[EXPRESSO] Wonka (2023) | Dagashi Kashi KING

Wasn’t sold on Chalamet as a “young Willy Wonka”, but i grew curious as i learnt it was from the director and team behind the Paddington movies… even though i never did saw them, but regardless, i gave this prequel-reboot story a punt and i did walk away pleasantly surprised.

Though you have to approach it fully aware this isn’t even trying to imitate the older, far more popular and iconic Gene Wilder-starring adaptation of Dahl’s story, but clearly keeping it in mind, as this modern take deliberatly downplays the frothing vein of cynicism of the 1971 movie adaptation, going for a far more positive, whimsical and wholesome tone that both fits the source material and actually manages to invent a worthwhile origin story for the wonderful wizard of candy, the dagashi kashi king of ye old fantasy Europa.

The origin story in question has him arrive in a city where the major chocolate manufacturers show off their products, getting hoodwinked into pretty much life-long debt, but he finds friends in an orphan girl named Noodle and the other people tricked into working laundry, that help him concoct a plan to still sell chocolate, despite the city’s big nose chocolate moguls working hard to have him gone for good at any cost…

It’s very, very cute and wholesome, the musical numbers are still a sizeable part of the movie and those here are also quite charming, the plot doesn’t overcomplicate things, the 2 hours runtime is supported by good pacing so never feels overwhelming, Chalamet does a very good job depicting a young, overly naive and quirky weirdo chocolate salesman-inventor-street magician Willy Wonka, and the rest of the cast (including Rowan Atkinson as a glutton priest and Keegan-Michael Kay as a rotund police chief) also delivers with some delightful overacting.

Pinocchi-O-Rama #12: OcchioPinocchio (1994)

Pinocchi-O-Rama comes to an end with a movie that will absolutely say nothing to anyone outside of Italy, despite being technically released in the US i seriously doubt there’s a solid stratum of english language coverage on OcchioPinocchio, which isn’t surprising since in time the film has not gotten much of a revaluation, heck quite the opposite, even by people that discovered it unaware of its messy production history or the figure of Tuscanian comedian and director Francesco Nuti.

While i’m not gonna over how a primer of Nuti’s work as there’s no time and i’m far from the right person for the job, the movie itself did hit all the snags while in production, expected to be in theather for Christmas 1993, shot in Texas and Louisiana, nowhere ready by the expected date, with a budget of 13 millions (pretty luscious for an Italian production at the time) that, due to the death of one of the distributor’s namesake founders, balooned to 25-30 millions.

Worse, as the dwindling relationship between Nuti and the production company had the set being stripped, he eventually had to sue the producer to try and make shooting proceed, which didn’t stop Nuti having to fork out 2 millions out of his own pocket to get the thing done and released by 1994.

All for a movie that basically nuked any goodwill and expectations left for Nuti as a creator, not only marking his creative crisis but also being a huge flop, bringing in 5 millions in box office.

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Pinocchi-O-Rama #11: Pinocchio AKA The Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio (1971)

If you go to the Wikipedia page for the original Pinocchio book, you will notice many entries in the Films and Related sections.

As the time of writing, there’s a notable omission, as in, The Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio, made in 1971, directed by Corey Allen, one that i swore was in the Wikipedia page before, and one i knew about long before Wikipedia was even a thing.

One that i knew will have to eventually be featured here, and as much i pushed it back down the list for Pinocchiorama… i don’t wanna talk about it around Christmas (and/or equivalent festivies), and i promised some variety to this retrospective, so time to get soft… core.

I mean, let’s get this clear right away: this is a soft-core porn parody of Pinocchio, one that was bound to eventually exist anyway due to the character phallicular nosejobbery.

On the flipside, i don’t have to worry about blackboxing any of the screenshots, so…

For various reasons, one would expect what’s basically a porno spoof to reinvent the original material in a comedic und sexual fashion, though “reinvent” implies a level of creativity that might be a little above crap like Gums, the bar isn’t much higher but we can get lower, down to the abyss of the Super Hornio Bros movies (yes plural) or stuff that the Cinema Snob has reviewed in bucket loads, gaining the unenviable nightmares of a female ET or the cardiatic arrest of a Strokemon.

Knowledge isn’t always benevolent, after all, hopefully the aforementioned paragraph does not trigger any ‘Nam flashback in you, or sparks some morbose tendency.

Who can really say….

