[EXPRESSO] Cobweb (2023) | Content’s Gonna Content

So yeah, why i’m reviewing this now, since it released in 2023?

Because i watched it some days ago, a casual watch on Netflix without any plan beyond that, but i’d figured doing an EXPRESSO review of it would be better than reworking another old review.

So yeah, Cobweb. Peter (not that one) is a shy boy raised by his overprotective parents, and one day hears noises coming from his inside his bedroom walls. Then the noises become a voice distinctly calls out to him…..

Being Samuel Bodin’s directorial debut, it’s not bad, it’s not definitely not boring, i’ll say that much, though it’s definitely one of those horror films where you can easily trace back the many Frankenstein-ed body parts it borrows, pillaging from The Exorcist, the 2000’s J-Horror trend, the parents having dark secrets they hide from the boy, aping Babadook, etc.

It’s utterly derivative to the bone, but to its credit, it does almost manage to mix the archetypes and cliches into something of its own, and while it’s perfectly predictable all the way, the execution is solid, there are some nice ideas, a decent atmosphere that’s very in the vein of the Grimm fairytales, some creepy moments, acting is quite good, so even it feels familiar, it’s quite entertaining enough that you wanna see it through even if you correctly guessed where it’s going in the first 20 minutes.

Sadly all these ideas and inspirations never come fully together, and i would have still given it a “decent” rating if it wasn’t for the ending, which actually crystalizes the issue of “vagueness for vagueness” sake and honestly feel like they stopped 1 scene earlier than planned.

Even so, it’s quite an ok watch, it’s arguably better than most of the latest Blumhouse theatharical releases, for example.

[EXPRESSO] Overlord: The Sacred Kingdom (2024) | Lichdom: Battlemage

After the 4^th season of the anime, we got a Overlord film, depicting the Sacred/Holy Kingdom Arc that was discussed/teased but not shown during Season 4 itself.

For reference, the series is about a regular guy that get stuck in a VR MMORPG when the servers close, as its character, Momonga, an elder lich, with previous NPCs start acting on their own, including the servants/characters made by his fellow guild members basically electing him as supreme leader, and he’s basically forced to live up to their expectations while plotting schemes for world domination as the Overlord.

The plot here sees Momonga/Ainz Ooal Gown, finally having established its territory and himself as the “Sorcerer King” getting into an alliance with the Sacred Kingdom, needing help to slay the Demon Emperor Jaldabaoth that’s attacking them with his hordes of humanoid monsters..

Again, this is as about as good a synopsis as it gets without doing huge spoilers, and while it strikes a good compromise between being watchable on its own, since the story here presented (picking up the previously established but basically ignored “Jaldabaoth” storyline) has mostly original characters, provides enough closure, and you can guess/deduce some things… having context for the characters and situations definitely benefits the experience (since it doesn’t recap shit, just giving a very brief text explanation of the premise), which does deliver on both the spectacle, violence and some honestly fun, enjoyable “anime isekai non-sense”, including fantasy politics.

I was worried the animation might had the “CG-isms” seen in later Season 3 and Season 4… not as much, the animation isn’t notably better but you can tell there’s a bump in quality and direction to take advantage of it being a film, more battles to show the animation off, etc.

Quite satisfied with it, i must say.

[EXPRESSO] Red One (2024) | Christmas In Wakanda Pole

The Rock is back, as Santa’s bodyguard in Red One, which comes out in mid-November because fuck it, you’re already thinking of Christmas anyway.

One Red goes for the “Santa Is Real” school of phylosophy, but actually adds something as Santa is real and powerful as the legend says, as true as the various mythical creatures related to his figures, often working for/with him in a hidden Wakanda-esque city-factory, where they prepare all year so on Christmas they can actually deliver children worlwide their gifts in one night, using magic and top-tier technology to be unseen and unheard. This time however a legendary hacker manages to find a flaw in their security, which leads to a mysterious figure kidnapping ol’ Nick.

So its up to The Rock (as Santa’s grand general) to find out who’s responsible, alongside the same hacker that unknowingly helped kidnap Santa, and a gauntlet thingie that gives him bootleg Ant Man powers, because why not, it makes for some fun (albeit not original) ideas and visuals.

As expected, this is yet another one of those that could simply be called “The Rock/Dwayne Johnson movies”, as it features everything you’d associate with the actor and his filmography, so it has monsters, fantasy stuff, action, comedy, The Rock having “legal plot armor”, all in a family friendly package, even more as this one it’s a christmas film, so JK Simmons can’t reprimand Mark Grayson or insult Peter Parker.

The final battle is a bit of an anticlimactic cop-out, but overall, this one of the better ones as of late, far from turds like Black Adam but also definitely above middling and completely forgettable stuff like Red Notice, there’s definitely a bit more creativity and energy to be found in it, making for a decently entertaining action-comedy-fantasy Christmas romp.

Spy X Family: Code White (2023) | Alpine Capers

So, the Spy X Family movie, which feels kinda odd to see release in most territories (EU and english speaking ones) now in late April, as it debuted Dicember 2023 in japanese theathers, an and it’s very easy to notice it was meant as a winter/Christmas release, because of it taking place in a faux-Switzerland-esque city and the tone of a winter holiday vacation.

