[EXPRESSO] The Strangers – Chapter 1 (2024) | Paint A Vulgar Picture

In case you didn’t know, after 2018’s The Strangers: Prey At Night, someone decided the way forward for the series… was a remake-reboot trilogy.

It doesn’t sound like a good idea, and as far as Chapter 1 (this film) is concerned, it isn’t.

I’m not being hyperbolic when i say this is one of the more pointless, useless remakes/reboots i’ve ever seen, this is up there with Brahms -The Boy II in terms of shitting on your previous films and undoing any goodwill, while delivering a very crap film in itself.

In terms of plot, this is a remake of 2008’s The Strangers, with a couple that are passing the night in an isolated cabin in the woods, when their residence gets invaded by a trio of masked murderer.

There’s no original or interesting twist, or anything that drastically deviates from or adds to the first film, and while i’d rightfully complain about this remake just adding laughably cliched fluff

, originality is the last of the The Strangers Chapter 1′ problems, which can be honestly summed up as this being a notably, drastically inferior version of the 2008 movie in EVERY single aspect.

I do mean it when i say that just about everything that worked in the original The Strangers here plainly doesn’t.

Plus, since it’s also the first chapter of a trilogy…there’s no real ending this time, as someone gotta survive the killers for the other two movies to happen. I guess.

It’s not even that boring, all things considered, but it’s still so shitty, creatively bankrupt, fundamentally pointless and stupid it’s infuriating, an utter cash grab and a complete waste of time, even at 90 minutes.

It’s gonna be VERY, VERY hard for The Strangers Chapter 2 and 3 (coming both next year) to be worse.

Introducing “Platformation Time Again”

If you happen to be a long time reader or followed any of my previous italian blogs (not ruling that out), this announcement will feel like a deja-vu, but yes, i’m starting over this column about platforming games with a brand new format and a “when i can” irregular posting.

If you have no idea what i’m talking about and somehow skipped the “column about platforming videogames” part just above, yes, this will be a column about platformers, with in depth, structured reviews with no regular cadence, a new entry/review will basically happen when i can actually set time aside to play and dissect a game, so irregular cadence it is.

And yes, it will be all written a new from scratch, so don’t worry about that.

Not much in the way of rules, just i don’t plan to review hacks or bootlegs, at least for now, but i doubt this rule will change over time. Just making this clear.

As to why, i’m a big platformer buff, so i missed doing these, hence are we again. 🙂

Also, i might be commissioning a request for the column’s logo later down the line.

MIGHT.

The first entry/review for Platformation Time Again will hit later today, bye!

[EXPRESSO] Twisters (2024) | That Power Is Yet Unknown

I have to say, for generational reasons, i missed the time where this movie was so widespread, so i watched the 1996 original for the first time just hours before going into theathers to see this follow-up/stand alone sequel, simply called Twisters.

The original was a fun ride, full of hilarious characters played by an amazing cast, though the main focus where the admittely amazing special effects for 1996, and plain old tornadoes were enough to intrigue general audiences.

That said, there is a strangely refreshing quality today to the 90s style approach to disaster movies, even if it’s less “sequel” and more of a remake (a “remaquel”?), as there are parallels, some elements carrying over and characters having similar dynamics, and a similar premise of groups of “tornado hunters”, despite no returning characters from the 1996 movie.

It feels very 90s and it does harness the energy of the original for the most part, with good effects too, in general managing well to update the formula, but intriguingly the core plot actually tackles more how these natural disasters impact peoples’ lives, who’s actually profitting from these, etc.

It’s a shame the movie isn’t willing to concede some needed characterization, more depth to the themes, anything that detract from the “rollercoaster” type of entertaiment, i mean, climate change isn’t mentioned once, and the co-protagonist could almost be cut, as Glenn Powell’s amazing performance of “Tyler Owens”, the ringmaster of a hillbilly storm chasers posse, steals the show.

Twisters almost manages to marry these two different approaches to the formula, but kinda falls short, though in the end it’s still a more than decent movie, one that does feel like a modern take on Twister, even if a bit frustrating since it feels crutched by compromises because of its very legacy.

[EXPRESSO] The Three Musketeers Part II: Milady (2023) | Into The Dumasverse

More Muskeeters of the non-Mickey Mouse variety with part 2 of the new French big budget film adaptation of Alexandre Dumas’ enduring classic, which i mistakenly assumed was a two parter and called it that in the review of the first film…. and yet it still IS a two parter, and it, with this second film focusing on the figure of Milady De Winters and covering basically all the way up to the novel’s finale.

