[EXPRESSO] A Quiet Place: Day One (2024) | The Cat Will Inherit The Earth

The acclaimed horror series about an alien invasion of sound-receptive creatures continues…. as it actually does not, by playing the classic “prequel” card, which is often a double edged sword, as it can actually expand upon the material or just feel like a stop-gap “filler” release.

In this case – as the title lays out – we go back to the very first day of the invasion, breaking out in New York, and we follow a terminal cancer-diagnosed woman (and her support cat) brought with the rest of the hospice to see a show, when suddendly vicious alien monsters fall from the skies and rampage, blind as bats but immediatly snapping in chase of of any loud noise…

In many ways, there’s little to say about A Quiet Place Day One that couldn’t/hasn’t already been discussed plenty about the previous movies, it doesn’t add really much “lore”, it just has some characters that will show up in the mainline films, but in this case it’s actually a good thing, as we have another good horror thriller with great suspence, a relatively novel twist on the monsters, excellent effects, good characters, and most importantly the ability to keep things simple at heart but far from boring, without bogging down the dread by forcing a mythos, for example.

Honestly i feel the “Day One/Origin” spin works well enough, i’m quite okay with it following mostly new people, as the “cancer-not-the-sign woman” is actually a pretty good main character, relatable, and while there’s nothing new or mindblowing added to the series, the execution it’s still quite good enough to make for a great film.

It’s a rare case when the “if not broken, don’t fix it” approach does actually still pay off, with the only little wart being the humdrum, shoehorned dream sequence.

Cocaine Shark (2023) [REVIEW] | #thesharksix

You know the saying, the last year’s sensation is still fresh when gimmicks barely add anything, and by gimmicks i mean the fact Cocaine Bear was actually a big b-movie studio release last year, so by that summer you know they had someone on speed-dial to make their own knock off with 1000 times less the budget.

And it’s telling that in the past The Asylum would have made the movie themselves, but this is modern Asylum, so the first to put the “cocained killer animal mockbuster” was Mark Polonia.

…. though even that isn’t really the truth, as it’s often the case, reality is quite disappointing, as Mark Polonia just happened to release a movie called (Crab Shark) that premiered the 29^th of January 2023 in Japan (apparently even actually got real screenings, which is far more unbelievable than a crab shark but it seems to be true), and he retitled it “Cocaine Shark” when releasing it in the US later that July, to capitalize on the sensation of Cocaine Bear.

Funnily beating the director of Cocaine Bear, Elizabeth Banks, to the punch in making a follow up with a shark, again based on an actual news story.

Continua a leggere

The Reef: Stalked (2022) [REVIEW] | #thesharksix

I don’t think it’s controversial to say that The Reef is one of the best shark movies ever made, intense, straight to the point, yet captivating and suspenseful.

So when i heard that there was a “sequel”, i wasn’t surprised and contrary to the publisher’s intended response, i was even more wary because i felt like i was being trojan horsed another middling or subpar shark movie by using the respected reputation of The Reef.

On the other hand, the original director (also known for the Black Water movies and his contribution to the first ABCs Of Death) is back, so it’s not like this an apocryphal follow-up farmed to a random first-time director by the production.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] The Watchers (2024) Live Theathre In The Woods

Mr Twister is once again back on the silver screen, and we’re going back to the woods, this time not to hide while people believing to be the Four Horsemen invade your home and impose an improbabile apocalyptic task to you and your family, or to bother the geezers, but to play the sickest livestream event of them all… to an unknown audience.

… oh wait, this is actually written and directed by Inasha Night Shyamalan, one of M. Night’ (with Trap, directed by him, also releasing in 2024) daughters, here at her directorial debut.

The premise sees a girl, Mina, a 28 yo artist, finding herself lost and isolated inside a huge forest in western Ireland, only for her to take refuge in a cottage and unknownly get trapped in there alongside three other people, to be watched at night by some strange creatures dwelling there.

What’s scariest than improv theather to a fussy audience that might just kill you like a fly if it wishes so, after all? Very little, outside of some cosmic horror older than time itself and such.

While there’s definitely a similar imprint to her father, The Watchers doesn’t rely entirely on a last second last act twist to flip around the narrative, i mean, it’s kinda easy to predict partly what the creatures could be (if nothing else for the location), and they don’t throw out some stupid and-or unsatisfying curveball just for the sake of throwing off the audience, so for best or worst it relies more on actually making you care the lore and the plot being interesting in itself.

Still nothing really special despite the clever hook and good casting for what are just functional characters, but honestly i’d say it’s quite the decent watch, especially for a directorial debut.

[EXPRESSO] Under Paris (2024) | Enviro-Jaws

A french Netflix shark movie, released now, it doesn’t look like a Mark Polonia film, yeah, i’ll bite.

Though i’m now convinced the genre will never leave the nursery waters of Jaws, since we still get stuff like a recalcitrant douchy mayor in the plot… though this time is because they plan to host the Triathlon in the Seine river, and there’s a good reason this is a tradition.

Speaking of which, the premise sound like if Sharks In Venice happened in France and tried to be more realistic… it’s not really, it’s actually a shark finding its way into the Seine river, the same shark that massacred the crew of an enviromental protection squad, and despite her past she intervenes to see that the shark is saved from its new unplanned habitat she’s not made for, and to also avoid the same carnage happening once again.

It has the expected horror moments or situations, but it leans a lot more into being a thriller and its enviromental message, which is kinda to be expected since the movie goes for realism, it ain’t trying to be The Meg or even The Reef, and it’s not like it mishandles its own message or themes… it’s just a bit slow moving, even if it uses that time to make the characters more sympathetic and manages that, they simply aren’t good enough to completely offset the pacing issues.

The final act does really pick up “the slack” in this regard, and overall, Under Paris it’s decent, it plays well its modern enviromentalist angle, the effects are quite good… sometimes, it’s just a bit too procedural, the pace is kinda slow until the very end to be proper involving, so it ends up feeling longer than it’s below 2 hours runtime.

Nice ending, though.

[EXPRESSO] Abigail (2024) | A particular set of vampire skills

Abigail poses an intriguing premise, asking what if a kidnapping went south because the gang did not known they were abducting a child vampire, heck, even worse, the daughter of Dracula, before they retired to an unknown villa as they wait for the ransom money?

The result it’s actually quite interesting as the strong premise is taken to some unique degrees since there’s a Tarantino-esque (or Tatantino-adjacent) approach to relationship these criminals have with each other while waiting for the ransom to be paid, and the already strong vibes of Dusk Until Dawn are empowered by the very splattery and over the top amounts of high budget, exploitation levels of gore on display, and the playful element is further strengthened by how it feels almost like a reverse Home Alone, as the child vampire literally plays with them before going for a brutal, sadistic kill, after making the kidnappers feel like they’re in control.

Also, it plays around with the old vampire lore weaknesses for some laughs but also to depict vampires not so much refined monsters but as more cunning feral abominations always hungry for blood, yet somehow manages to have some emotional moments, some strange empathy, it’s a surprisingly strong pastiche that is able to draw nicely from its obvious inspirations but also work on its own and being a fun horror comedy romp that delivers fully on the idea and be hugely entertaining from beginning to end, with a really good cast that includes Kevin Durand and also Giancarlo Esposito (of Far Cry 6 fame) in a minor but still welcome role.

It’s a shame people might sleep on it, because it’s still worth watching even if the trailers are not taking any chance with subtlety and sorta spoiling it….which i kinda understand but kinda not.

[EXPRESSO] Tarot (2024) | S. Link RANK UP

It’s that “almost summer” period, so why not indulge in the new teen horror out in theathers, Tarot?

No oujia boards, no dolls, this time the teens ® will fail to learn that doing things when told NOT do those things is a recipe for manburger massacre town… even with cards. Tarot cards, obviously.

The premise sees a group of friends breaking the unspoken sacred rule about Tarot cards, as in one must not use another’s cards. In doing so they release a malignant force hidden in the cursed cards and they will have to fight for their life in what it sounds more and more like a Final Destination script rewritten at the last week, despite being based on a 1992 novel called Horrorscope.

Surprisingly it doesn’t all takes place in the villa where they find the cursed deck, but otherwise it’s a familiar watch, bringing out all the stops and expected bits, like them having to contact an estranged individual that believes and is versed in the supernatural foe they’re trying to escape, which is nice since the lore of the movie about tarot cards and astrology isn’t gonna expose itself.

On the other hand it’s a nice little variation/take on the Final Destination shtick that uses the premise of tarot card, divination and astrology related beliefs as well as it could possibly can, the characters are stock but likeable, the idea using the Arcanas in order to evoke a small ensemble of monsters chasing their victims is actually quite fun and executed decently.

It’s also a bit PG-13-ier than expected on gore but i can forgive that and the final “asspull” because the film it’s kinda silly at heart, it doesn’t overstay its welcome, and even if largely predictable and formulaic, it’s honestly more enjoyable than expected.