Not having watched further than Season 1, i was a bit worried to accidentally spoil myself, but this is a non-canonical original story…… that actually doesn’t even really need you to have watched Spy X Family at all, as it introduces the main characters and quickly explains the gist (which i won’t for time’s sake) anyway, you will miss some context for some side characters, but there’s nothing that you can’t catch on the fly by watching the movie.

The plot has the Forger family go into a vacation in the nearby alpine and Switzerland-esque town of Frigis in order to get the recipe for a cake that will make Anya pass the cooking exam at her prestigious school, in turn advancing her career and letting Lloyd get closer to the target of the secret operation he undertook and formed the family for.

But things go south when Anya accidentally gets imbroiled with the army and discovers their plan to undo the fragile peace between non-East Germany and non-West Germany…

It’s a fun time, but it could have been easily a 2 parts long special episode instead, very little feels “cinematic” until deep in the second act, but even in terms of animation quality there’s little (some brief dream sequences, mostly) that feels like this “needed” to be a movie.

Still quite cute and wholesome as is the series itself, but nothing really impressive either way.

[EXPRESSO] Night Swim (2024) | “Get Out Of My Friggin’ Pool!”

Based on a short film of the same name by director Bryce McGuire, Night Swim is the kind of horror film that actually speaks for itself very clearly since it’s what the trailer (kinda ) made it look like, as in it’s a movie about a haunted pool.

The premise sees a family move in to a new house as the father, a baseball star whose career got cut short by a degenerative illness, forcing him to an early retirement. Still secretly hoping to get back into the Major Leagues, he decides to clean up the pool as he thinks will be good for his rehab and be fun for his kids too, unaware of the house’ dark secrets……

It almost feels like an accidental american remake of a Japanese horror film from the 2000s, like someone by pure coincidence remade 2002’s Dark Water (again), or somewhere along those lines, despite not actually being that kind of movie, as the lore get explained it’s hard not to see it that way, because despite the stupid-ish sounding premise, something could have been done with it that’s not subpar, weak cluster of cliches.

Silly as “haunted pool” sounds-is, the water-centric scenario could have been used to some effect, and there’s effort to make it work as a serious horror film, but it doesn’t help that the result it’s something that makes you whip out your theasurus to avoid saying “it’s shallow/lukewarm”, despite it being that insipid and ineffective, with accidental “anti-jumpscares”, stock characters, the lack on any proper atmosphere, or anything that hasn’t already been done way better before.

It’s just “not enough” in any regard, while also being “too much”.

[EXPRESSO] Argylle (2024) | Spy Harder

Matthew Vaughn is back with that is essentially a Kingsman spin-off taking place in that universe/continuity with Argylle, which goes for the straight up spy comedy/parody with a premise that inevitably echoes Romancing The Stone, and by extent 2022’s The Lost City, but about spies.

Elly Conway is a successful writer of a spy series of novels titled Argylle, and while about to finish up the final chapter of her next book, she is approached by a real spy that reveals her books ended up mimicking too closely the machinations of a real life evil shadow mega-organization, forcing her to follow (with kitty in tow) the real life agent Argylle in order to escape the assassins sent after her.

There is more to this, and it’s a nice variation on this formula…. but i can’t deny at times it feels like an outright spoof done by accidents, as the twists keep coming to a degree that it almost feel like an actual joke (but ain’t) and the fun premise is ultimately weighted down by a convuluted plot and an overly long runtime. This really should have been 90 minutes.

It’s a bit too self-satisfied at times, especially in terms of meta jokes that aren’t too original or funny, the execution it’s far from lacking flaws, but i won’t deny the premise does give the formula some energy, the plot gets some needed mileage out of said premise, enought to keep you fairly entertained, with some fun performances, but it does suffer because often it weaponizes genre cliches unironically without actually improving on overdone tropes.

Despite all that, i’d say it’s still a decent time, but i do hope that the planned sequels (if they do come out after this “part 1” bombing so far at the box office) are better.

[EXPRESSO] Disquiet (2023) | A Game Of Disappearing Nurses

An unplanned trip to the Netflix content mill yield the discovery of Disquiet, which i feel can be described as the “Silent Hill haunted hospital unofficial movie”….made by people that never actually played Silent Hill.

Still, it has an undeniably strong opening that explains the premise and gets the mystery starting, with a man, Sam (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), that after a car accident wakes up in a deserted hospital, deserted minus the man in the next bed that tries to strangle him, gets shanked by Sam countless times, then simply disappears. Then a nurse appears, only to also disappear, Sam being chased again by the crazed patient, and finding other people that are also trapped in this limbo-esque location..

It’s not a good movie, heck, i can understand how you could be frustrated because as a horror movie it’s really generic, derivative and honestly by the end it’s easy to forgot this is not just a supernatural thriller, that angle makes it easier to “swallow” as you’re curious than cautious about what happens, but it’s also an excuse because this is a horror film.

