Before the year ends, it’s time to fullfil some promises nobody care about, so after reviewing Attack Of The Sabretooth (AKA Primal Park) back in whenever that happened, i realized almost before i finished writing the review, that this was sorta/kinda/vaguely a sequel to another movie about sabertooth tigers, as in they were sequelized only when localized in some foreign markets, as they have nothing to do with each other… aside from the writer, being Tom Woosley for both otherwise unrelated movies about extinct tiger species going about killing people.
Still more sensible than most of the italian cannibal film being retitled as “Cannibal Holocaust 2” when not even the lead actor’s dingus is a shared asset.
Simply titled “Sabretooth”, this is yet another TV movie that debutted on the ol’ Sci-Fi channel about killer animals that might or not be mutants or resurrected extinct evolutionary cul-de-sacs because Spielberg did a killing resurrecting the ancient lineage of the KFC bucket a decade ago.
And Roger Corman was also there to rip chickens up with its Carnosaur, then again, Clint Howard WAS eating chicken in front a chicken coup (and dinosaurs).
Of course this was already done, i would say i’m surprised it took so long for the obvious idea to actually materialize, but then again it came out in the mid 2010s, an all time high for cheap ass shark movies unafraid to lower the bar even further, this time with the brilliant “ “what if but zombies?” concept, but – again – we never had this specific flavor of shark movie, so whatever.
As even a blind rock could guess by now, it’s a TV movie for SyFy (retitled as Shark Island in some releases), and it’s from director Misty Talley, actually her first shark attack flick, before Ozarks Sharks/ Summer Shark Attack and Mississippi River Sharks(both previously featured here), but also starring Jason London, whom i guess he’s “shark movie borgeusy” since he also shows up in Dam Sharks, for one.
So we have all the ingredients for a mildly fun timewaster… and the result it’s exactly that.
I could end the review here, but lets talk about the plot, despite there being no real need to, since Zombie Shark it’s exactly what it says on the tin and what you’d think it would be.
As i already mentioned before, my Vita is still in the shop for repairs, meaning one of the planned reviews won’t be ready in time, but it is my birthday, and they announced a 4K remaster of Angel’s Egg supervised by Oshii himself…
So you know what it means? Time to review In The Aftermath (also known as In The Aftermath: Angels Never Sleep), in its Blu-Ray release from Arrow Video, of course i got this release as soon as i knew it existed.
And yes, i started planning this earlier this month only to read some days later of Corman’s passing, so this was not meant to be a tribute…. but it now is because Roger Corman was a true fuckin cinema legend in so many ways it’s unbelievable, either if you were a fan of his B-movies production or knew how he basically kickstarted the career of so many future movie stars like Jack Nicholson and directors like James Cameron, to say the obvious.
Maybe an odd choice of movie to cover as a tribute, but the timing has been so weirdly apt i can’t ignore it, and this is indeed an interesting piece of cinema history, of when Corman indirectly met Mamoru Oshii… but didn’t know what to do with his vision, to put it politely.
The very – and this case literal – enbodiment of “we have Godzilla at home”, though it’s american-flavoured Godzilla given the production and the year it came out, one year that lives in infamy for the Godzilla faithful, but wait, there’s actually more as this is also kinda E.T., guess the echoes of Nukie and Mac & Me made the idea survive till the very end of the millennium itself.
And speaking of rip-offs it’s not totally incorrect since this TV movie premiered the very same day early screening for 1998 Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla were held, so yeah, it is not a victim of circumstances or a project in production before that was hurried to “compete” (by trying to come out first in hope of fooling the less informed, as usual) with an upcoming big budget Hollywood film that happened to have a similar plot or subject matter.
Still, i think “rip-off” might be too strong a word, since it doesn’t even really tries to do emulate the Roland Emmerich movie, and it’s actually closer to Gorgo or Gappa (as there are more of the monster siblings and parents), because it does involve the “momma monster” coming of the seabed to retrieve “da baby” from an enclosure of sorts, in this case though it because underwater quakes made possible for some amphibious giant reptilian creatures to show up on the beaches of Malau, Hawaii, where a marine biologist has brought along his son for work and to hopefully process the recent loss of the mother.
