Krampusploitation is a-coming

This time i decided to make myself a present by not watching & reviewing another crappy krampus or christmas horror movie, so instead i’m reviewing (re-reviewing, i’ve done them for the italian blog years ago, but i’ve rewritten them from scratch) 4 Krampus themed/titled movies, all terrible.

If you wanna watch something good about the “Christmas Devil”, i recommend Rare Exports and Michael Dougherty’s Krampus, definitely not the ones you’re gonna see reviewed in the coming days.

And an Expresso review of Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker is coming next week, gonna get that done as soon as possible, i don’t particularly care, but it’s kinda an obligation, i feel, since i do what i do. Oh well.

Oneechanbara/Zombie Zone PS2 [REVIEW] | Blood Boobs Celebration

This 5th of december D3 Publisher has released Oneechanbara Origins, a remake of the first two Oneechanbara games, for PS4. In Japan, at least, but for the occasion i will review the original PS2 games, using their rare european releases, because of course i own them (why wouldn’t i?).

Let’s start with – what else – Oneechanbara, the first one, released in Europe as Zombie Zone, and for it’s upgraded version, The Oneechanpuru – The Onechan Special Chapter, released as Zombie Hunters in Europe (yet again). I will cover that in a separate article, when i can i find a working copy and i have some extra, extra cash. Continua a leggere “Oneechanbara/Zombie Zone PS2 [REVIEW] | Blood Boobs Celebration”

[EXPRESSO] Il Signor Diavolo (2019) | “Superstition, fear, and jealousy”

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To most of you in the english speaking regions, the name Pupi Avati most likely doesn’t ring a bell., but movie buffs may remember him as the director of The House With The Laughing Windows, and this movie (title translates to “Mr. Devil”, roughly, and came out a couple of days ago in Italy) marks its return to the horror genre since 1996’s The Mysterious Enchanter.

Set in the northern Italy of 1952, the movie follows a ministry inspector, Furiò (yes, with an “i”) Momentè, tasked to clean the reputation of the church regarding the murder of a teen, believed to be possessed by the locals, killed by a fourtheen year old boy named Carl. As he travels to Venice to investigate, he reads the reports of previous interrogatories with the boy, learning of how Carl and his friend Paul lived happily, until the arrival of Emilio, the deformed single heir of a powerful woman, and popular opinion is that he tore to pieces his own little sister.

Paul shows off and publicly humiliates Emilio, whom, angered, snarls at him with monstruous teeth, and weird things start happening in the archaic small town, still largely beholden to supersistion and a tangible, fearful belief in the Devil.

It’s an old school horror movie, in many ways (there some practical gore done by Sergio Stivaletti, better known for his work with Dario Argento), with a good atmosphere, and it’s intriguing to see the inspector wading through the files and trying to discern the truth, wrapped as it is in a shroud of confusion and beliefs borne from pious peasant minds prone to burn the witch, all serving a conflict of religious and political interests, with an ambiguous but satisfying outcome.

Quite good, despite the “slo-mo” effects being a little too “old school”.

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Godzilla PS4 [REVIEW] | King Of The Dumpsters

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Copy Purchased
Platform: PS4
Developed By: Natsume Atari
Players: 1 – 4 (online multiplayer only)

Yeah, the one that spawned the “Godzilla is approaching the generator!” meme, as popularized by “Angry” Joe Vargas.

And keeping that in mind, is worth noting that the obnoxiously repeated observation is also pointless, because you can check the “health” of the generator just by looking at how many of the spinnings parts of it are red and unmoving.

Just so you know this is shit from the start.

Bring your shovel, there’s a lot of whatsit to plow through. Continua a leggere “Godzilla PS4 [REVIEW] | King Of The Dumpsters”

[EXPRESSO] Pet Sematary (2019) | Truckin’ Dead

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I’m not familiar at all with Pet Sematary, be it the original book by Stephen King, or the 1989 movie adaptation (and his lesser known sequel, Pet Sematary Two), but there’s a new adaptation in theathers, so why not?

The premise is similar to the book (which was inspired by the famous The Monkey’s Paw story) or the previous movie incarnations, with a family that moves in their new country house, with a burial ground for pet animals – the titularly mispelled campo santo -located in the nearby woods. The house cat dies, and the father buries it in the “pet sematary”, which seems to hold a strange power, as their neighbour warns them of the ground being cursed…

I’m not gonna gonna point out differences between the book or the other movie, or say this is one of the better S. King adaptations, because i really can’t (i don’t count reading wikia as “having watched/read thing”), and you’re probably more familiar with the material than me anyway. I’m gonna say that the film is a bit frustrating to talk about, because the premise is intriguing, the tone is quite good, the acting and characterization too, i like that the entity is never overexplained (they say Wendigo at one point, but its got bugger all to do with the actual Wendigo from Algonquian folklore) but it’s a shame that the numerous attempts at jumpscares don’t really land.

And the pacing is slow, not particularly so, but enough to make the movie seem longer than it is, and the third act in contrast feels like it’s going fast, with some kinda silly sequences, which beg some explanation (or a better execution). I do like the ending, but i struggle to say that is “good”, quite close, but still not exactly there.

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[EXPRESSO] The Music Box/The Carillon (2018) | Seeming Is Believing

The Carillon- The Music Box 2018 italian poster

It would be really easy to just dismiss this movie at first glance, just going by the cliched title and poster showing the stock “creepy lil’ ghost girl” and selling it (at least here in Italy) as “the horror movie that has frightened milions of spectators”.

