[EXPRESSO] Halloween: Match Made In Horror iOS | Realtor Squallor

One day, i get an email of recommended apps from the Apple algorhythm… and among the endless anime gacha games, i saw his face. Or his mask, in this case, as the app icon for something called Halloween: Match Made In Horror.

I shouldn’t be surprised, since we even got a match-3 puzzle game to promote Godzilla 2014 and there’s even shit like WWE Champions, but still, i was stunned by the creative entropy on display, ensnared by the utter audacity of it all i did end up downloading, playing it more than necessary and making this review, because if i have to know this is a thing, now you have too.

And no, it’s was not meant to advertise the David Gordon Green legacy sequel to Halloween (which would become a pointless trilogy), it’s just based around the first movie, and beyond the Halloween licensed skin, it’s just another match-3 puzzle game, a shitty free-to-play one too, with the semblance of progression provided by spending the stars collected by finishing levels on renovating the various houses seen in the film, like the Stroude house, because when i think Michael Myers i think of the cut-throat world of real estate.

Just the more barebones generic and non-descript viable product you can squeeze out of your bumcheeks, with some of the more desperate window dressing i’ve ever seen, and it look like ass in very conceivable way, even still images of the franchise characters look like they were sculpted out of expired bootleg butter, and the “animated” cutscenes that either are too brief to make any sense, try to recreate various shots from the 1975 film, or some weird meta shit like the one where we get the POV of someone playing this very game and then briefly sees Michael Myers.

[EXPRESSO] Smile 2 (2024) | Aphex Twin

Smile was a surprise release in many regards, but i guess we couldn’t leave it alone as a single good horror film, hence there’s a “sequel”, quotations because after seeing the trailer i figured this was more of a loose continuation than anything else.

While is true that the plot basically doesn’t really require to have seen Smile to be followed, it does actually pick up after its ending, with a police officer trying to pass on the curse on a couple of criminals, somehow managing that only to try escaping and getting torn apart by a car that smashes over him. Later on, in NY, we follow popstar Skye Riley preparing her comeback tour, after struggling with drug abuse and surviving a car crash that killed her boyfriend, a famous actor.

While she is helped by her mother, manager and assistant, Riley sneak out to buy vicodin for her crippling back pain from a dealer that begins to sport a vicious smile, and then kills himself before her, passing on the curse…

The first Smile worked so well in spite of everything sounding like it shouldn’t, committing to the idea and making for quite the good film that managed to walk the fine line between the silly and the freaky, and this one is arguably another surprise, as it does know the novelty factor of the “Richard D. James” face is gone, so it upstages the first in gore, jumpscares, plot, spectacle, freaky visuals, special effects, arguably even in terms of main character, with Naomi Scott being great as the manic, guilt ridden popstar with everything to lose from even the smallest fuck up on her way to reclaim her career.

It’s a rare case of a sequel being on par with the first good entry, arguably even better.

The Spooktacular Eight #22: Wendigo (2001)

At the turn of the millennium, found footage horror was born and while it’s often a very divisive subgenre nowadays (as big budget companies co-opted it since it lowered the already low costs for horror films), it can’t be denied The Blair Witch resparked interest in urban legends, the lore of the suburbs or previously forgotten folklore myths, which affected even films not made in what now we call “found footage” or “mockumentary”.

This is i guess was the overall unspoken mood of the era, even though in this case director and writer Larry Ferdessen (1997’s Habit, the Until Dawn videogames, The Last Winter, Depraved) set out more to channel the 30s classic horror monster films (which the director himself confirmed are a great influence on his works) but in modern arthouse fashion, with a psychological horror thriller named after the mythical monster figure of Native American/First Nation folklore (Algonquian one, to be precise), of the titular Wendigo.

