12 Days Of Dino Dicember # 27: Planet Raptor (2007)

Raptors: the second fiddle of the dinosaur orchestra.

(The third being the pterodactyls, btw)

Nothing beat the word “raptor” as a way to get your attention when scrolling through the channels in a boring saturday afternoon, or while searching trashy TV movies that just couldn’t come up with a weird or catchy title able to shoehorn a pun with “t-rex” or “dinosaur”, so “raptor [noun]” it is.

This also happens to be the “sequel” to another SyFy Channel mandated dino flick, Raptor Island, which we covered last year, so it’s no wonder it has alternative titles like Raptor Island 2: Planet Raptor, and shit like that, but it’s also unsurprising how sketchy are its claims of being a sequel to that other movie. It’s just part of the package to lie in this regard for this TV dino movies.

And it’s also “a sequel but not really” in the same way these usually are, with one or two actors from that previous one and it being shot in the same – kind of cheaper foreign country (this time the woods of Bulgaria take a rest so the Romanian ones can “swap in”), that’s all in terms of thing carried over, as the director is different (this time at the helm we have Gary Jones, of Mosquito, Spiders and some episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess fame) and the plots don’t really connect.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember # 25: Wolf Tracer’s Dinosaur Island (2004)

Yes, i did get to know this was ever a thing thanks to SaberSpark’s Youtube channel, i decided to eventually dig into the matter myself and do my own research, though it’s kinda hard not to step on each other’s feet, so to speak, when this one is connected to another infamous “target” for contents creators on Youtube, as in this is also by Colin Slater, better known for the christmas trashfire of Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe In Santa, featuring the meme gold of “Grandma speaking APYR”.

Because this is how internet legends are born, kids, though it helps when comparisons of your movie to Foodfight that make that mess look like a TRIGGER studio masterpiece.. ain’t wrong.

But does Promare have Mark Hamill in it? Didn’t think so.

Welcome to the super amateur hour, where shit that could barely pass as a college boy first draft for an animation in the late 90s is put out as an officially finished product, though both projects, Rapsittie Street Kids and today’s Dinosaur Island, both made by Colin Slater’s Wolftracer Studios, were considered lost media. despite Rapsittie Street Kids actually airing on tv. Even if just once.

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[EXPRESSO] Wonka (2023) | Dagashi Kashi KING

Wasn’t sold on Chalamet as a “young Willy Wonka”, but i grew curious as i learnt it was from the director and team behind the Paddington movies… even though i never did saw them, but regardless, i gave this prequel-reboot story a punt and i did walk away pleasantly surprised.

Though you have to approach it fully aware this isn’t even trying to imitate the older, far more popular and iconic Gene Wilder-starring adaptation of Dahl’s story, but clearly keeping it in mind, as this modern take deliberatly downplays the frothing vein of cynicism of the 1971 movie adaptation, going for a far more positive, whimsical and wholesome tone that both fits the source material and actually manages to invent a worthwhile origin story for the wonderful wizard of candy, the dagashi kashi king of ye old fantasy Europa.

The origin story in question has him arrive in a city where the major chocolate manufacturers show off their products, getting hoodwinked into pretty much life-long debt, but he finds friends in an orphan girl named Noodle and the other people tricked into working laundry, that help him concoct a plan to still sell chocolate, despite the city’s big nose chocolate moguls working hard to have him gone for good at any cost…

It’s very, very cute and wholesome, the musical numbers are still a sizeable part of the movie and those here are also quite charming, the plot doesn’t overcomplicate things, the 2 hours runtime is supported by good pacing so never feels overwhelming, Chalamet does a very good job depicting a young, overly naive and quirky weirdo chocolate salesman-inventor-street magician Willy Wonka, and the rest of the cast (including Rowan Atkinson as a glutton priest and Keegan-Michael Kay as a rotund police chief) also delivers with some delightful overacting.

Pinocchi-O-Rama #12: OcchioPinocchio (1994)

Pinocchi-O-Rama comes to an end with a movie that will absolutely say nothing to anyone outside of Italy, despite being technically released in the US i seriously doubt there’s a solid stratum of english language coverage on OcchioPinocchio, which isn’t surprising since in time the film has not gotten much of a revaluation, heck quite the opposite, even by people that discovered it unaware of its messy production history or the figure of Tuscanian comedian and director Francesco Nuti.

While i’m not gonna over how a primer of Nuti’s work as there’s no time and i’m far from the right person for the job, the movie itself did hit all the snags while in production, expected to be in theather for Christmas 1993, shot in Texas and Louisiana, nowhere ready by the expected date, with a budget of 13 millions (pretty luscious for an Italian production at the time) that, due to the death of one of the distributor’s namesake founders, balooned to 25-30 millions.

