Upcoming Attractions: Sharks und Pirates

(Source) https://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/4273516?q=sharknado+

(no, a Girls Und Panzer retrospective isn’t afoot… YET)

Just a quick overview of what’s coming for the rest of the summer on the blog.

July will be Shark Month. Usually it is anyway, but this year i actually have managed to pile up enough material (despite everything), so there will be a shark movie review out each day, and maybe some EXPRESSO ones too, depending on when i can get to some releases in theathers.

August will yet again be a One Piece retrospective…. of the TV specials.

Last summer we did go over the featurettes, and it’s still too early for me to properly re-assess all the One Piece movies. Like i said before, i’d prefer some more time to pass,, in order to avoid some lazy rewrite-recycle of the old reviews i made in italian years ago.

Also, i’m gonna take a break from the 15th of August (included) until the 1st of September.

This doesn’t mean i will stop posting at all, since EXPRESSO reviews will be made and published, but any time consuming form of review or retrospective will go on hiatus.

That’s about it, so look forward to another summer of sharks and anime pirates!

Ice Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] | Ammonia Sharks

This is actually a re-review, i covered Ice Sharks during 2019’s “shark month/week/whatever” but it was on the original, italian version of Wise Cafe, so it’s technically new and i want to give you a lil’ something while i try to juggle and write about 4 different anime series, none ending in late january.

And if anything, might as well do this now than in summer, there will be other shark movies to talk about when the time comes. Also because there are not many “Ice type” shark movies, thankfully this sub-trend never took much hold, so much i can’t think of many others like this, aside from Avalanche Sharks and 2012’s Snow Shark.

Then again, Ice Sharks is one of the more recent one, and alone should have tanked this niche-within-a-niche for good, and not necessarily because it’s the “worst one”.

Continua a leggere

Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020) [REVIEW] | Corporate Sharks

Deep Blue Sea 3 2020.png

Having reviewed Deep Blue Sea 2 in July, i was surprised to see another one pop up into existence a month ago. Thankfully, an UK DVD release also rapidly appeared a week ago, i imported it, so here we are.

While i was kinda disappointed with the second one, it was more due to that movie having to follow after the original Deep Blue Sea, still one of the best shark movies. By now it’s clear this is just another series of shark movies based around the idea of genetically enhanced sharks, with no continuity between them, and a budget far lower than the original, while still pretty high for most shark movie peddlers that play it low as possible as to cynically bottle the “so bad its good” lightning, by now pretty much non-existent as there is no difference between parody and shit. Continua a leggere “Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020) [REVIEW] | Corporate Sharks”

Megalodon/Sharkzilla (2002) [REVIEW] | Karcharíasdontas

Megalodon AKA Sharkzilla 2002.png

Time for more confusing re-titling of shark movies, as there’s a tv movie from 2012 actually called Sharkzilla, but the old 2002 Megalodon (yeah, originality isn’t this subgenre forte, as there’s yet another movie called “Megalodon” that was released in 2018) was released on DVD in the UK as Sharkzilla, de facto just putting a lick of paint over a + 10 years old movie to fool people into thinking it’s a crappy new release.

Lovely confusion-based marketing, par for the course for this strain of shark shit, so much than in Germany was sold as “Jurassic Shark 3” (there no Jurassic Shark 2, and i thank the heavens for it)! Then again, i paid it less than 5 bucks, total, so… Continua a leggere “Megalodon/Sharkzilla (2002) [REVIEW] | Karcharíasdontas”

Gamera The Complete Collection UK BLURAY [REVIEW] | Absolute Pristine Turtle Meat, Really Neat

Arrow Video keeps being a shining beacon of light in a world where companies are planning to stop making physical media all together, so they can hold properties hostage on another streaming service with no guarantee film and series will always be there, or there in a matter of months, for that matter.

This time they bring us a collection that will make kaiju fans furiously ejaculate, and for good reason, as there wasn’t any complete collection of the beloved Gamera series, there were some boxsets for the North American market, but nothing complete, and here in Europe TM we got it far worse, Italy especially, as they brought only 5 five of the Showa Era, often calling Gamera “The Great King” and retitling the movies to imply it’s Godzilla or King Kong, with craptacular marquee artworks to boot.

But now it’s all good again, as this boxset (which i preordered as soon as i saw it) is shipping worlwide, and it’s all english… but it’s also a limited release, so i’m just gonna say this to interested fans: stop reading, and get it RIGHT NOW, this is pricey and there aren’t gonna be that many copies around, so just go. Definitely worth the price, it’s not cheap, at all, but it’s worth every single cent. Continua a leggere “Gamera The Complete Collection UK BLURAY [REVIEW] | Absolute Pristine Turtle Meat, Really Neat”

Open Water (2003) [REVIEW] | Fear Of The Shark

Open Water 2003.png

Didn’t plan to review this, but suddendly i saw “this film will be unavailable the 31 of august”. Thanks, Amazon Prime Video, wanna remove first some garbage that probably isn’t even really licensed so much as “uploaded” by random persons? No? Thank you.