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The Spooktacular Eight #21: The Awful Doctor Orloff (1962)

Ah, good ol’ Jess Franco, the master of lesbian vampire action, the exploitation master from Spain that both film dozens of softcore trash but also worked with Christopher Lee as either a vampire or the old villian Fu Manchu, that deals in adaptations of Marquis De Sade but also completed the previously (and unfamously) unfinished Orson Welles version of Don Quixote.

I really can’t do him justice, but i did pick one of the films from before he really declined and put out some really atrocious stuff, like the final entries in the Fu Manchu series (the Castle Of Fu Manchu being the subject of a popular MST3K episode ), shit like Dracula VS Frankenstein, or even pseudosequels that cannibalizzed on Franco own’s Dr. Orloff series with reused stock footage to make in name only adaptations of Poe works, in particular his The Revenge in The House Of Usher, which is a mess and a half since it has 3 different cuts (often having different titles as well). 2 of which reuse even more footage from this 1962 Dr. Orloff film that started the series.

But let’s pretend we do not yet know of this, and let’s talk plot.

Which is not quite original, as it’s an amalgamation of Frankenstein and french classic Eyes Without A Face (especially the latter), as the titular Dr. Orloff attracts young women to his castle so he can harvest her skin with the help of a disfigured, blind assistant/henchman named Morpho (a Mighty Monarch approved name indeed).

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The Spooktacular Eight #20: Satan’s Blade (1984)

This is not any blade, old boring knife or fancy hookbill, this is Lucifer’s very own slashing “Miracle Blade as seen on TV” apparel, it’s the SATAN’S BLADE ©.

Once again a pick from my collection of Arrow Video releases of obscure slashers, this one being kinda unassuming, solid title aside, and one i’ve never heard before AV rereleased it with their usual quality restoration, sleek new cover artwork and bundle of extra contents.

Then again, it’s no surprise this is primo “never heard of the fucking thing” material for (re)discovery, as it comes with one of the classic production woes common to smaller/low budget films of the era, as in it was shot in 1980 at Big Bear, California, but wasn’t released until 1984.

So more regional US low budget slasher horror, which is almost guaranteed when digging deep in the layers of obscure and “actually obscure” slashers from the genre golden age.

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[EXPRESSO] Never Let Go (2024) | Always sometimes monsters

After the flood crocodile horror bout of Crawl, Alexandre Aja returns with a new horror thriller, Never Let Go, a supernatural tale with a folkish horror bent that feels a little Bird Box and a bit of The Watchers, as it tells the tale of a family of three living deep in the woods, with the mother and children leaving the safe haven of their blessed home only with a rope tying them to the house, so that “the evil can’t get them”, as the mother -often seeing monstruous creatures lurking upon them – tells her sons.

As we learn more of the daily rituals and customs the family performs in order to survive deep in the woods, we start to wonder if this is just the extreme result of the mother being mentally ill or hallucinating after a trauma, alongside the younger brother, whom once stayed outside the house ropeless and never felt or saw the “evil”.

And it would have benefitted the movie if continued the mystery or opted for a different resolution, because the drama is intriguing, you wanna see where exactly this situation can lead as it becomes clearer this is most certainly the horrible and unwanted outcome borne out of motherly love and schizophrenic degrade.. but then in the final act the script retires to the obvious and expected “countertwist” we have seen coming and wished it didn’t do, kinda writing itself into a corner where it either that or feeling like the movie is “throwing away” its entire set up.

It’s a shame because the final act basically makes Never Let Go slide from “quite good” to “quite decent”, the performances and direction are great but the final nosediving into cliched territory, with a banal ending too… it’s quite frustrating.

Still worth checking out.

[EXPRESSO] Joker: Foliè A Deux (2024) | Pierrot Le Bore

Cards on the table: i didn’t like the first Joker, but it was influential, and more importantly, it made money, also i guess Todd Phillips was still bummed about people calling his (mostly) garbage comedies antiquated garbage, so Joker 2 it is.