Makes sense, and that much is true, but the script changes some things around and we have it basically ending on a cliffhanger ending… but apparently not for a “Three Muskeeters Part 3”, though many forget this is the first of a series of books about D’Artagnan and fellas, and apparently there are some spin-offs in the works, so yep, most likely this is the set-up for a “Dumas-verse”.

That said, this “part 2” is a good continuation, the energy and intensity to the fight scenes of the first part is still there, Eva Green as Milady gets a good bout as the anti-heroine Milady, and there’s quite the fun to be had still, but sadly it feels kinda rushed, even more than the first part, as some character that were set up to be important barely have a sub-plot or do anything of relevance to do, and i won’t deny at times i felt, if not lost, a bit hurried along the many characters, conspirancies, plans and such, to the point you can follow it but barely.

It there ever was a movie that could have used half a hour of extra runtime, this is one, because it could have actually benefitted from it in a noticeable way, and made this second part as good as the first one instead of decent if messy.

[EXPRESSO] Dune Part 2 (2024) | …The Punishment Due

After being delayed, the second part of Denis Villeneuve’s adaptation of Dune is finally in theathers, and again, i’m putting out there i didn’t read the novel, and oddly didn’t even saw the Lynch take on Herbert’s book, so take that into account, if you want.

After the fall of the Atreides castle and slaughtering of most of his family and friends by the rival house of the Harkonnen, Paul Atreides survives by escaping and entering the ranks of the Fremens, the sand-dwelling bluey eyed natives of the planet Arakkis, learning their ways, while waiting for a chance at revenge, and tormented by horrendous visions of a future holy war and a prophecy that points to him as the likely messiah the Fremens had been waiting for, while the Emperor and the mystical order of priestesses plot more political upheaval and prepare for conflict….

Like the first part, it’s a lot of stylish and inspired visuals (to the point i’d kinda wish i went for an IMAX screening, instead of a regular one), great characters, amazing spectacle, enthralling narrative.. let’s cut the crap, it’s amazing stuff, maybe even better than part 1, and a great pay-off that will make the almost 3 hours runtime go by swimmingly, as it’s packed but not just “dense”.

While the ending teases as this just being the beginning (fitting as the original Dune book series counted six books by his creator-writer Frank Herbert,) and i do want to see more, it actually does provide an incredible conclusion to this story, so you get closure but also one hell of a scenario to close on that will make you want to see how things will continue forwards after such a powerful, really epic finale.

Terrific stuff, some of the best sci-fi cinema in a while.

[EXPRESSO] Godzilla Minus One (2023) | WW Zilla

I was kinda apprehensive going into the new Godzilla movie (which is getting limited weeklong screenings everywhere outside of Japan), weirdly enough, due to some disappointed early feedback, so i decided to ignore most coverage after that and just go see it.

And i will address that indeed, after Shin Godzilla, going back to a period piece story set during WW II feels like a convenient move to avoid tackling modern political issues… but i will say that Godzilla Minus One does earn your attention and investment, thanks to one of the closest attempts at recapturing the spirit of the original Godzilla, to the point it’s almost a remake-prequel, and a great damn one that focuses on the human characters with great drama, punctuated by action scenes involving Godzilla (not the other way around), while also making Big G itself menacing again.

The premise follows Koichi, a man designed as a kamikaze pilot that, during the final years of WW II, fakes a malfunction of his airplane, and lands on the small island of Odo . There he is one of the few that survives the encounter with a giant dinosaur the locals call “Godzilla”, and with great shame, he comes back to the bombed ruins of his parent house, takes in a homeless woman and her foster daughter. In time the reconstruction begins, Koichi is on the verge of finally putting his nightmares of war to rest, but then Godzilla shows up again….

Honestly, even if not trying to push new boundaries, at all, Godzilla Minus One it’s a greatly compelling story with good characters, a solid period war drama at its core, and while the monster is CG, they pulled off a miracle with the effects looking so good for the tiny budget of 15 millions.

Highly recommended.

[Resident Evil Live Action Film Retrospective] #7: Resident Evil: Welcome To Raccoon City (2021)

When the first trailer for this reboot of the Resident Evil film series was revealed, the reception was kinda split, and i guess it was in part because over time people learned to enjoy the crappy Paul W.S . Anderson films for what they were, liked their brand of cinematic cheese and overall embraced their “so bad they’re charming” nature.

