[EXPRESSO] Furiosa – A Mad Max Saga (2024) | Scrotus Maximus

We’re back to the Wastelands with the long post-poned prequel/spin-off of Mad Max: Fury Road, Furiosa, and i’m being vague on what is is… well because it is a prequel that tells the origins of Furiosa from Fury Road, but it also not obsessed with continuity purity or that crap, understanding that these stories are not history logs, more chronicles, myths, with the inevitable variations that get told to and passed by the lore keepers and such.

As the subtitle puts eloquently, it’s a saga, it’s a legend.

The story sees a young Furiosa being kidnapped from the safe and still fertile haven she was born into by goons of a certain Dementius, only for her mother to get her back and dying while trying to protect her, with Furiosa living for years as a slave to Dementius, whom eventually grows cocky and tries to expand by taking over the territories of Immortan Joe… with middling results, but Furiosa never flinches or wavers, awaiting for a chance to exact revenge on the man that took everything away from her….

While a good chunk of the cast from Fury Road is back, Furiosa is played by Anya Taylor-Joy instead of, and honestly she’s amazing, delivering a great performance with very few lines, Chris Hemsworth is quite fun as the new douchy villain Dementius, and overall it’s great to have more Mad Max, Miller’s approach to action is still amazing, and its comic book-style post-apocalyptic desert world – and its tribalistic weird characters – is as fascinating as it always has been.

Honestly my only gripe is that it’s just not as good as Fury Road, i’d say mostly because it’s still a very good damn ride but it feels a bit too drawn out, in spite of its uber direct storytelling.

Cold Vitae and the replacement review

I planned to review a Vita beat em up for this #meleemay but things are taking longer than planned, so my Vita is still in the shop and that review isn’t coming anytime within May or early June, apparently.

So instead i’m gonna review an obscure movie, since it has become somewhat rilevant for the hardcore Mamoru Oshii fans due to some recent restoration news.

I’m not gonna say anything else to avoid spoiling the surprise completely.

Also, FIY, i’m not gonna do an EXPRESSO review of the new Planet Of The Apes movie, i haven’t seen the last ones and i don’t particularly care regardless, really not feeling it to be frank.

[Resident Evil Live Action Film Retrospective] #2: Resident Evil Apocalypse (2004)

Last time we left Alice waking up in the hospital of a zombie infested Raccoon City, grabbing a shotgun and heading for the ruined streets for sequels’ sake.

So obviously this was setup to loosely mirror the plot and setting of Resident Evil 2, while keeping the Alice and Red Queen subplots, meaning you could expect Alice to wander around Raccon City and tag along canon named characters called to intervene on the pandemic situation of the city and trying to escape it when they hear of Umbrella’s plan to just nuke it all.

And you would assume correctly, though it’s made a bit confusing as she’s instead joined by Jill Valentine and Carlos Olivera, the protagonists of RE 3, and they’re followed by the Nemesis mutant of RE 3 as well, which is even odder when you remember RE 3 is basically taking place at the same time of RE 2, let alone that RE 3 was originally conceived as a spin-off entry.

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[EXPRESSO] Barbie (2023) | Life In Plastic

For once i’m glad here in Italy we don’t get movie releases as the US do, because Oppenheimer is releasing in late August here, so i can bury that stupid “Barbenheimer” shit.

So, the Barbie movie, by renowed director Greta Gerwig, it’s definitely something i’d been looking forward since announcement, wondering what the fuck the plot of a live-action Barbie movie could be, this isn’t aimed at children like the dozens of animated Barbie movies we’ve seen over the years, at all.

The basic gist is similar to Enchanted, as we’re introduced to Barbieland, a world where Barbies live perfect days, party and have fun in perpetuity… until the “Stereotype Barbie” (Margot Robbie) has an existential crisis, seek help from the wise old “Weird Barbie” that tells her she has to go to the real world and reconnect with the girl that played with her in order to fix the situation. Problem is, Mattel itself learns that “Barbie has breached contaiment”, and one of the Kens (Ryan Gosling) sneaks away into the real world too…

It’s a feminist comedy that use the brand to tackle the obvious themes you’d think, in modern ouvert (and very meta) fashion as expected and… well, neeeded, because at this point we know audiences can be quite “thick”, but it’s as brazen as it’s funny and caring in poking fun, showing a profound love of cinema in doing so, with some really nice musical segments and amazing sets.

