F. K.

I was about to ramble on about the Switch 2 reveal and ramble on some upcoming (sooner or later) reviews, but then i was scrolling Twitter (yeah, i know), and heard almost live of David Lynch’s passing. RIP, i know he will, but what the fuck.

I should stop here, but i will ramble on a bit on what’s coming next month, since i don’t want this to be just a “RIP post”.

as previously announced, he rewrite will come out in a couple of days, when we will resume regular publication, and hopefully soon i can hit the cinemas again and review stuff like the recently release new Wolf Man movie by Leigh Whannell, and maybe catch up on stuff like Zemeckis’ Here. Maybe.

I will have a relatively early EXPRESSO review out for Companion, that much i know, i would have liked to have a review for that “defunct” Marvel Avengers live-service thingie since the new Captain America film is coming mid-February here….but i got so bored with it months ago and i couldn’t yet muster back any will to slum through the side sludge, so instead i will unearth a relatively new shitfest from Italy that i’m sure you won’t have heard, even if you lived here, let’s just say it’s related to that fuckin atrocious Avatar parody, Anatar.

Monster March is planned as usual, and i have plans for Aprils regarding a certain famous French duo, but they aren’t finalized… yet.

In the meantime, i’ll have a toast in Lynch’s honour.

Bye.

Godzilla GB [REVIEW] | Chibizilla Made A Maze

the lesser known but far funnier PAL cover of the game.

Yep, the one you might remember as part of the AVGN Godzilla episode, with the Godzilla chibi sprites, Puzzle Bubble-esque music, we’re doing this Godzilla game this Giant Monster March, because why not after downing shitty licensed affair such as – but not limited to – the PS3-PS4 Godzilla game?

Curiously, this isn’t an entirely random game, per sé, as this Game Boy title is actually a port of the MSX title Godzilla-kun by Compile (yes, the same company that would become Compile Heart and crank out Neptunia titles by the dozens), done by Compile themselves, and the game in turn was based on Godzilland’s merchandise line that had chibi versions of Big G and the various kaijus.

The only differences between the original japanese GB release and the localized American & European ones is the rescue target, as in the original japanese version various monsters kidnap Godzilla’s girlfriend, Bijira (which was apparently a thing), and the western one they kidnapped his son, Minilla, and trapped him in a maze.

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Ape VS Mecha Ape (2023) [REVIEW] #giantmonstermarch

As we all knew it, the adventures of “untrademarked simian monster” would continue after his debut against “copyright free atomic dinosaur”, after all Ape Vs Monster was one of the few new modern Asylum movies that people gave a shit aknowledging at all, as they basically resorted to rip-off themselves for the most part, but that’s another review, and with Jagged Edge Productions now outilining clearly their shared cinematic universe called Twisted Childhood (planned to end with Poohniverse: Monster Assemble in 2025) after unleashing the first Winnie The Pooh slasher, Winnie The Pooh Blood & Honey… the Asylum spirit lives on stronger and worse than ever.

For todays’ feature though we have to kinda go back to Toho’s handling of the Kong property during the 1960s, as after the first King Kong VS Godzilla there was a follow-up… as in, Toho made another King Kong monster film back in 1967, King Kong Escapes, again a Japanese-American collaboration, but not a sequel to King Kong VS Godzilla (which is even funnier considering that film too ignored everything but the first Godzilla film), that would make some sense.

No, instead it was based more around the animated children TV series The King Kong Show, a collaboration between Toho and Rankin Bass, co-produced by Videocraft International and Toho Animation, and featured – in the japanese kaiju tradition – a mecha antagonist version of the protagonist monster, called Mekani-Kong, created by an evil genius called Dr. Who, not fans of the BBC show, but more of the then common asian evil genius scientist-mastermind, as popularized in Bond films and spy flicks of the era in general, with the obviously attached racism.

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What To Do With The Dead Kaiju? (2022) [REVIEW] #giantmonstermarch

In what i assume it’s attempt at doing a “post-kaiju” type of treatment to the kaiju formula, while also echoing somewhat the old austerity-driven Daigoro VS Goliath, the movie by director-writer Satoshi Miki makes it clear from the title this isn’t a tale about how humanity pushed back against the monster, but instead about its aftermath, and it’s a fitting concept that makes sense as an evolutionary attempt for the genre in question, after Shin Godzilla basically laid the groundwork.

The plot starts with the big bad kaiju dying, with the people cheering, and the carcass of the creature is nicknamed “hope” for the many potential uses it could have.

But as you’d imagine, it soon begins to rot away and (stink aside) fears of explosions begin to arise, so it’s up to a selected crackpot team of weirdos, dubbed the Tokumutai, to dispose of the kaiju’s carcass with the future of Japanese’s economy at stake….

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It Came From Beneath The Sea (1955) [REVIEW] #giantmonstermarch

It was another age. Another time.

The land was green but not good, as it was irradiated with radioactive sludge.

It was indeed the age of the atoms, the nucular spectacular of what new horrors science could do, and then eventually what kind of cinematic entertaiment companies could spun out of the Atom Age fad, monster movies being the more obvious one, as even the second Godzilla movie was more cheesy, and more in tone with other disaster flicks where the giant creature stomping and romping about was in some way born or mutated by radioactive fallout.

