[EXPRESSO] Napoli New York (2024) | Once Upon A Gabagool

Context: this is a December 2024 release in Italy based on a script written by Fellini long before he became a director, adapted by a modern and fairly well regarded italian director, Gabriele Salvatores, whom, instead of a neorealist picture, opted for the tone of fairytale, of fable, while indeed tackling a sensitive period in italian history, depicting a ruined post-WWII Naples were the misery set back in after the american troops returned home, with two orphaned street-smart children, Carmine and Celestina, struggling to make any money or food by any means.

The two then basically decide – after getting duped – to secretly sneak aboard the only american ship anchored nearby, as Celestina’s older sister did leave for NY years ago….

It’s the ol’ tale of Italian immigration in the US during the 40/50s, focusing on Neapolitan immigrants specifically, which tackles the expected themes… but it does so with a strange, uneasy and uncovincing middle ground, as it clearly opts to be this uplifting, optimistic Christmas fairytale, skewing most realism…but also doesn’t quite fits the “magical realism” tone, as its built and based on the perceptions America had/has about around italian cinema of old (and Italy to a point), while also lacking the actual complexity that would have still made possible by the “fable” angle.

The cast is actually amazing, but these aren’t characters, there are balls of stereotypes, some true, but here not even vaguely discussed, challenged, this is the “40s America present Paisà as a puppet theathre play for tots” level of nuance, but resented a comforting fact, because despite the lavish modern production, this film’s soul is old (ancient, even), deliberately so to a point where it hurts it.

And yet, in a way, it’s too italian for its own good, if that makes any sense.

[EXPRESSO] Red One (2024) | Christmas In Wakanda Pole

The Rock is back, as Santa’s bodyguard in Red One, which comes out in mid-November because fuck it, you’re already thinking of Christmas anyway.

One Red goes for the “Santa Is Real” school of phylosophy, but actually adds something as Santa is real and powerful as the legend says, as true as the various mythical creatures related to his figures, often working for/with him in a hidden Wakanda-esque city-factory, where they prepare all year so on Christmas they can actually deliver children worlwide their gifts in one night, using magic and top-tier technology to be unseen and unheard. This time however a legendary hacker manages to find a flaw in their security, which leads to a mysterious figure kidnapping ol’ Nick.

So its up to The Rock (as Santa’s grand general) to find out who’s responsible, alongside the same hacker that unknowingly helped kidnap Santa, and a gauntlet thingie that gives him bootleg Ant Man powers, because why not, it makes for some fun (albeit not original) ideas and visuals.

As expected, this is yet another one of those that could simply be called “The Rock/Dwayne Johnson movies”, as it features everything you’d associate with the actor and his filmography, so it has monsters, fantasy stuff, action, comedy, The Rock having “legal plot armor”, all in a family friendly package, even more as this one it’s a christmas film, so JK Simmons can’t reprimand Mark Grayson or insult Peter Parker.

The final battle is a bit of an anticlimactic cop-out, but overall, this one of the better ones as of late, far from turds like Black Adam but also definitely above middling and completely forgettable stuff like Red Notice, there’s definitely a bit more creativity and energy to be found in it, making for a decently entertaining action-comedy-fantasy Christmas romp.

Spy X Family: Code White (2023) | Alpine Capers

So, the Spy X Family movie, which feels kinda odd to see release in most territories (EU and english speaking ones) now in late April, as it debuted Dicember 2023 in japanese theathers, an and it’s very easy to notice it was meant as a winter/Christmas release, because of it taking place in a faux-Switzerland-esque city and the tone of a winter holiday vacation.

Not having watched further than Season 1, i was a bit worried to accidentally spoil myself, but this is a non-canonical original story…… that actually doesn’t even really need you to have watched Spy X Family at all, as it introduces the main characters and quickly explains the gist (which i won’t for time’s sake) anyway, you will miss some context for some side characters, but there’s nothing that you can’t catch on the fly by watching the movie.

