[EXPRESSO] The Monkey (2025) | FAQING MONKY

After bringing about a Manson-esque supernatural horror with Longlegs, Oz Perkins is back with an adaptation of Stephen King’s short story The Monkey, about – indeed – a cursed mechanical wind-up toy monkey (no cimbals, but a good ol’ drum & stick set) that is able kill off people via convenient incidents, found by a couple of brothers as it belonged to their father, who ran off home years ago. They find out there’s something about the monkey toy and the deaths that seem to happened with eerie timing, so they decide to hide it away.

25 years later, mysterious deaths start happening again in the brother’s hometown of Casco, Maine (ah yes, the inland, Jessica Fletcher-free part of it), forcing the two siblings, whom has grown strangers to each other, to settle that dark secret from their past….

And boy is this one a good time, as it goes for a deliberately over the top comedy horror tone, which works splendidly with the very blasè existentialist dark humour, and doesn’t waste time trying to make more complex or apply “logic” to a concept that defies it, because the idea of a djinn/genie that can basically dish out death without having to twist around the words of the people making the wishes doesn’t make sense either.

The toy monkey won’t care what you think (or want) either way.

The characters and exchanges are delightfully over the top in some way or another (while reserving some time for more serious, emotional moments), as are the many gory deaths, as gruesome as they are funny, with people exploding into pieces, torn apart by lawnmowers, being brutally impaled via a series of absurd little accidents, the effects are great too, and it doesn’t overstays its welcome by padding itself out.

Quite fun, recommended.

Daimaijin (1966) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

Told you we were gonna talk about Daimajin sooner or later!

Nevermind it tooks at least 4 years, but we’re at least giving sense to the old announcement wish i did about reviewing Arrow Video releases, because they did release the entire Daimajin trilogy in a cool boxset some years ago, and i highly recommend it, but for time constraints and to make space for other entries this Giant Monster March, today we’re just gonna look at the original 1966 film, simply called Daimajin, which translates to “Great Demon God”.

Back before they went bankrupt and death-farted themselves out of business with the final Gamera film, Daiei Films did compete with Toho in the “big frigging monsters” market and were pretty aggressive/active, as they pretty much commissioned and filmed all three Daimajin films back to back and released them in the span of mere months in 1966, which is impressive.

But also probably why they did eventually go bankrupt, to some extent, since they were pumping out tokusatsu features and Gamera films like there was no tomorrow… which eventually got them there, but hindsight makes everyone sounds wiser, so whatever, but the Daimajin did start out as the first foe to battle Gamera, inspired by 1936 Le Golem, but obviously that idea didn’t pan out.

While the crew was the same for all 3 films, the directors were not, and also due to this insane schedule, it’s not surprising they have similar plots involving the titular kaiju, the Daimajin, this kabuto clad stone golem demon god, to whom people come praying he saves their village by some invading warlords or something along these lines.

Continua a leggere

Hex Maniacs, Shreks, and the Tecmo Koei Warriors From Hell (Deathstalker not included)

Time for more unasked general ramble posts, mother’s favorites.

So we finally got that Pokemon Presents (AKA the Pokemon Direct) a few days ago, and alongside them bringing back a successor of sorts for Pokemon Stadium (might as well, since the NSO rerelease of the N64 games are just emulated versions that can’t connect to any active Pokemon system/software/archive-bank in order to substitute the original “Transfer Pak and Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow cartridge” method to import , hence are truncated experiences), the highlight was undoubtly the first actual trailer and gameplay footage for Legends Pokemon ZA, which will bring us back to Pokemon X & Y region, Kalos, now expanded and incorporating wild/unkempt areas for the wild Pokemon to roam about.

And count on the Pokemon fanbase to find what’s likely the new design for the Hex Maniac trainer class in a ridiculously tiny smidge on the Kalos map image they revealed.

Continua a leggere

E’ Gia Ieri AKA Storks Day (2004) [REVIEW] | Groundhog Days

Groundhog Day it’s a movie that doesn’t need introduction, maybe even less a review.

You might know they did actually make a sequel to that beloved Bill Murray led film… in form of a VR only game, Groundhog Day: Like Father, Like Son…. most likely you’ve never heard of it before i just mentioned it now.

But we’re not reviewing that either.

For some variety we’re instead talking about the 2004 Italian (technically an Italian-Spanish production) remake of Groundhog Day, which i’m fairly sure no one that isn’t Italian has never heard in any shape or form, called “E’ Gia Ieri”, literally translation being “It’s Tomorrow Already” but it also goes by the international English title of “Stork Day”, which sounds iffy even it’s about as accurate and correct as it would/could realistically be for an alternate English title meant for foreign markets.

