[EXPRESSO] Night Swim (2024) | “Get Out Of My Friggin’ Pool!”

Based on a short film of the same name by director Bryce McGuire, Night Swim is the kind of horror film that actually speaks for itself very clearly since it’s what the trailer (kinda ) made it look like, as in it’s a movie about a haunted pool.

The premise sees a family move in to a new house as the father, a baseball star whose career got cut short by a degenerative illness, forcing him to an early retirement. Still secretly hoping to get back into the Major Leagues, he decides to clean up the pool as he thinks will be good for his rehab and be fun for his kids too, unaware of the house’ dark secrets……

It almost feels like an accidental american remake of a Japanese horror film from the 2000s, like someone by pure coincidence remade 2002’s Dark Water (again), or somewhere along those lines, despite not actually being that kind of movie, as the lore get explained it’s hard not to see it that way, because despite the stupid-ish sounding premise, something could have been done with it that’s not subpar, weak cluster of cliches.

Silly as “haunted pool” sounds-is, the water-centric scenario could have been used to some effect, and there’s effort to make it work as a serious horror film, but it doesn’t help that the result it’s something that makes you whip out your theasurus to avoid saying “it’s shallow/lukewarm”, despite it being that insipid and ineffective, with accidental “anti-jumpscares”, stock characters, the lack on any proper atmosphere, or anything that hasn’t already been done way better before.

It’s just “not enough” in any regard, while also being “too much”.

Vlad Love (2021) [REVIEW] | Oshii No Ko

You know an anime it’s gonna be special when Mamoru Oshii is directing and his own sales pitch fo r it is “you’ll see what an old man who doesn’t give any fucks can do” XD

Even more when he partners up with FLCL’s creator, for his first TV anime since his early days on working on Urutsei Yatsura and directing the series’ two feature films, meant to come out in 2020, but the project had some delays, and was eventually released during February of 2021 on Crunchyroll… well, half of it was released at once, in order to make a “broken heart” joke.

Actually, it’s more absurd i didn’t actually manage to review it at launch, but now the occasion-climate seem appropriate again, so let’s remedy to this and try to squeeze some “synergy juice” (or what’s left of it, since i was sick and had to delay this review).

I mean, he was clearly willing to get crazy and embrace its legacy in the most absurd – and memey – ways, like deciding to open the episodes with a mock version of the MGM logo sequence, of course replacing the lion with his beloved bassethound. XD He knows, but doesn’t care, love it.

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[EXPRESSO] Argylle (2024) | Spy Harder

Matthew Vaughn is back with that is essentially a Kingsman spin-off taking place in that universe/continuity with Argylle, which goes for the straight up spy comedy/parody with a premise that inevitably echoes Romancing The Stone, and by extent 2022’s The Lost City, but about spies.

Elly Conway is a successful writer of a spy series of novels titled Argylle, and while about to finish up the final chapter of her next book, she is approached by a real spy that reveals her books ended up mimicking too closely the machinations of a real life evil shadow mega-organization, forcing her to follow (with kitty in tow) the real life agent Argylle in order to escape the assassins sent after her.

There is more to this, and it’s a nice variation on this formula…. but i can’t deny at times it feels like an outright spoof done by accidents, as the twists keep coming to a degree that it almost feel like an actual joke (but ain’t) and the fun premise is ultimately weighted down by a convuluted plot and an overly long runtime. This really should have been 90 minutes.

It’s a bit too self-satisfied at times, especially in terms of meta jokes that aren’t too original or funny, the execution it’s far from lacking flaws, but i won’t deny the premise does give the formula some energy, the plot gets some needed mileage out of said premise, enought to keep you fairly entertained, with some fun performances, but it does suffer because often it weaponizes genre cliches unironically without actually improving on overdone tropes.

Despite all that, i’d say it’s still a decent time, but i do hope that the planned sequels (if they do come out after this “part 1” bombing so far at the box office) are better.

[EXPRESSO] Madame Web (2024) | Spider Vision

The new entry in Sony’s Spider Man Universe side of Marvel offerings, tackling the titural and lesser known – to mainstream audiences – figure of Madame Web, AKA Cassandra Web (Dakota Johnson), a woman working as a paramedic that awakens her powers of clairvoyance after a tragic incident, and will have to confront her mysterious past to help three young women unaware of being hunted down by a menacing “spider person”.

So, it’s not good, at all, i didn’t hate it or was let down, it’s at least inoffensive, as in, it’s hard to feel anything much from a movie that feels directed and acted in autopilot, the cast it’s good but the characters are shallow as hell and the movie’s overall light tone (fine in itself ) kinda backfires in making it hard to care about anything that happens.

