12 Days Of Dino Dicember #38: Massacre In Dinosaur Valley (1985)

In a way, we’re breaking ourselves new ground in terms of dinosaur movies.

Technically.

What i’m getting at is that Massacre In Dinosaur Valley… doesn’t actually feature any dinosaur.

Come one, couldn’t even be arsed to reuse footage from a more recent dinosaur film? Sure as shit they couldn’t reuse footage from One Million B.C. Or the 1925 The Lost World, since this one is in color… because that would imply them spending time in colourizing the old b&w footage.

But yeah, i’m not surprised that some synopses do actually list anything BUT dinosaurs being into the actual film, because guess what, this isn’t a dinosaur film.

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[EXPRESSO] The Strangers – Chapter 1 (2024) | Paint A Vulgar Picture

In case you didn’t know, after 2018’s The Strangers: Prey At Night, someone decided the way forward for the series… was a remake-reboot trilogy.

It doesn’t sound like a good idea, and as far as Chapter 1 (this film) is concerned, it isn’t.

I’m not being hyperbolic when i say this is one of the more pointless, useless remakes/reboots i’ve ever seen, this is up there with Brahms -The Boy II in terms of shitting on your previous films and undoing any goodwill, while delivering a very crap film in itself.

In terms of plot, this is a remake of 2008’s The Strangers, with a couple that are passing the night in an isolated cabin in the woods, when their residence gets invaded by a trio of masked murderer.

There’s no original or interesting twist, or anything that drastically deviates from or adds to the first film, and while i’d rightfully complain about this remake just adding laughably cliched fluff

, originality is the last of the The Strangers Chapter 1′ problems, which can be honestly summed up as this being a notably, drastically inferior version of the 2008 movie in EVERY single aspect.

I do mean it when i say that just about everything that worked in the original The Strangers here plainly doesn’t.

Plus, since it’s also the first chapter of a trilogy…there’s no real ending this time, as someone gotta survive the killers for the other two movies to happen. I guess.

It’s not even that boring, all things considered, but it’s still so shitty, creatively bankrupt, fundamentally pointless and stupid it’s infuriating, an utter cash grab and a complete waste of time, even at 90 minutes.

It’s gonna be VERY, VERY hard for The Strangers Chapter 2 and 3 (coming both next year) to be worse.

[EXPRESSO] Longlegs (2024) | Itsy Bitsy

Oz Perkins (Psycho 2, The Blackcoat’s Daughter, Gretel And Hansel) is back with the awaited horror-thriller Longlegs.

Set in 90s Oregon, the story sees Harper Lee (Maika Monroe), a newly recruited FBI agent, sent out to collect info on the serial killer that slaughtered entire families over the last two decades, signing cypher letters he leaves on the murder scenes as “LONGLEGS”, when she has an intuition that lets her immediatly find the house where the killer is hiding in.

While managing to escape, the hunt is on, and as Harper keeps putting together the scarse and often cyphered info available, she not only notices the murders having some ritualistic pattern to them (like the focus on details about children), but that she herself is somehow involved or known to the killer in some fashion she not aware of.

It’s a brutal thriller that soaks itself in an “old fashion”-esque style, not only by using exploitation-style editing (and playing with the screen format to replicate the old 8mm films feel in flashbacks, for example), but also in how it handles the plot and the supernatural element in it, in a way that enhances the grisly nature of the events while also giving an explanation that doesn’t undermine (or contrast in any semblance) the creepiness of it all, especially thanks to an amazing performance of the Manson-esque killer by an almost unrecognizable Nicholas Cage.

It’s also not a very long movie, but it’s pretty intense, manages to make you question the nature of the killer and its methods until the end, and the reveal is not out of nowhere or feels out of place with the detective/police procedural stuff, making for a maybe slightly retro horror thriller, but damn if it ain’t some extra creepy, deliriously morbid fuckin shit.

Quite recommended.