The plot has the Forger family go into a vacation in the nearby alpine and Switzerland-esque town of Frigis in order to get the recipe for a cake that will make Anya pass the cooking exam at her prestigious school, in turn advancing her career and letting Lloyd get closer to the target of the secret operation he undertook and formed the family for.

But things go south when Anya accidentally gets imbroiled with the army and discovers their plan to undo the fragile peace between non-East Germany and non-West Germany…

It’s a fun time, but it could have been easily a 2 parts long special episode instead, very little feels “cinematic” until deep in the second act, but even in terms of animation quality there’s little (some brief dream sequences, mostly) that feels like this “needed” to be a movie.

Still quite cute and wholesome as is the series itself, but nothing really impressive either way.

Open Letter to Dino-Santa

hello Santa, it’s me, again.

“Again” to a certain extent, i haven’t written a letter to Santa since decades, so i’ll be brief and quick, he has to bring coal to Darkseid each year, and i have this year’s 12 Days Of Dino Dicember starting tomorrow.

I have been a reasonable boy this year, so henceforth i ask the following petty and first world requests:

-a new, proper 2D run and gun Metal Slug videogame that isn’t a mobile gacha spin-off or remake tied to a mobile platform stuffed with microtransactions up to tank’s exhaust, i love turn based tactical strategy games and Metal Slug Tactics is looking mighty good, but it’s still not got even a vague release date and updates are still MIA, so yeah, the new SNK could actually employ a studio to develop a proper console/pc mainline Metal Slug game. It’s been a while, more than enough to create demand.

Otherwise, i would settle for an actual outside of arcades releases of Dolphin Blue.

-Please do not let the new One Piece anime remake/series redo by Wit Studio be using AI art to avoid paying people the meager anime industry salaries, i don’t care if Oda is fascinated, i just hope he grows out of it, alongside the rehabiliting of his colleagues and teachers that did not deserve such a thing, since we’re asking.

we can’t be perfect, but we can avoid falling for every cheap ass scam that goes around.

-Speaking of which, can we reroll this economic system to one where i can afford a house and can actually retire instead of dying on the job?

Also, a new Gundam Musou would be very welcome.

That will do.

Regards.

Krampus Origins (2018) [REVIEW] | WW Krampus

I guess i really should review a Krampus movie that’s actually about the Krampus creature this year, and i’m fairly sure i didn’t watch this already under a different title, so it’ll do…fine, i hope.

During World War I, a group of American soldiers storm a German bunker, finding there a mysterious book that can summon the ancient evil of the Christmas Devil, the Krampus.

The men are killed in action, and the book is sent to the commanding officer’s widow, whom has just taken up the role of teacher at a Catholic orphanage. One of the orphans there gets a hold of the book and accidentally summons the Krampus, forcing them, the teacher, nuns and priest to face it.

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[EXPRESSO] Violent Night (2022) | Santa Hard

Tommy Wirkola is back after last year’s The Trip (available on Netflix) to the snow tinted realm of horror…. but not quite.

This time around he cooked up a christmas black comedy that has been described as “Die Hard but with Santa Claus instead of John McClain”… because it’s pretty much that, set in a rich family’s villa where a group of terrorists (with the leader played by John Leguizamo) lies in wait to get their hands on a big chunk of million money.

It just happens that by accident the real, factual Santa Claus finds himself in that very house when shit goes down, and decides to fight them to save the family, especially as the younger child earnestly believes in him, by way of some magic, a warhammer and a lot of gruesome violence.

Yeah, it isn’t strictly a horror movie, it’s definitely heavy on action and comedy as you would expect from this deliberate pastiche of Die Hard and christmas movie, but again, it’s a Tommy Wirkola film, so it doesn’t really matter that this isn’t a new installment of Dead Snow or a christmas slasher, because we also get to see Santa pile up a more than respectable bodycount, using everything from ornaments to shovel to woodchippers and even a warhammer (tied to his backstory/lore here)

Heck, for good measure there is a straight up Home Alone “trap scene” and even that provides a lot of gore effects played for laughs that will still make you go “OW”.