Before mutated anything, there was a man that already stunned the world of cinema with its special effect wizardry, Ray Harryhausen, having learned the ways of the magic known as stop-motion animation from his mentor, the legendary Willis O’Brien, whom worked on bringing the original King Kong to life, as well as the dinosaurs in the 1925 film adaptation of The Lost World.

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Abyssal Spider AKA Mad Spider Sea (2020) [REVIEW] #giantmonstermarch

Want more spider movies? Want spiders so bad you’ll marry Rachnera Arachnera?

Well, here’s one about a fricking giant water spider from Taiwanese director Joe Chien.

No, it doesn’t involve a crew of on a ship trying to romance off the storm and the aquatic creatures, they just have to survive the weather and these mysterious things that attack them from the water, with the help of Aije, who previously survived a boat disaster where a large shadow in the abyss pulled the entire vessel into the depths….

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The Cyclops (1957) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

Really scraping the bottom of the Bert I. Gordon barrell with this one, but i did mention it twice before, and – as i said when reviewing 2008’s Cyclops – it’s not like we’re drowning in cyclops movies, at all, and this one has some of that “so bad it’s good” qualities, so for this year’s Giant Monster March’s finale it’s time to end as we begun, meaning to fall face first into a vat of Gouda, groan like a fuzzy giant toddler and “do the cyclops”.

At least it has Lon Chaney Jr. past his prime as a Universal horror star but not yet being reduced to a pathetic, drunken parody of himself (the epitome of that would be him in 1971’s Dracula VS Frankenstein, which nowadays is kind of a cursed movie as it was the undignified end of many actors careers and lives), not yet, here we have him in his post-glory phase were he did a lot of work pretty much any support roles in any kind of movie, mostly westerns, exotic adventure flicks, and horror films once in a while, mostly cheap, low budget, often indipendent productions.

The Cyclops definitely fits the bill, being a Bert I. Gordon film and what that entails, and here a plays a villanous mining expert in search of uranium, part of a posse led by the wife of a pilot that disappeared 3 years ago in the jungles of Mexico, as she still believes he’s alive despite all odds, but guess what, it’s a 50s b-movie, so the mining for radioactive material results in mutated everything, from spiders, lizards, eagles, mice and whatever animal stock footage Bert could superglue together.

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Cyclops (2008) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

The cyclops is one of the more unrepresented monsters, sure, it’s usually thrown in there if it there’s an adventure in ye old Greece of myth and monsters, alongside the usual suspects, in both videogames and movies, now that i think about it.

Then again, it’s ultimately just a variation of the giant archetype, but even so, the cyclops really hasn’t had much representation even in the monster movie genre and its many iterations even on overlyspecific types of killer animals.

Sure, there’s Dr Cyclops, but that’s just the stupid title given to basically the forerunner of the “shrinking people” trend of the ’40-50s, not that Bert I. Gordon’s The Cyclops from 1957 is any better, as they basically had the same guy of his War Of The Colossal Beast as the “cyclops”, quotiations marks because the monster’s face (or the actor’s make up/mask) is supposed to be melted off on due to radiation shit, so he has basically a “flesh bang” and only eye still visible, here’s your “cyclops”, looks like he fell face first into a barrel of radioactive cheese but didn’t get signed up by Troma for a series, so he slums into his own film alongside a disgraced Lon Chaney Jr.

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Gargantua (1998) [REVIEW] #giantmonstermarch

The very – and this case literal – enbodiment of “we have Godzilla at home”, though it’s american-flavoured Godzilla given the production and the year it came out, one year that lives in infamy for the Godzilla faithful, but wait, there’s actually more as this is also kinda E.T., guess the echoes of Nukie and Mac & Me made the idea survive till the very end of the millennium itself.

And speaking of rip-offs it’s not totally incorrect since this TV movie premiered the very same day early screening for 1998 Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla were held, so yeah, it is not a victim of circumstances or a project in production before that was hurried to “compete” (by trying to come out first in hope of fooling the less informed, as usual) with an upcoming big budget Hollywood film that happened to have a similar plot or subject matter.

Still, i think “rip-off” might be too strong a word, since it doesn’t even really tries to do emulate the Roland Emmerich movie, and it’s actually closer to Gorgo or Gappa (as there are more of the monster siblings and parents), because it does involve the “momma monster” coming of the seabed to retrieve “da baby” from an enclosure of sorts, in this case though it because underwater quakes made possible for some amphibious giant reptilian creatures to show up on the beaches of Malau, Hawaii, where a marine biologist has brought along his son for work and to hopefully process the recent loss of the mother.

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Giant Monster March is approaching the generators + Early April hiatus

It’s that time of year again where we let the MONSTERS FIGHT, even more as we have a new entry in Legendary’s Monsterverse with the collab episode of Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire hitting theathers internationally by the end of this month.

Also, i will be taking a break in April from the 1st up to the 14th of the month due to uni obligations and scholarly stuff, will be back from the 15th of April, though EXPRESSO review might still come out regardless.