[EXPRESSO] Ballerina (2025) | Eve Of Destruction

Ah, yes, Ballerina, the long delayed John Wick spin-off… as in the film one, and i guess the only one people cared about, since i’m not even sure many bothered to watch The Continental, the Peacock/Amazon series also a part of the John Wick world-lore-universe, and to my understanding not many that did saw the series liked it. I didn’t bother, honestly even forgot it existed.

Ballerina follows the revenge tale of a young girl, Eva Makarro, whom, after seeing her father being killed by assassins belonging to a sect of sorts, is taken in by the Ruska Roma assassin order, and over a decade is trained into being a perfect assassin (alongside spy and ballerina), especially one meant to act as bodyguards if need be, until she eventually is promoted as a full fledged operative.

One day, after completing a job, Eva is attacked by a man bearing the same scar mark she saw on the sect men that killed her father, so she starts investigating on them, despite being advised not to by every important figure, which puts Eva as a rogue agent that threatens the fragile “peace” between the various assassin orders and the sect, prompting eventually to call upon her the “Baba Yaga”, Joh Wick himself…

Not too original, as expected, but honestly i did enjoy this more than John Wick 4, as it strikes a better balance between the straightforward revenge plot beats, the over the top yet not 100 % detatched from reality style of violent action and the whole comic-book style worldbuilding.

Ballerina definitely understands the appeal and what works of the John Wick formula, manages to expand the lore a bit while also not overusing John Wick itself, even though it takes a bit for the movie to get fully into gear.

[EXPRESSO] The Dark Nightmare/Nightmare AKA Marerittet (2022) | I Would Like To See The Baby

Jokes about the generic ass title (which is ironically even more generic in his original Norvegian title, Marerittet, “Nightmare”) aside.. actually no, the plot is also pretty generic, concerning a woman that moves into a suspiciously cheap large apartment, only to be tormented in her dreams by an entity, with the secrets behind the apartment and the demon eventually coming out…

Yeah, we’re not starting off exactly with a bang, this sound exactly like the generic template for a horror thriller movie about the supernatural one would use to parody it or use in order to subvert expectations, but its not any of that, it’s a straightforward affair, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.

Especially since when, as the plot develops, things get a bit interesting, since it’s an incubus situation through and through, and it also basically goes into The Exorcist 2-The Manitou territory as well, with the involvement of a “dream machine situation” of sorts, so its worth sticking through the fairly bog standard set up and see it through, despite some hiccups and cliches, the acting is decent, the pacing is fine, the characters are surprisingly smarter than warranted, plus i do like the balls of having an actually ambigous ending that serves to intrigue instead of sequel baiting or “bad ending” for the sake of it.

I was gonna say that i’m not too surprised this was “dumped” in theathers here during a national ticket price reductions… but actually i kinda am, this is surprisingly decent, there are some solid special effects, and in spite of its deceivingly generic setup (and it being a bit too reliant on some clichès) there is some ambition.

Nothing great or unfor, but it’s better than most of the stuff Blumhouse puts out in theathers, for example.

Aquaslash (2019) [REVIEW] | Slasher Action Park

What a waste of time.

I could have made a longer lead up to that, but sadly this one it’s just a sour disappointment, even going in just expecting it to be an enjoyable teen slasher set in an aquatic park, setting the bar fairly low but in a way that’s reasonable.

Cool title, but i’m not being too hyperbolic when i say it feels like a waste of time, period, since 80 % of Aquaslash it’s build up for the slipslide kills, and by “build up” i mean a lot of exagerrated romantic drama with deliberately exaggerated douchy teens and asshole adults characters, and a lot of cliches, which would be fine if the pay off was worth it… it ain’t.

Continua a leggere

Maneater (2022) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

Some “fresh” meat from…. 3 years ago. Yum.

Another one i randomly bought new for cheap on DVD via Amazon, sight unseen, because my hunger for shark movies it’s apparently endless.

Written and directed by Justin Lee, Maneater’s plot is pretty much the usual affair when talking modern shark movies: a group of friends go on vacation, board a boat that brings them to a remote deserted island where to get their party on, shark happens and it’s one that developed a knack (leave Mark Cerny alone) for human flesh.