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Yuru Camp/Laid Back Camp: The Movie (2022) [REVIEW] | Eiga Camp

We all make mistakes.

One is that i completely blanked out on the Yuru Camp/Laid Back Camp movie, despite basically worshipping the series, learning that it was coming later last year, even seeing a promo poster and the news that Crunchyroll would have it’s available for its worldwide release (as they did carry the entire series, OVAs and even the Room Camp spin-off)…. i somehow simply “forgor”.

Until the announcement of a third season woke me up and made me remember i somehow completely blanked out on the Yuru Camp Movie, so while it’s still Autumn (kinda), let me undo this stain on my campered soul. Let me do right by the Secret Society BLANKET.

(and yes, eventually i’ll get to the live-action adaptation)

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[EXPRESSO] The Marvels (2023) | Three Of A Perfect Pair

Once again i have to preface i do not follow the Disney + Marvel series, i simply do not, i do get a laugh at reading how the fuck Marvel has issues with the Blade reboot (it is absurd), but i do watch the theathrical releases, with this later one being pretty much a Captain Marvel sequel, with the twist of having Danvers form an unlikely trio with Kamala Khan AKA Ms Marvel, and her believed to be lost niece, Monica Rambeau, whom also received energy powers after an accident.

As to why, it’s because a new villain, a Kree survivor and rebel, has acquired a powerful artifact, which has the side effect of making the three heroines do a switcharoo every time they use their powers, and they’ll have to find a way to work together in order – as “The Marvels” – to avoid the universe is further teared apart by wormholes and space-time completely breaks down…

I wasn’t a fan of the first film, or Captain Marvel herself, but this feels like a step-up, as there’s more going on, Kamala Khan being….. herself is very cute, the premise is more fun, there’s definitely more energy to the characters and plot, and thankfully Nia DaCosta’s (Little Woods, Candyman 2021) direction embraces the fact this is a very simple and silly tale, and boy do i appreciate when these movies can actually play it simple.

Shame the villain, while making sense for this type of story, it’s kind of a forgettable tragic kind of foe, and the resolution seems kinda underwhelming, but i did enjoy it a lot more than the first one, also because it’s under 2 hours for a change, though once again the “cat-like creature” is arguably the best damn thing in this franchise.

Decent fun.

[EXPRESSO] The Expendables 4 (2023) | Crank 3: High Hospice

You know, when the first Expendables movie release, it was a fun little idea: let’s make an all stars action B-movie that’s a tongue-in-cheek throwback to 90s action cinema, with all the big name actors from that era and the modern ones, spouting one liners over huge explosions and so on.

Now it’s more of a coffin race for most of the actors… or so it would be if most of the people that were supposed to be in or back into… didn’t make the cut in Expendables 4, the plot of which barely matters even discussing, but it has something to do with a Gheddaffi old chemical plant, a nuke, a mole, and the team avenging the death of their leader, Barney.

Meaning one of the franchise’ selling points is borked to hell right away, but then again this the boring kind of trashy movie, as any energy or committment to the formula is gone, with the actors seemingly embarassed of delivering the awful dialogue, and quarter-assing their way through this boring, uninspired rethread with all the cliches but devoid of anything that made the Expendables movies endearing… and also looking very cheap, with embarassing CGI for a 2023 big budget release marred to subpar choreography.

Also, in what it’s mostly an obvious tactic to pass the torch to Staham for sequels, Stallone is barely in the movie, with Staham’s character as the focus, making in another vehicle for the actor…. which makes some “sense” since the climax is basically the same as The Meg 2 (it really is), also with Staham and released this year, coincidence or not.

Some fresh utter trash, that’s also sadly a mostly boring affair, a worthless, joyless relic for this day and age, filled with new, better and already iconic modern action franchises.

[EXPRESSO] El Conde (2023) | Pinochet The Dirty Old Man

Pablo Larrain, after years of historical biopic dramas about his home country of Chile, he finally tackles Pinochet…. by reinventing him as a vampire that has lived on since the French Revolution, faked his death many times, and most famously established a dictatorial bloody regime.

But after 250 plus years of undeath, he just wants to die, and this causes the vultures to come, in the form of Pinochet’s mortal sons, hungry for more blood money to inherit, and an exorcist nun is also sent in by the Church to kill the monster… and see if he drops some fat cash, too.