[EXPRESSO] The Substance (2024) | Perfect Yous

From director Coralie Fargeat (previosly known for 2017’s Revenge), The Substance tells the tale of a middle aged star, Elisabeth Sparkle, a forgotten movie star also known for her aerobics program that for her 50^th birthday gets laid off by her dipshit sleazy producer because he thinks she too old.

Later she is given an USB key with a video promoting a black market drug called “The Substance” that promises a new, better, sexier, younger you, if you remember the simple rules the promo laids out, which include respecting the balance of days between the “old” and “new” you.

But worry not, this is not a set up to a Perfect Blue/ Black Swan scenario… not quite, because this is the kind of movie that takes that general idea and decides subtext is for the meek & weak, so in this case the premise is far more literal than you could expect, more of a body horror, entertaiment biz oriented pastiche between Dr Jekyll and Hyde, Seconds and The Neon Demon, with an exploitation style to it.

It’s in the way The Substance handles these ideas that it finds a fresh variation/angle in tackling the subject matters and themes of feminism, the cycle of power and abuse, mercification, self-loathing, using satire as blunt as they get, with some frankly stellar performances by the cast.

The ending is a bit hockey as it’s an odd mash of references (in a movie that maybe does get carried away in tributing other films) that almost feels like a joke on purpose made to deliver a smorgasmboard of spectacular gore effects… one i’m willing to 100 % accept, since it also serves as the perfect cap of a story about self-destructive spirals and excess.

Regardless, it’s one hell of a ride i highly recommend.

[EXPRESSO] Terrifier 3 (2024) | A Terrifier HallowXmas

As an avid Terrifier fan that have been religiously followed the series since it debuted, i was so happy to learn Terrifier 3 was not only gonna be released in theathers here too, but also get a Halloween preview screening.

Terrifier 3 continues the story from where that delirious ending of the second film left us… not before a prologue of Art The Clown invading a house dressed as Santa to massacre them all, because its the third one, might as well also make it a killer Santa movie too.

That said, after the events of Terrifier 2 the two surviving siblings tried to move on, with the brother going to college and Sienna being released from a mental health clinic, but they both feel Art is somehow back, to the disbelief of everyone else…

It’s also the longest Terrifier film yet, reasonably so, as it does expand and explain the main lore and puts in prospective certain events from previous films, escalating even further the stakes and finding many creative ways for him and the deformed Vicky to be even more sadistic, morbid and graphic with the kills, which are even more excessive and depraved than before, running the gamut from classics like chainsaws, hammer, to animals and improptu murder gizmos.

It’s the kind of movie that should come with a barf bag, William Castle style, because it utterly unfliching, unbound and uncaring of who gets the axe (including some unexpected cameos) and how, before and after Art does his deranged mime routine and clown antics with gusto.

I would have given it the best vote i could for EXPRESSO if it was the final film in the series, would have been a perfect point to stop, but on the other hand i DO wanna see more of Art.

The Spooktacular Eight #24: Mother Joan Of The Angels (1961)

Let’s conclude this year’s Spooktacular Eight by reviewing the 1960 Polish classic Mother Joan Of The Angels, also known as The Devil And The Nun.

Based on the real, documented case of demonic possession (or mass hysteria, let’s be real) that affected the nuns and took place in 1634 at a convent in Loudlun, France… well, indirectly, as it actually based on a novel of the same name by Jaroslaw Iwaszkiewicz (which would later by adapted by Kent Russell for the infamous The Devils), itself loosely based on the aforementioned Loudlun possessions.

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The Spooktacular Eight #23: Mutant Girls Squad (2010)

I planned to review Blood Friends for this year’s Spooktacular Eight, after finally seeing and reviewing Vlad Love earlier this year, but since i can’t manage to find some actual english subtitles for the thing and time is a-ticking, instead of a Mamoru Oshii film we’ll feature a Noburo Iguchi one, with Mutant Girls Squad.