And in this specific case, your assumptions would be 100 % correct.

The same trite story of a haunted object, a child coming in contact with the evil spirit contained within, and her foster mother fighting to save her from the entity. It really IS as predictable and clichè as it sound, and the execution is majestically bland, boring, not helped at all by acting that’s mediocre, at the very best, which isn’t often.

Even when the script basically gives up in the third act and events stop making any sense, it’s still so predictable you don’t even get mad or react at the stupid ass “scares”, the filler scenes where characters are told the same stuff they already know just so this can reach 90 minutes, or the forced (and undeserved) happy ending. It’s just that kind of pathetic, pitiful bad horror movie.

All of this is “crowned” by an odd italian dub (it’s an italian production, filmed in english language, not as rare as it sounds, though) that feels like a mix of a 90’s italian dub of brazilian telenovelas (not a compliment) and a sit-com, which is even odder for the italian actors in the cast, and makes the whole thing harder to take serious. Even more with the quality of production and cinematography, not notably worst than usual, but low enough that doesn’t feel exactly like a movie, or add to the atmosphere.

And no, still, none of this makes the movie unintentionally funny, just sadder and more pathetic, for everyone (me included). 😦

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[EXPRESSO] Temple (2017) | The J-Horror Clichès Shitsoup

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(BTW, this ISN’T the horror movie review i alluded to, this is a freebie)

I already did this one in my italian blog, but it’s quite the fun movie….. to review, and nothing else.

Mind you, if you saw the poster, you may expect some level of quality, since it’s “from the writer of You’Re Next and Blair Witch (2016)”, Simon Barrett, but it doesn’t tell you it’s directed by Michael Barrett (maybe a relative?), a cinematographer.

I didn’t knew any of this when i stumbled across it through Netflix “horror” catalogue (never even heard of it before), and – ultimately – it doesn’t matter.

Temple proclaims to be a movie, but i have the feel the director went to Japan to stock up on Gunplas, and while he was here, he decided to throw together a bunch of j-horror cliches and call it a film, not that it actually matters if it takes place in Japan or not (even more since everything else is distinctly american).

The plot: a couple and a childhood friend of the gal (yeah, it’s uncomfortable) go to Japan because she wants to finish her thesis on occult sacred grounds or something, they find out of a temple that the locals avoid like the plague, go there, and they get attacked by something, who the fuck knows for sure.

And i mean it, since the movie, on top of scarcely reaching the 70 minutes mark (and being comatosely boring all the way), filled with “just woke up” performances, being stock beyond belief (even if tried it couldn’t be more trite), for its climax can’t decide between the “there actually were monsters” or the “dude allucinated and did the killings himself” endings, so it does both and none at the same time.

It’s quite impressive how much nothing is in this film.

Just worthless, pointless, even if you wanna watch a bad horror movie.

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A Star Is Born rapid thoughts and upcoming stuff

I don’t have the time to do even an Expresso review of A Star Is Born, so i’m just gonna say this: i didn’t knew it was a “remake” of an older movie (which i never heard about before), but i was favorably surprised, it’s really, really good. The last act was kinda slow, but still, i encourage you go see it in theathers (or catch it later on VOD, here in Italy premiered 3 days ago), even if you’re not big on this kind of story, because i sure as hell wasn’t.

That said, i have an Expresso review of something more proper for the month, and maybe something special, something extreme…

Yuuna And The Haunted Hot Springs (manga) VOL. 1 [REVIEW/FIRST IMPRESSIONS]

I don’t usually do “Volume 1” reviews of anything, so it’s more of a “first impressions” on the series, as i don’t plan to ever read the second volume.

Author: Tadahiro Miura

Publisher: Seven Seas Entertaiment

Note: the review is based on the italian edition (titled Ghost Inn- La Locanda Di Yuna, lit. “Ghost Inn – Yuna’s Tavern/Inn), published by Planet Manga

Also, the anime adaptation is streaming on Crunchyroll (for US viewers).

Well, i’ve never expected to say “gimme Monster Musume instead”, but here we are. Continua a leggere “Yuuna And The Haunted Hot Springs (manga) VOL. 1 [REVIEW/FIRST IMPRESSIONS]”

[EXPRESSO] Muse (2017) | Dry Paint?

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Samuel Salomon is a literature professor, that has taken a 1 year break from work since the tragic death of his wife. On top of the grief, he has a recurring nightmare of a woman being killed in a strange ritual, and eventually finds out that the woman in his nightmare has been found dead in the same exact circumstances.

He sneaks on the crime scene and there meets Rachel, a woman who also had the same identical nightmare day after day. The two set out to discover the identity of the mysterious victim, and in their research they learn of the Muses, the ancient deities of greek mithology that have been said to inspire artists since the beginning of mankind, and their dark secrets.

By the same director of (most of, anyway) the [REC] series, which doesn’t mean anything to me, since i never saw any movie from that series, or any movie directed by Jaume Balaguerò before this one.

And…. it’s ok. It has Christopher Lloyd, which is a plus (even though this means bugger all, since The Oogieloves could make the same exact claim), the subject is quite interesting (definitely more than Down A Dark Hall, which has more in common with this one than expected), the acting is quite good, the set design is nice, the horror mithology built around the actual myth of the Muses it’s not bad at all.

So, it sound like it could be a good one, but the execution just feels kinda flat, and in the third act the movie drops so many twist and revelations on the viewer that is kinda suffocating, they make sense (mostly), but it doesn’t change the lack of any sense of urgency, danger, or dread for most of the film. Which is a problem.

It’s alright.

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