Die Rezensionen In Florenz

As i read of the AV Club decision to not review The New Mutants, not because of any bias, but because the otherwise reasonable request to pay for a movie in theathers once for a critic…. it’s absurd and dangerous in the United States, were the pandemic is still in full swing, but theather chains still want to push big releases through or get people into seats by making tickets 75 cents (plus a decent probability of black death).

The AV Club has my utmost respect for this, indeed this is not a risk worth it, even for people willing to take it, this is actually a sensible decision. Potential COVID infection is not worth it for a review of any movie. Just isn’t.

So it feels incredibly odd to me that – by pure chance – i’ve already gone to theathers without any chance of death (then again, it’s kinda hard to say since yesterday i saw Gretel And Hansel in an otherwise completely empty movie theather room), and so this week i will just go, watch and then review Tenet, just because i happen to live in Italy and the actual circumstances of this means i probably won’t die

This isn’t gloating, this isn’t boasting (as i’ve basically done nothing to deserve it), this isn’t good ol schaudenfraude, it just seems so odd, so surreal to me that i will have a review out for The New Mutants (between a One Piece retrospective and a shark movie review) earlier than most foreign sites i use to keep up with global releases and stuff.

Just…. odd.

[EXPRESSO] Gretel And Hansel (2020) | Coming Of Mage

Gretel_&_Hansel_-_A_Grim_Fairy_Tale_theatrical_poster.jpeg

With this one i didn’t check any of the “discourse” or reviews from the american press beforehand, i just guessed it was a retelling of the Brothers Grimm’ fairytale focusing on Gretel’s viewpoint, and it’s not as gratuitous as it may seem at a glance, since Gretel is indeed the one to figure out the witch’s plan and ultimately kill the cannibal old hexe.

While many aspects of the story are changed or done away with as with the abandoning routine (among other things, but i’ll keep it spoiler free), the focal points are mostly kept, so we see the two siblings wandering in the woods in search of food and shelter, stumbing upon a house where a kind old woman treats the two to delicious banquets, gives them a place to stay at, and teaches them how to chop wood, how to treat illness, etc. Especially to Gretel, which might have the same epiphany as Ichigo Kurosaki…

It’s a horror retelling that leans even more into the supernatural elements, as to further enhance the absolute misery of medieval poverty, of sickness and dirt, and centers on Gretel mostly, basically turning the fable into a coming of age story, with magic, axes, great photography, amazing atmosphere, pretty good character and great acting. And as it’s the usual, any theme of feminist empowerment is made better by baskets of guts, with some grisly imagery that’s not overused.

The bigger issue would be the pacing…. i guess, Oz Perkin’s take on this fairytale it’s not a fast moving one, but it’s not that slow as other people seem to think it is, it’s exactly as long and fittingly paced as it needs to be, i feel. Then again, i saw people arguing this “actually” isn’t a horror movie (yes, yet again), so…..

expresso-icona

One Piece 3D: Trap Coaster (2011-2012) [REVIEW] | 3D Water Park Pirates

One Piece 3D Trap Coaster 2011-12.png

Director: unknown

Writer: unknown

Unlike the previous One Piece featurettes, shown alongside that year’s feature film of the series, Trap Coaster was – fittingly so- shown in water parks and the like as a limited “theathrical” release (as in i guess it was shown inside small locales repurposed as temporary cinemas, or something like that, i don’t really know) between December 1, 2011, and February 27, 2012.

Of course never re-released in any official capacity anywhere, so it’s no wonder it’s almost unknown even to One Piece fans, but internet exists, so you can find it subbed. Continua a leggere “One Piece 3D: Trap Coaster (2011-2012) [REVIEW] | 3D Water Park Pirates”

One Piece: Take Aim! The Pirate Baseball King! (2004) [REVIEW] | Babe Ruth No Mi

One Piece Take Aim The Pirate Baseball King 2004.png

Director: unknown
Writer: unknown

The third featurette, and so far the last to be a theathrical short, as it played before the One Piece movie The Cursed Holy Sword, and like the previous featurettes, has bugger all to do with the subject of the movie. I would argue the movie itself has almost no business being a One Piece movie and seem like a rejected script for a completely different franchise….but this is not the place. Continua a leggere “One Piece: Take Aim! The Pirate Baseball King! (2004) [REVIEW] | Babe Ruth No Mi”

One Piece: Dream Soccer King (2002) [REVIEW] | King Of Table Soccer

One Piece Dream Soccer King 2002.png

Director: unknown

Writer: unknown

The second featurette, another theatrical short, was shown before (and on the japanese DVD release was bundled with) the third One Piece movie, Chopper’s Kingdom in the Strange Animal Island.

And again, it was never officialy released outside of Japan, which is true for pretty much all the featurettes and theathrical shorts. Continua a leggere “One Piece: Dream Soccer King (2002) [REVIEW] | King Of Table Soccer”

[EXPRESSO] Onward (2020) | Dad Quest

Onward 2020 poster.jpg

Yeah, due to the COVID-19 lockdown, this was delayed… until theathers reopened yesterday in Italy, pretty much. For U.S. moviegoers, this will old hat, as the movie debutted there in march, but eh, what you gonna do?