Ignoring the fact its about a character intrisically linked to Spider Man, has “evil Spiderman” for its boring ass villain, yet it can’t/won’t even mention the Man-O’-Spiders, Madame Web is just a very unispired origin story that coasts on doing the bare minimum, one it could have been cut to 90 minutes, since it’s fairly repetitive, unengaging, looks cheap, and feels more like a set up for other films than anything, a movie set in 2003 that also perfectly feels like the kind of bad/subpar cinecomic that would have come out back then.

I was inclined on trying to “defend” it due to how harsh it’s being reviewed….. but sorry, this one IS pretty bad and lacks the trashy fun factor of the Venon movies or Morbius, with very little to like, feeling extremely throaway to boot, just “product” that makes futile even feeling angry about it.

Maybe the Kraven The Hunter movie coming out this summer will be better?

[EXPRESSO] The Iron Claw (2023) | Dynasty Warriors

Wrestling films are nothing new, but sure as hell i’m more curious when we have A24 distribute a wrestling film, but aside from that initial marketing hook, there’s actually a fascinating tale here that i feel isn’t famous or overly familiar to most outside of the wrestling community, because i have a very passing interest in the thing and i didn’t know the story of this wrestling family at all.

The Iron Claw tells the story of the Von Eirich family, with the father Fritz gathering notoriety in Texas and adjacent wrestling leagues (his signature move being the titular “Iron Claw” head grab) in the early 80s, and him basically founding a wrestling dynasty, as he trains all his sons to be wrestlers themselves, subjecting them to a strict training all together, so one day the belt of world wrestling champion will fall in the hand of the family, and also to make them stronger, tougher, in the hope they don’t get hit by the so called “curse” that struck all the previous Von Eirich family members.

While it focuses mostly on the oldest surviving son, Kevin (Zac Efron), the movie tells of the family ascension through the ranks of the violently competitive business of professional wrestling, the behind the scenes side of the sport in its pre-corporate era, its victories and the human toll that the father’s quest for his wrestling dynasty demands, due to his constant pushing for supremacy at all costs that he allegedly did to avoid the very same tragedies that ultimately befall his children.

The cast (including a truly transformed Zac Efron) is nothing short of stellar, the performances amazing, and the emotional punch delivered by the emphasis on tragedy doesn’t preclude some positive light shining and breaking through the toxic deadlock of their “fate”.

Cupid Down (With The Sickness TM)

Today i was supposed to have out the review for the Vlad Love anime series, but i haven’t been feeling well, i had some serious sleep deprivation shit to undo after a string of master degree-tier exams, so yep, that review is coming later (SEO juice be damned), there are some EXPRESSO reviews coming up (one later today) as i catch up as i can to the cinematic releases here.

Killer Condom AKA Kondom Der Grauens (1996) [REVIEW] | Squeeze Me Mackaroni

We’ve been a little too classy on here, so to balance things out and offer a tribute to Aphrodite by tackling one hell of horror schlock from the “i can’t actually believe it’s real” department.

One that goes straight for the… crotchular, i guess, though the novelty factor might be less impressive to younger generations, used to a plethora of “joke films” that honestly were better off as jokes than the actual movies that were made in the end (a lot involving sharks, obviously), but still, for the decade it was made it was pretty much conceptually absurd to even conceive, and would actually at best amounted to a joke made in early internet boards, maybe with a fake synapsis if the shitposter was feeling frisky and wanted to sell the joke proper.

But then again the Germans were always something else, and unbelievably this is also based on a book…. okay, it’s based on a couple of comic book by Ralph Konig, whom also wrote the screenplay for this film adaptation, directed by Martin Walz and released in the States by Troma, obviously they were gonna carry it in the US, and promote it with a giant fanged condom.

Also, has the killer condom special effects done by good ol’ Jorg Buttgeireit of Nekromantik and Der Todesking fame, just thid tidbit would have been enough to get me curious, honestly.

That, and how many comedy horror b-movies have the actual H. R. Giger as a creative consultant?

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[EXPRESSO] Poor Things (2023) | Lanthimos’ Frankenhooker

Yorghos Lanthimos’ latest movie, Poor Things, based on the novel of the same name by Alasdair Grayand (and presented during last year’s Venice Film Festival) has finally hit theathers here, and i’m overjoyed to say this might be my favourite film of his, and honestly even better than the previous one, The Favourite (har har), despite being very different.