It’s not perfect, for example the main plot is basically resolved 40 minutes in and then it kinda feels like they had to follow a “b-plot” for the sake of the runtime, the feminism itself it’s slightly superficial (not shallow, but not deep either), but even with its flaws, it’s a really sincere, entertaining and witty film.

[EXPRESSO] Fast X (2023) | Furious Finale, Part 1

As the Fast And Furious series sheds even more words from their movie titles (in order to gain even more speed, obviously), with Fast X we reached the finale… kinda, as it’s a two parter, given how over the top the series is nothing else would have quite sufficed.

I would say they fumbled the opportunity to make the franchise go into space… but that already happened, so Fast X had to somehow up the ante of absolute bullshit that most people have come to love over the years. Myself included, these movies are so dumb but also utterly and sincerely committed that they come off as endearing.

It’s like a live-action shonen manga version of The Italian Job where superpowers are replaced by improbable car manouvers and the universe is themed/styled after the Gasolina music video, where Vin Diesel instead of unleashing a Bankai presses the NOS button or tailspins like a beyblade, it’s fucking great preposterous nonsense and i love it.

In terms of plot we have another shadow from the past style character, Dante Heyes, come and unleash vengeance for the “Toretto team” having killed his father many movies ago, and he’s planning to go full on the eye for an eye business upon Toretto’s family, prompting Vic and his allies on a world throtting chase to stop Dante’ schemes.

To be honest, this is kind of a lukewarm “part 1”, aside from the fact that yes, this is supposed to be heavier on setup… it’s a bit “meh”, as in, still entertaining but we’ve seen better and far more absurd shit happen in these movies, thankfully we have Jason Momoa as a fruity sociophatic villain stealing the show and giving the movie some needed energy.

Cautiously optimistic part 2 will actually be a worthy pay off.

12 Days Of Dino Dicember #21: Hatched (2021)

Clearing up some of the last year’s releases with Hatched, a 2021 dinosaur film about a woman and her family moving to her reclusive brother’s farmhouse to check on him, only to find out he moonlighted as Dr. Alan Grant, resulting in many living dinosaurs that trap the family inside the house.

Yes, the dinosaurs are coming from inside the house, hur hur.

I’ve heard this one described as “Michael Myers but if dinosaur”, for some reasons that don’t really make much sense when you think about it for more than 3 seconds, but i would say we’re more in Carnosaur or Raptor Ranch territory, because we’re yet again talking about someone doing clonosauruses around chicken coops and shit.

At least we’re not in space?

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Dead Island Riptide (Definitive Edition) PS4 [REVIEW] | #deadislandretrospective

Aka the “actual” Dead Island 2, as time would eventually tell.

Technically not, but actually yes, since it’s developed by Techland and in terms of story it’s a direct sequel, following up immediatly (after a brief recap) where we left off that unremarkable (to be kind) narrative, which means the group of survivors gets aid by an american Navy ship but it’s immediatly captured by one of the side villains from the previous game, Serpo (guess Betraldo didn’t have the same ring to it), intenting of using their immune blood to concoct a cure and a weaponized bio weapon, or something. Doesn’t matter much, as you shipwreck into a nearby island in the archipelago, where the zombie epidemic has also spread after the incident in Banoi, and learn that they plan to nuke the entire island in order to contain the zombie plague.

Yeah, the story it’s about as crappy and easy to completely not give a shit about, with the obvious twists seen coming miles and miles away, but i’d argue it’s actually, objectively worse since there is barely a plot in Riptide, like, at all, aside from the beginning and ending, where a side character in the first game becomes the main antagonist… barely, so you can say this game does recycle too much from the first, even in this regard.

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[EXPRESSO] Bones And All (2022) | Suspicious Minds

After his controversial but quite good remake of Suspira in 2018, Luca Guadagnino returns to the big screen with the coming of age horror road movie Bones And All.