We’ve seen the vampire comedy format used to tackle various themes, and there’s definitely potential in making Pinochet a literal horror monster to comment on his legacy and the political troubles of modern Chilean society, in how the past keeps repeating and evil finds a way, and indeed the satire is relentless… but the comedy is surprisingly scarce, mostly stemming from excess cruelty via dialogue more than graphic content (gore is far from missing, btw).

Even that feels like breadcrumbs, for a 2 hours runtime with a geriatric pacing, fitting, perhaps, but it’s really not that funny, the narration is ironically lacking proper bite, and the elements of horror, history and humour do not so much gel together as are just placed there, neglected of proper growth more than balanced against each other.

The black and white photography it’s excellent, acting it’s good, it has some great golden age horror atmosphere at times, but El Conde ultimately just feels stuffy, too slow and bloated for its own good, and despite all the pretense, there’s not much under the gothic capery to gawk at.

Interesting experiment, but a disappointing one that’s also hard to sit through, to my dismay.

One Piece Pirate Warriors 4 – Additional Episode 1 “Yamato’s Adventure” PS4 [DLC REVIEW]

I initially misread that Namco/Koei planned to release all the 3 episodes in the pack by the end of September 2023…. but it’s actually September 2024, so instead of reviewing all the episodes packs at once, i will do mini-reviews for each of them as most likely they’re gonna accompany the release of the other 2 DLC Character Packs.

I will also release a “review addendum” after the Character Pass 2 and all the additional episodes release, because as Namco made a new bundle for the game and all (available and announced) DLC called “Ultimate Edition”, so it’s fairly logical to guess they don’t plan to do more with Pirate Warriors 4, for better or worse.

Regardless, these episodes are surprisingly cheap, with the Yamato one here costing 3 bucks on its own, and the complete pack of 3 episodes going for 7 bucks.

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Pinocchi-O-Rama #9: The Adventures Of Buratino (1975)

For this month’s issue of Pinocchi-O-Rama, we’re going back to a “combo mix” of sorts.

We’ve seen live action adaptations, we’ve seen adaptations of the russian version of the novel, The Adventures Of Buratino/The Golden Key, we’ve seen musical adaptations.

So yeah, time to squish them all together for this 1975’s forgotten cult classic Soviet live action children musical TV movie adaptation of Buratino/Pinocchio shenanigans, made by Belarusfilm and released as a 2-parter, because media trends are cyclical after all.

Thankfully there’s no waiting for the climax as it’s almost a 50 yo adaptation, a fairly obscure one that thankfully can be found with hardcoded english subtitles on Youtube (fittingly spit in 2 parts, as well), and at the time of posting still is.

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One Piece (Netflix’s) (2023) [REVIEW] | You’re My Treasure Box

It’s time.

I’ve been meaning to talk about this thing since we saw the first trailer (ok, let’s be honest, the announcement of this being greenlit), but i mostly held off because i didn’t want to speculate much but just actually watch the show and then judge it accordingly to what it actually is and NOT what it might or might not turn out to be, as much pontificating on widely distributed promotional material is the bread and butter of this job here, especially when you have to appease the “content God”.

And since we’re being more upfront than usual, yes, i was preparing me own buckets of tar and feathers, even as the trailers close to release did make one wonder if maybe this time we don’t have a huge manga-to-live action stinker, i mean, it comes from the same production studio that gave us the rightfully despised Cowboy Bebop live action shitwreck, let us not forget that.

The trust was not there, at least not for me, despite Oda being vocally supportive and letting it more than know this was not just a random gig he lazily supervised in terms of actual involvement, but that he indeed wanted this to happen for a long time and was excited about this thing, he really wanted for it to work.

I mean, after Franky’s timeskip design…and him helping rehabilitating colleagues (let alone his sensei Nobuhiro “Maybe A CP Ringmaster” Watsuki) of his that in a better world would not have returned with a new serialization on Jump.

Leaving THAT hornets’ nest aside, he was never gonna advocate against it, or something stupid like that, but i did question why he was so hyped about something everyone almost immediatly catalogued as a write-off thing that they’d bring up years later as a “that was weird” kind of story.

So at the very end of August the One Piece live action Netflix series was made available on the plaftorm, composed of eight 45 to 60 minutes long episodes composing the first season, which covers from the very beginning at Shells Town (with Foosha Village visited via flashbacks of young Luffy with Shanks and his crew) up to the conclusion of the Arlong Park arc.

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