Land Shark (2017) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

As we learned through years of shark movies, pretty much anything goes, especially as the budgets move closer to zero, even in these cases you can do a poster that’s way better than the movie could ever be, at the very least. Money is important, but lacking it can’t stop you making your movies about shark of any kind or type, as we already saw in Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast.

It’s another Mark Polonia film, but it’s one that immediatly, even after hundreds of these no budget sharks film (often made by him or his friends-colleagues), does make one stop and reflect on the fact that – maybe, maybe – this is crossing some unspoken line or etiquette, even amongst this kind of shark film, when you make a rip-off of Sand Sharks.

And also of Super Shark, which had a giant shark somehow moving on land, but that one was actually so craptastic to be memorable, both movies far older than this, so one has to wonder if – maybe – it wasn’t intentional, but i find it hard to believe the Polonia Brothers (of all people) weren’t aware of previous movies like Sand Sharks. To be more correct, i simply don’t.

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[EXPRESSO] M3GAN 2.0 (2025) | Panzer Kunt

2 years after the M3GAN killer robot was destroyed, her creator, Gemma, moved on and kept working in robotics while advocating for more cautious laws about IA, while taking care of her niece Cady, but unknown to them, someone stole M3GAN technology and created another killer robot, AMELIA, which has gone rogue and start killing anyone involved with the project.

M3GAN, whom has been hiding in their home cloud network, springs back to alert Gemma she could be next, and that if they want to have a chance of stopping AMELIA killing her and her niece, they need to graft M3GAN a new robot body, even more as the stakes quickly escalate…

Yeah, it’s not really a horror movie anymore, the gore is still pretty graphic but the tone is completely different, going basically for a ubercharged pastiche that skips a lot of modern narration to go for satirical and autoironical, which still has that 90s sci fi-horror aesthetic, as it’s a bit Robocop, a bit Ghost In The Shell, Matrix, Terminator, heck, you can even feel drafts of Alita Battle Angel, with M3GAN basically needing a new berserker body to fight.

It does manage to develop further the characters from the previous film, especially M3GAN herself, and it all does work since she’s indeed “the bitch”, “the slay queen”, she is incredibly fun to see in action and sells it.

If you expect a more in-depth critique of modern use of IA, or a more conservative sequel that’s actually a horror film, you might detest this one, which is understandable but honestly i do commend the effort to keep it fresh and not just rehash the first film, since it does embrace his deliberate sarcastic detour into action sci-fi, and for what it is, it’s a riot, hugely entertaining.

Forbidden Fish Is The Sweetest/ Ningyohime no Gomen ne Gohan AKA The Cannibal Siren [MANGA REVIEW] | Era No Uta

I’d usually go by the official English name of a manga series first, but in this case i’m gonna have to use the localized title publisher JPOP chose for the Italian release, La Sirena Cannibale (The Cannibal Siren), which is actually even better than the original, Ningyohime no Gomen ne Gohan , translating literally to “The Mermaid Princess’ Guilty Meal”, even the latter is more descriptive (and sounds better in Japanese due to the allitteration).

I guess it made more sense given how Italy hugely/almost entirely created and fed the 60s “cannibal boom” in cinema, but i do like it better, sometimes localized titles here can be deceiving, excessively forward (to the point of “spoiling” any surprise effect) or just absurd, but THIS is the kind of “to the point” title that makes sense, so i’m gonna that for the rest of the review.

Written by Hiroshi Noda and illustrated by Takahiro Wakamatsu (also behind Love After World Domination and No Longer Allowed In Another World), The Cannibal Siren is about the mermaid princess Era, who lives happily in the ocean with her fish friends, beloved by all in the undersea kingdom, all is well… until one of her friends get fished out by humans.

She then runs (transforming her fish tail into legs, as mermaids do) to the surface in incognito to pay the final respects, seeing her friend being served by the nearby sushi restaurant, but then, prompted by a patron that jokingly encourages her to eat it – and i quote – “otherwise it won’t go to heaven”, she tries, and finds out she finds it delicious.

Then she begins spiraling out in a cannibalistic frenzy, ready to jump ashore to eat whichever of her subjects is fished out and served on a plate, all on the hush and despite knowing how she is a monster for doing that.

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[EXPRESSO] Heart Eyes (2025) | Serial Seattle Slasher

I kept myself in the dark as could about this one, for a change, but indeed i do understand why it was discussed and looked forward to.

The short of it is that Heart Eyes is what one could expect old slasher like My Bloody Valentine to be about, as in, it’s indeed about a masked serial killer that kills people on Valentine’s Day, but this isn’t more or less random theming to help marketing when it’s not actually relevant to the plot, this is a serial killer that specifically prays on couple every Valentine’s Day, and its killing spree have become a tradition of sorts, dreaded and dubbed as the “Heart Eyes killer” by the press.

This time he targets two co-workers that are trying to figure out if there actually could be something between the two when out for a dinner “date”, forcing the two to try and survive the night….

It’s a pretty simple set up but it gets more interesting than it sounds since the movie is also a romantic comedy, and thankfully the script co-writed by Christopher Langdon (Happy Death Day, Freaky, Drop) is able to balance out both the romance and the comedy horror aspects, while also delivering on the graphic violence with great gore effects and some really fun kills, coexisting with the genre-savvy dialogues and attitudes that never clash against each others, harvesting the classic slasher tropes for some fun twists and somehow being able to avoid padding, making for a succint, to the point approach to both the slasher and romance genres that’s witty without straight up brownosing itself.

The killer is also surprisingly fun to see in action, nothing original, but executed in a fashion that harnesses the cliches in a familiar but still fun, slightly fresher and satisfying way.

[EXPRESSO] The Dark Nightmare/Nightmare AKA Marerittet (2022) | I Would Like To See The Baby

Jokes about the generic ass title (which is ironically even more generic in his original Norvegian title, Marerittet, “Nightmare”) aside.. actually no, the plot is also pretty generic, concerning a woman that moves into a suspiciously cheap large apartment, only to be tormented in her dreams by an entity, with the secrets behind the apartment and the demon eventually coming out…

Yeah, we’re not starting off exactly with a bang, this sound exactly like the generic template for a horror thriller movie about the supernatural one would use to parody it or use in order to subvert expectations, but its not any of that, it’s a straightforward affair, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.

Especially since when, as the plot develops, things get a bit interesting, since it’s an incubus situation through and through, and it also basically goes into The Exorcist 2-The Manitou territory as well, with the involvement of a “dream machine situation” of sorts, so its worth sticking through the fairly bog standard set up and see it through, despite some hiccups and cliches, the acting is decent, the pacing is fine, the characters are surprisingly smarter than warranted, plus i do like the balls of having an actually ambigous ending that serves to intrigue instead of sequel baiting or “bad ending” for the sake of it.

I was gonna say that i’m not too surprised this was “dumped” in theathers here during a national ticket price reductions… but actually i kinda am, this is surprisingly decent, there are some solid special effects, and in spite of its deceivingly generic setup (and it being a bit too reliant on some clichès) there is some ambition.

Nothing great or unfor, but it’s better than most of the stuff Blumhouse puts out in theathers, for example.

Aquaslash (2019) [REVIEW] | Slasher Action Park

What a waste of time.

I could have made a longer lead up to that, but sadly this one it’s just a sour disappointment, even going in just expecting it to be an enjoyable teen slasher set in an aquatic park, setting the bar fairly low but in a way that’s reasonable.

Cool title, but i’m not being too hyperbolic when i say it feels like a waste of time, period, since 80 % of Aquaslash it’s build up for the slipslide kills, and by “build up” i mean a lot of exagerrated romantic drama with deliberately exaggerated douchy teens and asshole adults characters, and a lot of cliches, which would be fine if the pay off was worth it… it ain’t.

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Shiver Me Timbers (2025) [REVIEW] | Night Of The Sailor Comet

As the time of writing (and posting, since i improvised this trifecta of Popeye horror films’ reviews) this is the more recent in the batch of 3 horror films based around Popeye’s copyright falling into the public domain that were basically dumped on VOD, all released in a matter of months (or weeks) from one another, and while i’m fairly sure there by September (to be very generous) this specific declination of the fad will have died down due to diminishing returns (since it’s the third time, after Winnie The Pooh and Steamboat Willy’s Mickey Mouse) … i’m not putting this mini-marathon of modern “public domainxploitaition” in “extend mode” if another one or more of these eventually crop up, i’m not playing catch-up anymore.

So let’s see how Shiver Me Timbers, the debut film for director-writer Paul Stephen-Mann, fares out.

