Today i’m gonna ask you a question, answer sincerely.
Who exactly asked for a Zoombies 3?
I’m not even being sarcastic, i’m genuinely curious because i’m pretty sure most people that at least saw the first Zoombies didn’t knew it had a “sequel” to begin with. This is not a series that has anything as a following, as far as i understand.
But yes, this is actually the third movie in the Zoombies trilogy, despite the title.
Continua a leggere “Aquarium Of The Dead (2021) [REVIEW] | Aqua Zoombies”
Not be confused with the Polonia Brothers movie of the same released in 2017.
Or the SNL sketch.
Nope, this time we’re branching out a bit and taking one of the many (more than i expected, anyway) creature features from mainland China that manage to be known westward thanks to dedicated users reviewing them, and the various chinese companies realizing it’s easier to market these outside of China if they just put the movies on their Youtube channel with english subs.
Like this one, originally titled Luxingsha (which translates to “Land Shark”, as you could guess by now) and directed by Cheng Siyu, and at the time of reading available for free on Youtube with optional english, indonesian and vietnamese subs.
Continua a leggere “Land Shark (2020) [REVIEW] | China Deep Blue Sealab”
From the director of Frankenstein Reborn and Transmorphers comes more sharkxploitation, this time NOT from The Asylum, but Bitter End Media Group, a fairly new name, so i guess they decided to play it extra safe and extra stupid by having piranhas genetically crossbred with great white sharks. Why? For the bored New York rich assholes that weren’t content with banal piranha.
Of course the piranha-sized sharks get into the water supply, and your run-of-the-mill group of random people (in this case 3 exterminators and a nutty scientist that knows what damage these “piranha sharks” will – and do – cause) has to save the city before the army nukes it down.
It also happens to take place on Christmas, which could have helped it qualify for Dino Dicember, but sadly the alternate UK title of “Jurassic Piranhas” is a total lie, these aren’t ancient, extinct or a dinosaur of any sorts, they’re just breed in a lab.
Continua a leggere “Piranha Sharks AKA Jurassic Piranha (2016) [REVIEW] | Piranha Shark Tank”
After almost a year of searching the digital sea, i got hold of the legendary and obscure Brazilian Jaws spoof… like most of the few people that even knew about it did, by ordering a bootleg copy with english subs on a foreign DVD site, which delivered. I will not name or recommend this site, since the quality of the film was atrocious and the english subs where clearly handled by an online translator tool and/or a person who also doesn’t have a real grasp on english as a language.
I seriously doubt there’s even an official release of the movie in Brazil, and IMDB isn’t helping at all on this regard. It’s that barely documented, yes.
I’m gonna have to apologize in advance for the abysmal quality of the screenshots, but i have never seen better looking images of this movie online (there’s a trailer on youtube in decent quality), and i wouldn’t hold my breath for a Criterion re-release or anything like that anytime soon for Bacalhau, There’s not exactly much demand.
Continua a leggere “Bacalhau (1975) [REVIEW] | Brazilian Jaws”
No, it’s not a spin-off of the “Mega Shark” series, nor a companion piece to Mega Python VS Gatoroid, despite being all produced by The Asylum. It’s that other type of Asylum movie, a mockbuster, but one incredibly desperate, in a way.
As in, the usually try to fool people by chasing after popular big budget production with cheap, fast features titled in a similar way to the movies they’re trying to indirectly rip-off, the plot is usually quite – if not completely – different.
Which is why we ended up with Transmorphers and stuff like Age Of Tomorrow, among many others. But, as i said, they usually do this with huge Hollywood productions, to feed from the crumbs left by the “actual movies” people went to see in theathers.
In this case, it just happens in 2010 we got a very loose remake of the original Piranha from 1978, Piranha 3D, handled by one of the better modern directors for horror and genre cinema, Alexandre Aja, and he definitely crafted a good modern B-movie in the spirit of old Roger Corman creature features, quite good, quite fun, which a direct sequel, Piranha 3DD, which went completely for total exploitation (almost Troma style), and was also quite fun in its own right.
Continua a leggere “Mega Piranha (2010) [REVIEW] | Rider (Bycicle) KICK!”
It’s both banal and amazing how many shark movies exist, you’d figure there are plenty, but that’s not the case, there is an entire ocean of them. An ever-expanding ocean.
So much that some are pretty much to accidentally “fall through the cracks”, even if you own dozens upon dozens (almost thousand) of shark movies, and this one of them, found it at flea market. After triple checking i don’t already own this on DVD under a different name or it’s available to stream on Netflix or something, that is.
Wouldn’t be the first time.
But no, Blue Demon is just called Blue Demon pretty much everywhere in the world, and somehow i didn’t even heard about it. Or maybe i did and my brain removed it to store some porn, i dunno.
Continua a leggere “Blue Demon (2004) [REVIEW] | El Tiburon Pasa”
As promised, a monthful of shark movies starts now, but you’ll find it’s not quite totally about sharks, and some other ferocious fishes might be spotlighted for one reason or another, because here at Wise Cafe International we don’t discriminate about people getting eaten by anything or anyone… in movies.
But of course sharks are the main protagonist, it’s Shark Month after all!
Enjoy!
(btw, just managed to finally see A Promising Young Woman, holy shit!)
(no, a Girls Und Panzer retrospective isn’t afoot… YET)
Just a quick overview of what’s coming for the rest of the summer on the blog.
July will be Shark Month. Usually it is anyway, but this year i actually have managed to pile up enough material (despite everything), so there will be a shark movie review out each day, and maybe some EXPRESSO ones too, depending on when i can get to some releases in theathers.
August will yet again be a One Piece retrospective…. of the TV specials.
Last summer we did go over the featurettes, and it’s still too early for me to properly re-assess all the One Piece movies. Like i said before, i’d prefer some more time to pass,, in order to avoid some lazy rewrite-recycle of the old reviews i made in italian years ago.
Also, i’m gonna take a break from the 15th of August (included) until the 1st of September.
This doesn’t mean i will stop posting at all, since EXPRESSO reviews will be made and published, but any time consuming form of review or retrospective will go on hiatus.
That’s about it, so look forward to another summer of sharks and anime pirates!
Here, have more spiders, why not?
For this specific creature feature, we’re going back to very early 2000s, and also picking this randomly from recent additions to my personal DVD collection.
Sure as shit it’s not to celebrate a 20th anniversary release of the movie, when even the director, Jack Sholder, kinda doesn’t wanna hear anything about it and would rather forget Arachnid, even when people bring it up to say it wasn’t actually that bad.
A sentiment i do echo because this isn’t as crap as you might expect, and if nothing else, it’s not exactly done by a bunch of complete nobodies, as it was produced by none other than Brian Yuzna (Re-Animator, The Guyver, Crying Freeman, Dagon, Honey I Shrunk The Kids) and the special effects were done by Steve Johnson, behind fxs for movies like Species I and II, Nightmare In Elm Street 4, An American Werewolf In London, Big Trouble In Little China, pretty good resumè.
Continua a leggere “Arachnid (2001) [REVIEW] | David Bowie Joke Here”
Spiders: when you can’t afford sharks or giant reptiles for your creature feature.
And because many people do find arachnids in general to be quite disgusting, so it’s no wonder they’re a constant for b-movies since forever, especially if they’re of giant size.
This time we have Camel Spiders, one of the many late 2000s/early 2010s Roger Corman productions (sporting the “Roger Corman Presents” label on DVD releases), this one directed by Jym Wynorski… credited as Jay Andrews as usual.
For consistency’s sake, i guess.
Continua a leggere “Camel Spiders (2011) [REVIEW] | Not camels, nor spiders”
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