Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse (2021) [REVIEW] | Sequelgeddon #sharksncrocspartdeux

I eventually had to find out this existed, because words like “sequels” don’t mean anything anymore, even more when we dwelve in the “homegrown/DIY” territory of the shark movies, where one name echoes through the vast oceans, Mark Polonia, and he stands atop of his carboard throne, commanding beasts of papermaciè and plastic (and whatever the budget can afford) to fend off the rare adventurers setting off in the desperate quest for the homegrown crown.

So powerful he is that only he can received the task of doing a sequel of a low budget shark movie he didn’t originally make, as Jurassic Shark was directed and produced by Brett Kelly, but that isn’t even the stranger thing about Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse.

That would be this one standing as the “official” sequel, as Brett Kelly also directed Raiders Of The Lost Shark, which was a surprise kind of sequel to Jurassic Shark, as i discussed when reviewing it.

But this one gets to have the Jurassic Shark name and slap a 2 on the end, for whatever reason, and so it kinda surprising the plot has anything to do with the first, as the oil company from the first movie (whom accidentally released the megalodon) is back and wanting to drill for oil of the coast of Cat Island (not that one), and its up to the workers of the oil rig – that accidentally discover the beast – to try and save what they can from its unfeeling jaws… And its amazing inflatable fin.

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L’Isola Degli Uomini Pesce (The Island Of The Fishmen) (1979) [REVIEW] | Dr. Moreau From The Deep

I guess fate does exist, because i randomly picked up at a local flea market a DVD copy of “L’Isola Degli Uomini Pesce” (translating to “The Island Of The Fishmen”, literally) for less than 3 bucks, figured i’d review that for a lark, only to find out this movie is actually known among fans of B-movies as “Screamers”, in its edited and reworked version handled by Roger Corman that cuts some footage, inserts a new opening and adds extra gore.

While also using false advertising in marketing with text claimining it’s about “people turned inside out”. This is an utter lie, because it also implies this is a horror film…. yes but it’s also a fantasy adventure flick that also pinches ideas from Island Of Dr. Moreau (and also reminding one of the Corman’s Humanoids From The Deep, for example) and uses horror cliches like a mad scientist creating a humanoid hybrid race of people, but it also has heavy adventure movie elements like the natives and the sunken civilizations and stuff.

So if you have memories on seeing this as “Screamers” on TV or VHS, sorry, we’re talking about the original, untouched italian version of “The Island Of The Fishmen”.

Also, i promise there are no One Piece jokes here, tempting as they were to make.

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Crocodile (1979) [REVIEW] | Thai Croc Jaws #sharksncrocspartdeux

Can’t get more basic than “Crocodile”, not “killer”, not “mutant”, nor “apocalypse”, just your plain old reptilian creature to not be confused with an alligator.

Which is arguably kind of a lie, since this is an obscure Thai monster movie that was made – in unison – “to ride Jaws’ coat-tail”. I don’t even do this on purpose, there’s that big a chance even killer croc movies somehow can be linked back to it, either due to the decade of their release or the basic plot structure and popularized cliches.

Often it’s both, as “Crocodile” was released just years after Jaws rocked the box office, AND the plot it’s virtually identical… or is it?

Not to be confused with a 1978’s Korean movie also with the international title of “Crocodile”, from which this 1979 Thai film is edited from… and by that i’d say it borrows some stock footage from the 1978 one, i don’t know to what extend, since i couldn’t find a copy of the 1978’s film, because i do believe these are two different – yet almost identical sounding – movies, not one and the same.

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Pikmin 4 DEMO NSWITCH [HANDS-ON] | The Dog Doing

so Nintendo just released a demo for Pikmin 4, coming at the end of this very month, and given how long i’ve been waiting for another Pikmin game, i’ve got sumething to say about it, for sure.

The first big addition to the formula is the hugely marketed “pikdog”, as in now you have a dog.

