistant, Riley sneak out to buy vicodin for her crippling back pain from a dealer that begins to sport a vicious smile, and then kills himself before her, passing on the curse…

The first Smile worked so well in spite of everything sounding like it shouldn’t, committing to the idea and making for quite the good film that managed to walk the fine line between the silly and the freaky, and this one is arguably another surprise, as it does know the novelty factor of the “Richard D. James” face is gone, so it upstages the first in gore, jumpscares, plot, spectacle, freaky visuals, special effects, arguably even in terms of main character, with Naomi Scott being great as the manic, guilt ridden popstar with everything to lose from even the smallest fuck up on her way to reclaim her career.

It’s a rare case of a sequel being on par with the first good entry, arguably even better.