Dino December #6: The Jurassic Games (2018)

If there are laws in genre cinema, one might be that every kind of movie can be made worse, better, or both by including dinosaurs. Even if it can’t, somewill randomly mix dinosaurs with any other subject, so the “dinosaur singularity” will happen, regardless.

Basketball with dinosaurs. Coming of age stories with or about dinosaurs. The decadence of men and its social constructs, with goofy dinosaurs in office suits and vests. Dinosaurs with other dinosaurs. Dinosaurs with guns, or dinosaurs that are also guns. The sky and the abyss stretch open wide forever, and the dino universe expands.

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Dino December #3: 100 Million B.C. (2008)

While this isn’t the only “dinosaurs and time travels” exploitative mash up, the premise of Navy SEALs travelling back to the prehistoric times in order to undo another time travel accident (basically implying this what happened as a result of the “Philadelphia Incident”), accidentally unleashing an abnormally large T-rex in modern Los Angeles, it’s at least more interesting and shows a modicum of effort, needed to stand out in the overpopulated dinosaur-xploitation market of cheap raptors and TV movie budgets.

Then again, since is from the director of Swamp Shark, Arachnoquake and Ghost Shark, Griff Furst, credited here as Louis Myman, i guess his favorite pseudonym, since he used a nearly identical one later for Ragin Cajun Gators. Not encouraging that a director “Alan Smithee-s” himself, even more because he’s – more or less – properly credited in his other directing and acting roles.

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Kemurikusa (2019) [REVIEW] | Leaves Of Tree

After the Kemono Friends anime made a fairly forgotten (and at the time even freshly axed) free-to-play thing become one of the biggest sensations of that year…. Kadokawa fucked the series director over, basically, and in a way of karmic retribution, many resented the second season when it came around, both out of spite for Kadokawa’s behaviour. And because the Kemono Friends gravy train was gone by then.

Regardless, TATSUKI continued to work on other projects (see Keifuku-san and Hentatsu, which i already reviewed), and in 2019 he decided to adapted an older work of his, an original net animation called Kemurikusa (released between 2010 and 2012), into a TV anime series (which so far only streaming on Amazon Video), once again tasking the same animation studio of Kemono Friends (studio Irodori, which he was part of) and the same production company (Yaoyoruzu), culminating into a project that didn’t seem raise much interest online.

People knew the director of Kemono Friends was behind it, definitely, but i guess it wasn’t enough, so the Kemurikusa TV adaptation came out without causing much clamor (outside of some circles) or attracting much attention even from dedicated outlets or anime enthusiasts who knew it existed. At least i got that impression.

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Don’t expect an early review of Hyrule Warriors: Age Of Calamity

As much as i loved the demo of the game to bits, as much as i frigging love Hyrule Warriors… i’m not gonna review it just after launch. It’s not that i couldn’t, more a combination of “budget constraints” hitting hard this month (as for many, given the circumstances) and… the fact i really got around to get and play Breath Of The Wild in the last months (i held off for years hoping in a GOTY re-release of sorts), and i took my time with it, quite, so much i clearly won’t be able to finish it in time to review Age Of Calamity at the end of november. I just won’t.

Doesn’t help this has been clearly designed as a prequel instead of a spin-off where the story is the usual “portal bonanza” so we can have multiple characters and locations from different installments (and/or different timelines) of a series in Warriors style hack n slash format, and be enjoyed on its own, like Fire Emblem Warriors… even if that did casually drop some spoilers from FE Awakening. Just saying.

And even less reason to pre-order it since this time they didn’t bother to make any sort of Limited Edition with some tat. Boggles the mind why don’t bother to bring the Treasure Box limited edition outside of Japan, they did it before, hell, not even a nerfed version with just the scarf like we got with the first Hyrule Warriors in PAL territories.

So… have fun if you pre-ordered or are gonna get it on launch, the demo i feel it’s telling of the complete base game, we will soon find out!

It’s on my priority list, rest assured, i’m always planning more Warriors and musou games reviews, and something special is coming next month, so… look forward to it!