Worse, as the dwindling relationship between Nuti and the production company had the set being stripped, he eventually had to sue the producer to try and make shooting proceed, which didn’t stop Nuti having to fork out 2 millions out of his own pocket to get the thing done and released by 1994.

All for a movie that basically nuked any goodwill and expectations left for Nuti as a creator, not only marking his creative crisis but also being a huge flop, bringing in 5 millions in box office.

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[EXPRESSO] Godzilla Minus One (2023) | WW Zilla

I was kinda apprehensive going into the new Godzilla movie (which is getting limited weeklong screenings everywhere outside of Japan), weirdly enough, due to some disappointed early feedback, so i decided to ignore most coverage after that and just go see it.

And i will address that indeed, after Shin Godzilla, going back to a period piece story set during WW II feels like a convenient move to avoid tackling modern political issues… but i will say that Godzilla Minus One does earn your attention and investment, thanks to one of the closest attempts at recapturing the spirit of the original Godzilla, to the point it’s almost a remake-prequel, and a great damn one that focuses on the human characters with great drama, punctuated by action scenes involving Godzilla (not the other way around), while also making Big G itself menacing again.

The premise follows Koichi, a man designed as a kamikaze pilot that, during the final years of WW II, fakes a malfunction of his airplane, and lands on the small island of Odo . There he is one of the few that survives the encounter with a giant dinosaur the locals call “Godzilla”, and with great shame, he comes back to the bombed ruins of his parent house, takes in a homeless woman and her foster daughter. In time the reconstruction begins, Koichi is on the verge of finally putting his nightmares of war to rest, but then Godzilla shows up again….

Honestly, even if not trying to push new boundaries, at all, Godzilla Minus One it’s a greatly compelling story with good characters, a solid period war drama at its core, and while the monster is CG, they pulled off a miracle with the effects looking so good for the tiny budget of 15 millions.

Highly recommended.

[EXPRESSO] Diabolik 3: Diabolik, Chi Sei? (2023) | Flashback Finale

Teased at the end of Ginko Attacks!, the new and final movie of the Manetti Bros. Diabolik trilogy recently hit theathers here, titled “Diabolik- Chi Sei?” (Diabolik, Who Are You?).

Given how i loathed Ginko Attacks, i watched the new film mostly for completition’s sake… and this one it’s a little better, but it has its own set of issues.

The plot sees a new criminal gang arise in Clarville, proving to be even more ruthless than Diabolik itself, much to the dismay of officer Ginko, whom loses one of his most trusted men to the gang, and is later held hostage… alongside a captive Diabolik. So its up to Ginko’s love interest, Countess Altea, to seek help from Diabolik’s partner in life & crime, Eva Kant, in order to save them.

Sounds decent but the idea it’s undermined by how quickly this new gang can capture Diabolik, the supposed master of crime, how once again most of the work is up to Eva Kant more than Diabolik itself, even worse this time around, as Diabolik’s main contribution is chatting with Ginko and telling him his origin story. In the third fuckin movie of the trilogy, mind you.

The origin story itself it’s more interesting than the actual plot of the movie, which feels thin, so why not at this point spend a third of the movie on that to reach a 2 hours runtime. The kinda anticlimactic actual resolution of the whole gang subplot doesn’t help either.

Like the other two modern Diabolik movies, this one too perfectly captures the style and mood of the comics, but it kinda forgots you maybe should adapt the decades old stories for modern audiences, or actually try to improve them for the big screen.

This one it’s mediocre and not much else.

Pinocchi-O-Rama #11: Pinocchio AKA The Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio (1971)

If you go to the Wikipedia page for the original Pinocchio book, you will notice many entries in the Films and Related sections.

As the time of writing, there’s a notable omission, as in, The Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio, made in 1971, directed by Corey Allen, one that i swore was in the Wikipedia page before, and one i knew about long before Wikipedia was even a thing.

One that i knew will have to eventually be featured here, and as much i pushed it back down the list for Pinocchiorama… i don’t wanna talk about it around Christmas (and/or equivalent festivies), and i promised some variety to this retrospective, so time to get soft… core.

I mean, let’s get this clear right away: this is a soft-core porn parody of Pinocchio, one that was bound to eventually exist anyway due to the character phallicular nosejobbery.

On the flipside, i don’t have to worry about blackboxing any of the screenshots, so…

For various reasons, one would expect what’s basically a porno spoof to reinvent the original material in a comedic und sexual fashion, though “reinvent” implies a level of creativity that might be a little above crap like Gums, the bar isn’t much higher but we can get lower, down to the abyss of the Super Hornio Bros movies (yes plural) or stuff that the Cinema Snob has reviewed in bucket loads, gaining the unenviable nightmares of a female ET or the cardiatic arrest of a Strokemon.

