[EXPRESSO] A Minecraft Movie (2025) | Yearning For

We all saw that horrendous first trailer for the Minecraft live action film, so i guess that lowered expectations for it, not that it made sense to make a Minecraft film, even less so in live-action, but instead of lamenting about Jack Black career moves, let’s cut the shit for the sake of brevity.

I do not care nor know much about Minecraft, aside from the stuff even gamers not invested in it will simply have learned via osmosis, and let’s be real, even i could tell you this is a stupid concept, borne of a decadent big budget film industry that is now riding on videogames’ everincreasing popularity (instead of the other way around) to sell tickets for whatever.

So imagine my surprise in finding out it’s not utter trash, even if there’s obvious irony of making a movie about a game thriving on creativity when it’s just Jumanji, again (couldn’t wait for the next one of the reboot series, could you, Jack?), just this time the guy wanted to actually go there, and there’s a washed up, John Romero-esque videogame champ of the 80s still stuck on the past, played by Jason Momoa, and we have stuff from Minecraft reworked into the plot of a fairly generic (and a bit unfocused) kids/family film fantasy adventure romp.

Still, there’s actual energy put into it, especially thanks to Black and Momoa going super hammy and clearly having fun with the silly material of a script, which isn’t good but isn’t atrocious, it’s nowhere near as cynical as one would expect, there are some solid performances (Jennifer Coolridge as the lonesome oversharing school principal for example), the effects are mostly up to snuff (which i didn’t expect from that awful trailer), even if the art style feels weird in live action.

Avatar The Last Airbender: Quest For Balance PS4 [REVIEW] | Sokoban Benders

Cards on the table: i’ve never seen the Avatar animated series, always heard it pretty good, i know it had/has a big following, enough for a reviled live action film to exist, but i simply didn’t care too much because i didn’t grow up watching that, and i never felt like i needed to later, i mean, i spent my teens watching anime, why bother with a western cartoon (that wasn’t Samurai Jack) tackling asian inspired stories and themes, when i can read Naruto directly?

Can’t really say i learned much about the series through osmosis, as i’ve seen people discuss about it, and since i guess it didn’t grab much European markets, some of the games based off it did reach the PAL territories, but not when the series was wildly popular and discussed about, i feel, back then we also got the shitty Legend Of Korra game Platinum Games made, which i did play and review on PS3 but has long been delisted and never received a physical release.

So i’ve figured i’d grab this last one, as it was actually released in 2023 by Gamemill, got in a bundle with the infamous Rise Of Kong, because why not? Might as well stick my entire head into the garbo bin, to see what foul creatures are lying in wait below the surface.

And to my understanding, the games based around this beloved Nickelodeon show (and the spin-offs) are mostly crap or disappointing at best, and this i feel ain’t gonna be the exception.

This is to say i don’t know the story in any detail, but i know the gist… and i feel the people that developed the game did know less than me, and just skimmed some summaries online in order to write the story and dialogues..

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[EXPRESSO] The Monkey (2025) | FAQING MONKY

After bringing about a Manson-esque supernatural horror with Longlegs, Oz Perkins is back with an adaptation of Stephen King’s short story The Monkey, about – indeed – a cursed mechanical wind-up toy monkey (no cimbals, but a good ol’ drum & stick set) that is able kill off people via convenient incidents, found by a couple of brothers as it belonged to their father, who ran off home years ago. They find out there’s something about the monkey toy and the deaths that seem to happened with eerie timing, so they decide to hide it away.

25 years later, mysterious deaths start happening again in the brother’s hometown of Casco, Maine (ah yes, the inland, Jessica Fletcher-free part of it), forcing the two siblings, whom has grown strangers to each other, to settle that dark secret from their past….

And boy is this one a good time, as it goes for a deliberately over the top comedy horror tone, which works splendidly with the very blasè existentialist dark humour, and doesn’t waste time trying to make more complex or apply “logic” to a concept that defies it, because the idea of a djinn/genie that can basically dish out death without having to twist around the words of the people making the wishes doesn’t make sense either.

The toy monkey won’t care what you think (or want) either way.

The characters and exchanges are delightfully over the top in some way or another (while reserving some time for more serious, emotional moments), as are the many gory deaths, as gruesome as they are funny, with people exploding into pieces, torn apart by lawnmowers, being brutally impaled via a series of absurd little accidents, the effects are great too, and it doesn’t overstays its welcome by padding itself out.

Quite fun, recommended.