So anyway, Open Water, the first one of the not-series, as there are two more, but there’s no story continuity, and the second one often isn’t even titled as a sequel, which is fairly common for these realm of horror thriller about killer animals… or killer anything, to be even more honest, and pretty any distribution company “has” to have it’s own shark series with movies that just add numbers at the end of titles and share the same overall concept or premise.This is Lionsgate’s. Continua a leggere “Open Water (2003) [REVIEW] | Fear Of The Shark”

Die Rezensionen In Florenz

As i read of the AV Club decision to not review The New Mutants, not because of any bias, but because the otherwise reasonable request to pay for a movie in theathers once for a critic…. it’s absurd and dangerous in the United States, were the pandemic is still in full swing, but theather chains still want to push big releases through or get people into seats by making tickets 75 cents (plus a decent probability of black death).

The AV Club has my utmost respect for this, indeed this is not a risk worth it, even for people willing to take it, this is actually a sensible decision. Potential COVID infection is not worth it for a review of any movie. Just isn’t.

So it feels incredibly odd to me that – by pure chance – i’ve already gone to theathers without any chance of death (then again, it’s kinda hard to say since yesterday i saw Gretel And Hansel in an otherwise completely empty movie theather room), and so this week i will just go, watch and then review Tenet, just because i happen to live in Italy and the actual circumstances of this means i probably won’t die

This isn’t gloating, this isn’t boasting (as i’ve basically done nothing to deserve it), this isn’t good ol schaudenfraude, it just seems so odd, so surreal to me that i will have a review out for The New Mutants (between a One Piece retrospective and a shark movie review) earlier than most foreign sites i use to keep up with global releases and stuff.

Just…. odd.

Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?

Dangerous Waters Shark Attack AKA Spring Break Shark Attack 2005.png — **Yeah, not a clear edit. Good lord, at least have matching fonts.**

This is actually Spring Break Shark Attack, but sold on home video as Dangerous Water Shark Attack, like in the UK DVD version, which also sports a cover trying to imply a more grim tone to the titular shark attack, totally trojan horsing to the shark movie aficionados a movie with such a generic name, making them think this is The Reef.

Really, even Jersey Shore Shark Attack had more to it, even if it was due to mixing together (and unofficially) two different – yet perfectly compatibile – flavours of trash, this is exactly what it says on the tin, and one that must have required very little brainstorming. Shark movie. Spring break. Teens played by “not quite teen” actors. Bikinis. Send tweet. Send script. Print. Beautiful. Continua a leggere “Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?”

Mega Shark in Malibu/Malibu Shark Attack (2009) [REVIEW] | Goblin Jaws

Mega Shark in Malibu AKA Malibu Shark Attack 2009.png

Like it’s so often the case, i got this one on DVD for cheap, and the UK DVD release tries to fool you into thinking that’s related to (or part of) the Mega Shark series by The Asylum, even putting “the legend returns…” in the box art.

It’s actually not, it’s just a random shark movie called Malibu Shark Attack, that also just happens to have been released in 2009 like the first Mega Shark movie, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, but by this logic, Black Dynamite and Dragon Ball Evolution also belong in the Dinocroc shared universe. This is actually part of the Maneater series, though calling it series it’s a stretch, they are cheap horror films produced by RHI Entertaiment for SYFY (usually debutting there and then going to video), yes, but they don’t even stick to the theme of “natural horror” anymore. Not that it really matters.

Doesn’t help that this release still keeps the alternative DVD title of “Mega Shark Of The Malibu” in the movie itself, but it wouldn’t be a genre film without at least 2 or 3 alternate titles, i guess. It’s one of the unwritten laws of b movies and such. Continua a leggere “Mega Shark in Malibu/Malibu Shark Attack (2009) [REVIEW] | Goblin Jaws”

Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils

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I’ve finally found a version with the original english voices (and in hindi, again), so time to review this one as well!

And it’s quite the shark dropping we have, because 1 minute in you’ve already seen the best part, it’s not even from the actual movie, it’s a clip from a fake in-movie shark series called Shark Bite, and this ties into the actual plot of the movie, with sharks attacking river boats in Mississippi and then disrupting a fish rodeo (possibly held by ol’ Jim Slater ) presented by the main lead of the fake Shark Bite movie series.

Continua a leggere “Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils”