The Spooktacular Eight #29: The Beast With Five Fingers (1946)

Something else we never covered here in Spooktacular Eight (or the blog, if i remember correctly), the “killer hand subgenre” of horror.

Ok, “subgenre” is being very generous, “microgenre” is more correct, as there’s notmuch to cover, “Hand” from the Addams Family doesn’t count, so it’s mostly this (kinda, not really, for reasons i will explain), 1963’s The Crawling Hand, 1981’s The Hand and 1999’s Idle Hands.

No, ironically Manos doesn’t count either, so doesn’t the classic scene with Ash’s hand in Evil Dead 2, nor does more recent stuff like Talk To Me, despite a hand being relevant to the plot and not just a thing that happens in a random scene of the movie, or just a segment of an anthology like in Dr’s Terror House Of Horrors (1965).

But by that logic i shouldn’t count 1924’s Hands Of Orlac (of which this could be considered a sorta of remake, not the first anyway) or this movie either….but before that, plot.

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Valentine (2001) [REVIEW] | Class Of 1988

Thought i’ve run out of Valentine’s Day themed slasher to unearth?

Think again, because i feel i’m about to, but i managed to dig up one i’ve never heard before, not even in lists, simply called Valentine, released in 2001, based on the novel of the same name by Tom Savage.

1988, Valentine’s Day dance at a highschool in San Francisco, an outcast called Jeremy Melton asks out four girls for a dance, but he gets rejected. One of the girls friends’, Dorothy, accepts him, but when they make out under the bleachers, they are jumped by some bullies, and Dorothy accuses Jeremy of assaulting her, so they beat the shit out of him.

Jeremy is expelled, sent to reform school, then accused by the girls of sexual assault, and eventually is sent to a sanitarium.

13 years later, the same girls are stalked and killed by someone in a trenchcoat sporting a Cupid mask, all in the days leading up to Valentine’s, making them wonder if Jeremy is back, as the warped Valentine letters each of them receives are signed “JM”….

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[EXPRESSO] The Lord Of The Rings: The War Of The Rohirrim (2024) | Anime Lord Of The Mononoke Rings

Disclaimer: i haven’t really followed/properly engaged with the Lords Of The Rings IP basically since… the original film trilogy.

But yes, when WB puts out in theathers an animated feature lenght Lords Of The Rings movie directed by Kenji Kamiyama (GITS: Stand Alone Complex, Eden Of The East, Napping Princess, GITS Stand Alone Complex 2045, Blade Runner: Black Lotus) in anime style, my interest is EXTREMELY piqued.

Taking place 183 years before the original film trilogy, the story concerns the destiny of the Helm House, as Helm Hammerhand suffers from internal strife and is then attacked by the wild tribes in the region, united by a vengeful man named Wulf, that leads them to war, with the Helm princess Hera at the forefront, eventually forced to hole themselves in the fortress of Hornburg, that would become known as Helm’s Deep.

It’s a weird combination because there’s a lot of might and barely any magic or fantasy stuff in this LOTR animated film, the animation by Sola Entertaiment (a not so random but still weird choice) it’s honestly kinda lackluster, as they have 2D animation overlayed on CGI backgrounds that opt for some kind of high fidelity “realism”, when it’s not just cheap 3D CG, or 3D CG passing as 2D animation, with a very inconsistent quality and the feeling this was kinda rushed.

The characters being so and so and the story having to retrofit and connect with later LOTR events don’t help, but i will say direction is quite solid, even with the animation issues and uneven quality it does deliver on the spectactle and pomp, it’s still enganging and very entertaining that its long runtime doesn’t bog it down.

A decent movie, even if it’s a weird yet familiar attempt to mine the LOTR IP to the bone.

[EXPRESSO] Joker: Foliè A Deux (2024) | Pierrot Le Bore

Cards on the table: i didn’t like the first Joker, but it was influential, and more importantly, it made money, also i guess Todd Phillips was still bummed about people calling his (mostly) garbage comedies antiquated garbage, so Joker 2 it is.

Though i will admit that, on paper, the idea of a Joker sequel taking into account the reception of the first movie, as it basically became an unintentional big budget “incel manifesto”, deliberately not giving the audience what it wants, in order to do a character assassination of the Arthur/Joker persona.. it’s quite the interesting idea.

Problem is, it does so over a grueling 2 hours and 20 minutes of Todd Philipps exposing the thesis/message that should have been obvious in the first Joker, overexplaining it over and over, now wih musical numbers that are made to be loathed by musical fans and haters alike, so overabundant and pointless are these song inserts with lyrics either too vague or on the nose.

