Bermuda Tentacles (2014) [REVIEW] | BDF BDF BDF BDF BDF BDF!

You work at The Asylum. SyFy has commissioned another movie, it is a day of the week.

You’re told no sharks, no tornadoes, no dragons, no spiders (giant or normal size) or any combination of these.

No, the monster can’t be made of lava, trapped at the bottom of the sea (being trapped under the sea floor counts) or from another dimension.

The note just says:

“the american president is in danger, after the Air Force One got hit by a tremendous thundestorm just over the The Bermuda Triangle. The _______ is sent in to retrieve the president, but a giant ____ emerges from the deep, potentially posing a threat to America and the world. You are a bad enough dude to save the president.”

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Eels For Meals

At episode 3, i can confirm Yuru Camp Season 2 is great, might even be better than the first one, uber comfy, supercute, so much it will heal your filthy soul. Bliss, comfy bliss.

Watch out for the sudden, detailed and unexpected eel “murder” sequence (not pictured here) before being served.

Oh, yes, also, Cells At Work BLACK anime tackled erection and gonorrhea, as you do.

Can’t wait for the new episode of EX-ARM and what new shades of utter incompetence will bring, i’m sure the full fight scene against the robo-maid (shown both in the episode preview and in the PV of the series, you know, that video that literally publicized the anime series by saying “brace yourself, other sci-fi anime series, here we come!”) will manage to be even worse than expected.

I hope i can bring you some new reviews in the coming week, we’ll see.

Ice Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] | Ammonia Sharks

This is actually a re-review, i covered Ice Sharks during 2019’s “shark month/week/whatever” but it was on the original, italian version of Wise Cafe, so it’s technically new and i want to give you a lil’ something while i try to juggle and write about 4 different anime series, none ending in late january.

And if anything, might as well do this now than in summer, there will be other shark movies to talk about when the time comes. Also because there are not many “Ice type” shark movies, thankfully this sub-trend never took much hold, so much i can’t think of many others like this, aside from Avalanche Sharks and 2012’s Snow Shark.

Then again, Ice Sharks is one of the more recent one, and alone should have tanked this niche-within-a-niche for good, and not necessarily because it’s the “worst one”.

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Happy New Year & The Small January 2021 Post Drought

I’m not exactly taking a break, so there will be articles, i actually plan to review 3 anime series that debut in January, one which is actually a huge favourite of mine, the others… a bit less, so i’ll mostly focus on watching those (taking notes and first impressions) and try to offer a review shortly after they end, as well as taking it a bit easier as to recover from Dino Dicember (and all the work that led up to that).

Of course, work is never over, so i’ll dedicate some time to tidy things up, update the EXPRESSO review catalogue, and offer a “complete review catalogue” page. By February thing should resume as usual.

For now, i’m gonna wish you a happy new year, despite everything, it’s still free to do so and you never know. 😉

Dino Dicember #29: Extinction: Jurassic Predators (2014)

I often joke or belittle the alternative titles these movie get for home video releases, but this time i feel the “Jurassic Predators” subtitle helps, since now people are gonna think more of the 2018 Netflix produced movie, not this 2014 release also titled “Extinction”. Then again, you might find this one under the other alternative title of “Jurassic Island”.

And while looking at the premise, i had to do a double take, like, didn’t i already review a movie with a nearly identical plot? And i kinda did, since it’s basically The Lost Dinosaurs/The Dinosaur Project, with a research team led by a professor or academic figure going into a jungle to protect endangered and vulnerable species, but after some kerfuffle the guides run away, the group eventually stumbles upon dinosaurs, and has to survive the unexpected peril.

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[EXPRESSO] Sly Spy/Secret Agent NSWDDL | Rolling Thunderball

Another Switch eShop sale on old arcade games from Data East (as part of the Johnny Turbo’s Arcade releases), another EXPRESSO review.

This time i picked up Sly Spy… never even heard of it before, but it look like it’s gonna be heavy on spy movie cliches and Bond references…for 2 bucks, sure,

And my intuition was spot on, alongside plenty of posters in the background, bearing titles or characters from other Data East games, like Karnov or Bad Dudes, there are plenty of Bond references in it. I was also right in guessing it being a fairly transparent Rolling Thunder rip-off, from the screenshots and description.