This time we don’t have teens, but people in the 30s that have been married or just concluded a long education path, which is something different, i guess, especially since the movie doesn’t have the asshole that fucks everything that moves, or cheating bullshit to pad out the human drama parts, with a subplot involving an old fisherman that harbours vengeance as great white sharks took not only his wife but also recently his daughter.

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[EXPRESSO] The Ritual (2025) | Al Pacino, Exorcist

Oh look, another exorcism movie…. BUT WAIT, this one has Al Pacino as an exorcist (and Dan Stevens as the head priest) in it!

…. i mean, that’s about the best selling point it has, but i want to make clear this isn’t a bad film.

It’s just another one. Sure, it is based on the 1928 exorcism of Emma Schmidt, one of the more documented cases of this kind, but that barely matters, as “based on real events” for exorcism movies feels like saying “the new first openly LBGT-ish Disney character” by now.

No point in discussing the plot, it’s what you expect by now: woman that seems possessed but has been unable to be helped by medical science is carried to a convent, where they call an exorcist in order to save her soul, attempting to do so in a series of rituals. The demon talks in Latin and other languages, pukes, abuses the woman’s body, the head priest aiding “Al Exorcino” has emotional baggage that makes his faith waver, etc etc.

Really nothing that you haven’t seen before, at all.

And while i do struggle to think how exorcism movie could innovate or improve… this one on one hand feels a bit more grounded and it not going for the cheap jumpscares, but on the flipside even the exorcism weird shit is too familiar to make much on an impact, and not extreme to satisfy horror fans that wanna see something more gruesome or weird or outthere.

Again, i feel this horror subgenre has nothing left to say, but i will admit this ain’t bad, i found myself more involved by the end than i would have expected, the acting is better than usual, the cast is too, but it’s too formulaic and forgettable to recommend.

Popeye’s Revenge (2025) [REVIEW] | Hamburger Friday The 13th

Surprise!

As i said prefacing the review for Popeye The Slayer Man, i’m not gonna change the schedule for these films, but since i also don’t want to have these hanging off the “to do” list like dingleberries, we’re doing overtime.. well, I am doing overtime, let’s cover these now and hope i won’t have to do another round of Popeye-xploitation in the fall.

And yes, i guess i should have done this before Popeye The Slayer Man, since it came out earlier and it’s actually the first one to capitalize on Popeye’s character falling into public domain (the other free idea bucket alongside mythology), and surprising no one it’s by one of the production companies behind the Winnie Pooh Blood And Honey movies (though it’s not part of their Twisted Childhood Universe), heck, it’s written by Harry Boxley (Dinosaur Hotel 3, Jurassic Triangle, Tsunami Sharks, and of course a couple of the Steamboat Willy-xploitation flicks, Mouseboat Massacre and Mouse Of Horrors), and directed by William Stead, curiously not his feature lenght debut, as directed something called “Children Of The Night” back in 2023.

The plot is that in a UK coastal town, a boy with abnormal arms and a pronounced chin is born, his appereance leading to him getting relentelessly getting bullied at school (where he often dons his sailor outfit), until one day he snaps and fights back, killing one of his bullies.

His parents hide him in the basement for his own good, but the townspeople form an angry mob and they torch down Popeye’s family home, with his parents dying in the fire and apparently him drowning in a nearby lake.

Years later some douchy young adults inherit the house, unaware of his dark history, but as they try to settle in more and more of them keep disappearing off…

You know what this sounds like?

Continua a leggere

Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) [REVIEW] | Yams The Dark Ages

We’re doing this now because honestly these are not worth having to change most of the blog’s schedule, as yes, this is another subchapter in the “public domainxploitation” saga, after the Steambot Willy version of Mickey Mouse and previously the Pooh character from Winnie The Pooh were preyed upon by the evergrowing amount of horror hacks.

And sincer this is just one of the 3 Popeye horror films made and released this year, “hacks” i feel is the right term, you don’t get to pretend otherwise when you actually makes films of this ilk.

Also yes, i am quite late to the partay, since these films were released starting from late February onwards, but i did not known Popeye was gonna be forcedfully made to join the trend until a saw a poster for this film in late May.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Mission Impossible: Final Reckoning (2025) | MISSION ALL OVER!(?)

Dropping the “Part 2” from the title, Mission Impossible Final Reckoning is still the direction continuation of the previous film, Dead Reckoning (with a recap of that films events further making clear it was planned as a two parter), that had Ethan Hunt and his team having to go rogue in order to escape the grasp of an IA program (dubbed “The Entity”) that accidentally gained sentience and spread itself all over the globe’s networks, bringing the national networks into chaos, fanning the flames of war, etc.