After the fun but kinda pointless rethread of Toy Story 4, Pixar here treats us to a story about two brothers in a quest for an artifact to make their deceased father exist – completely, that is – for one more day, all set in a fantasy suburbia world of elfs, cyclops, goblins, station wagons, smarthphones and convenience stores, as technology advanced and made magic basically obselete over the millennia. Yes, still a better modernized fantasy world than Bright, let’s just get that out right away.

And there’s a token minor LGBT character (a cyclops cop), so token it’s made so by a single line, not bad or offensive, the character isn’t completely pointless to the plot, to be fair, it’s just….yeah, nothing to really brag about, given it’s ancillary status, but Pixar needed some social media icons for Pride Month, so…

That aside, it’s good mix of family drama and road movie, with some fun characters design, likeable characters (even if it’s another tale of getting over feelings of inadequacies, this time exploring brothers and fathers relationship), funny spins on fantasy and GDR clichès leading to some pretty good visual jokes, pacing is perfect, the moral becomes obvious but still feels earned (and the lesson at the end actually gels together with the themes), there’s even some action with swords and dragons and stuff.

Definitely a step up from Toy Story 4, and better than one would reasonably expect from Dan Scanlon, who previously directed that Cars supernatural-ish spin-off short…. and Monster University (the only review i still regret writing). Good one.

expresso-icona

One Piece: Jango’s Dance Carnival (2001) [REVIEW] Obey The Dance Commander

One Piece Jangos Dance Carnival 2001.png

Director: Daisuke Nishio
Writer: Hiroshi Hashimoto

The first One Piece featurette, shown alongside the theathrical release of the second One Piece movie, Clockwork Island Adventure, and never re-released outside of Japan (even thought it was included in the japanese DVD release of the movie, if the wikias are correct), for reasons that will become clear, outside of its 5 minutes runtime.

Like the title “implies”, it’s a mainly a musical number featuring Jango, the secondary antagonist in the Syrup Village arc, a pirate hypnotist with passion for dancing and a very minor character overall. The plot sees him seeking refuge in Mirror Ball Island (which is actually kinda canon, as he had a mini-arc told via chapter cover pages in the manga, the Jango Dance Paradise cover arc, like the one narrating what happens after Ener reaches the Moon), but he gets so into the island’sgroove he ends making a fuss and attracting Marines. Continua a leggere “One Piece: Jango’s Dance Carnival (2001) [REVIEW] Obey The Dance Commander”

Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?

Dangerous Waters Shark Attack AKA Spring Break Shark Attack 2005.png — **Yeah, not a clear edit. Good lord, at least have matching fonts.**

This is actually Spring Break Shark Attack, but sold on home video as Dangerous Water Shark Attack, like in the UK DVD version, which also sports a cover trying to imply a more grim tone to the titular shark attack, totally trojan horsing to the shark movie aficionados a movie with such a generic name, making them think this is The Reef.

Really, even Jersey Shore Shark Attack had more to it, even if it was due to mixing together (and unofficially) two different – yet perfectly compatibile – flavours of trash, this is exactly what it says on the tin, and one that must have required very little brainstorming. Shark movie. Spring break. Teens played by “not quite teen” actors. Bikinis. Send tweet. Send script. Print. Beautiful. Continua a leggere “Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?”

Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils

Mississippi River Sharks 2017.png

I’ve finally found a version with the original english voices (and in hindi, again), so time to review this one as well!

And it’s quite the shark dropping we have, because 1 minute in you’ve already seen the best part, it’s not even from the actual movie, it’s a clip from a fake in-movie shark series called Shark Bite, and this ties into the actual plot of the movie, with sharks attacking river boats in Mississippi and then disrupting a fish rodeo (possibly held by ol’ Jim Slater ) presented by the main lead of the fake Shark Bite movie series.

Continua a leggere “Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils”

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] |”Get out of my friggin pool!”

Jersey Shore Shark Attack 2012.png

Yeah, we got to the point of having reality show licenses for an otherwise random crap shark movie, but if Coronation Street got a videogame, MTV’s Jersey Shore can have a shark movie…. actually no, it’s not endorsed by MTV, for some reason, this is a perfect match in trash heaven, and it’s not like MTV it’s above stuff like this.

But it isn’t, so they couldn’t use the names or the nicknames from the show, but that means nothing to me. Due to cultural osmosis (mostly forced, but whatever) i know it’s like The Big Brother but even more trashy – somehow – and taking place in New Jersey, but all i knew about it was that there’s a girl called “Snooki” in it, and it’s a reality show… that’s it. Doesn’t help that most of the things i know about New Jersey (not much) i learned by watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

So i was fully expecting to see Carl show up, somehow, but it doesn’t happen. Continua a leggere “Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] |”Get out of my friggin pool!””