That already it’s a good thing, but thankfully this one isn’t gonna suffer the same fate of the dog in Call Of Duty Ghosts (as in getting locked forever into the toybox after being used once), as it ismore than a gimmick, serving as a mount (which can carry many pikmins on his back too) enabling traversal via jumping, being able to smash obstacles, dash, dig, fight by tackling and biting, and can even be controlled directly, especially useful in underground caves that can your character and Pikmins separated by an obstacle Occin (the dog) can’t pass through.

Plus, as your rescue more stranded astronauts you get more upgrade points for the dog, which is just lovely and obviously pretty useful.

And the dog already it’s a great addition to gameplay, and feel natural like it had always been there, but obviously, there is more, in the way of new types of Pikmin, ice and luminescent, but the demo only lets you encounter and use the Ice Pikmins, which already offer another way around exploration, as they can be even used to freeze water surfaces, alongside enemies.

But there has been some streamlining, as in now there is just a big “onion/deposit” for all Pikmins despite of their colors, the 3 protagonists multitasking of Pikmin 3 is gone, and – the more controversial one – there is no limited number of days under which to accomplish the various tasks, which might sound terrible to some old time fans, but frankly i don’t get the issue, since Pikmin 3 already utilized a system that basically gave the player a lot of days to accomplish the various objectives, like a lot, especially if you went for completition.

So really, the removal of the limited days altogether it’s more vestigial than controversial, and i’m fine with it since the days themselves retain the limited time indicating how much you have left before it’s nightfall and you have to scurry back to camp in order to avoid getting your Pikmin eaten by the hungry beasts that are even more aggressive at night.

Hence even so you get some sense of urgency, as you wanna still get the most out of your day of gathering and exploring and rescuing, etc.

Regardless, the fan favourite caves to explore are back from Pikmin 2, and work more or less identically, but are also more abundant in the huge levels/areas, and now there is more emphasis on resource gathering, with these new gems that can be retrieved and converted in building material for bridges and the like, or used as currency to buy items and gadgets from the scientist/inventor, ranging to rotten carrots to paralyze enemies, dog treats, and stuff like fireproof abilitiees.

And these new additions gel without issue with the formula, nothing feels forced or there because there needs to be more shit in a sequel, regardless if it makes sense, no, thankfully Nintendo didn’t really fucked with the proven formula, but expanded it well.

The trailers revealed that indeed now we’ll be able to explore at night, but since the demo ends when you get a certain amount of the new energy resource, the Luminium, we’ll have to play the full release to find out.

Not that this is a small demo, it’s pretty sizeable, including the tutorial area and letting you play a big chunk of it, it’s one of those where you kinda forget you were actually playing a demo so you feel bamboozled by the game telling you “thanks for playing the demo up to where we meant you to play it”.

Speaking of which, by finishing the demo you’ll be able to unlock an Occin costume in Pikmin Bloom, alongside the expected ability to carry over the progress to the full game.

Yeah, as a longtime fan of the series, i’m honestly just chomping at the bit to have the full thing on my hands to play more of it, so yeah, check it out to get your fix on.

Robocroc (2013) [REVIEW] | Domo Wanigato #sharksncrocspartdeux

Police officer Murphy is shot down while confronting a criminal gang, but his body is found by a brood of crocodiles living in Detroit’s sewer system. They nurse him back to health, let him partake of their radioactive flesh, which helps him grow back the lost limbs, and eventually he reemerges into the public eye as the hybrid man-croc vigilante Robocroc.

This is NOT the plot of Robocroc, not that the actual one has anything to do with the movie spoofed in the title. It would took to much time and effort, and this is just not the way these post-Sharkenado low budget killer animal flicks do it. It must be stupid, but within the itsby bitsy budgets, which overtime seem to have gotten smaller and smaller, closer and closer to the “Polonia-sphere”.

