Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse (2021) [REVIEW] | Sequelgeddon #sharksncrocspartdeux

I eventually had to find out this existed, because words like “sequels” don’t mean anything anymore, even more when we dwelve in the “homegrown/DIY” territory of the shark movies, where one name echoes through the vast oceans, Mark Polonia, and he stands atop of his carboard throne, commanding beasts of papermaciè and plastic (and whatever the budget can afford) to fend off the rare adventurers setting off in the desperate quest for the homegrown crown.

So powerful he is that only he can received the task of doing a sequel of a low budget shark movie he didn’t originally make, as Jurassic Shark was directed and produced by Brett Kelly, but that isn’t even the stranger thing about Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse.

That would be this one standing as the “official” sequel, as Brett Kelly also directed Raiders Of The Lost Shark, which was a surprise kind of sequel to Jurassic Shark, as i discussed when reviewing it.

But this one gets to have the Jurassic Shark name and slap a 2 on the end, for whatever reason, and so it kinda surprising the plot has anything to do with the first, as the oil company from the first movie (whom accidentally released the megalodon) is back and wanting to drill for oil of the coast of Cat Island (not that one), and its up to the workers of the oil rig – that accidentally discover the beast – to try and save what they can from its unfeeling jaws… And its amazing inflatable fin.

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[EXPRESSO] Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning – Part 1 (2023) | Man Machine Interface

That ol’ darn Ethan Hunt is at it again, with the seventh installment of the Mission Impossible movie series, or its first part, because – as it should be clear by now – the two parter trend is back for mainstream big budget movies released in theathers. Heck, even Fast And Furious did it!

But if you had somewhat lukewarm or mixed expectations about Dead Reckoning, especially when it also follows the other trend of making movies even longer than before, inching ever so close to that dreaded 3 hours runtime…. well, Dead Reckoning Part 1 will put those to rest, because it’s actually a rare treat, in a way, both as the new installment of a very long running series that remained mostly constant in tone and style, but also as a demonstration that this kind of blockbuster action thriller movie can still be done today and actually impress audiences.

First, the plot it’s actually very modern (though a decade before would have been considered pure sci-fi), with an advanced learning IA that went rogue, became sentient, then made its incredible power of changing reality known, thus starting a race between nations for the only item that can give control over this almost-omnipotent entity.

Ethan Hunt and his crew are enlisted too, but they realize that to do the right thing they will have to go rogue themselves, given the unbelievably high stakes at play.

In a way there’s – mostly – nothing we haven’t seen before, but the execution is so good, the dedication to not cut corners and actually use the budget where it matters, especially the incredible stuntwork, there’s just so much obvious committment to make this as intense, suspensful and entertaining as possible, while not making the long runtime feel excessive.

Quite a blast, honestly.

L’Isola Degli Uomini Pesce (The Island Of The Fishmen) (1979) [REVIEW] | Dr. Moreau From The Deep

I guess fate does exist, because i randomly picked up at a local flea market a DVD copy of “L’Isola Degli Uomini Pesce” (translating to “The Island Of The Fishmen”, literally) for less than 3 bucks, figured i’d review that for a lark, only to find out this movie is actually known among fans of B-movies as “Screamers”, in its edited and reworked version handled by Roger Corman that cuts some footage, inserts a new opening and adds extra gore.

While also using false advertising in marketing with text claimining it’s about “people turned inside out”. This is an utter lie, because it also implies this is a horror film…. yes but it’s also a fantasy adventure flick that also pinches ideas from Island Of Dr. Moreau (and also reminding one of the Corman’s Humanoids From The Deep, for example) and uses horror cliches like a mad scientist creating a humanoid hybrid race of people, but it also has heavy adventure movie elements like the natives and the sunken civilizations and stuff.

So if you have memories on seeing this as “Screamers” on TV or VHS, sorry, we’re talking about the original, untouched italian version of “The Island Of The Fishmen”.

Also, i promise there are no One Piece jokes here, tempting as they were to make.

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Crocodile (1979) [REVIEW] | Thai Croc Jaws #sharksncrocspartdeux

Can’t get more basic than “Crocodile”, not “killer”, not “mutant”, nor “apocalypse”, just your plain old reptilian creature to not be confused with an alligator.