There’s also the “Bad Santa” angle to the main character, but not quite, since he IS real here, and otherwise the surprisingly decent emotional moments would lose any kind of weight.

Violent Night it’s a pastiche of familiar elements indeed, but it’s a bloody fun holiday romp, too.

[EXPRESSO] The Cuphead Show (Season Three) 2022 | Devilicious

I’m gonna be brutal and make it extra clear (in case you didn’t read the reviews of the two previous season/slices/cours): i’m kinda glad this is the end and i hope there’s not more of this to come.

Unsurprisingly so, the whole cliffhanger with Mugman dragged to literal hell by the Devil and Cuphead finding a way to rescue his brother is immediatly dealt with in the first episode, though at least it’s a longer opener to better make the Devil… basically Squidward. Even more than before.

After that we’re back to the usual episodic fair, but there are still some notable moments that also elicit some legit laughs even for the older audiences, and guess what, once again it’s due to the Devil being such a big pile of luciferian ham.

Just in time for some delightfully long christmas themed shenanigans, with a 30 minutes Devil-centric Christmas special that also happens to be the best episode, hands down.

Actually, to be fair, this season does involve the Devil more into the various episodes, might as well since his presence stopped being special, and he still the best character by far (alongside Porkrind and King Dice, of course).

As much i really forced myself through all of The Cuphead Show more for completition sake after season one, i can’t deny this show can still whip up some intriguing visuals and show off some nice editing and composition, alongside some decent jokes, not too bad for something that it’s aimed at kids and just isn’t interested in the amazing opportunity brought by its license…. to do anything that resembles the Cuphead “inspiration materials” aside from the looks.

It’s a Netflix style adaptation of a popular franchise/brand alright, but keeping all THAT in mind… it’s alright, it’s inoffensive. It sure is content.

Dino Dicember postponed yet again, 12 Days Of Dino Dicember will be back

I really didn’t want to make this post, but after i sat down and did some planning, i had to eventually come to the conclusion i won’t be able to make a full-sized Dino Dicember like i wanted, with daily reviews as it should be, and trying to force it with my increasingly busy work schedule will just drive me insane, hence unable to pull it off anyway.

Also, i hold off on posting this, but it would be worse if i “unleashed” this announcements in very late November.

But i also REALLY hate to do nothing dino related, so yep, 12 Days Of Dino Dicembers will be back, so bring your dinosaurs canonicals ready for some liturgical nonsense. Literally, in some cases.

In the meantime, please enjoy tomorrow’s EXPRESSO review of Black Panther: Wakanda Forever.

Snowmageddon (2011) [REVIEW] | Promise (NOT featuring Kohmi Hirose)

If you’re like me, you don’t need to be told that there is a deluge of disaster movies up on Amazon Prime Video, often looking so easy to review that makes you feel bad, so low hanging and free (as in, included with Prime, i’m not paying extra subscription) the fruits of this “tree” are.

So i often end up browsing, looking at the description, just adding to the watchlist and moving on, forgot i’ve even added them, etc.

This one does break the mold and managed to make me kinda intrigued, as the premise made Snowmageddon (E- for the title, btw, it could have been way more stupidier and tortured) sounded very fuckin stupid, cheesy but slightly different.

And it’s still fairly cold here, so before springtime hits proper let’s indulge in more icy TV trash, the review for the Uncharted movie it’s coming later, so please, join me in this mystical garbage dive.

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What is Christmas without an Ice Cream Bunny?

Think watching The Star Wars Holiday Special each year it’s not the hipster “christmas tradition” it was before? If so, i will propose something that’s also not new, as it has a cult following, but very very smaller in comparison, since it doesn’t have the Star Wars branding.

Santa and The Ice Cream Bunny.

If this didn’t trigger a PTSD-like reaction, i’m here to share my cursed knowledge upon you, because in a way this fits the Christmas period, and its deranged insanity.

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