There’s no more Carnosaur movies for me to review, and while this isn’t directly related to that series, nor comes from one of his companies, it’s directed by another prolific director versed in both cult classics and huge big box blockbuster successes, Mark L. Lester, here clearly in his “TV B-movies” phase, decades after his adaptation of Stephen King’s Firestarter , Roller Boogie, good ol’ Commando or Class of 1984.
As one could simply guess, this is indeed a dinosaur TV movie made for the Sci Fi Channel, produced by Lester’s American World Pictures, and apparently was the highest rated tv movie of this type commissioned by and for “SiFy”. At least according to Mark L. Lester’s bio on IMDB.
The plot it’s that pterodactyls have survived and thrived to the present day, nesting into a dormant volcano within the forest of Turkey, preying on whoever and whatever they come across.
So of course that’s exactly where a group of teenagers are led for a science expedition by Professor Lovecraft (pretty much all the characters are named after science fiction and fantasy writers, that’s cute), but worry not, there are also US commandos led by Captain Berge (played by Coolio) hunting Russian terrorists that supposedly are hiding inside the nearby dormant volcano.
Raptors: the second fiddle of the dinosaur orchestra.
(The third being the pterodactyls, btw)
Nothing beat the word “raptor” as a way to get your attention when scrolling through the channels in a boring saturday afternoon, or while searching trashy TV movies that just couldn’t come up with a weird or catchy title able to shoehorn a pun with “t-rex” or “dinosaur”, so “raptor [noun]” it is.
This also happens to be the “sequel” to another SyFy Channel mandated dino flick, Raptor Island, which we covered last year, so it’s no wonder it has alternative titles like Raptor Island 2: Planet Raptor, and shit like that, but it’s also unsurprising how sketchy are its claims of being a sequel to that other movie. It’s just part of the package to lie in this regard for this TV dino movies.
And it’s also “a sequel but not really” in the same way these usually are, with one or two actors from that previous one and it being shot in the same – kind of cheaper foreign country (this time the woods of Bulgaria take a rest so the Romanian ones can “swap in”), that’s all in terms of thing carried over, as the director is different (this time at the helm we have Gary Jones, of Mosquito, Spiders and some episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess fame) and the plots don’t really connect.
Yes, i did get to know this was ever a thing thanks to SaberSpark’s Youtube channel, i decided to eventually dig into the matter myself and do my own research, though it’s kinda hard not to step on each other’s feet, so to speak, when this one is connected to another infamous “target” for contents creators on Youtube, as in this is also by Colin Slater, better known for the christmas trashfire of Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe In Santa, featuring the meme gold of “Grandma speaking APYR”.
Because this is how internet legends are born, kids, though it helps when comparisons of your movie to Foodfight that make that mess look like a TRIGGER studio masterpiece.. ain’t wrong.
But does Promare have Mark Hamill in it? Didn’t think so.
Welcome to the super amateur hour, where shit that could barely pass as a college boy first draft for an animation in the late 90s is put out as an officially finished product, though both projects, Rapsittie Street Kids and today’s Dinosaur Island, both made by Colin Slater’s Wolftracer Studios, were considered lost media. despite Rapsittie Street Kids actually airing on tv. Even if just once.
For this month’s issue of Pinocchi-O-Rama, we’re going back to a “combo mix” of sorts.
We’ve seen live action adaptations, we’ve seen adaptations of the russian version of the novel, The Adventures Of Buratino/The Golden Key, we’ve seen musical adaptations.
So yeah, time to squish them all together for this 1975’s forgotten cult classic Soviet live action children musical TV movie adaptation of Buratino/Pinocchio shenanigans, made by Belarusfilm and released as a 2-parter, because media trends are cyclical after all.
Thankfully there’s no waiting for the climax as it’s almost a 50 yo adaptation, a fairly obscure one that thankfully can be found with hardcoded english subtitles on Youtube (fittingly spit in 2 parts, as well), and at the time of posting still is.
It’s a drought in every way, so let’s go the ol’ content mill to see what garbage TV disaster movie we can fish out from Amazon Prime Video and it’s ever so unreliable availability of old stuff that now is included with the Prime membership, now isn’t available anymore, or is it but if you subscribe to another channel/service for 8 bucks a month, so sod it, let’s see a random pick from my list which is available for “free”, and if nothing else there’s plenty of these disaster movies to chew through on the service. So i’m kinda glad we didn’t land on one of the Asylum one with this dice throw.
