[EXPRESSO] Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker (2019) | Let’s get this over with

Yeah, why not, let’s review this one and hopefully after some weeks “the discourse” on social media will have died, until a new trilogy is planned and we’ll all do this dance again.

So, i don’t particularly like or dislike Star Wars (like most peoples, i do like the simple idea of fairy tales in space with beam swords, weird looking aliens, magic, sci-fi and shit), but i’ll watch them, why not, and while i wasn’t feeling it with The Force Awakens, i got a new found appreciation for it, because at least it was a good repackaging/best of.

Now, this was gonna be a mess anyway, since J.J. Abrams for some reason wasn’t director and writer on all the trilogy, which brought us the quite good The Last Jedi, but also this, a movie that not only is far different from the one before, but basically tries to undo and retcon most of what was said there, like it has to “fix” many plot points in order to basically re-do Return of The Jedi.

Hell, they even bring Palpatine back, which is both good and bad, because it’s a tacit admission that they can’t do any better than reharsh the same old shit, without adding anything to it, in fact a notable regression, stuffed full of fanservice in a nakedly cynical bid to appease a fanbase that will never be appeased regardless, and with a script that’s embarassing, with plot points pulled out of the arse all over the place.

I mean, it’s still less boring than senate hearings of a galaxy far far away, yeah, but it’s a complete mess of a story, at least it’s the kind of bad that ‘s watchable and goes by relatively fast. MH.

Well, time to finally watch Parasite for me!

Oneechanbara 2 / Zombie Hunters 2 PS2 [REVIEW] | Exploitation Time Again

As promised, to celebrate the release of Oneechanbara Origins this 5th of December, here’s the review of the second Oneechanbara title, specifically the revision/upgrade The Oneechampon: The Onechan 2 Special Chapter, released in Europe as Zombie Hunters 2 (Zombie Hunters being the upgraded/revised version of the first Oneechanbara game), the vanilla version of Oneechanbara 2 never left Japan at all.

Yeah, once again, it was never released in the U.S., was released in PAL territories under a budget label, but there aren’t many copies around, so nowadays commands quite a lot of cash on the second hand market, not as rare and pricey as Kuon for PS2, but still, 60/70 bucks for this (i found it at a convention booth for 15 bucks, otherwise i wouldn’t have bothered) is a frigging lot, so much it’s a lot cheaper to just buy the japanese version. Or just emulate it, that’s an option. Continua a leggere “Oneechanbara 2 / Zombie Hunters 2 PS2 [REVIEW] | Exploitation Time Again”

Oneechanbara/Zombie Zone PS2 [REVIEW] | Blood Boobs Celebration

This 5th of december D3 Publisher has released Oneechanbara Origins, a remake of the first two Oneechanbara games, for PS4. In Japan, at least, but for the occasion i will review the original PS2 games, using their rare european releases, because of course i own them (why wouldn’t i?).

Let’s start with – what else – Oneechanbara, the first one, released in Europe as Zombie Zone, and for it’s upgraded version, The Oneechanpuru – The Onechan Special Chapter, released as Zombie Hunters in Europe (yet again). I will cover that in a separate article, when i can i find a working copy and i have some extra, extra cash. Continua a leggere “Oneechanbara/Zombie Zone PS2 [REVIEW] | Blood Boobs Celebration”

About that redesigned Sonic The Hedgehog…

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So yes, as announced after the huge (and in retrospect, highly predictable) backlash the original design shown in the first trailer, they scrapped that eldritch thing, and came back today with a new trailer, which shows some new scenes, and a new redesigned Sonic that’s a fuckton more pleasing to look at.

As i said before, i was kinda against this, for two reasons. Continua a leggere “About that redesigned Sonic The Hedgehog…”

[EXPRESSO] My Name Is Dolemite (2019) | Rat Soup

Time for me to get some use out my Netflix subscription, and this wasn’t gonna screen in Italy anyway.

Shame, because the idea of a biopic about Rudy Ray Moore, the comedian better known to film buffs as his character Dolemite, starring in the eponymous movie and the sequel The Human Tornado (and many others), is a great idea. Especially the first Dolemite is a legendary and beloved piece of blaxploitation cinema, one of the few films where the boom mic is visibly in the movie more than the villain, and with overall quality rivalled only by stuff like The Guy From Harlem.

Telling the story of Rudy Ray Moore, an aspiring 70s Los Angeles comedian that manages to finally find success with his alter-ego/character of Dolemite, a foul mouthed motherfucker in pimp attire, leading to do some comedy records, which brings him some fame and money, all risked to make a movie about the character, in spite of everyone’s advice and good ol’ common sense (like a 70’s black version of Ed Wood, in a way), but Rudy is not gonna have it any other way.

While it’s even better for film buffs that already knew of the story, it’s an amazing portrait of a man struggling to make his name known, to realize it’s dream, and his ambivalent relantioship to the Dolemite persona he doesn’t really identify with after all, but can’t also give up. And isn’t exactly a flattering portrait, but it shouldn’t be, and the script has a perfect balance of goofy and serious, with space for more somber (and not somber) self-reflection, but also to lovingly recreate ridiculous scenes from the first Dolemite movie, with a top notch cast (which includes Snoop Dogg/Lion), especially Eddie Murphy who is killing it as Rudy/Dolemite.

He ain’t lying.

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[EXPRESSO] Gemini Man (2019) | I, Will Smith

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Based on a 70’s tv series i have never seen (heard the name, but that’s it), this movie has spent his fair amount of time in development hell, it seems. But even if i didn’t made some research before watching, it still would seem like a movie from decades ago, defrosted now due to the technology permitting to have an actor and a young, de-aged version of same actor on screen and making them interact in a believable fashion.

The premise sees Henry Brogan (played by Will Smith) as one of the most talented snipers the US government ever, now wishing to retire. The news isn’t taken well so he’s framed by an old aquaintance of his, that in meantime carried on the Gemini project, and unleashes a younger and zealous version of Henry at him, when everything else fails. Henry (aided by an old friend and a D.E.A. agent that had the misfortune of knowing about him) so tries to stop his younger clone and to steer him away from his path…

Technically impressive, with some decent-good action scenes, themes fairly typical of Ang Lee’s cinema, the movie has a good – albeit not original and kinda retrò – premise, and you want to see it fulfilled… but it never truly does. Performances are mostly good, but the script really isn’t up to snuff, it too seems unearthed after a decade or two, with some minor upgrades (like drones), and it’s the big bad problem here.

Doesn’t help that the supporting characters are… definitely there in the scene with a purpose, the romance is fairly bland (inoffensive, but also dated), and the dialogue isn’t anything to write home either. Pity. 😦

At the very least, it’s miles, miles better (even as basic entertaiment value go) than Rambo V, so… It’s alright, kinda.

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[EXPRESSO] City Hunter: Private Eyes (2019) | 2019t Ol’ Comedy Hammers

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I wasn’t sure about reviewing this one.

I mean, ultimately i’m more familiar with Cinderella Boy than City Hunter (including it’s forgotten live action adaptation where Jackie Chan – also – plays Chun Li), i don’t have any real nostalgia, and i was surprised to learn Private Eyes it’s the fourth feature lenght for the series, the last in 29 years. Yeah, it’s been a while.

But why not, as here in Italy it’s the first of the new “anime for cinemas” batch?

In any case, you don’t need to know much (or anything really) about the series to watch this one. It’s an old fashioned action crime comedy, where we follow the oddjobs undertaken by private detective Ryo Saeba, the titular “City Hunter” (amazing shot and fighter, but an unpenitent and perpetually unsuccesfull perv) and her assistant Kaori Makimura (a tomboyish girl prone to punish Ryo’s perviness via classic anime comedy hammer), with some romance between them simmering in the back between cases.

Here, Ryo and Kaori are commissioned to protect Ai Shindo, a model who it’s being targeted for unknow purposes, which makes Kaori casually reunite with her childhood friend, almost unrecognizable as the CEO of the massive company Dominatech (yeah), and Ai’s father is involved…. Yeah, the plot isn’t really anything that needs further explanation, it’s fairly clichè, as is the villain, but it’s as good as needed for the main selling point of the movie: nostalgia.