Just to make the whole thing feel even more of a punishment, not only for the people that saw the first movie as an endorsement of Joker’s actions, as Foliè Au Deux doesn’t have anything else of substance to add or say to compensate for what it purposefully sets out to deny… probably because it would have contrasted with the need to make people hate the film (and by extension the Joker persona) on purpose.

Which it does accomplish greatly.

I almost wanna like it for its unflinching committment to its unpopolar vision, but there’s still no amount of “post-irony” that changes the fact this is a boring overly long slog, too content to having “outplayed” its audience, too happy to wallow in its own smugness on having “made a point” to care about being entertaining.

Suicide Squad Isekai (2024) [REVIEW] | Through The Unlooking Glass

Why i am reviewing this, you may be asking yourself.

Just for the trash factor? Just because its seems like “easy prey”?

Not quite, it’s more due to how since its debut (and even then, i learn this was gonna be through the collaboration with V-tuber and singer Mori Calliope, as she composed the ending theme) i never heard a single peep online about it, not even to shit on it, which worried me even more.

Also i learned after searching that it was being streamed in my region via a sub-channel on Amazon Prime Video, absolutely zero marketing had been spent to even make people know it was legally available on a commonly used streaming platform (FIY, there’s no HBO Max or Hulu here).

But still, this looked and sounded like like the kind of trash Twitter (not calling it X) loves to shit on weekly, just for the hell of it, but the only thing i saw on there was someone else befuddled by how the internet decided to skip having any discourse on it all together, that it was likely not even worth that kind of engagement, as nobody bothered, not even for the finale…..if anyone knew this series was a thing to begin with, that is. No one using the new Joker and Harley designs for their profile pictures, it was THAT much ignored or just never actually marketed properly after its announcement.

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[EXPRESSO] Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024) | Les dents du singe

Honestly, Godzilla fans have been eating good lately, because we both have great serious Godzilla movies like Minus One and then we have the Monsterverse delivering the funny cheesy , super silly Showa-era style kaiju clashes, crossovers and “monster royal rumble collabs”.

And i’m supposed to stand there and tell you i don’t love the high quality of monster movie silliness of Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, as if i can’t love both.

Following up after the events of Godzilla VS Kong, the two Titans have reached an equibrilium of sorts, with Kong ruling over Hollow Earth and Godzilla serving as a “protector” against other kaijus on the surface of the planet. But when quakes inside Hollow Hearth make way for a new menace, the Monarch foundation will have to make two rival Titans work together to confront it…

Sadly, Godzilla kinda plays second fiddle in terms of relevance to the story, which is mostly about Kong’s loneliness and longing to meet other apes of his kind, the human characters are still pretty much stereotypes deep as a puddle, but here they’re more fun and-or tolerable than they were in Godzilla VS Kong, we do get to learn more about the lore of the world and the creatures as expected/promised (there’s a lot packed into a 2 hours runtime), there are some cool new monsters, with the kaiju’s personalities coming through perfectly, all culminating into one of the more expensive tag team kaiju wrestling matches ever seen on films.

Silly as shit, and deliberately so, with Godzilla taking a knack to sleeping in the Coliseum you know what the tone is gonna be, and i can’t deny it’s a blast.

A silly, hugely entertaining blast.

Can’t wait for the next one, come on Legendary, work Gamera into this Monsteverse thing!

[EXPRESSO] Home Education (2023) | Bone Flute Lullaby

I’ve discussed the stigma attached to modern italian horror movies before, but despite the fact there’s very little horror movies that get made and get some kind of theathrical release (or even a streaming one), despite those that manage to emerge being often pretty bad and/or confusingly disinterested in being horror movies to begin with… it’s worth giving them a shot, because sometimes you do get a movie like Home Education, written and directed by Andrea Niada.

The premise centers about a weird family living in the middle of the woods, with the father passing down/indoctrinating his family in his esoteric cultish beliefs, so much that when he dies, the daughter and mother preserve his body and perform a series of obscure rituals (including the daughter using a bone flute to search for her father’s soul) as they think that in doing so and believing, REALLY believing in them, the father will come back from the world of the dead.

The mother especially pushes these beliefs on her daughter, whom she home schools, but the friendship with a young metal head boy will make the daughter question everything that she was taught, proving to be a potential obstacle for the resurrection ritual….

It’s a creepy and far from banal premise that does not go where you’d think it will, it manages to feel constantly creepy, with a great atmosphere, some solid and stylized effects that “give away” this having some financial baking, as it’s well presented but actually manages to make the most out of a limited number of characters, few locations, that limited but “effective if used right” deal, which the movie nails, making you on edge and guessing up until the great ending.

A really damn good surprise, one worth watching if/when it gets distributed outside of Italy.

[EXPRESSO] Full Metal Alchemist The Final Chapter: The Final Alchemy/The Last Transmutation (2022) | Finally Finality Forever

Well, that was quicker than i expected, as part 2 of the finale for the live-action FMA movie trilogy is now available worldwide on Netflix.