Which is also co-directed by fellow gore-tastic filmmaker Yoshihiro Noshimura (Tokyo Gore Police, Helldriver, Vampire Girl VS Frankenstein Girl) but also Tak Sakaguchi, better known as an actor in many films, like Versus, Godzilla Final Wars, the Azumi films, and even some of the aforementioned Iguchi-Noshimura gore flicks, but he also directed a live action Otokojuku film adaptation and Yoroi: Samurai Zombie.

Here they direct a chapter of the three the movie is divided in, and you can tell which one did, definitely if you have previous experience with their works.

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The Callisto Protocol PS4 [REVIEW] | Ape Espace

When a beloved new IP is run into the ground and compromised by EA, that tried to squeeze Call Of Duty money out of a horror franchise and even had microtransactions inserted in the last mainline title…. seeing the publisher basically give up and do nothing with it for years is frustrating, even more so when the finale was followed up by a DLC retconning the ending.

And the inevitable homicide by EA of Visceral Games, after the routine danse macabre of shuffling them into developing completely different games of a completely different genre, lamenting how the star shaped peg doesn’t fit into the durian shaped hole, was the cherry on the corpse sundae.

So of course this leaves a specific hole in the market for “spiritual sequels” to fill, and mind you, this was announced before EA announced their own remake of the first Dead Space.

And on paper, The Callisto Protocol sounded exactly what fans of the series like me wanted, a “fuck you” to the vampiric publisher that wasn’t serving an audience starved for that action-horror sci fi dish, done outside of their control, with even some of the original creators of the series involved.

This is the kind of underdog story that we wanna see, as apparently everyone hates EA, and only EA for some stupid reasons, but alas this is not quite what actually happened.

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[EXPRESSO] Smile 2 (2024) | Aphex Twin

Smile was a surprise release in many regards, but i guess we couldn’t leave it alone as a single good horror film, hence there’s a “sequel”, quotations because after seeing the trailer i figured this was more of a loose continuation than anything else.

While is true that the plot basically doesn’t really require to have seen Smile to be followed, it does actually pick up after its ending, with a police officer trying to pass on the curse on a couple of criminals, somehow managing that only to try escaping and getting torn apart by a car that smashes over him. Later on, in NY, we follow popstar Skye Riley preparing her comeback tour, after struggling with drug abuse and surviving a car crash that killed her boyfriend, a famous actor.

While she is helped by her mother, manager and assistant, Riley sneak out to buy vicodin for her crippling back pain from a dealer that begins to sport a vicious smile, and then kills himself before her, passing on the curse…

The first Smile worked so well in spite of everything sounding like it shouldn’t, committing to the idea and making for quite the good film that managed to walk the fine line between the silly and the freaky, and this one is arguably another surprise, as it does know the novelty factor of the “Richard D. James” face is gone, so it upstages the first in gore, jumpscares, plot, spectacle, freaky visuals, special effects, arguably even in terms of main character, with Naomi Scott being great as the manic, guilt ridden popstar with everything to lose from even the smallest fuck up on her way to reclaim her career.

It’s a rare case of a sequel being on par with the first good entry, arguably even better.

The Spooktacular Eight #22: Wendigo (2001)

At the turn of the millennium, found footage horror was born and while it’s often a very divisive subgenre nowadays (as big budget companies co-opted it since it lowered the already low costs for horror films), it can’t be denied The Blair Witch resparked interest in urban legends, the lore of the suburbs or previously forgotten folklore myths, which affected even films not made in what now we call “found footage” or “mockumentary”.

This is i guess was the overall unspoken mood of the era, even though in this case director and writer Larry Ferdessen (1997’s Habit, the Until Dawn videogames, The Last Winter, Depraved) set out more to channel the 30s classic horror monster films (which the director himself confirmed are a great influence on his works) but in modern arthouse fashion, with a psychological horror thriller named after the mythical monster figure of Native American/First Nation folklore (Algonquian one, to be precise), of the titular Wendigo.

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