The Spooktacular Eight #28: Suburban Sasquatch (2004)

Enough of Mark Polonia’s stuff, let’s go deeper into the homegrown cinema territory with a “classic” by David Wascavage, Suburban Sasquatch.

Sometimes you think you know a certain genre, then see shit like this or Fungicide that makes you realize, yes, we can go lower than an early Polonia Bros direct-to-video film made in the late 90s, there is a 10^th circle of movie hell… or heaven, depending on whom you ask.

If you ever wondered what those Donald Trump VS Bigfoot VS Nazi Shark fuckin movies would have looked like if they were made in the 90s, and were somehow worse than Curse Of Bigfoot… well, wonder no more, because while this was made in 2004, it looks like the first Feeders film or something like that, it’s that territory of shooting your own shit with pocket change (and some “locally sourced” weed as stand-in for salaries) as budget, with your friends as “actors” and location shooting meaning you most likely recorded the footage (“filmed” is too strong of a word) somewhere in some woods or field near your home, or inside a friends’ house.

This is HIGH amateur hour stuff, my fellows bad movie buffs, so amateur it hurts.

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[EXPRESSO] HIM (2025) | They Forgot That I Am

If Opus cemented my belief the “eat the rich”-”social horror” strain of horror has been overdone to death … HIM is just further, further proof.

To be fair, it’s not that the idea of a horror movie set in the “american football/rugby” biz about its status of unofficial national religion is bad in itself.

The concept has potential, but the movie doesn’t explore anything, and i mentioned Opus, because it’s basically the same plot, just substitute the music biz and the “Not-Jamestown” commune led by old popstar with a brutalist football dungeon governated by an aging, nearly retired legendary NFL quarterback, Isaiah White giving a second chance to Cameron “Cam” Cade, an aspiring quarterback suffering from head trauma that could jeopardize its entire career, so Cam accepts do to a special training in the isolated facility led by Isaiah….

Like Opus, the entire thing is thinly held together by its lead actor performance, in this case Marlon Wayans playing Isaiah… or would, despite Wayans’ great performance this time i feel it’s not enough to suffice, especially with his character mostly devoid of a personality, and the entire thing being too obvious, downright spelt out as the movie it’s too afraid you won’t get some of the more obvious symbolism ever displayed, all the themes sanded down to be as broad and generic as possible, meaning nothing as the movie confuses parroting an arthouse modern “social horror” aesthetic for actual substance, since it has none, it’s all “pigskin deep”, talking about “no pain no gain” on and on yet unable to actually commit to its ideas.

While aware of its inherent silliness, it doesn’t know how to use that to enhance the horror, so it just amounts to a big ball of stupid, of well produced imagery that ultimately means nothing.

[EXPRESSO] Opus (2025) | Modesto, Cult Of The Damned

A horror movie where John Malkovich plays a 90s super popstar coming back after 20 years with a new album and inviting a clique of media personalities (and a young journalist willing to make her mark) for a special preview event on his very Jonestown looking comunity/cult…

It sound promising, but honestly Opus it’s pretty frustrating, for the feature debut of Mark Antony Green shows clear ambition in wanting to tackle the modern theme of the “cult of celebrity”… but it does so quite badly, mostly rehashing stuff already done notably better before, for an uninspired popstar take on The Menu crossed with Midsommar, for example.

I’d complain it’s a thriller devoid of thrills as you know exactly that some culty shit is gonna go down… but it doesn’t really play like a thriller, going for a comedy angle of sorts that doesn’t quite work, as they don’t committ fully to that either. They do deliver a Chuck Norris joke (i kid you not), but mostly you’re left wondering how stupid are these people to not notice they’ve entered “Elton Jonestown”.

Aside from the main protagonist-final girl, whose actress seems unable to gel with the direction… but then again the film isn’t really sure what to do with itself, often contradicting its own set-ups for cheap sholc, the villain plans becoming increasingly stupider and the plot somehow even more senseless, making for a pretentious yet half baked, incredibly stupid mess.

What saves it from being as bad as Blink Twice is John Malkovic go full ham as the villain, basically “Elton Leto”, he commits perfectly that his performance alone makes it kinda worth a watch… but boy it’s a dud, frustratingly so, and maybe – MAYBE – a sign that this type of modern horror-thrillers its running on fumes. Just a bit.

[EXPRESSO] Home Education (2023) | Bone Flute Lullaby

I’ve discussed the stigma attached to modern italian horror movies before, but despite the fact there’s very little horror movies that get made and get some kind of theathrical release (or even a streaming one), despite those that manage to emerge being often pretty bad and/or confusingly disinterested in being horror movies to begin with… it’s worth giving them a shot, because sometimes you do get a movie like Home Education, written and directed by Andrea Niada.