Though i will admit that, on paper, the idea of a Joker sequel taking into account the reception of the first movie, as it basically became an unintentional big budget “incel manifesto”, deliberately not giving the audience what it wants, in order to do a character assassination of the Arthur/Joker persona.. it’s quite the interesting idea.

Problem is, it does so over a grueling 2 hours and 20 minutes of Todd Philipps exposing the thesis/message that should have been obvious in the first Joker, overexplaining it over and over, now wih musical numbers that are made to be loathed by musical fans and haters alike, so overabundant and pointless are these song inserts with lyrics either too vague or on the nose.

Just to make the whole thing feel even more of a punishment, not only for the people that saw the first movie as an endorsement of Joker’s actions, as Foliè Au Deux doesn’t have anything else of substance to add or say to compensate for what it purposefully sets out to deny… probably because it would have contrasted with the need to make people hate the film (and by extension the Joker persona) on purpose.

Which it does accomplish greatly.

I almost wanna like it for its unflinching committment to its unpopolar vision, but there’s still no amount of “post-irony” that changes the fact this is a boring overly long slog, too content to having “outplayed” its audience, too happy to wallow in its own smugness on having “made a point” to care about being entertaining.

The Spooktacular Eight #18: The Dunwich Horror (1970)

We cover surprisingly little Lovecraft content, so let’s rectify that a bit with one of the earliest film adaptation of a popular tale of Mr. Racist, The Dunwich Horror, arguably one of the most well known stories of his and hence one of the most adapted alongside The Color Out Of Space, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, Herbert West- Reanimator, and obviously The Call Of Cthulu.

Speaking of official adaptation, at the very least, and even so this is just the second oldest film adaptation, as Roger Corman (whom also was an executive producer here) did a loose but credited adaptation in 1963’s The Haunted Palace, part of his Edgar Allan Poe series but in this case just borrowing the name from a poem later tied to Poe’s Fall Of The House Of Usher, in reality adapting The Case Of Charles Dexter Ward.

And loose adaptation of Lovecraft’ works was the name of the game at the time, which was when his work finally started gathering popularity and beginning his revival to a staple of horror and science fiction that is today.

So since this is the first properly marketed wide spread film adaptation, i’m willing to cut it some slack as the “first (proper) try” of adapting material that struggles to be adapted in audiovisual form, we’re already had the “cosmic horror is difficult to make on film” talk before (when talking of 2001’s Dagon by Brian Yuzna, if not mistaken), i’m not gonna repeat myself this time.

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The Spooktacular Eight #17: Anthrophophagus (1980)

Somehow, we live in a world where not only Joe “Aristide Massaccesi” D’Amato’s Anthrophophagus has been remade but also received a “sequel” (after his “spiritual sequel”, Absurd). How lucky are we?

Yep, indeed, the infamous gore flick that had George Eastman as an amphibious cannibal going around a deserted and isolated Greek island, in this occasion stumbling upon a pregnant women, his equivalent of a double combo fast food menù, but after all, it’s called Anthrophophagus, the latin term for “cannibal”… unless it’s the theatherical US release, called Savage Island.

Or the very cut down UK home video release as “The Grim Reaper”, which also contains a different score, using music from Kingdom Of The Spiders.

I’d recommend looking for the Severin Blu-Ray release of the film, as it has a lot of extras, it’s a 2K restoration that improves the video quality from previous releases notably, a previously unseen deleted scenes, if you can/want.

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Resident Evil: Death Island (2023) [REVIEW] | Code Vendetta X

Since it’s still summer-ish and we won’t have time for it this october, i feel it’s time for me to complete (until a new one comes out) my coverage of the Resident Evil CG films, after tackling the Netflix CG series and then doing a retrospective on the previous CG animated films.

From the title i’d assume its either based on Code Veronica or RE Revelations 2, but nope, there are echoes of that, but this is actually a direct sequel of the last, Resident Evil: Vendetta.

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