After the agent working for the Entity, Gabriel, manages to retrieve the “counter program”, Hunt and his team are forced into a desperate gambit to try and retrieve the Entity’s source code (still lost in a sunken submarine near Russian waters), retrieve the counter program from Gabriel, and outsmart the Entity, before it hacks every major nations’ nuclear arsenal and sink the globe into full on nuclear holocaust….

Honestly, i’m kinda impressive how the formula still works wonders, keeping that specific concoction of high octane action, death-defying chases, occasional comedy and espionage extravaganza, straddling the lines between realistic and improbable action movie magic.

And of course, the reminder that Tom Cruise biggest superpower is not his defying the Reaper, but his ability to run on film.

It ain’t trying to revolutionize the genre, at all, but the plot does actually manage to resonate perfectly with today’ fears, without desperately trying to be modern, “hip”, and the execution is pretty damn good, making for a fun and sentimental sendoff of the series altogether, there’s actually a real sense of finality to it, as it ties or brings back events and characters from the older films, gives some closure, and honestly would be the perfect place to end it, or have Hunt/Cruise pass the baton.

[EXPRESSO] Drop (2025) | Dream [*] Distance

Christopher Langdon (Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse, Happy Death Day, Happy Death Day 2U, Freaky) is back, this time leaving aside the horror genre for a straight up thriller about a widowed therapist, Violet, whom goes on a date after years of being traumatized from her abusive past relationship, only to receive (via air-drop) threathening messages during the date, starting from annoying her with meme images but eventually ramping up to the mysterious contact showing he can kill her son if she doesn’t comply, and asking her to kill her date, among other things…

It’s a pretty simple (but not too simple) premise, mostly taking place in a highrise fancy restaurant, taking full advantage of the “restricted” location to great effect, as Violet (and the audience alongside her) tries to crack the mystery of whom is actually the killer hiding in plain sight, forced against absurds odds in a life-or-death situation when she’s constantly monitored, to parse through what might or not be red herrings, and to keep up the facade in spite of everything, which also forces Violet to confront her past abuse…

It’s pretty intense, captivating, acting is quite good, there’s actually more to the plot (that i won’t spoil), the characters are quite good (even the secondary ones like the hammy waiter/actor-to-be are funny or cute), it’s exactly as long as it needs to be (where i could easily have seen this being forced to be 2 hours or something like that nowadays), and there’s no absurd twist just for the sake of “outsmarting” the audience….. there is that scene, the one that’s in most trailers (you’ll recognize it when you see it), that’s kinda ridiculous, but its a minor niggle, especially since it helps in making thing even more entertaining in the final act.

Recommended.

[EXPRESSO] Until Dawn (2025) | Happy Bloody New Death Day

An Until Dawn movie adaptation might sound stupid, and pointless… it does, but this isn’t an adaptation of the main storyline of Supermassive Games’ title, it’s actually a standalone story allegedly taking place in the Until Dawn universe,

Kinda funny (and stupid) to have the film adaptation of a game that had systems built in to ensure you lived through the decisions you made… have the central gimmick being a time loop, with the idea being that every time the teens (come to a visitor centre in the valley where Melanie, Clover’s sister, mysteriously disappeared a 1 year prior) are killed they change horror subgenre, chased by cursed zombie like creatures and masked killers, the only escape being in them managing to survive until dawn.

Nifty idea, but still, it only kinda makes sense only when you consider this from the macro level of Supermassive Games’ various efforts in the “cinematic adventure game” fashion, and even so, it’s a stretch, let’s be real, this feels more like a rejected Happy Death Day (or Bloody New Year) style script – directed though by David F. Sandberg of Lights Out and Shazam fame – that got the Until Dawn branding (and a couple of touch ups to make sure something from the game made the cut) slapped on it mid-way through production, to ensure this get more butts in theathers.

I will admit the new gimmick laid on top sounds really fun and kinda mirrors the game’s using various elements from slashers of different eras all together… shame they give up mid-way on their own selling point (boy they do skimp on the “subgenre change” concept), but for what it ultimately is, the “Until Dawn” movie’s got decent acting, it’s entertaining, has some good gore effects, making for a decent time overall.