Which is arguably kind of a lie, since this is an obscure Thai monster movie that was made – in unison – “to ride Jaws’ coat-tail”. I don’t even do this on purpose, there’s that big a chance even killer croc movies somehow can be linked back to it, either due to the decade of their release or the basic plot structure and popularized cliches.

Often it’s both, as “Crocodile” was released just years after Jaws rocked the box office, AND the plot it’s virtually identical… or is it?

Not to be confused with a 1978’s Korean movie also with the international title of “Crocodile”, from which this 1979 Thai film is edited from… and by that i’d say it borrows some stock footage from the 1978 one, i don’t know to what extend, since i couldn’t find a copy of the 1978’s film, because i do believe these are two different – yet almost identical sounding – movies, not one and the same.

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Roboshark (2015) [REVIEW] | Livetweeting The Shark #sharksncrocspartdeux

Robocroc left me feeling very meh and mildly bored, so Roboshark would have to pick up any pace in order to better. Or worse.

Regardless, it was originally one of the many shark movies making their debut on SyFy during the second annual Sharkenado Week of 2015 on the channel, and like most of you would have already guessed, indeed, it’s not a sequel at all, just shares the concept of something cybernetic getting into contact with predator animals and turning them into robotic-cyborg version of themselves.

But honestly the circumstances of the movie’s release it’s a perfect framing in what climate Roboshark came out, because it was indeed a time where everyone wanted to be in on the joke, ride the meta self-awareness sea train but deliberately doing it WITHOUT a “Don!”, engineering itself to be made fun of, to have people online live-tweet the shit out of it, to make you look at the freak, hoping that word of mouth and horrible reviews would make for unorthodox promotional material, because making that view counter go up is the only reason to make the thing in the first place.

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Robocroc (2013) [REVIEW] | Domo Wanigato #sharksncrocspartdeux

Police officer Murphy is shot down while confronting a criminal gang, but his body is found by a brood of crocodiles living in Detroit’s sewer system. They nurse him back to health, let him partake of their radioactive flesh, which helps him grow back the lost limbs, and eventually he reemerges into the public eye as the hybrid man-croc vigilante Robocroc.

This is NOT the plot of Robocroc, not that the actual one has anything to do with the movie spoofed in the title. It would took to much time and effort, and this is just not the way these post-Sharkenado low budget killer animal flicks do it. It must be stupid, but within the itsby bitsy budgets, which overtime seem to have gotten smaller and smaller, closer and closer to the “Polonia-sphere”.

So it also means this has more in common with Metal Gear Rising Revengeance than Robocop, as the plot involves a missile launch that goes awry, with the ejected part landing in a zoo, nanomachines coming out of it and into a female crocodile named Stella that happened to be nearby the capsule’s crash site, and these slowly turn her into a cyborg bent on eating his way through the special forces called into the enclosure, then escaping the facility to feed on random people fishing in a lagoon, stopping on dry land to feast on people guilty of driving quad bikes, and finally going for the big feast of a nearby aqua park full of teens partying.

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[EXPRESSO] Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny (2023) | Show Me Your Math

Ah, yes, the final, final adventure of old film legend Indiana Jones. For real this time.

We all know nothing will stop the studios potentially doing the “Peter Cushing digital necromancy” when Harrison Ford eventually will leave this mortal coil, but, as for John Wick 4, i’m reviewing this under the assumption is gonna remain true, even more since director James Mangold (Logan) makes it manifest this is the final bout of adventure for a man that’s really too old for this shit.

Enough that Jones witnesses his history students far more excited since the moon landing just happened, but the very same day he’s approached by the daughter of an old friend, Helena, then attacked by a group of nazis that are also interested in one half of the Antikytera, a misterious artifact built by Archimedes that supposedly would grant control over time itself, and a lot of the usual Indiana Jones adventures happen with the group scurring all over the globe.