So it also means this has more in common with Metal Gear Rising Revengeance than Robocop, as the plot involves a missile launch that goes awry, with the ejected part landing in a zoo, nanomachines coming out of it and into a female crocodile named Stella that happened to be nearby the capsule’s crash site, and these slowly turn her into a cyborg bent on eating his way through the special forces called into the enclosure, then escaping the facility to feed on random people fishing in a lagoon, stopping on dry land to feast on people guilty of driving quad bikes, and finally going for the big feast of a nearby aqua park full of teens partying.

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Future Shock: No Sleep From September (and Summer Plans) (UPDATED)

So, let’s not wait around more to lay out what’s coming in July and August for Wise Cafe International, and what will change from this September onwards.

July will have another round of killer croc AND killer sharks films, Sharks N Crocs Part Deux, alongside some timely videogame reviews to tie in with upcoming releases (aka – pardon me for the disgusting thing i’m about to say – trying to milk some “SEO juice” since this time i could plan ahead something reasonable).

August won’t have a One Piece retrospective per sè, but will have some One Piece videogames’ reviews, plus a newly written full lenght review of Film Red, and hopefully some fittingly summer themed posts about stuff that maritime or whatever.

From September instead – after thinking about it for months – i’ll have to slow down the posting significantly, so instead of a review or piece every 2 days, i opted for a weekly basis, since i will be taking a master’s degree this year, so yep, even less time on my hands since i will be hitting the books, attend and most likely still continue the dayjob.

So instead of shutting it down or opting for a “whenever i can” posting schedule, i feel this it’s a reasonable compromise, even more since i guarantee a review every 7 days, meaning there could be more if i can squeeze in some EXPRESSO reviews or something on the quick, i will try.

Meaning EXPRESSO won’t be retired, it never has been and that won’t change.

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Bringing Out The Serpents again for #snakesofjunetoo

Last June we did feature a lot of serpent based movies (often b-movies, that much is true), so we’re doing it again this year too, though on a smaller scale due to an increase of work and other personal obligations. Plus a surprisingly full summer release schedule of films coming out here (united with a nationwide promotion on ticket prices), so there will be a lot of EXPRESSO reviews…. yes, we’ll also review that one with the lead actors that keeps constantly getting arrested, because while i abhor him, i did watch and review movies where he was in before, like the theatherical cut of Justice League or the recently released (and reviewed) Dalìland, where he plays a very minor role, so much i didn’t notice he was in before watching the thing.

So yeah, it wouldn’t be quite correct of me to stop now, especially since i seriously doubt The Flash will do much in terms of box office, i mean, it’s not one of the more popular superheroes, it’s very well known and documented even between the less devoted audiences that Erza Miller is basically assaulting people on a whim at a noticeable rate, both Black Adam and Shazam 2 weren’t well regarded or even that lucrative (though i did rate Fury Of The Gods higher than most, personally), and remember, this movie also exists to completely reset the mess of the DC Extended Universe, so they can start again with Gunn at the helm.

Plus, honestly the movie looks kinda ass, and it’s undeniable this is NOT a project the studios really believes in, otherwise they wouldn’t have advertised it by dangling the return of Michael Keaton as Batman in trailers, like bait. And that’s some good bait.

Again, i don’t blame people opting out of seeing The Flash because of Erza Miller, or regardless of him, you do you. I kinda have to, to a certain degree.

12 Hours Into The Legend Of Zelda: Tears Of The Kingdom

I expected many things, but i wasn’t quite ready to get the sequel to Breath Of The Wild and see that the development team actually “pulled a Nuts & Bolts”, but actually do it in a way that doesn’t leave disappoiment and bewildered fans.

Mostly because Tears Of The Kingdom doesn’t completely goes away with almost everything from the previous movies (and its open worlds/spaces have actual shit to do in it, instead of meaningless wandering for few collectables in oversized dromes), retaining pretty much the same basic gameplay seen in Breath Of The Wild, from attacking, the stamina management for climbing, running, flying, item collecting, having to deal with freezing cold or scorching hot enviroments, Sacraries acting as both mini-dungeons and fast-travel locations where to collect orbs in order to power up life or stamina, tower that need to be actived to scan the area you’re in, etc.

