[EXPRESSO] The Smashing Machine (2025) | Pet Rock

There is some hilarity in an A24 distributed sports drama starring Dwayne Johnson, not because he has hair this time (which is kinda absurd to see anyway), but since it’s an obvious attempt by the beloved wrestler-turned-actor to go for that Oscar cheddar, with a biopic directed by Benny Safdie (Good Time, Uncut Gems), costarring alongside Emily Blunt and playing a figure that Johnson would effortlessy seen as a reflection of his past career, in this case UFC fighter Mark Kerr.

That said, it does mean we get to see Johnson try more and go beyond the same persona he has kept for his film carreer, despite this being a very calcuted risk, but one i’d say pays off, as this biopic depicts Kerr’s rise to the higher ranks in the early days of MMA fighting, him struggling with his drug addiction, his obsession for victory and his troubled relationship with his girlfriend, as his first loss during the Japanese league send his world crashing down.

Structurally there’s nothing you haven’t seen before in a sports drama film, especially about combat sports, but it does retell Kerr story in a satisfying way, it doesn’t hold back but also makes a solid argument on how victory isn’t everything, or more specifically, that losing isn’t everything either, it just something bound to happen eventually, if it happens it’s fine.

I have to point out that apparently a lot of the film is more or less lifted (as in, even camera angles) from a documentary of the same name made back in 2002 apparently since i saw it mentioned but can’t say i’ve even heard of (or seen) that one before, and that seems to be case for most people, but even so i’d say The Smashing Machine is a good sports drama.

[EXPRESSO] HIM (2025) | They Forgot That I Am

If Opus cemented my belief the “eat the rich”-”social horror” strain of horror has been overdone to death … HIM is just further, further proof.

To be fair, it’s not that the idea of a horror movie set in the “american football/rugby” biz about its status of unofficial national religion is bad in itself.

The concept has potential, but the movie doesn’t explore anything, and i mentioned Opus, because it’s basically the same plot, just substitute the music biz and the “Not-Jamestown” commune led by old popstar with a brutalist football dungeon governated by an aging, nearly retired legendary NFL quarterback, Isaiah White giving a second chance to Cameron “Cam” Cade, an aspiring quarterback suffering from head trauma that could jeopardize its entire career, so Cam accepts do to a special training in the isolated facility led by Isaiah….

Like Opus, the entire thing is thinly held together by its lead actor performance, in this case Marlon Wayans playing Isaiah… or would, despite Wayans’ great performance this time i feel it’s not enough to suffice, especially with his character mostly devoid of a personality, and the entire thing being too obvious, downright spelt out as the movie it’s too afraid you won’t get some of the more obvious symbolism ever displayed, all the themes sanded down to be as broad and generic as possible, meaning nothing as the movie confuses parroting an arthouse modern “social horror” aesthetic for actual substance, since it has none, it’s all “pigskin deep”, talking about “no pain no gain” on and on yet unable to actually commit to its ideas.

While aware of its inherent silliness, it doesn’t know how to use that to enhance the horror, so it just amounts to a big ball of stupid, of well produced imagery that ultimately means nothing.

Mario Kart World NSWITCH 2 [REVIEW] | Open Kart Policy

So, yep, this review is a bit late, but given there was no communicated immediate plans for their “content roadmap”, i feel what i have to say now would have applied at launch and might apply despite future updates, but we’ll see about that, though i don’t plan to update the review as they add stuff either as part of DLC expansions or free software updates.

I mean, i also didn’t plan to keep reviewing Pirate Warriors 4 DLC as i did, so time will tell, but as of now they haven’t hinted or said anything about what they plan to do with the title in the future, so here we go.

That said, i did play a good chunk of the game at launch, then i came back after DK Bananza to dig into the “open world-free roam” mode, play some online matches occasionally, and trying to have the RNG grant me the other hidden characters like mah boi Fish Bone.

[EXPRESSO] Umamusume: Pretty Derby iOS | Equus Focus

Finally, the horsing can begin on global scale, with the worlwide release of Umamusume: Pretty Derby, the original smarthphone free-to-play game (though it launched here alongside the PC version on Steam) that launched this popular anime multimedia franchise.