For those of you unaware, yep, they made 3 of these things, and btw, SPOILERS beware, because this adapts the final part of the manga, picking up exactly where Scar The Avenger ended, with Envy, Edward and Ling getting swallowed up inside Gluttony… after we’re introduced to Izumi and her husband meeting Hohenheim, father of the Elric brothers.

Then we’re up to the frozen fort of Briggs, meeting Olivia Armstrong, and the whole conspiracy behind the Homunculus, Van Hohenheim and the foundation of Amestris is revealed.

As with the previous movies, there are some changes and cuts to the plot (including some axed characters), , but – as said before – it’s fairly faithful all thing considered, and as one would expect it’s the longer one, almost clocking at 2 hours and a half.

Though i wish it was a bit longer, as in some istances they kinda overdo it and you get the feel that you somehow missed some scenes, as the editor just assumes the audience to already know exactly what was supposed to happen, while rushing, abridging the shit out or outright cutting sequences that were reasonably expected to be included.

Even more odd as this issue could have mostly resolved with 10/15 extra minutes, it’s the final movie of this trilogy and it’s already pretty long, but still, nothing that seriously harms the experience, same for the somewhat inconsistent quality of the cheapish CG for the Homunculus.

Overall, The Last Transmutation it’s on par with the previous FMA live-action movies in terms of quality, it’s decent and mostly faithful, regardless of any “need” for these to exist in the first place.

[EXPRESSO] Full Metal Alchemist: The Final Chapter – The Avenger Scar (2022) | Alexander “Ahoge Cum Head Tumor” Armstrong

As you might be aware, more live-action Full Metal Alchemist films were on to way to make it a trilogy, actually a two parter, announced last year to celebrate the manga’s 20^th anniversary, directed by Fumihiko Sori (Ping Pong, Vexille) and both already released theathrically this year in Japan.

Now we’re getting the first part of this “Final Chapter”, The Avenger Scar, internationally via Netflix, so let’s talk about it, i did review the first FMA live action film back in 2017.

It follow directly from when the 2016’s FMA movie left, and – as the title lays out – it’s about a nameless serial killer that is roaming about Central City offing State Alchemists, dubbed “Scar” due to his “X” shaped headwound.

The brothers encounter Scar but suffer defeat and have to escape, while the intrigues surrounding the military and the Homunculus unfold..

Like the previous movie, you’ll ask yourself why bother making live-actions like these, for the obvious reasons, which include some character designs clearly never meant for real people.

I wasn’t ready to see live-action Alexander Armstrong, nor could i ever be. Jesus.

If you can get over the many absurdities that come from the “anime/manga to live-action” transition, you’ll find a decent, fairly faithful adaptation of this part of the series, with some changes to the plot that basically relocate some events earlier or later and some fairly necessary concessions that had to be made anyway to have a 2 hours film.

It’s not the bad adaptation you think it is, nor it does the material quite the justice it deserves, but it’s a decent retelling, acting it’s ok, and it does what it sets out to do.

With some questionable effects at times, but at least it’s definitely better than the Bleach live action movie.

[EXPRESSO] Space Jam: A New Legacy/New Legends (2021) | Look On My Works, Ye Great Mighty Poo

Let’s get this over with, even if it’s pointless to review, as it’s just a WB corporate flex.

I revisited the original Space Jam just before seeing this, it was a corporate vehicle emphasizing cross brand promotion, spectacle, and references over story, with the “hook” of real life celebrities acting a cliched “inspiring sports film” formula alongside animated characters.

But in retrospect it had some laughs and some self awareness NOT weaponized to just suck corporate cocks in a proud cynical fashion, all the time.

And yes, this is just a new one, a “stand-alone sequel”, make sense since it has been in development hell for 15 years.

It has the same basic premise, with a basketball game deciding the fate of a real life person and the cartoon characters he mets in a new world. Obviously this one swaps Michael Jordan for James LeBron, but also tries to up the ante and modernize it, setting it in a virtual WB-verse where an evil algorhythm-IA has trapped LeBron and his younger son Dom.

Problem is it also quadruples down on corporate bullshit, to the point it’s way longer than it needs just to have countless references using WB owned IPs. Not jokes, references. It also takes itself more seriously for no reason, and it’s often more embarassing and awkward than funny or fun.

This is an official feature length shitpost filled with memes and references (not so much jokes), and while the animation isn’t bad, it’s a stylistically spineless affair, even the older Space Jam had a consistent style to the mixing of live action and animation.

The original was a product of his time as much as this new one is, but even the 1996 movie it’s still better than this specimen of pure corporate public narcistic wanking.

Horrendous.