One ripe with characters that are trite but still enjoyable despite having no depth (aside the protagonist Sam), and plenty of various horror building blocks, like the “scarecrowy scary faces”, many flashbacks, not scary “scary parts”, leading to a fairly predictable scenario.

Regardless of you wanna slice it, i don’t hate it or think it’s atrocious, at least it’s not boring and the direction manages to keep things going nicely, it’s pretty disposable, and while it cops out by spoon feeding the ending’s meaning to the audience…. the ending could have easily been worse.

So it’s worth at least a watch to kill some time.

On Netflix, i wouldn’t bother going to the theathers for it.

[EXPRESSO] The Marvels (2023) | Three Of A Perfect Pair

Once again i have to preface i do not follow the Disney + Marvel series, i simply do not, i do get a laugh at reading how the fuck Marvel has issues with the Blade reboot (it is absurd), but i do watch the theathrical releases, with this later one being pretty much a Captain Marvel sequel, with the twist of having Danvers form an unlikely trio with Kamala Khan AKA Ms Marvel, and her believed to be lost niece, Monica Rambeau, whom also received energy powers after an accident.

As to why, it’s because a new villain, a Kree survivor and rebel, has acquired a powerful artifact, which has the side effect of making the three heroines do a switcharoo every time they use their powers, and they’ll have to find a way to work together in order – as “The Marvels” – to avoid the universe is further teared apart by wormholes and space-time completely breaks down…

I wasn’t a fan of the first film, or Captain Marvel herself, but this feels like a step-up, as there’s more going on, Kamala Khan being….. herself is very cute, the premise is more fun, there’s definitely more energy to the characters and plot, and thankfully Nia DaCosta’s (Little Woods, Candyman 2021) direction embraces the fact this is a very simple and silly tale, and boy do i appreciate when these movies can actually play it simple.

Shame the villain, while making sense for this type of story, it’s kind of a forgettable tragic kind of foe, and the resolution seems kinda underwhelming, but i did enjoy it a lot more than the first one, also because it’s under 2 hours for a change, though once again the “cat-like creature” is arguably the best damn thing in this franchise.

Decent fun.

[EXPRESSO] A Haunting In Venice (2023) | Halloween Party

The adventures of world renowed french master detective Hercules Poirot continue in the new installment of Brannagh’ series of Agatha Christie adaptations, with Haunting In Venice.

Retired from the world and any kind of detective work in the town of the real “Aqua Laguna” after the events from Death On The Nile, Poirot just passes his days in slovenly eating italian pastries and avoiding any case, he is eventually roped in by an old time acquaintance of here, a detective novelist that based her books on him, as she wants to join a seance during Halloween in one of the many supposedly haunted Venetian houses, and discredit the medium as a phony.

Things go south quick as first someone attempts to murder Poirot himself, then theathrically kills the medium, forcing our mustache-armed detective to lock up the place and discover the murdered before the police can arrive, with events making him even – maybe – consider that the rumors of haunted buildings and lore of a horrifying children asylum have a modicum of truth to them…

It’s pretty decent, like the previous Kenneth Branagh Poirot films, i wasn’t quite woved, but i did quite enjoy them, and i did like this one a bit better than Death On The Nile, mostly due to the less sprawling script that doesn’t feel the need to add shit like the “WWI prologue for the ‘stache”.

But on the other hand the flirting with the horror elements this entry does… it’s just that, some mild flirting with the ideas of ghosts, just about as committed as it could ever realistically be given it’s an Agatha Christie’s story and whatnot.

Also, characters and story are less detailed and interesting this time around, but overall it’s a decent time, thought not really scary or super enthralling.

[EXPRESSO] Meg 2: The Trench (2023) | Cranking It Up

As one of that quite enjoyed the first The Meg (believe it or not at the time it had some very split reception from genre fans), i was waiting for its sequel arrive in theathers, pretty giddy about it too, though honestly shark movie fans nowadays pretty much HAVE to make do with anything in terms of theathrical releases.

After all, we are in such an ironic drought that even The Asylum has to commission their mockbusters to the Polonia Bros, so yeah, i’m quite glad we get more “megalomachia” as Jason Statham once again dons the eco-warrior kick ass action hero character whose name i honestly forgot, not that you’re gonna call him that (leave to a side-villain to scream his name when confronting him), and this time he ventures with a new submarine alongside his old and new sealab companions, with the idea to go even further below to where the “megs” prosper, but accidents happen as they also stumble upon an illegal underwater mining operations, and explosions let many of the deep sea creatures reach the surface and start causing the mess, including a giant octopus and what are basically abyss deep “varan-raptors”, frigging dinosaurs.

While the first one was fun, this one is arguably better, with more variety of locations, creatures and set pieces, since we don’t spend half (or all) the movie in the usual high tech underwater lab where the megalodons are kept, but we quickly move to the abyss trench and its peculiar fauna, the mining company installation, even some tropical resort island, and we even get monster vs monster action.

Honestly Meg 2: The Trench has pretty much everything you’d want from one of these dumb ass big budget shark/dinosaur films, very entertaining, with enjoyable characters and abundant over the top action.