You most likely already guessed why that is the case, but let’s talk plot first.

Also, just saying it now, but yes, SPOILERS of a 32 years old movie that’s far from obscure are gonna happen.

Continua a leggere

Bloody New Year (1987) [REVIEW] | The Evil Dead Spooktacular Fun Fair Knock-off-O-Rama

I know i was supposed to rewrite/revise or straight up redo old reviews for the rest of January, but since i usually don’t do it due 12 Days Of Dino December filling up the slots, i’ve figured i still would write a brand new review, about one of the few “New Year’s Eve” themed holiday 80s slashers.

No, not that one, we’re doing Bloody New Year.

Yeah, it’s a cop-out since it’s almost February, but whatever, consider it a freebie of sorts, a Spooktacular Eight review but in January, if you prefer.

Regardless, yes, surprisingly this subniche of holiday horror hasn’t been mined.. at all, without doing some research i struggle to come up with any more of “new year’s slashers” that isn’t the other one i alluded to before, New Year’s Evil.

That one is far more memorable and actually features prominently the “new year’s eve” as part of the plot…. this is Bloody New Year.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Bagman (2024) | “I Know You, That’s My Purse!”

While i don’t want to preventively brand any horror movie releasing in January as “filler”…. this is clearly a holdover of last year’s that Lionsgate put out now in theathers, without much fanfare.

Funnily enough, it’s not even that bad of a film.

It’s the typical “boogeyman bingo” story, with a mother/father thas has to confront something dark from his past before it can harm its child, in this case “Bagman”, dubbed as such by the father, Patrick, that encountered it once before, and now seems to be back to stalk his family, especially his son Jake, etc etc.

I was ready to joke about how the parents are so stupid they might as well wear t-shirts with “postnatal abortion supporter” written on it.. but they’re not even that dumb, to be honest, the promise has some potential, it’s technically well put together, but.. it’s also EXACTLY the kind of movie you get from the “The [noun/adjective] Man” joke.

On the positive side it’s not boring, it’s short, the acting is decent, there is some ok atmosphere to it all, i kinda like the villain…but the pacing is all over the place, the plot just kinda scatters about, the jumpscares are limp, the characters just eventually become too conviently stupid even for the genre, and you’ll more likely be startled and annoyed by sudden deafining bullshit, like the one the kid makes with its forsaken flute.

Honestly, it’s about what i expected going on, though there was actually something to work off with here to actually make for a ok or decent film, but it all gets lost in generic horror tropes and cliches.

I will have to go with a “slightly subpar” rating because it’s too generic and doesn’t really add anything worthwhile or novel to the bogeyman formula.

[EXPRESSO] Wolf Man (2025) | “Get away you weirdo monkey man!!”

Leigh Whannell continues his “remake rumpus” of the classic monsters following up his 2020 releaed The Invisible Man (and the whole Dark Universe failure) with his take on the Wolf Man.

The story revolves around a family on vacation in a house in the woods of Oregon, with the father trying to use the unfortunate circumstances that brought them there in order to mend his strained family situation, then being bitten by a strange animal while protecting his wife and daughter, and gradually transforming into a beastly creature…

The themes of “sins of the father/parental neglect-abuse” are interesting for a werewolf film, as it the idea to opt for body horror, to focus on the slow transformation to parallel the father’s descent into the brutal, alienated and alienating monster that once walked the skin of a man, and i’d never felt like the idea didn’t work or the script didn’t quite click, nor like there was some “filler”.

Nothing like that.

Honestly, it’s far from bad, but it also frustates me as being so close to being straight up a good, because it’s quite decent but it’s bogged down by feeling honestly uneven, starting good, delivering on the tension, on the claustrophobic atmosphere, even managing to make you care more than you’d wager about these characters that at a first glance feel generic… and honestly never proper bloom, despite the good acting, especially by Christopher Abbott (yes, funnily enough) as the father.

That combined with some questionable special effects, some retreads on cliches, the movie never achieves the emotional depth it soughts to, so it ends up feeling incomplete, like something is plain missing, uneven in execution and underdeveloped where it counts in spite of clear effort.

Not bad, at all, just… kinda disappointing, especially considering the talent involved.

Pity.

[EXPRESSO] Nosferatu (2024) | Orlok Spelled Forward

I have been waiting for this one a LOT, i made no mistery of it, and why should i?

Robert Eggers doing a remake/new version of horror silent classic Nosferatu, i shouldn’t even need to add more than that. And i won’t.