It’s not a bad movie, at all, but besides some minor upgrades like drones (and the animation), it’s an 80s anime movie all the way, so much there’s a cameo from the Cat’s Eye protagonists. Which is fine, but the style of comedy is really, typical of the era whence City Hunter came from, and REALLY outdated.

Decent fun, still.

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[EXPRESSO] Stuber (2019) | Please 5 Star Me

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Here the floodgates have been lifted, so to say, and way too many movies came out last week in cinemas (hence why i missed Submergence by Wim Wenders, and why there won’t be an EXPRESSO review of it). I choose Stuber, mostly because of Bautista and Nanjani being in it, though the title is amusingly goofy enough.

Kumail Nanjani here is Stu, who alternates between his crappy job at a super store and his Uber career, trying to keep his star ratings up while having to deal with a douchy boss, the fickle variety of Uber customers, and an uncomfortable love-friend relationship with his crush. One day is called for an Uber drive by Dave Bautista (the character has a name, but who cares), playing a buff, grouchy and violent cop who is still obsessing over the death of his partner and wants to solve the case, stringing Stu along for his vendetta, who’d rather go to his lady friend/fuck buddy.

It’s a typical buddy comedy at heart, with two characters that couldn’t be more opposite to each other, forced to work together by the circumstances despite hating each other, that eventually develop a sense of camaraderie and mutual rispect, etc etc. There’s nothing new in this regard, and the characters are fairly stock, but deliberately so, with Kumail Nanjani and Dave Bautista doing the typical role you’d expect from them, the story is also clichè, but it’s done in a comfy way, not by making an half hassed parody of the genre, or a tribute, but just updating it for the “era” without misguided attempts to be subversive for no reason, or shame of being “just” a buddy comedy.

And ultimately, it’s really, really funny, great cast, fun script.

A fun crime comedy romp with Drax and Kumail Nanjani.

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Sand Sharks (2011) [REVIEW] | Shark On The Beach

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Tis the season.

If you are an avid shark moviegoer, it’s quite likely you heard of it, but then again, there are so many of these crappy B-movies around, it might have been lost between the Sharkenados, the Sharktopuses (a trilogy, so far) and the sharks that stack corpses to create dams like frigging beavers.

And because you didn’t ask, Zombeavers is also a thing.

Sand Sharks it another sterling exemplary of titulation, because it’s true, this time the sharks swim in the sand. How? In the paraphraresd words of the resident marine biologist “because they basically suck water out of the sand to survive”. ‘K. Continua a leggere “Sand Sharks (2011) [REVIEW] | Shark On The Beach”

[EXPRESSO] Demon’s Crystals PSN | In The Age Of Wonders..

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The story of Demon’s Crystals (related in half-assed text scrolls at the very beginning and end) is some evil monsters arrived and changed everyone into monsters, strange since you control half-dragon half human characters, but whatever, kill them all and reclaim your crystals back using magical guns, because it’s a twin stick shooter.

The hordes making up a stage will require you to collect a set number of crystals, kill a set number of enemies, or do both under the time limit, but besides that, it’s very typical of the genre. You get a good array of power ups with time limited usage, a very simple level up system (which makes you take and dish more damage) but there’s not loadout or any sort of customization or depth,

It would be a decent game of this genre, more on the “budget” side (not helped by the “halloween store” aesthetic), simple but fun, with a decent difficulty curve. Shame that the camera is a weird – and bad – compromise between isometric and “bird’s eye”, and in heated moments it becomes hard to tell which are your bullet or the enemy’s (when they don’t get accidentally camouflaged by the level), if you manage to see them coming at all, who knows what specific part of the stage will bother to block them.

This is especially noticeable during the few boss fights, especially the final one, which – on top of being cheap and frustrating – may obscure half the screen, when its routines don’t bug or glitch out.

When the game doesn’t randomly crash at the continue screen, which it loves to do – a LOT – at the final boss. Lovely.

You have local co-op, some competitive online modes and a survival mode, but… yeah, play Ruiner or anything by Housemarque, instead.

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