Ice Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] | Ammonia Sharks

This is actually a re-review, i covered Ice Sharks during 2019’s “shark month/week/whatever” but it was on the original, italian version of Wise Cafe, so it’s technically new and i want to give you a lil’ something while i try to juggle and write about 4 different anime series, none ending in late january.

And if anything, might as well do this now than in summer, there will be other shark movies to talk about when the time comes. Also because there are not many “Ice type” shark movies, thankfully this sub-trend never took much hold, so much i can’t think of many others like this, aside from Avalanche Sharks and 2012’s Snow Shark.

Then again, Ice Sharks is one of the more recent one, and alone should have tanked this niche-within-a-niche for good, and not necessarily because it’s the “worst one”.

Continua a leggere

Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020) [REVIEW] | Corporate Sharks

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Having reviewed Deep Blue Sea 2 in July, i was surprised to see another one pop up into existence a month ago. Thankfully, an UK DVD release also rapidly appeared a week ago, i imported it, so here we are.

While i was kinda disappointed with the second one, it was more due to that movie having to follow after the original Deep Blue Sea, still one of the best shark movies. By now it’s clear this is just another series of shark movies based around the idea of genetically enhanced sharks, with no continuity between them, and a budget far lower than the original, while still pretty high for most shark movie peddlers that play it low as possible as to cynically bottle the “so bad its good” lightning, by now pretty much non-existent as there is no difference between parody and shit. Continua a leggere “Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020) [REVIEW] | Corporate Sharks”

Die Rezensionen In Florenz

As i read of the AV Club decision to not review The New Mutants, not because of any bias, but because the otherwise reasonable request to pay for a movie in theathers once for a critic…. it’s absurd and dangerous in the United States, were the pandemic is still in full swing, but theather chains still want to push big releases through or get people into seats by making tickets 75 cents (plus a decent probability of black death).

The AV Club has my utmost respect for this, indeed this is not a risk worth it, even for people willing to take it, this is actually a sensible decision. Potential COVID infection is not worth it for a review of any movie. Just isn’t.

So it feels incredibly odd to me that – by pure chance – i’ve already gone to theathers without any chance of death (then again, it’s kinda hard to say since yesterday i saw Gretel And Hansel in an otherwise completely empty movie theather room), and so this week i will just go, watch and then review Tenet, just because i happen to live in Italy and the actual circumstances of this means i probably won’t die

This isn’t gloating, this isn’t boasting (as i’ve basically done nothing to deserve it), this isn’t good ol schaudenfraude, it just seems so odd, so surreal to me that i will have a review out for The New Mutants (between a One Piece retrospective and a shark movie review) earlier than most foreign sites i use to keep up with global releases and stuff.

Just…. odd.

Mega Shark in Malibu/Malibu Shark Attack (2009) [REVIEW] | Goblin Jaws

Mega Shark in Malibu AKA Malibu Shark Attack 2009.png

Like it’s so often the case, i got this one on DVD for cheap, and the UK DVD release tries to fool you into thinking that’s related to (or part of) the Mega Shark series by The Asylum, even putting “the legend returns…” in the box art.

It’s actually not, it’s just a random shark movie called Malibu Shark Attack, that also just happens to have been released in 2009 like the first Mega Shark movie, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, but by this logic, Black Dynamite and Dragon Ball Evolution also belong in the Dinocroc shared universe. This is actually part of the Maneater series, though calling it series it’s a stretch, they are cheap horror films produced by RHI Entertaiment for SYFY (usually debutting there and then going to video), yes, but they don’t even stick to the theme of “natural horror” anymore. Not that it really matters.

Doesn’t help that this release still keeps the alternative DVD title of “Mega Shark Of The Malibu” in the movie itself, but it wouldn’t be a genre film without at least 2 or 3 alternate titles, i guess. It’s one of the unwritten laws of b movies and such. Continua a leggere “Mega Shark in Malibu/Malibu Shark Attack (2009) [REVIEW] | Goblin Jaws”

Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils

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I’ve finally found a version with the original english voices (and in hindi, again), so time to review this one as well!

And it’s quite the shark dropping we have, because 1 minute in you’ve already seen the best part, it’s not even from the actual movie, it’s a clip from a fake in-movie shark series called Shark Bite, and this ties into the actual plot of the movie, with sharks attacking river boats in Mississippi and then disrupting a fish rodeo (possibly held by ol’ Jim Slater ) presented by the main lead of the fake Shark Bite movie series.

Continua a leggere “Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils”

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] |”Get out of my friggin pool!”

Jersey Shore Shark Attack 2012.png

Yeah, we got to the point of having reality show licenses for an otherwise random crap shark movie, but if Coronation Street got a videogame, MTV’s Jersey Shore can have a shark movie…. actually no, it’s not endorsed by MTV, for some reason, this is a perfect match in trash heaven, and it’s not like MTV it’s above stuff like this.

But it isn’t, so they couldn’t use the names or the nicknames from the show, but that means nothing to me. Due to cultural osmosis (mostly forced, but whatever) i know it’s like The Big Brother but even more trashy – somehow – and taking place in New Jersey, but all i knew about it was that there’s a girl called “Snooki” in it, and it’s a reality show… that’s it. Doesn’t help that most of the things i know about New Jersey (not much) i learned by watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

So i was fully expecting to see Carl show up, somehow, but it doesn’t happen. Continua a leggere “Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] |”Get out of my friggin pool!””

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002) [REVIEW] | Meme Sharks

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Yeah, reviewing the previous Shark Attack movies was just a formality of sorts, more for completition’s sake and to have an excuse to watch them.

This is the Shark Attack movie you knew and (apparently) loved, and it doesn’t need presentation for many internet denizens of a certain age, since it spawned some really legendary, popular memes on an internet where “meme” wasn’t a common term at all, and had clips do the rounds of forums and boards. Continua a leggere “Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002) [REVIEW] | Meme Sharks”

Shark Attack 2 (2000) [REVIEW] | Cape Town Sharks, GO!

Shark Attack 2 2000

While the first Shark Attack wasn’t exactly a prestigious production, at least it was deemed worthy to be released as a TV movie.

With the “sequel” they didn’t even bother to try and sell it to SYFY, and released it directly to home video, which is already a flag of sorts, but then again, the first one was quite bad and widely panned, so nobody was expecting Shark Attack 2 to carry the sins of the father and redeem the franchise on the Golgotha. Continua a leggere “Shark Attack 2 (2000) [REVIEW] | Cape Town Sharks, GO!”

Shark Attack (1999) [REVIEW] | Nu Sharks

Shark Attack 1999

It’s 1999. 2 months before Deep Blue Sea hits american theathers, another TV movie about sharks is released, to fairly negative reviews. Not that this will stop Shark Attack 2 and Shark Attack 3: Megaladon to happen the following years.

Continua a leggere “Shark Attack (1999) [REVIEW] | Nu Sharks”

Swamp Shark/Killer Shark (2011) [REVIEW] Bayou Boyah

Swamp Shark AKA Killer Shark 2011

Since i couldn’t find a copy of Mississippi River Sharks NOT dubbed in hindi (not offense, but i don’t understand a lick of it), i’m doing this one.

Never heard of it before, just randomly happened upon it while browsing Amazon Prime Video, under one of its alternative titles, the imaginative “Killer Shark”.
Compared to the choking hazard sharks, i guess. Continua a leggere “Swamp Shark/Killer Shark (2011) [REVIEW] Bayou Boyah”