And i do agree that there’s something comforting, especially in retrospective, about them, for all the flaws and plots that had barely anything to do with the ones in the Resident Evil videogames themselves, they did manage to faithfully recapture the B-movie feel of the games (itself borrowed from many zombie B-movies) in their own way, while hindsight confirm they were products of their time indeed, in this case from an era where film adaptations of videogames had a bad reputation about them, quite different from today’s perception, with an Uncharted movie released and a Gran Turismo film that at the time of writing is just a month away from hitting theathers.

Times have indeed changed, so it’s not that much of a surprise to see Capcom (itself a different company from the confused and “appeal to the west” driven mess of back when the Milla Jovovich led film series was still going) opt for a reboot film instead of trying to follow up from a film that indeed was called Resident Evil: The Final Chapter and indeed served as closure. Kinda.

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[EXPRESSO] The Flash (2023) | Weather Report

Let’s get this over with, because i’m not really too comfortable with the idea of this review, as i previously stated, but i made a decision, so here we are.

Even casting aside the heinous shit Erza Miller pulled, i can’t say i was ever well disposed towards the film, as i didn’t really care much for The Flash as a character, the trailers and promos we eventually saw surface were more about Michael Keaton returning as Batman, an alluring prospect for older generations like mine that grew up on the 1989 Burton classic, paraded as “bait” because Batman brings ALL the boys to the yard, so to speak.

And i guess to remember you THIS world is unfair and cruel, the movie that should have been a total piece of shit… it’s not. I’d make a joke about dodging lightining, but why couldn’t Black Adam have been alright and this one a turd.. i guess it’s ironic in its own right.

The plot concerns Barry Allen, The Flash himself, using his powers to go faster than light and eventually to go back in time, all so he can avoid the incident that saw his mother die and his father wrongfully imprisoned. He eventually succeeds, meets his younger self, but learns that his actions led to a new timeline entirely, one where a lot of his super hero friends and colleagues never existed, but other villains did.

Thankfully he finds that reality’s Batman (Michaeal Keaton) and tries to launch a counter-offensive to save everyone…

Yeah, sure, some of the CG work can be uncanny valley levels of off-putting at times, the ending basically “pulls a JoJo” for more cynical reasons, but against all expectations, the movie it’s alright, it’s decent.

I’ve seen FAR worse offerings, especially from the DC side.

[EXPRESSO] Evil Dead Rise (2023) | Book Of The ‘Burbs

I’m not the biggest Evil Dead fan, and i honestly didn’t see anything past Army Of Darkness (so i can’t/won’t compare this new one to the 2013 reboot), but since this was gonna be another stand-alone film (despite also being called a sequel to the originals), what the hell, i’m game.

And yep, this is Evil Dead, despite what people that saw the first movies decades ago and clearly don’t fuckin remember them at all will try to tell you.

It’s basically a modern reboot/remake that does some changes to freshen things up, by changing the setting from the cabin in the woods to a suburban slum, and focus on a couple of sisters that reunite just to be torn apart by the unwarranted summoning of a evil undead curse that originates from a forbidden tome spreads..… and also by giving the Book Of The Dead a new name, because i guess the Lovecraft estate did trademark Necronomicon or something?

But regardless, director/writer Lee Cronin did a very good job in trying to capture the spirit of the old entries (down to offering a variation on the static camera chase sequences), with lots of nasty gore effects, disgusting fluids – or worse – being vomited by the possessed, violent impaling, but also with a certain underlining silliness to them, not to the point of devaluing the raw satisfaction of knives to the brain, scalps being ripped open, eyeballs eaten off… it’s nasty but not interested in taking itself 100 % serious, as with the cursing provided by the Deadites equivalents.

Likeable characters, excellent gore effects, intriguing bits of new lore, and overall just very entertaining (while also being enjoyable as its own thing), with a lot going on, all well packed into a very tight runtime just above 90 minutes.

Reptisaurus (2009) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

Cheap, direct to video shitfest from Fred Olen Ray, the final frontier for the franchise you’ve never heard about until this very moment…. or did you really?

If you’ve been lurking and watching all things monster movies from a good decade or more, you probably already know of Reptilicus from 1961, the only Danish movie monster that had the privilege of being remembered by film historians, and like some of the others “Godzilla inspired” films, managed to get a shlocky comic book series, one that eventually crossed with the one based on Gorgo, of all fucking things.

But since this is that kind of story, Reptilicus’ comic book only lasted two issues. TWO.

Then the publisher, Charlton Comics, waited for the copyright on the name to expire, redesigning the creature a bit and retitling it as “Reptisaurus”, which at least gave the series more issues and a special one-shot, and – as said before – got a cameo in an issue of the Gorgo comic book series, also published by Charlton Comics.

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