It’s definitely an Indiana Jones movie through and through, the new characters are quite likeable, the nazis are always the perfect villain for a movie like this, there’s some logic to the meta-textual swinging back to the past that fuels what is another nostalgic cinematic operation, and the director manages to capture the essence of the old movies fairly well, though the script ultimately lacks that “oomph” that would put it above a decent but expected rethread of familiar material.

And one wonders why the hell an Indiana Jones movie should be 2 hours and ½, that alone almost had me rate lower this one, but Harrison Ford alone still makes it worth it, and for a movie that’s intended as a send-off for the character, it’s a better one than Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.

[EXPRESSO] Knights Of The Zodiac (2023) | Saint Seiya Evolution

It feels like its the late 2000s again with a production like this, as if Dragon Ball Evolution never released, or it did but nobody learn shit from it, just by gazing upon this brand new live action adaptation of the popular manga/anime series Knights Of The Zodiac, better known as Saint Seiya.

IF you knew this was coming at all, in the US the series never really “took off”, and even in countries like Italy where it still has a lot of nostalgic value for older generations, it has been barely marketed at all and released as 3 days special event thingie, kinda telling.

Honestly, i was never much into Saint Seiya, but just from the trailer i recognized the whiff of another Dragon Ball Evolution. Though this one is SLIGHTLY better.

Just because the effects and visuals are a bit better, and the fights could be worse.

But it’s still a terrible, lousy adaptation that’s so 2000s and it’s a total crapfest anyway, as it checks ALL the negative boxes.

Wildly miscast actors that either half-ass it or are just pure pine, a script trying to squeeze a saga worth of info into a 2 hours runtime, a narration with no focus continuously jumping from scene to scene without context, that is when the stereotypes (there are no actual characters in this movie) aren’t vomiting torrents of exposition.

Even worse, it’s also a BORING mess, and it’s that kind of adaptation that it invents his own plot, one that has barely anything to do with the series’ premise, and – for good measure – it’s stupid, boring, threadbare and utterly tiresome on its own, managing not only to disappoint long time fans, but also alienate general audiences.

Not that it stops this movie sequel baiting into the void.

Thunder Of The Gigantic Serpent (1988) [REVIEW] #snakesofjunetoo

One of the more infamous piece of copy n paste cinema from the IFD Film & Arts factory of Godfrey Ho and associates, one that happens NOT to be a ninja movie with their pink ninja pajamas and 30 seconds superfights against caucasian ninja masters, but the other kind of exploitation the company specialized in, the “actionxploitation” flick with super american stereotypes fighting against criminals of some ilk, all played by the same 6 non-asian guys Ho and Lai employed.

And we’re lucky because we got Pierre Kirby in this one, playing agent Ted Fast, who only works alone because he’s so good and not utterly stupid, opposing the crime boss Solomon, after a secret formula that can make animals and plants grow to gigantic proportions, like 3000 times their original size.

But sadly Solomon will have to crime very hard for it, since the formula is actually from the “host movie” spliced in by Godfrey Ho (here directing), a 1984 Taiwanese kaiju movie titled “She Wang” (translating to “King Of Snakes”) about a pet snake, Mosla, belonging to a little girl that accidentally comes in contact with the formula, grows giant, and then stars rampaging because the terrorists after the formula kidnap the girl, and Mosla is having none of it.

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King Of Snake (2020) [REVIEW] #snakesofjunetoo

Not be confused with “King Of Snakes”, an old Taiwanese kaiju film mostly known for being edited into one of many’s Godfrey Ho cut-n-paste jobs, Thunder Of The Gigantic Serpent, which opted to insert new actionxploitation footage with western actors into that 1984’s monster film, instead of having them doing the usual “colored pijamas ninjas” shit.

We’re gonna cover that one later this month for #snakesofjunetoo, fear not, i’m always up for reviewing some IFD Films joints, but today we’re looking at something far more recent, a 2020 chinese disaster-monster movie set during the Republic Of China period, when railways were being costructed and the following ecological destruction caused by it (especially deforestation) being the reason for lots of poisonous snakes to assault a train, killing and injuring many.

To cure the survivors of the snake venom and the many that also were attacked in his own home village of Yong’an, the local snake catcher Mu Sheng has to form a small party to venture in search of the “snake flower” cure…

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