And of course the weapons are made of biscuit crumbs, which is both worse and better, as now there’s is a real, honest-to-god story justification for Hyrule’s metal weapons having becoming corroded (which is fuckin hilarious in a way)… BUT at least now you can find more resistent variant of the weapons, the last strike that would seen the weapon break always deals a critical hit damage, and one of the new abilities is also there to help, as it lets you combine weapons with items to strenghten them or create weird ass weaponry.

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[EXPRESSO] Beau Is Afraid (2023) | Rightfully So

The new movie from Hereditary and Midsommar director Ari Aster, and what do you know, it’s indeed quite the intriguing piece of cinema.

Heck, i’d go further and say this one is quite the experience, and definitely something you’ve never seen before, not this way or with this imagery or themes, as Aster goes fuckin insane by delivering a surreal kafkian odyssey out of a very simple and – on its face – thin premise: a man named Beau (Joaquin Phoenix) with a troubled relationship with his mother is set to do his yearly visit home for the anniversary of his father’s death.

Then he learns of her dying in a horrible accident too and scrambles, shame he lives in what could be classified as “Kafkian suburban slums”, with naked murderers, tattooed man with black reptilian eyes, and crazied hobos.

Not that the world outside it’s better, as Beau is trapped in an eternal super short-circuit of grotesque weirdos accusing, manipulating or threatening him in ways meant to fuel the Kafkian uroborous, as Beau it’s guilt tripped into everything by everyone, while he stews in the “damned if i do, damned if i don’t” miserable state of existence, getting involved in weirder and increasingly surreal scenarios as his adventure unfolds from just him wanting to come back home.

It’s all so absurdly grotesque, preposterous and outlandish in the peak of weirds the movie reaches, definitely making you wanna see what the hell could ever happen next, but even with Joaquin Phoenix being incredible as usual, the deliberate slow pace and excess of…. well, everything, those take a toll on the movie, which ends up feeling too long and repetitive.

But still, even flawed as it is, Beau Is Afraid remains a movie that has to be seen to be believed.

[EXPRESSO] 65 (2023) | Adam Driver VS Space Dinosaurs

It’s Adam “Kylo” Driver versus dinosaurs in a prehistoric Earth for one of the worse movie titles i’ve seen in a while, even ignoring how it undermines completely the marketing push of being “the sci fi movie where Adam Driver crashlands into a primal planet that has dinosaurs”, and it’s not the kind of movie that can afford the lackluster exposure it has got before release.

Seriously, it’s not surprising to see some countries like Italy adding subtitles like “Escape From Earth”, because it begs for anything to help described what it’s about, since its way too simple to even get across the title “65” implying dinosaurs because of the extinction event that happened on our planet 65 million years ago. Some seriously boneheaded marketing choices here.

Not that we have a masterpiece whose wings were Icarus’d too soon, but one wonders if Sony wanted this to fail, or why, since i can assure you there’s an audience for big budget dinosaur films, especially sci-fi ones, even more after years of no budget offerings and disappointing JW sequels.

Plot it’s pretty straighforward, about a pilot of a spaceship that’s forced to crashland on an alien planet…. which happens to be Earth, in its primeval, dinosaur dwelling days, so he and the only other survivor of the crash, a little girl, have to locate an emergency pod to leave the planet before they get eaten by the wildlife, or worse, as a storm of massive meteorites it’s coming down..

Dinosaurs look pretty good, there are some effective jumpscares, there’s a solid atmosphere of danger, and the good performances help sell what are somewhat generic characters (equipped with fairly stock motivations and tragic backstories) and a predictable, yet satisfying plot, all packaged in a fairly succint 90 minutes runtime.

Pretty decent overall.