As in this is Lanthimos basically reinventing Bride Of Frankenstein but as a modern progressive dramedy about the sexual liberation of the “Creature”, in this case Bella Baxter (Emma Stone), a woman resurrected through an unthordox experiment by the scarred and controversial scientist, Godwin Baxter (William Dafoe), whom hires a medical student to look after and document her learning process, as she has the mind of a child. As she gains more lexicon, more concepts and start seeing more of anything outside of Godwin’s house/laboratory, she eventually wants out and escapes with a suave and dissoluted lawyer, Duncan Webberburn (Mark Ruffallo), on a trip around the world.

A very odd world, because (aside from some of Godwin’s spliced animals that feel Burtonesque at a glance) this isn’t another hystorical setting, as the time period looks like it’s straight out Frankenstein (with many initial black-n-white sequences reinforcing that feeling), with horse-drawn carriages, the circular study halls to observe the autopsies, the overall fashion, but it’s also a very overlysatured retro-futuristic – almost steampunk- world.

Most importantly, it’s another amazing display of Lanthimos ability with comedy, brutal, relentless comedy, especially about sex more than horror as you might think, demonstrating any lack of restrain but alway a lot of wit to sell the absolute farce of these increansingly weirder situations, while knowing perfectly where to the let the drama of Bella’s situation sink in, all with fantastic performances by the stellar cast.

Terrific.

Dungeon Meshi/Dungeon Food/Delicious In Dungeon [ANIME FIRST IMPRESSIONS]

I feel like i’ve sang the praises of Ryoko Kui’s manga “Dungeon Meshi” before on these pages, but regardless, i’m gonna say it again, it’s one of the best goddamn manga series i’ve red in YEARS, it has a devoted following that just keeps growing, and i was super giddy to finally see the anime adaptation, even more as it’s handled by TRIGGER, peculiar choice of animation studio.

So here i am after watching the first 4 episodes (the series it’s streaming on Netflix), it’s more than enough to put down some first impressions.

But first, the premise, as the title clues you in but not completely.

In a high fantasy world, adventurers, merchants and all kinds of people are drawn to an unique, everchanging dungeon, and the protagonists party there finally manage to prep up and fight the elusive Red Dragon lurking in the inner depths of the dungeon.

They fumble it, and one of the magician, Falin, sacrifices herself to save the others, getting eaten by the dragon in the process. The party mostly dismantles, but the elf Marcille and the half-ling Chilchack remain alongside the paladin Laios, Falin’s brother, as he wants to head back into the dungeon immediatly and try to save Falin before she’s digested by the dragon.

Problem is, time is of the essence, so Laios improvizes a plan to avoid wasting precious time on gathering money for supplies and foodstuff: they’re gonna eat the monsters they defeat while exploring the dungeon. They are also joined by a peculiar dwarf living in the dungeon, Senshi, whom apparently has already experience in “monster cuisine”..

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[EXPRESSO] The Piper (2023) | Devil’s Trill Sonata

It is “evil Hamelin”?

Yes.

And yet people say i can’t do short reviews.

To be honest, this isn’t even that bad of a movie to deserve being summed up “evil Hamelin ghost’s revenge”…. yet it is that, it’s exactly that.

The plot sees a struggling musician strong-handed by her maestro into retrieving a music sheet from her mentor, as she was reluctant to finish the piece, a children’s concerto, even tried to get rid of it before her untimely and gruesome death.

She manages to steal the sheets to get ahead and provide for her semi-deaf daughter, but soon realizes her actions unleashed a sinister presence that starts influencing people, especially children…

It has decent-to-good production values, decent acting, it’s not completely boring, but it’s also utterly predictable, very run-of-the-mill in pretty much every aspect, from the characters, the motivations, even the lore that basically amounts to the usual reworking old folklore legends told to children in a horror context, so we have the entity as the Pied Piper of Hamelin, back for revenge… or something, you get the feeling they don’t show him too much in the movie because they didn’t actually know what to do him until the third act, and boy he does feel like a missed opportunity for a more refined antagonistic phantasm/entity.

Every now and then it has some decent or satisfying moments that avoid it slipping into sub-par slop, it helps that it’s fairly short, 90 minutes with a decent pacing, but for every positive there’s some bullshit that eventually brings it back to being incredibly average and easily forgettable/disposable, despite some effort that – again – doesn’t ultimately pays off in any significant way. The very definition of “nothing special”.

moral of the story: pay people when they do their fuckin job.