[EXPRESSO] The First Omen (2024) | Damien Begins

It may look silly (or worse) to see the review for a new Omen film pop up after i outright refused to even see The Exorcist: Believer in theathers and just skipped it, but after hearing more than a few early reviews being positive for The First Omen, i figured why not, oddly sounds about right.

And for the record i never bothered with any of the sequels, which must have been the case for many, as this new Omen film does the other trend for new entries in old or long running horror series, as in its a prequel to the original The Omen from 1976 instead of a legacy sequel or a reboot.

Which is oddly kinda refreshing, at least in the current horror climate.

The plot concerns a young american woman, sent to Rome in order to be initiated into sisterhood, as she encounters a darkness so shocking it shakes her beliefs to the very core, and has her learn about a conspiracy to birth the Antichrist.

While it too suffers from some fixations of these prequels and legacy sequels, like having to redo a scene (or more) from the original movie mostly for the hell of it, and it has to move within the limits of an already established story which limits the potential twists and surprises, but honestly i was really surprised, as not only it works out a really creepy origin story/prequel to the 1976 movie, really taking advantage of the setup for some devilish twists and most importantly, an incredibly effective, graphic and twisted tale of evil, that manages to stand out by its own merits and uses the borrowed lore to the best it can, instead of just chasing the ghost of an older, better movie.

Surprisingly very good horror prequel, recommended.

[EXPRESSO] Imaginary (2024) | Polterbear

Soo…. Blumhouse recent cinematic output that isn’t M3GAN has been quite the slop drop, and Imaginary is not gonna change that, but to my slight surprise, this is not as outright shit as Night Swim, despite both feeling like “january horror film releases”.

This time we deal with the idea of “imaginary friends” conjured up by children, and we focus on a children book’s author, Jessica, married to a musician named Max, that move back into Jessica’s childhood home, with the daughters from Max’s previous marriage, Alice and Taylor, in tow.

As Jessica struggles to connect with her new stepdaughters, keeps having nightmare of her insane father, Ben, and her children book’s characters, Alice finds a teddy bear in the basement and becomes attached to it to a creepy degree, while an elderly neighbour called Gloria approaches Jessica and shares memories of her childhood, which Jessica doesn’t seem to remember at all….

It doesn’t sound original, and it isn’t, ticking every box in the “supernatural horror with children and dolls” category, and since it’s a Blumhouse release, there’s gotta be an overemphasis on jump scares over trying to build some creepy atmosphere, some decent acting lost to one-note characters, and this case a script with some promise that ultimately is bogged down by too much worldbuilding and “Blumhouse claptrap”, so to say.

BUT i’ll say that it does pull a decent little twist halfway through, and the last act shows some creatitivity to the visuals, some ideas that give some needed energy to the trite formula, and it helps elevating it from being a total, predictable and boring shitfest, thought a bit frustrating since there was some potential to it, but instead it’s just a passable, if middling and instantly forgettable supernatural horror film by the ol’ “House Of Blum”.

[EXPRESSO] Night Swim (2024) | “Get Out Of My Friggin’ Pool!”

Based on a short film of the same name by director Bryce McGuire, Night Swim is the kind of horror film that actually speaks for itself very clearly since it’s what the trailer (kinda ) made it look like, as in it’s a movie about a haunted pool.

The premise sees a family move in to a new house as the father, a baseball star whose career got cut short by a degenerative illness, forcing him to an early retirement. Still secretly hoping to get back into the Major Leagues, he decides to clean up the pool as he thinks will be good for his rehab and be fun for his kids too, unaware of the house’ dark secrets……

It almost feels like an accidental american remake of a Japanese horror film from the 2000s, like someone by pure coincidence remade 2002’s Dark Water (again), or somewhere along those lines, despite not actually being that kind of movie, as the lore get explained it’s hard not to see it that way, because despite the stupid-ish sounding premise, something could have been done with it that’s not subpar, weak cluster of cliches.

Silly as “haunted pool” sounds-is, the water-centric scenario could have been used to some effect, and there’s effort to make it work as a serious horror film, but it doesn’t help that the result it’s something that makes you whip out your theasurus to avoid saying “it’s shallow/lukewarm”, despite it being that insipid and ineffective, with accidental “anti-jumpscares”, stock characters, the lack on any proper atmosphere, or anything that hasn’t already been done way better before.

It’s just “not enough” in any regard, while also being “too much”.