But yes, it might sound strange to younger horror fans, it’s a new version of an early unauthorized Dracula adaptation that was considered lost for decades, only to resurface and become a silent horror film classic on its own, so i guess there’s little point discussing the plot too much, it’s literally Dracula.

I mean, there’s no denying around that, but Eggers version actually manages the near impossible, as it captures the original film dreamlike quality while also giving it a new spin to the material (while also featuring most of the classic scenes of Dracula adaptations), going for a psychosexual horror thriller that on the surface might remind some of Coppola’s Dracula adaptation, while there’s no baroque romanticism, over the top hairdos or extra fancy costumes.

This count Orlok is a fuckin disgusting, feral beast with a sexual appetite stronger than death, an obsessive lust that never betrays any empathy behind the desire itself of this cursed cadaver and whoever is unfortunate enought to be in its path to obtain it.

I mean, it sounds like an obvious perfect match of a movie to (re)do for a renowed director that specializes in bleak gothic horror thrillers, and i’m just gonna cut the shit, Nosferatu lives up to the high expectations it reasonably fostered since it was announced, in pretty much every regard, and yes, the amazing cast features yet again William Dafoe (and a great Nicholas Hoult) after The Lighthouse.

Intense, repulsive and beautifully bleak, an amazing film and a great remake as well.

Highly recommended.

Final Verdict: Java

[EXPRESSO] Cobweb (2023) | Content’s Gonna Content

So yeah, why i’m reviewing this now, since it released in 2023?

Because i watched it some days ago, a casual watch on Netflix without any plan beyond that, but i’d figured doing an EXPRESSO review of it would be better than reworking another old review.

So yeah, Cobweb. Peter (not that one) is a shy boy raised by his overprotective parents, and one day hears noises coming from his inside his bedroom walls. Then the noises become a voice distinctly calls out to him…..

Being Samuel Bodin’s directorial debut, it’s not bad, it’s not definitely not boring, i’ll say that much, though it’s definitely one of those horror films where you can easily trace back the many Frankenstein-ed body parts it borrows, pillaging from The Exorcist, the 2000’s J-Horror trend, the parents having dark secrets they hide from the boy, aping Babadook, etc.

It’s utterly derivative to the bone, but to its credit, it does almost manage to mix the archetypes and cliches into something of its own, and while it’s perfectly predictable all the way, the execution is solid, there are some nice ideas, a decent atmosphere that’s very in the vein of the Grimm fairytales, some creepy moments, acting is quite good, so even it feels familiar, it’s quite entertaining enough that you wanna see it through even if you correctly guessed where it’s going in the first 20 minutes.

Sadly all these ideas and inspirations never come fully together, and i would have still given it a “decent” rating if it wasn’t for the ending, which actually crystalizes the issue of “vagueness for vagueness” sake and honestly feel like they stopped 1 scene earlier than planned.

Even so, it’s quite an ok watch, it’s arguably better than most of the latest Blumhouse theatharical releases, for example.

[EXPRESSO] Awaria STEAM | Ghostsmoochers Inc.

After taking the internet by storm with “Johnny Bravo goes to hell for a demon girl harem” AKA Helltaker, vanripper is back with a new game on Steam, Awaria, sporting a new original soundtrack by Mittsies, and being more of a bullet hell- action puzzle game thing “about working in a haunted maintance tunnel”, which yes, means ghost girls to talk, interact and sometimes kiss, though, the Steam page content warning makes it clear by saying “it’s all tame”. It is. Pretty cute designs, still.

It also has the same business model as Helltaker, as in it’s free, but to support the developer you can buy the optional DLC as a “thank you”, which also nets you a digital artbook and a Babezki (a kind of Polish muffin) recipe, but again, you can also unlock the same content in the in-game gallery.

Gameplay is pretty frantic, and has you move your character about to collect items, activate item printers and interact with broken generators, requiring certain items to be fixed in a limited time, while avoiding the ghost girls attacking you, as you die in one hit, a drone will take a hit for you and respawn every 10 seconds, which are lot more than they sound given you’ll need to be constantly zipping around the level.

It’s a 2 hours affair, a bit more if you want to finish the game on Hard difficulty and unlock everything, but it’s quite intense, the gameplay is easy to learn but actually challenging and rewarding, the final boss levels this time around are better designed (as is the game overall compared to Helltaker), Mittsies soundtrack is another banger, pity for the sometimes laggy performance, but it maybe be my old rig.

Once again, i highly recommend playing it and supporting everyone involved.