In the summer of 1986, a group of friends, led by Olive Oil and her brother Castor, are going on a trip in Northern California to witness the rare Haley’s comet meteor shower event, but they couldn’t expect that a comet piece would fall to the ground that night, a piece lodging itself into the corncob pipe of a reclusive fisherman living nearby, Popeye, now turned into a monstrous, violent killer with superhuman strenght, ready to sate its bloodthirst on Olive and his friends..

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Maneater (2022) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

Some “fresh” meat from…. 3 years ago. Yum.

Another one i randomly bought new for cheap on DVD via Amazon, sight unseen, because my hunger for shark movies it’s apparently endless.

Written and directed by Justin Lee, Maneater’s plot is pretty much the usual affair when talking modern shark movies: a group of friends go on vacation, board a boat that brings them to a remote deserted island where to get their party on, shark happens and it’s one that developed a knack (leave Mark Cerny alone) for human flesh.

This time we don’t have teens, but people in the 30s that have been married or just concluded a long education path, which is something different, i guess, especially since the movie doesn’t have the asshole that fucks everything that moves, or cheating bullshit to pad out the human drama parts, with a subplot involving an old fisherman that harbours vengeance as great white sharks took not only his wife but also recently his daughter.

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[EXPRESSO] The Ritual (2025) | Al Pacino, Exorcist

Oh look, another exorcism movie…. BUT WAIT, this one has Al Pacino as an exorcist (and Dan Stevens as the head priest) in it!

…. i mean, that’s about the best selling point it has, but i want to make clear this isn’t a bad film.

It’s just another one. Sure, it is based on the 1928 exorcism of Emma Schmidt, one of the more documented cases of this kind, but that barely matters, as “based on real events” for exorcism movies feels like saying “the new first openly LBGT-ish Disney character” by now.

No point in discussing the plot, it’s what you expect by now: woman that seems possessed but has been unable to be helped by medical science is carried to a convent, where they call an exorcist in order to save her soul, attempting to do so in a series of rituals. The demon talks in Latin and other languages, pukes, abuses the woman’s body, the head priest aiding “Al Exorcino” has emotional baggage that makes his faith waver, etc etc.

Really nothing that you haven’t seen before, at all.

And while i do struggle to think how exorcism movie could innovate or improve… this one on one hand feels a bit more grounded and it not going for the cheap jumpscares, but on the flipside even the exorcism weird shit is too familiar to make much on an impact, and not extreme to satisfy horror fans that wanna see something more gruesome or weird or outthere.

Again, i feel this horror subgenre has nothing left to say, but i will admit this ain’t bad, i found myself more involved by the end than i would have expected, the acting is better than usual, the cast is too, but it’s too formulaic and forgettable to recommend.

Popeye’s Revenge (2025) [REVIEW] | Hamburger Friday The 13th

Surprise!

As i said prefacing the review for Popeye The Slayer Man, i’m not gonna change the schedule for these films, but since i also don’t want to have these hanging off the “to do” list like dingleberries, we’re doing overtime.. well, I am doing overtime, let’s cover these now and hope i won’t have to do another round of Popeye-xploitation in the fall.

And yes, i guess i should have done this before Popeye The Slayer Man, since it came out earlier and it’s actually the first one to capitalize on Popeye’s character falling into public domain (the other free idea bucket alongside mythology), and surprising no one it’s by one of the production companies behind the Winnie Pooh Blood And Honey movies (though it’s not part of their Twisted Childhood Universe), heck, it’s written by Harry Boxley (Dinosaur Hotel 3, Jurassic Triangle, Tsunami Sharks, and of course a couple of the Steamboat Willy-xploitation flicks, Mouseboat Massacre and Mouse Of Horrors), and directed by William Stead, curiously not his feature lenght debut, as directed something called “Children Of The Night” back in 2023.

The plot is that in a UK coastal town, a boy with abnormal arms and a pronounced chin is born, his appereance leading to him getting relentelessly getting bullied at school (where he often dons his sailor outfit), until one day he snaps and fights back, killing one of his bullies.

His parents hide him in the basement for his own good, but the townspeople form an angry mob and they torch down Popeye’s family home, with his parents dying in the fire and apparently him drowning in a nearby lake.

Years later some douchy young adults inherit the house, unaware of his dark history, but as they try to settle in more and more of them keep disappearing off…

You know what this sounds like?

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