[EXPRESSO] Brahms – The Boy II (2020) | Doll Droppings

I saw The Boy in theathers back then, quite liked it, i knew they made a sequel, by the same director, William Brent Bell, and writer, Stacey Menear, but i kinda forgot about it, until i noticed it’s available as an Amazon Prime Video exclusive, I was.. perplexed by just reading the gist.

The plot follows a young boy, Jude, and his parents, moving into a mansion in the woods to heal, as he and the mother were traumatized by a home invasion incident, and Jude finds a life-sized doll he dubs “Brahms” and becomes creepily attached to.

You could make a sequel to The Boy work, but this movie is a complete cop-out, as it systematically makes sure this is taking place in the same location, set after the events of the first movie… but also wants to be your typical “possessed/evil killer doll” movie, the complete anthesis of The Boy, and make sure you can’t deny or doubt of the doll actually being alive, giving it a backstory that – conveniently – didn’t factor in one iota in the first one.

Even worse, it’s also utter crap in itself, with some of stupidest (and bloodless) “kills” you will ever see in a movie that takes itself so serious, and disappointing, frustrating and stupid “anti-twists”. There’s no intrigue, no mistery, no atmosphere, nothing to it, the good production values and decent acting plain wasted on such dreck. Of course the ending is also a complete cop-out. Of course.

Among stand-alone horror sequels that are way better than the first one, The Boy II is the rare shitty sequel that not only it’s completely unnecessary, misses the point of the previous one, but it’s so garbage it almost retroactively taints the original one, destroying any goodwill gained with it.

Rise Of The Zombies (2012) [REVIEW] | The Walking Machete

Halloween is technically over, but… one more!

You may think this is another of those movies that trojan horse you into watching them because they have Danny Trejo on the cover…. but not quite. And yes, “Trejobaiting” was (and i guess still is) a thing.

If anything, i’m angry because he’s in it for the first half-hour, then they sloppily kill him off at 35 minutes (and use him in zombie form for 5 more), after letting you believe he might be in the third act. Still, it’s definitely better than stuff like Zombie Hunter, where he there’s for 5, 10 minutes tops, despite being prominent on all promotional material.

Even more surprising, the movie itself isn’t complete shit…. even if it isn’t very good.

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[EXPRESSO] Kadaver (2020) | Dinner Theatre

The first norwegian horror film produced by Netflix, and available since October 22.

Directed and written by Jaran Herdal, Kadaver tells of a family living in a cold, barren, post-apocalyptic city, with a full-out nuclear war that might erupt at any moment. One day, a strange man shows up to sell tickets for an event held by Mathias, a local rich man, with promise of food and entertaiment at his mansion.

After dinner is served, Mathias tells the audience that the show is unique, as it takes place all through the mansion, and instructs them to wear masks while they follow the maskeless actors putting up various scenes. In time the spectators are whisked away in secret for true purpose of the party. Which i won’t give away, even if you can take an easy educated guess.

Sadly, it’s an uneven experience.

It has some stylish and morbid imagery, the idea of a trap “dinner theatre” is cool and quite original, but the narrative moves too damn fast even at the beginning, so you’re not really given any valuable time to feel invested in the fate of the family, or to second guess the nature of the odd performance. Doesn’t help that the plot relies on characters doing dumb mistakes most of the time.

On the upside, it’s fairly short and entertaining all the way, the ambiancè is great and there are some good moments, but also middle of the road character (decent acting, at least), and an ending that’s quite… clichè for such an intriguing promise.

It’s a shame, because it released at the perfect time for the themes to resonate with the audience, but it held back by its not small flaws. It’s still a decent horror movie, definitely worth checking out, even just for the original plot.

[EXPRESSO] The Personal History Of David Copperfield (2019) | Paupers, Please

Based on the novel by Charles Dickens… one i will admit to be not THAT familiar with.

So don’t expect me to compare it to the many other film or TV adaptations of the story, i simply can’t and won’t. But i will describe the basic plot, just in case.