Knowledge isn’t always benevolent, after all, hopefully the aforementioned paragraph does not trigger any ‘Nam flashback in you, or sparks some morbose tendency.

Who can really say….

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[EXPRESSO] Thanksgiving (2023) | Grum Not Included

It’s taken a lot of time, but even more of those “fake trailers for exploitation movies that don’t exist” shown on the Grindhouse are now a reality. 16 years later (12 after Hobo With A Shotgun actual feature film) Eli Roth has come back to make the “slasher Thanksgiving” film reality.

Makes sense, since there are no real notable “Thanksgiving” horror films that are slashers AND actually about Thanksgiving. again, Blood Rage doesn’t count, and i’d rather forget about Thankskilling, the movie unbothered to imply killer turkey cunnilingus. So let’s.

In a way, Thanksgiving it’s nothing special in itself, as in it’s a holiday slasher that starts on a fateful Thanksgiving day in Plymouth, Massachusetts, where a bunch of crazed holiday shoppers go mental while waiting for a Black Friday nighttime opening sale, ultimately smashing into the place, causing damages, many wounded and even some dead.

1 year later the protagonist teens that were on the scene (among others) get tagged on social media by a mysterious individual setting up a dinner table with their names on it, and eventually people are being killed by a mysterious murderer donning a pilgrim get-up and one of the many John Carver masks the city hands out by the bucketloads for the holiday.

There’s plenty of that…. “peculiar” Eli Roth style of dialogues and characterizations, but it fits the grindhouse tone, it definitely lives up to the gore you expect from an exploitation horror flick (no nudity though, oddly enough), the retro yet modern style it goes for it’s actually well crafted, embracing the absurd and stupid overall concept (death by black friday stampede is what sets the massacre off, after all), i honestly think it pretty much does everything it could with it.

Some primo dumb but hugely entertaining holiday slasher romp.

The Flying Luna Clipper (1987) [REVIEW] | Laserdisc Vaporware Of Yore

Think there is little to new variety to the blog, maybe lamenting i don’t review stuff like Walerian Borowczyk’s filmography? Too many occasional ninjas, exploitation flicks, or ninjaxploitation flicks? You’re wrong, but for the sake of it, we’re going into proper obscure, cult classic weird territory with The Flying Luna Clipper, the best intro movie to a game that doesn’t exist.

Imagine an obscure japanese point and click game heavy on surreal imagery of moon faced TV presenters, birdmen and anthro fruits, all natively dubbed in nearly “engrish” fashion, but instead of having to solve inventory puzzles or explore or witness dream scenarios while Osamu Sato tunes play in the background… minus the gameplay aspect.

Because this was never meant to be a game, but a showcase of what the MSX line of 8-bit computers could accomplish, an art film distributed by Sony and directed by Ikko Ono, the graphic designer mostly known for the cover artworks of MSX Mazagine, also having a column in the magazine itself for various illustrations, Ikko’s Gallery, that would later be featured in this film, presented by/as “Ikko’s Theathre”.

And it’s the very definition of forgotten gem, since it did receive various releases on home video in Japan at the time, but it was basically only salvaged from the darkness in 2015 when Matt Hawkins found a copy of its Laserdisc release in a thrift store, and uploaded it to Youtube, and ever since growing its niche popularity, to the point it’s definitely one of the main inspiration for what would later become the “vaporwave” art scene, itself stemming from the music style of the same name.

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Ninja The Shadow Killers AKA Shadow Killers Tiger Force (1986) [REVIEW] | WIN (Women In Ninja)

Endless is the quest for the acolytes of the ninja way as teached by Master Ninja Ho, after all – as E. Honda once said – the training never really ends, and there are at least still DOZENS and DOZENS of cut-n-paste ninja flicks from the IFD Film & Arts mill left to review and catalogue properly.

Ninja The Shadow Killers is definitely one of them, but this time we have something slightly different in terms of the witch’s brew that will pass for a film, as i’m pretty sure i never saw any other one where he spliced his western ninja footage…. into a women in prison film.

Definitely a genre we don’t really cover to any degree here, not on purpose or anything, but yep, indeed, the “host movie footage” is taken from 1976’s Taiwanese-Hong Kong-South Korean film Prisoner 470 (reminding me of yet another movie series i could be watching instead), and is also notable how this time we have a female ninja protagonist/master, Jenny, played by Deborah Grant.

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