Trollhunter (2010) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

Aside from the 2022 Troll monster film on Netflix, there’s not much in the way of troll movies outside of the overcovered Troll 2 (and it’s “prequels” and “sequels” also mostly made by Italian directors and actors), even more so if we’re going for proper giant sized trolls, not the tiny ones, or the Dreamworks animated film series based on those old troll toys with the hair, for that matter.

Also, i had this on the backburner for a while, and it also lets me cover of my lest liked genres: the found footage mockumentary.

Directed by André Øvredal, nowadays better known for The Autopsy Of Jane Doe, Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark and The Last Voyage of The Demeter (with an upcoming adaptation of the horror videogame Bendy And The Ink Machine) here at his second feature lenght film, one more close to home for him, as it dwelves with the more well known beast of Norwegian folklore: the troll.

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[EXPRESSO] Mickey 17 (2025) | Hardspace Shipbreaker Multiplicity

From Bong Joon-Ho (Parasite, Snowpiercer, Okja), we now have Mickey 17, an intriguing original brew of comedy, drama, romance, sci-fi, takin place in the future, where a down on his luck guy, Mickey Barnes, finds himself – due to a huge debt – signing up as an “expendable” for this religious backed colony envoy led by a zealot ex-congressman (Mark Ruffalo), meaning that basically he’s used as a guinea pig to test viruses, be given deadly jobs in the cold of space and then the ice-laden planet they want to colonize, thrown against the wildlife.. doesn’t matter, as they keep back ups of all his memories and just 3D print him a new body when he inevitably kicks the bucket.

One day he’s just left to die in a icy crevice, but miracolously manages to find himself alive and travels back to the outpost, only to notice they didn’t wait around to clone him again…

It’s an interesting film because it can jump to having romantic comedy scenes to serious sci-fi drama, throwing blunt satirical boulders about class warfare, tense thriller scenes, and yet, despite it sounding like it should be a fuckin mess, it all comes together organically, as the star studded cast delivers an incredible range, making the characters believable, even with the wild swings in tone… minus the two main villains, the zealot fascist cult-leader and his fitting wife (Tony Colette), i get why they are so over the top, i do, but they stick out as way too cartoonishly evil (especially when everyone else has some complexity or grounding in this specific sci-fi reality), to the point they become a detriment to what is still a great movie.

It’s still a notable, engaging and interesting film that fully deserves to be seen in cinemas,

Avenzers: Italian Super Heroes (2023) [REVIEW] | Spaghetti-Fi: Endgame (ft. Anatar from the Anatar series)

Remember the bright minds behind the italian duck parody of Avatar, Anatar, one so stupid and cowardly it couldn’t even release before or close to the second Avatar movie it wanted to leech off?

No? Well, i did a review of Anatar, go read that. It’s definitely quite the something.

Today we’re talking shit. Super hero shit.

In one way, i can at least understand the idea of Anatar: it’s a mockbuster of a franchise that made gajillions and had a new movie coming out back then.

Tale as old as cinema itself.

This one is even more dead on arrival, it is when you do an Avengers parody, an Avengers Endgame parody after what feels like a decade since movie released, with Marvel still pumping them out to a public that notably was reasonably confused to see the sagas go on after something called “ENDGAME”, and reasonably tired of them trying to redo the same magic but cheaper, faster, taking for granted you just had to press the “redo button” to actually duplicate the success.

But it just fits, it’s that outdated, decades late to the party, or unaware that the building you rammed a tank through even had a party in it, that attitude defining most of the lowest fuckin italian media trash.

And like Anatar, Avenzers was outdated (moldy, even) the second it came out, and i still believe it actually releasing in theather is a psy-op of sorts, just gaslighting people into believing that it did receive a theathrical release, despite very few evidence to be found online, aside from an european theather chain, UCI Cinemas, advertising as it did with Anatar, and a report of it raking the miserable box office of 1.200 euros.

Which is so fuckin pathetic it ain’t even funny, just plain sad.

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Bloody New Year (1987) [REVIEW] | The Evil Dead Spooktacular Fun Fair Knock-off-O-Rama

I know i was supposed to rewrite/revise or straight up redo old reviews for the rest of January, but since i usually don’t do it due 12 Days Of Dino December filling up the slots, i’ve figured i still would write a brand new review, about one of the few “New Year’s Eve” themed holiday 80s slashers.

No, not that one, we’re doing Bloody New Year.

Yeah, it’s a cop-out since it’s almost February, but whatever, consider it a freebie of sorts, a Spooktacular Eight review but in January, if you prefer.

Regardless, yes, surprisingly this subniche of holiday horror hasn’t been mined.. at all, without doing some research i struggle to come up with any more of “new year’s slashers” that isn’t the other one i alluded to before, New Year’s Evil.

That one is far more memorable and actually features prominently the “new year’s eve” as part of the plot…. this is Bloody New Year.

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[EXPRESSO] Companion (2025) | “You got metal fever, boy!”

I was lucky enough to secure a couple of tickets for a preview screening of the new movie from the director of Barbarian, Companion, which will launch in most theathers next week, so here we go.

A modern tale of why you shouldn’t stick your dick in the toaster, even if you upgrade to “sex gynoid with the bahonkadonkas”, and especially you shouldn’t jailbreak the sexbot or hit it with the ol’ “not a real boy” spiel.

Iris and his boyfriend go to meet some friends at an isolated villa by the lake for a nice weekend, but little does she know they have a plan to rob the rich host and owner of the villa… because she known very little to begin with, as Iris is just an elaborate robot dutch wife, but after she’s framed by her “boyfriend/master” as the one to take the fall for the crimes that occur, with him pityingly telling her the truth about herself, she tries to escape and break free…

AKA the american remake of Iku: I, Robosex via Ex Machina we didn’t ask, nor we actually got, but it’s not a completely incorrect way of putting it, since it feels like someone watched Alex Garland movie and figured there was a way to make a black comedy horror romance film about misoginy, emancipation, agency and all the expected sci-fi themes coming with the gynoid/doll archetype, balancing the comedy and the horror to an impressive result.