The premise centers about a weird family living in the middle of the woods, with the father passing down/indoctrinating his family in his esoteric cultish beliefs, so much that when he dies, the daughter and mother preserve his body and perform a series of obscure rituals (including the daughter using a bone flute to search for her father’s soul) as they think that in doing so and believing, REALLY believing in them, the father will come back from the world of the dead.

The mother especially pushes these beliefs on her daughter, whom she home schools, but the friendship with a young metal head boy will make the daughter question everything that she was taught, proving to be a potential obstacle for the resurrection ritual….

It’s a creepy and far from banal premise that does not go where you’d think it will, it manages to feel constantly creepy, with a great atmosphere, some solid and stylized effects that “give away” this having some financial baking, as it’s well presented but actually manages to make the most out of a limited number of characters, few locations, that limited but “effective if used right” deal, which the movie nails, making you on edge and guessing up until the great ending.

A really damn good surprise, one worth watching if/when it gets distributed outside of Italy.

The Spooktacular Eight # 5: Land Of The Minotaur/The Devil’s Men (1976)

While Greek mythology is arguably the most overrepresented in media (followed closely by Norse mythology as one of the many “free idea buckets”), you don’t exactly think of horror when you think of Greek cinema, as the many monsters from that mythos often are more used in videogames.

But of course, there are exceptions, odd relics that surface when you start digging hard and long enough, and Land Of Minoutar does have the allure of starring Peter Cushing and Donald Pleasance, which is enough to have it featured here.

Even if this isn’t the first time the two beloved actors worked together, as The Flesh And The Fiends is from 1960.

And because this is a very obscure film, it has alternate titles, like just “Minotaur” and “The Devil’s Men”, the latter being used for its UK release, and my copy as well.

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Dino Dicember #21: Tammy And The T-Rex (1994)

As pointed out in the Super Mario Bros The Movie review, the 90s had a fascination with anything dinosaur related, and this is definitely another testament to that, a more obscure – not that obscure – comedy horror film that’s still kinda unique, and became a cult sensation, enough to warrant a 2019 uncut, restored to 4K re-release on Blu-Ray.. only in the U.S. Yeah, there’s no cheap UK DVD release for this one, and apparently the italian VHS version is rare as hell… and i draw the line at collecting VHS tapes. I’m sorry, i have to draw the line somewhere, for my own sake.

And yes, that title screen is correct, since the uncut edition has the movie’s original title, “Tanny and the Teenage T-Rex”. Regardless of what title you see, it’s both explicit and incredibly vague, as in, would you expect a teen drama that turns into horror, with a mad scientist transplating the brain of Tammy’s deceased boyfriend into a robot dinosaur, whom then goes around killing Tammy’s jealous ex-boyfriend and his thugs, as they are responsable for his death? No you wouldn’t.

And i gotta admit, i’ve never heard a plot like this.

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[EXPRESSO] The Lodge (2019) | Ich Sect

The Lodge 2019 poster.jpg

After the tragic suicide of their mother, a couple of sibling is spending the weekend before Christmas in a mountain lodge with their new stepmother, whom they actively dislike (and kinda blame for their mother’s death, for reasons that are kinda spoiler). As thing between them seem to finally improve, strange events start affecting them, and the stepmother’s past as the only survivor of a cult mass suicide begins to surface…

Good atmosphere, good performances, but there’s also a reason if it felt similar to Goodnight Mommy, of course it does, it’s from the same directors, Veronica Franz and Severin Fiala, which in itself should be a glowing recommendation, but this simply isn’t as good, as – besides the slow pace – it feels more indecisive if to go the paranormal-possession or the paranoia-hallucination route, so it kinda takes time before unveiling the twist, which makes sense and brings some intense scenes, but it’s not particularly satisfying and can kinda be see coming.

Doesn’t help it’s edited in a way that i kinda expected the film to end a couple of times before the actual finale (not sure if good or kind of a cop-out), and the whole stepmother’s backstory about the religious cult doesn’t really make for original or particularly effective visuals (kinda cliched, actually), but it handles them better than regular movies about possessions and religious rituals. And still, it has its creepy and intense moments, the acting is quite good, it’s a more than decent horror thriller that it’s worth seeing, even if a better script would have been welcome.

And the – sadly – unfavorable comparison to Goodnight Mommy isn’t unfair, i fear it’s kinda unavoidable (for the previously mentioned reasons). Not exactly disappointing, but it’s a bit frustrating as you can see how it could have been better. 😦

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