An interesting proposition to be sure, sure as hell i’m not gonna turn down any chance to see a cannibal coming of age romance on the big screen by a big name director.

Set in 1980s Middle America, the movie it’s about teen Maren Yearly ( Taylor Russell) as she has to flee with her father from Virginia, after she bites off one of her classmate’s finger in a cannibalistic pulse, settling somewhere else then getting abandoned by her father as he doesn’t know what to with her anymore, only leaving a recording in case she wants to confront her mother.

On her voyage she also meets another young cannibal, Lee (Timothee Chalamet), and as they travel their way through small American towns they begin to fall in love.

The cast it’s great, the idea it’s sound, not that original, but still, promising, the blending of horror and romance works pretty well, and the period soundtrack it’s excellent.

BUT it’s also very uneven, as Guadagnino wants it to be set into a specific American period and mood, but it also feels more european in terms of how the themes of sexual liberation are tackled, so it never fully comes together in this regard.

There are still some noteworthy sequences, but the romance isn’t that great, the characters not that interesting, and – again – it’s pretty uneven, not helped by some really gratituous scenes (like the “pre-kill cornfield gay masturbation” one ).

Bones And All it’s not bad, but for all its pretension and ambition, it amounts to just being decent and kinda disappointing, since Guadagnino can and has done better.

[EXPRESSO] Diabolik 2: Ginko Attacks! (2022) | Color Cinecomic Photoplay

After the Diabolik revival movie of 2021 was surprisingly succesfull, we now have the sequel, Ginko Attacks, with inspector Ginko pressing its dogged hunt for master criminal Diabolik, managing to find its hidden lair, and eventually collaborating with a betrayed Eva Kant.

Though Diabolik himself was recast, here being played by Giacomo Gianniotti instead of Luca Marinelli from the 2019 movie.

As of why, Gianniotti does look almost identical to Diabolik as depicted in the original comics, but it’s a bad trade-off as Marinelli was by FAR a better actor, and a better Diabolik.

He doesn’t even feel like the same character either, but then again almost no character in Ginko Attacks has a semblance of personality, just existing as a barren narrative gear.

Cumbersome pacing (for a 2 hours and 20 minutes movie) doesn’t help, nor having Monica Bellucci in the cast.

Dialogues are pretty awful too, and tipify the whole problem with the movie, as it feels excessively faithful to the source material, making one wonder if they lifted the text verbatim from the comics, without ever considering how (or if) they would work in an actual film, or to actually update the literal decades old material for modern cinema standards.

So it’s no wonder the plot it’s also bad, utterly predictable from the get go regardless, with the twists/reveals actually making thing worse, because the entire narrative relies on almost every “character” being way too fuckin stupid to predict what the audience did hours ago.

Though it’s hard to get angry because it’s such an alienating, empty experience, with some style backed…by absolutely zero substance, and it’s very disappointing since the first movie was flawed, yes, but also WAY better.

So i’m not exactly looking forward to the third one already in the works.

Awful. Disappointingly awful.

The Spooktacular Eight #9: Blood Rage (1987)

Some of you might wonder why i’m doing it now, why i’m not waiting for late november to review adequately unknown slasher flick Blood Rage, as it’s often regarded as a “holiday slasher” due to taking place during Thanksgiving, hence its lumped alongside 1981’s Home Sweet Home and Thankskilling (yes, sadly that’s not just a fake trailer anymore) as one of the very few Thanksgiving themed horror movies.

First, i’m not American so i frankly don’t care, second, this is a movie that might have had a cult following of sorts, or just be remembered a bit more if it leaded into the movie taking place at Thanksgiving, instead of just having people talk about Thanksgiving dinner in like 3 lines?

Then again, i don’t think it would have mattered much, sure, it does have people at a table eating turkey, Thanksgiving is mentioned more than once in the script, but even the fact it’s set during the aforementioned holiday… really doesn’t matter to the plot at all , which isn’t a problem per se, but seems like a missed marketing opportunity, hence it’s not surprising that not many people remember either this and the aforementioned Home Sweet Home from 1981.

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