I haven’t tried to hide the “reveal” since the marketing eventually gave away the twist (plus the movie itself doesn’t hide it much), but i’d say the movie it’s still quite strong, witty and engrossing even if you know it, since it has great performances, strong characters and great execution to “back that up”.

Pretty good.

Demolition Girl PS2 [REVIEW] | Attack Of The 50 Foot Dutch Wife

Tamsoft today might be working on big licenses like the Captain Tsubasa game they did for Namco Bandai, or the upcoming new Bleach fighting game, but i will never forget that they cut their teeth and for most of their career they were hacking out a lot of budget games for D3 Publisher, eventually making franchises with Oneechanbara, curating various hack n slash spin-offs of series like Neptunia (also, the cancelled Hinomaruko project, i remember) and working on pretty much all Senran Kagura titles in some fashion, even the later spin-offs.

But today we’re reminiscing (this is a rewrite, FIY) about one of their absolute worst titles ever, with Demolition Girl, one of the many titles they cranked out for PS2 in D3’s Simple 2000 Series, some already reviewed in these pages like Shogun’s Blade, others that might be worst revisiting and talking about again, as with the horrendous Deep Water (AKA The Daikaiju) and Zombie Attack, or freshly feature here, stuff like “Taxi Rider” or “Pink Pong”, i feel like i should clarify yes, they were brought over in NA and-or PAL territories with those titles for real, i’m not altering them for a lark.

As to why this one over so many shitty games from that era of the company… you’ll soon see.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #48: I Am T-Rex (2022)

Time to close off this year’s 12 Days Of Dino Dicember with a family/children dinosaur movie, one ailing from mainland China and also fairly recent, as in released originally in 2022 as “Wo shi ba wang long”(which i assume translates to “The Tyrannosaurus Rex”, as can be seen in its original Chinese theathrical poster) but localized/released online with the “I Am T-Rex” title.

It’s also a CG animated film, because we already had plenty of no budget puppet dinosaurs, some high quality (and some low ass quality) dinosaur stop motion animation, caveman boning of the implied kind, cannibal movies sold as dinosaur flicks, pseudodocumentaries, dinosaur comedies with yellowface or comedy bits that aged like the reptiles themselves, so for the sake of variety, let’s move away from all that shizzle.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #47: The Secret Of The Loch (1934)

Time for an oldie, and no, i don’t mean Gertie The Dinosaur (though eventually we’ll cover it), we’re “only” going back to the 1930’s with The Secret Of The Loch, released in the very same year the infamous “Surgeon’s Photo” depicting an unknown, plesiosaur-esque creature peaking out of the Loch Ness lake in Scotland, which in turn made more rumors and sightings of strange creatures around and about the lake go around, so jumping on the bandwagon was thing back then too.

As the infamous aforementioned photo allegedly depicting “Nessie” wasn’t 100 % proven to be a hoax until decades later, it helped set up what would become the entire thing of cryptozoology, but filmakers didn’t care to wait, gotta strike fast, so the British-based Ealing Studios did, with Milton Rosmer directing this comedy adventure film about the Loch Ness creature.

The first movie ever made about the cryptid in question, which nowadays it’s a rarely used subject, but eventually we had films about it like The Water Horse in 2007 or the more recent b-horror movie The Loch Ness Horror. As in, the one from 2023, not the one from 1981 also called that.

In terms of plot, The Secret Of The Loch is exactly what you’d think it would be, and displays some irony, because it’s about a nutty Scottish professor trying to prove the existence of the Loch Ness monster, in spite of everyone else calling him cuckoo for that, followed by a zany reporter that wants to get the scoop on the story.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #42: Caveman (1981)

Ah yes, the caveman movie with Ringo Starr, that was a thing, and honestly anything with actors or people that are actually known in the wider sphere of interests… it’s a welcome break from a lot cheap ass dinosaur flicks done with nobodies and with the cash of a ham sandwich, i’ve said this before but i’ll repeat myself since the 30 cents trash is by far the more numerically abudant.

Especially as it’s kind of ambitious for what’s conceptually just another cavemen comedy, as the main appeal is the cast, with Ringo Starr, Dennis Quaid, Barbara Bach, but it’s almost completely recited in “caveman language”, and in some theathers they even gave out a translation phamplet for 30 words in caveman lingo, which isn’t a complete gimmick since there is a sort of caveman dialect-vocabulary that’s recurring through the film, so no subtitles will ever be needed to watch it.

There is a plot of sorts, with Atouk, a caveman a bit too thinky and curious for its tribe, getting kicked out and joining a merry band of outcast cavemen, and with them they basically go on to improve themselves, invent fire, weapons, learn to walk not hunched like a baboon, all that stuff.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #38: Massacre In Dinosaur Valley (1985)

In a way, we’re breaking ourselves new ground in terms of dinosaur movies.

Technically.

What i’m getting at is that Massacre In Dinosaur Valley… doesn’t actually feature any dinosaur.

Come one, couldn’t even be arsed to reuse footage from a more recent dinosaur film? Sure as shit they couldn’t reuse footage from One Million B.C. Or the 1925 The Lost World, since this one is in color… because that would imply them spending time in colourizing the old b&w footage.

But yeah, i’m not surprised that some synopses do actually list anything BUT dinosaurs being into the actual film, because guess what, this isn’t a dinosaur film.

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