Monster Armageddon/2025 Armageddon (2022) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

I’ve lamented the downright lethargic, nearly comatose state and distinct disinterest, so nested and in a rot The Asylum is with their output in this last period, i’ve done that before.

It’s clear whatever “magic” they summoned with Sharknado didn’t last long, and now just rest on their laurels, so to speak, as even the usual aficionados of trash got disinterested in the same way the company itself seems to be with whatever they cram out, they keep doing their thing but just because it’s what they have always done, and will keep doing until there’s not any money left off mockbustering.

I remember from a class in genre cinema i once took that – broadly speaking – a genre has reached a stage of severe stagnation when it starts becoming metatextual, to speak of itself more than anything else, as it can obstensibly find nothing else to iterate on, so it “turns on itself”.

And while it no longer hold completely true, as we’re now in a post-meta phase, if you will, there’s still a valid argument in there, because films like Monster Armageddon (released as 2025 Armageddon in trying to fool more people) validate the implied drying up of the “creative well”, and are a testament to this decade of post-irony, meta overdosing incestinal multiverse crossovers, of finding out there’s no bottom of the barrel, no real lowest of the low that can’t be “improved” upon.

I remember buying the DVD for this one for 5 bucks, sight unseen, on Amazon back in 2023, i knew it was an Asylum joint, and the cover art was nice, featuring a lots of monsters and creatures.

As with Monster Island (their mockbuster response to 2019’s Godzilla II: King Of The Monsters), the cover art is way better than the movie itself, but this time around it isn’t a complete lie like it was with that movie… as in it’s not technically a lie.

It’s worse… or is it?

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Trollhunter (2010) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

Aside from the 2022 Troll monster film on Netflix, there’s not much in the way of troll movies outside of the overcovered Troll 2 (and it’s “prequels” and “sequels” also mostly made by Italian directors and actors), even more so if we’re going for proper giant sized trolls, not the tiny ones, or the Dreamworks animated film series based on those old troll toys with the hair, for that matter.

Also, i had this on the backburner for a while, and it also lets me cover of my lest liked genres: the found footage mockumentary.

Directed by André Øvredal, nowadays better known for The Autopsy Of Jane Doe, Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark and The Last Voyage of The Demeter (with an upcoming adaptation of the horror videogame Bendy And The Ink Machine) here at his second feature lenght film, one more close to home for him, as it dwelves with the more well known beast of Norwegian folklore: the troll.

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Hex Maniacs, Shreks, and the Tecmo Koei Warriors From Hell (Deathstalker not included)

Time for more unasked general ramble posts, mother’s favorites.

So we finally got that Pokemon Presents (AKA the Pokemon Direct) a few days ago, and alongside them bringing back a successor of sorts for Pokemon Stadium (might as well, since the NSO rerelease of the N64 games are just emulated versions that can’t connect to any active Pokemon system/software/archive-bank in order to substitute the original “Transfer Pak and Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow cartridge” method to import , hence are truncated experiences), the highlight was undoubtly the first actual trailer and gameplay footage for Legends Pokemon ZA, which will bring us back to Pokemon X & Y region, Kalos, now expanded and incorporating wild/unkempt areas for the wild Pokemon to roam about.

And count on the Pokemon fanbase to find what’s likely the new design for the Hex Maniac trainer class in a ridiculously tiny smidge on the Kalos map image they revealed.

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Senran Kagura: Bon Appetit! (Full Course) STEAM [REVIEW] | Ninja Food Porn Wars

You know what, i miss Senran Kagura.

There, i said it, for all its issues the Tamsoft ninja boobular spectacular beat em up series was fun, silly, fanservice extraordinaire, retro fun, and it actually got better as it went on, but then Sony basically becoming more prudish and pushing against these weird niche japanese games that made their console offerings more varied and unique, so the series mostly dabbled in ports and spin-offs, as the discussed new mainline Senran Kagura game, Senran Kagura Seven, become even more vaporware with the producer of the series, Kenichiro Takaki, moving out to a new company, and even moving out to the curiously “permissive” Nintendo of the Switch era didn’t help much.

Yes, technically the last notable entry (there are some mobile title never released out of Japan, one called Senran Kagura Run released last year) is not that old, being the 2021/2022 released Neptunia x Senran Kagura: Ninja Wars, but i think it exists and was released internationally mostly because of it being a crossover with the Neptunia series, itself not doing too hot, as they dabble in lots of spin-offs like the very recent Neptunia Riders VS Dogoos, but also have been struggling with rereleases and not a mainline entry in… a decade, as of now.