Nope, we’re going back to the late 90s, on the verge of the 2000s being a thing and the Y2K scare was being throttled, with all the bullshit it produced, but it was simpler times as you could make disaster movie about “just” tsunami without the need of a hook like crystal meth spiders hiding under the tectonic plates so now we have swarms of drug spiders being spread by the tidal waves.
Predictably, Tidal Wave: No Escape, directed by George Miller (not that one, despite this George Miller also having a history of directing children movies with/about animals) is about tsunami happening out of the blue (pun) in various american coasts, which forces the usual unwilling “scientist in hiding/ritire” to touch grass and try to make sense of the phenomenon, revealing that he did study a method to artificially create tidal waves, so he gets suspected but then a mysterious voice calls them to inform that the killer waves will happen again, and again and again.
Is Poseidon itself treathening mankind? Will the dumbass army men figure out he’s obviously not the protagonist scientist behind this? Will he form a bond that will bloom into romance with the female scientist that initially thought explosions or meteors were behind the tsunamis?
In terms of plot or characters there’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but even if mostly stereotyped (the dickwad head honcho who is convinced the hero is actually the villain because of petty jealousy, also present in the variant of the more fair and impartial but also incredibly dense black officer whom isn’t as lucky as the dickwad boss), the characters are ok, the acting is decent enough, and surprisingly the effects are not too bad looking today.
Sure, they have certainly aged and are obvious by today’s standards, but this one came before widespread use of cheap digital effects, which are maybe used twice for minor things, so they have to make the waves hitting look real the old fashion way, and for a TV movie of the era it does a respectable job, given the limitations and not having much in terms of “cinematic scope” for spectacle. Again, it was indeed what one could expect for this type of production in that decade.
And to my surprise, Tidal Wave: No Escape it’s actually not bad, not bad at all, the balance between drama and the conspiracy plot is actually nice, and direction is strong especially in the first half, sadly after the mid point and the reveal of a character’s true motivations, the narrative kinda turns into a more typical and a bit too old school action-disaster movie stuffed with boring or filler-ish dialogues so the villain can say something before the climax and some dumb conversations can be had, even thought by this point you won’t really care much about and are just waiting for things to finally unfold as you’d expect they would (and they do).
It’s definitely a naive and kinda outdated relic of its time, especially as you can date it just by how the “hacking” and rudimentary database rummagign is done via old DOS computers on the respectively old timey computer screens not brimming with many colors, but honestly that’s kinda cute to see today, and overall the movie manages to be respectable, enjoyable despite its flaws , which surprisingly do not lie in aged special effects, more in a bloated third act and a fairly thin plot, but it doesn’t bore the viewer with excessive and tiresome pseudo science exposition dumps, plus it does its job with some dignity despite the overall result being just above mediocrity, and that alone is more than one could have expected to say of a 1997 TV disaster movie about tidal waves.
Police officer Murphy is shot down while confronting a criminal gang, but his body is found by a brood of crocodiles living in Detroit’s sewer system. They nurse him back to health, let him partake of their radioactive flesh, which helps him grow back the lost limbs, and eventually he reemerges into the public eye as the hybrid man-croc vigilante Robocroc.
This is NOT the plot of Robocroc, not that the actual one has anything to do with the movie spoofed in the title. It would took to much time and effort, and this is just not the way these post-Sharkenado low budget killer animal flicks do it. It must be stupid, but within the itsby bitsy budgets, which overtime seem to have gotten smaller and smaller, closer and closer to the “Polonia-sphere”.
So it also means this has more in common with Metal Gear Rising Revengeance than Robocop, as the plot involves a missile launch that goes awry, with the ejected part landing in a zoo, nanomachines coming out of it and into a female crocodile named Stella that happened to be nearby the capsule’s crash site, and these slowly turn her into a cyborg bent on eating his way through the special forces called into the enclosure, then escaping the facility to feed on random people fishing in a lagoon, stopping on dry land to feast on people guilty of driving quad bikes, and finally going for the big feast of a nearby aqua park full of teens partying.
Wise Cafe (International) 