The deal is “simple”: horse girls exists, inheriting funny names from famous racing horses of our real world, and they compete in specific footrace championships…. and since it’s a japanese anime multimedia niche franchise, they also do idol show performances, because why not?

It’s a “pretty derby”, after all.

The game itself it’s – fitting enough – basically an idol-athlete raising simulator, where you act as a Trainer and manage an Umamusume career, gameplay being a lot of micromanaging of the talent in order to have her prepared/fit to run and win races, with story and events (affected by the selection of support cards) playing out VN style, and specific set goals to achieve within the given amount of turns, otherwise you fail the career …though that will just happen, and it’s kinda necessary since you can pass down “legacy boosts” by selecting characters that already attempted (or completed) a career.

Suprisingly, the game doesn’t pester you into the gacha to have you favourite umasumume improve and eventually win, so it’s pretty generous, even though some of the characters…are just better, which will matter for the competitive scene long term, for now the PvP consists of a single asyncronous mode.

It looks pretty dang good, the soundtrack is great, the micromanaging is not too overcomplicated, the races themselves are actually pretty fun to watch, and it remains engaging even if the gameplay loop is repetitive and so are the way events/scenarios shuffle during the career/story, thanks to the fun characters and the well written mix of slice of life and sports drama.

[EXPRESSO] The Iron Claw (2023) | Dynasty Warriors

Wrestling films are nothing new, but sure as hell i’m more curious when we have A24 distribute a wrestling film, but aside from that initial marketing hook, there’s actually a fascinating tale here that i feel isn’t famous or overly familiar to most outside of the wrestling community, because i have a very passing interest in the thing and i didn’t know the story of this wrestling family at all.

The Iron Claw tells the story of the Von Eirich family, with the father Fritz gathering notoriety in Texas and adjacent wrestling leagues (his signature move being the titular “Iron Claw” head grab) in the early 80s, and him basically founding a wrestling dynasty, as he trains all his sons to be wrestlers themselves, subjecting them to a strict training all together, so one day the belt of world wrestling champion will fall in the hand of the family, and also to make them stronger, tougher, in the hope they don’t get hit by the so called “curse” that struck all the previous Von Eirich family members.

While it focuses mostly on the oldest surviving son, Kevin (Zac Efron), the movie tells of the family ascension through the ranks of the violently competitive business of professional wrestling, the behind the scenes side of the sport in its pre-corporate era, its victories and the human toll that the father’s quest for his wrestling dynasty demands, due to his constant pushing for supremacy at all costs that he allegedly did to avoid the very same tragedies that ultimately befall his children.

The cast (including a truly transformed Zac Efron) is nothing short of stellar, the performances amazing, and the emotional punch delivered by the emphasis on tragedy doesn’t preclude some positive light shining and breaking through the toxic deadlock of their “fate”.

[EXPRESSO] Space Jam: A New Legacy/New Legends (2021) | Look On My Works, Ye Great Mighty Poo

Let’s get this over with, even if it’s pointless to review, as it’s just a WB corporate flex.

I revisited the original Space Jam just before seeing this, it was a corporate vehicle emphasizing cross brand promotion, spectacle, and references over story, with the “hook” of real life celebrities acting a cliched “inspiring sports film” formula alongside animated characters.

But in retrospect it had some laughs and some self awareness NOT weaponized to just suck corporate cocks in a proud cynical fashion, all the time.

And yes, this is just a new one, a “stand-alone sequel”, make sense since it has been in development hell for 15 years.

It has the same basic premise, with a basketball game deciding the fate of a real life person and the cartoon characters he mets in a new world. Obviously this one swaps Michael Jordan for James LeBron, but also tries to up the ante and modernize it, setting it in a virtual WB-verse where an evil algorhythm-IA has trapped LeBron and his younger son Dom.