So it’s with bosomed heart i finally decided to dig into the Senran Kagura spin-offs, starting off with the cooking/rhythm game that is Senran Kagura: Bon Apetit!, originally released on PS Vita, but since it was digital only even in Europe, i decided to just get it on Steam this time around, expecially since its sold as the “Full Course” edition, meaning has all the content and DLC in one package for 20 bucks MSRP, which is actually reasonable.

Gotta love how they were willing to basically try anything with Senran Kagura, do not ever underestimate the power of horny, as it resulted in them having their own Splatoon-esque clone (which is technically a mainline game for story reasons) alongside a pinball game, a ecchi dating sim that’s also a reflexology simulator, but before all those, they did try their hand at a rhyth/cooking game hybrid, because sure, we can be horny AND hungry at the same time!

I mean, Food Wars exist already, so to add the Senran Kagura cast to the mix of battle shounen cooking bouts and horny fanservice was as simple as one-two-three, and you have a variety of ninja anime girls in often skimpy costumes (and now aprons), voilà!

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Avenzers: Italian Super Heroes (2023) [REVIEW] | Spaghetti-Fi: Endgame (ft. Anatar from the Anatar series)

Remember the bright minds behind the italian duck parody of Avatar, Anatar, one so stupid and cowardly it couldn’t even release before or close to the second Avatar movie it wanted to leech off?

No? Well, i did a review of Anatar, go read that. It’s definitely quite the something.

Today we’re talking shit. Super hero shit.

In one way, i can at least understand the idea of Anatar: it’s a mockbuster of a franchise that made gajillions and had a new movie coming out back then.

Tale as old as cinema itself.

This one is even more dead on arrival, it is when you do an Avengers parody, an Avengers Endgame parody after what feels like a decade since movie released, with Marvel still pumping them out to a public that notably was reasonably confused to see the sagas go on after something called “ENDGAME”, and reasonably tired of them trying to redo the same magic but cheaper, faster, taking for granted you just had to press the “redo button” to actually duplicate the success.

But it just fits, it’s that outdated, decades late to the party, or unaware that the building you rammed a tank through even had a party in it, that attitude defining most of the lowest fuckin italian media trash.

And like Anatar, Avenzers was outdated (moldy, even) the second it came out, and i still believe it actually releasing in theather is a psy-op of sorts, just gaslighting people into believing that it did receive a theathrical release, despite very few evidence to be found online, aside from an european theather chain, UCI Cinemas, advertising as it did with Anatar, and a report of it raking the miserable box office of 1.200 euros.

Which is so fuckin pathetic it ain’t even funny, just plain sad.

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E’ Gia Ieri AKA Storks Day (2004) [REVIEW] | Groundhog Days

Groundhog Day it’s a movie that doesn’t need introduction, maybe even less a review.

You might know they did actually make a sequel to that beloved Bill Murray led film… in form of a VR only game, Groundhog Day: Like Father, Like Son…. most likely you’ve never heard of it before i just mentioned it now.

But we’re not reviewing that either.

For some variety we’re instead talking about the 2004 Italian (technically an Italian-Spanish production) remake of Groundhog Day, which i’m fairly sure no one that isn’t Italian has never heard in any shape or form, called “E’ Gia Ieri”, literally translation being “It’s Tomorrow Already” but it also goes by the international English title of “Stork Day”, which sounds iffy even it’s about as accurate and correct as it would/could realistically be for an alternate English title meant for foreign markets.

You most likely already guessed why that is the case, but let’s talk plot first.

Also, just saying it now, but yes, SPOILERS of a 32 years old movie that’s far from obscure are gonna happen.

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So (not so) few words about Donkey Kong Country Returns HD

Planned to do this earlier but i got carried away and basically i’ve almost finished the game (most likely i’ve already did by the time this gets out), but i’m gonna chime in now, as there’s no planned full lenght review for this release of Donkey Kong Country Returns.. not a regular one, i’m preparing a full on Platformation Time Again piece but i would love to revisit at least the original SNES DKC trilogy before on that rubric (we can cover the Donkey Kong Land subseries later).

So here we go.

First, i’m glad we’re finally having a version of Donkey Kong Country Returns freed of the fuckin mandatory motion controls and not stuck on 3DS, as make no mistake, DKC Returns was and still is an amazing platformer and a worthy heir of DKC heritage/legacy, surpassed only by its sequel, Tropical Freeze, so damn good it almost make me ok with Retro not making a third one.

Also because, motion controls being optional this time around, the game is the same in terms of content (while incorporating the extra levels made for the 3DS port)…and the port mostly is ok.

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