While it’s totally that, the game tries to disguise it a bit byt adding some variety, since it opens on a sky.-diving level, has a driving section on a bike with built-in machinegun and a couple of underwater levels where you harpoon sharks avoiding scuba enemies and mines.

The variety isn’t bad at all, but the main bulk is still on-foot levels and it’s basically Rolling Thunder, with a limited amount of ammo for the gun and the deliberate inability to just shoot upwards. Same sidescroller formula, plus the ability to shoot while jumping, use fists and kicks when you’re out of bullets, minus the ability to enter doors to replenish ammo. You can also fire a powerful golden gun-rifle when you get all pieces from fallen enemies.

And like Rolling Thunder, while there is some challenge involved, it’s way more about memorization of the often unfair level design through multiple quarters inserted into the machine and out of your pockets.

It’s alright, all things considered, but i don’t recommend spending more than 2 bucks on it, since it’s a very short experience from an era of design best left in the past.

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition NSWITCH [REVIEW]

This is like the 4^th time i review Hyrule Warriors overall (and the second i review the Definitive Edition), but it IS the first time in english, and it IS Hyrule Warriors, so….

Since i also wanted to review Age Of Calamity, might as well do the previous iteration of “Zelda Musou”, one that was conceived as most Dynasty Warriors crossovers with other IP are, as in this is just a spin-off where we have an original story made pretty much to have most character from said license/series/brand appear together and fight in a hack n slash manner through opposing armies, through the power of the usual convenient “dimensional portals”.

Still, even there Nintendo was involved in the project more than previous companies “crossing” their properties with Koei’s trademark style of hack n slash, even Team Ninja (which survived the Itagaki exodus better than Itagaki’s career) helped in the development alongside ol’ Omega Force.

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Dino Dicember #26: Aztec Rex / Tyrannosaurus Azteca (2007)

Thunder, thunder, thunder rex!

Actually, not quite, but i wonder why not also give the “rexes” magical elemental powers (since the Aztecs call them “Thunder lizards” in the movie itself), if we can stretch the imagination to have a movie like this, set in the 16^th centhury about a group of conquistadores going to Mexico in order to search for treasure and colonialize the “savages” while they’re at it, but end up captured by the tribes, whom plan to sacrifice them to their sacred gods, T-Rexes.

I mean, i do trust in Godzilla, but ….

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Dino Dicember #24: Poseidon Rex (2013)

Yes, the ever elusive Water-Dragon type of T-Rex, because nowadays you could make fake monster movie poster art with Pokemons as a joke, and realize someone did it for real already, beat you to it years ago. And if someone had to do it, might as well be the director of cult films like Commando, Armed And Dangerous, and Class of 1984, Mark. L. Lester himself, as he eventually went back to doing B-movies for TV or the home video market after the “Hollywood years”.

Because, really, the sharks enjoyed preying on B-movie beaches for decades, it’s time to move out and let dinosaurs do it for a change. At least in some of the cover art, in this specific case it does happen, but often with movies like this the posters promise more than what the movies themselves can actually deliver.

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Dino December #18: The Land That Time Forgot (2005)

Of course we’re not reviewing the original novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, or the more known 1975’s adaptation by Amicus. We’re doing the 2009 one, done by The Asylum, which in a way it’s kinda fitting, and… kinda isn’t; sure, it’s about dinosaurs, but usually the company sticks to ripping off Jurassic Park and whatever it spawned over time (including the Carnosaur series), not so much in adapting Burroughs. Almost as surprising as the lack of many adaptations this story received, very little in comparison to Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World.

The story follows the same premise of the book (which didn’t start off but in the later parts develops into a “lost world” story, as popularized by the aforementioned Conan Doyle’s opus), but it set in modern times, it involves frigging portal/dimensional rifts the group of main characters, which aren’t soldiers but just some random persons that were doing some “extreme vacation-activity” thing. Given this is an Asylum production, i’m not really surprised, i mean, they’re not gonna try to film it as a period piece, you just know they ain’t going to… and they don’t.

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