Problem is it also quadruples down on corporate bullshit, to the point it’s way longer than it needs just to have countless references using WB owned IPs. Not jokes, references. It also takes itself more seriously for no reason, and it’s often more embarassing and awkward than funny or fun.

This is an official feature length shitpost filled with memes and references (not so much jokes), and while the animation isn’t bad, it’s a stylistically spineless affair, even the older Space Jam had a consistent style to the mixing of live action and animation.

The original was a product of his time as much as this new one is, but even the 1996 movie it’s still better than this specimen of pure corporate public narcistic wanking.

Horrendous.

[EXPRESSO] Run Godzilla iOS | Tamakaiju

Toho plans to release not one, not two, but THREE Godzilla mobile games this year worlwide, and the first one is the already available Run Godzilla, which isn’t an endless runner (despite the title kinda implying it), but more a simulator-raising game where you take care of your very own kaiju in order to… make it run like a horse.

I’ve seen people describe it as basically Uma Musume but with kaijus instead of horse girls… and it’s not that far off. And by that i mean it’s basically a stat building game where you increase the stats of the monster before taking on races, where you can just tap a button to encourage the monster to go faster, but that’s about it, you don’t control the kaiju directly.

Strenghtening the monster is done via a typical idle game setup, as you juggle resources to have enough people praying for the monster to grow, extend the time they will stay in the group, pick up apples and gems to recruit more people, and change weather to influence the growth of a some stats over others. The kaiju itself has an “expiration date” which can’t be extended, but the following generation/monster will inherit some experience points, and the loop repeats.

It’s more complex to look at than to actually play, just a thing you’re supposed to tinker with on a somewhat regular base, as timers keep running regardless, so you might come back to find the your digital “pet kaiju” (one you don’t have to feed or “poopscoop”) already dead/expired.

It’s a thing to thinker with more than play, and while it’s very honest about it, outside of the initial novelty it’s hard to care for long if you have at least another free-to-play game/app you keep coming back to regularly.

One Piece: Take Aim! The Pirate Baseball King! (2004) [REVIEW] | Babe Ruth No Mi

One Piece Take Aim The Pirate Baseball King 2004.png

Director: unknown
Writer: unknown

The third featurette, and so far the last to be a theathrical short, as it played before the One Piece movie The Cursed Holy Sword, and like the previous featurettes, has bugger all to do with the subject of the movie. I would argue the movie itself has almost no business being a One Piece movie and seem like a rejected script for a completely different franchise….but this is not the place. Continua a leggere “One Piece: Take Aim! The Pirate Baseball King! (2004) [REVIEW] | Babe Ruth No Mi”

One Piece: Film Gold (Episode 0) (2016) [REVIEW]

One Piece Film Gold Episode 0 OVA 2016.png

Director: unknown
Writer: unknown

Going back to the case of a One Piece movie having more than one prologue or preamble, since Film Gold also had a TV special that tie into it, Heart Of Gold, but – as a memory jog – we’re just covering featurettes and OVA this time.

And this actually takes place after that special but before the events of Film Gold itself, like Film Z’s Glorious Island OVA it was also released on smarthphones, and it really doesn’t tie into the movie it’s supposed to, it’s just so happens that the Straw Hats are on their way to the Gran Tesoro ship-city. Continua a leggere “One Piece: Film Gold (Episode 0) (2016) [REVIEW]”

5 Headed Shark Attack (2017) [REVIEW] | Skipper Sharks

5 Headed Shark Attack 2017

Your assumption is correct, there is no 4-Headed Shark Attack, you’d think they skipped to 5 just to confuse people watching this junk, since this is the third movie in the “X-Headed Shark Attack” series, not the fourth. … but believe it or not there’s a reason for it. Kinda, as they basically already did the “4-headed shark” at the end of the previous one, in a mathematical sense.

Does it mattes? Of course no. You know it doesn’t, even if you did remember how the previous one ended. And in that case you’d ask why not skip directly to 6-Headed Shark Attack, but patience, we’ll get to that. Yes, there is a reason. Kinda. Continua a leggere “5 Headed Shark Attack (2017) [REVIEW] | Skipper Sharks”