Starting at the end, the movie has David Copperfield chronicle his life, from his brief moment of idyllic joy visiting the family of his nanny at their bout house in Yarmouth, to her moment remarring to a a cruel man who exiles him to London, making him work at his factory, and meeting many colorful characters that live in similar if not more crushing and dismaying poverty. After hearing of his mother’s death and funeral, he escapes from the dismal life at the factory to his eccentric aunt, and her even more eccentric lodger, flip-flopping between the wealth of the “gentlemen’s lifestyle” and his past miseries coming back to him.

So, i saw “The Personal Life Of David Copperfield” yesterday… and it was good. Perfect casting, amazing performances, the characters are charming and memorable, it gets a good balance between the whimsical positive attititude and the abject squallor of the poor in victorian London (as you would expect), and the themes of class conflict still work, even with the whimsical tone and the over the top characters.

Quite funny, but at times its so enamored with his “british comedy wit” that comes off as a bit grating. Still charming, absolutely, but a bit grating and self-indulgent, even if it’s deliberately done. That said, it’s a good one from director Armando Iannucci, i’d say. Not great, but good.

I really don’t know how it stacks up against the other film adaptations of the tale, but in its own, i’d recommend it.

[EXPRESSO] Greenland (2020) | Family Fallout

Oh, yes, the indie subgenre of Gerard Butler movies.

For the record, i do like Butler, but for better or for worst you can often easily guess what kind of experience you’re getting in a movie just by seeing him starring in it. This is exactly one such occasion, as Butler stars in another disaster movie, after weathering Geostorm (which i didn’t see) 3 years ago.

This time things are a teensy bit different, as he embarks in a desperate journey to a bunker in Greenland, where maybe him and his family can survive a coming meteor that will fall on Earth and probably cause the extinction of mankind. So yeah, no chance to see him suplex the meteor out of orbit while clad in a mechanical golden god robe, but it’s a more realistic approach, and the focus on surviving the threath more than facing it works better.

Directed by Ric Roman Waugh (Snitch, Angel Has Fallen), Greenland sadly never rises from being … adequate, as it tries to focus more on the drama, but also has no qualms in compromising and forcing conflict so we can have more action scenes, or more twists, doesn’t matter if they’re dumb even in context. Regardless, don’t get locked into a conversation with Butler, he’ll get his way regardless if you do, even at long-range.

The movies tries to be better, but it can’t fully committ to either its more ludicrous or serious elements, decent to good perfomances can’t do much when the main characters are built out of clichès, and the movie wants to hit you over the head with the themes, or cheaply provoke an emotional response. While it’s perfectly watchable, i feel it’s a bit longer than it should, you could have cut 20 minutes out of it.

Serviceable.

[EXPRESSO] Waiting For The Barbarians (2019) | Attila, Scourge Of Odd

Based on the novel of the same by J. M. Coetzee, Waiting For The Barbarians is one of the recent italian productions made with the international market in mind, with Robert Pattinson….but also Johnny Depp, who is still getting work, despite everything.

Let’s leave it at that for the sake of the review, ok?

Taking place in an indefined frontier outpost near the border of an unknown empire (even though they look like british frontier soldiers), the movie follows the story of the Magister, who is close to retirement as Colonel Joll arrives, tasked with security and gathering intel on the “barbarians”. But as he outrights searches these people to capture and torture them in public,tries to stir a full-out war, the Magister has second thoughts, gets accused of treason, etc.

And it’s a frustrating one to review, because there is ambition, the cast is good (mostly), but the movie isn’t as “deep” as it thinks, it’s a story about “the horrors of war and the monstrous need for an enemy to exist”, that is obvious right away, for every character in the movie… beside the protagonist, the Magistrate, who seems to be surprised by anything that happens, and makes you wonder how he can possibly be so absurdly naive.

Way more than he’s intended to be, to the point of it being laughably cartoonish and dissonant with the otherwise more realistic scenes of torture, corruption and.. well anything. And the movie is also slowly paced, like its main protagonist it spends ages yet again re-iterating on the beyond obvious messages and themes. Doesn’t help that Depp also plays a cartoonish “nazi frontier general” villain, even more caricatural than usual.

Shame, because it has some inspired moments, it really does, but in the end it’s kind of a mess.