Snakes On A Train (2006) [REVIEW] | Poco-loco-motion

Since we took the opportunity to review Snakes On A Plane some time ago for the movie 20^th anniversary and the 4K UHD Bluray rerelease by Arrow Video meant to celebrate that, i guess it’s inevitable we cover the mockbuster version the Asylum cooked up the same year, as in, Snakes On A Train.

I mean, why not, i got the UK DVD release for peanuts years ago, might as well.

As with most of their mockbusters, the plot is legally distinct from the movie whose cottails they’re riding on, and just shares the same idea/copies the same gimmick, this time a public transport vehicle being filled with killer snakes, a train in this occasion as it’s cheaper to shoot.

In a way, this should have been a really fuckin easy one.

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Tentacles (1977) [REVIEW] | Jawsuckers

While i have already set my shark movie picks for the summer, i wanna give you something extra in the “killer aquatic animal” subgenre of Jaws rip-offs that don’t fit the “shark month” criteria… well, because they are not about sharks at all.

(This was supposed to be an extra review for July, but i’m gonna do it now as “compensation” for the Masters Of The Universe movie review having to bedelayed AFTER i posted the schedule)

But make no mistake, this is basically the producer of the original Piranha, Ovidio G. Assonitis, credited as Oliver Hellman, cashing into the Jaws craze by stringing together a lot of old big Hollywood actors and having something to put in theathers ASAP, ideally to get some box office revenue in before Universal released their sequel to the original Jaws.

There’s very little point to go over the plot of Tentacles (“Tentacoli” in its original italian release, which is just the italian word for “tentacles”) because you know the plot outlin-well, the plot everything, this is just Jaws but with a giant octopus doing the terrorizing and killing in the waters of a small beach town.

Some small details are different, but there’s no point circling around the obvious, this is “Octo Jaws” and the characters are also transparent in functioning the same as in Jaws, but look, we have an admittely impressive number of big name Hollywood actors roped in: Bo Hopkins, Shelley Winters, John Huston and even Henry Fonda.

Even with Fonda swapping in and in doing so eluding us from having John Wayne in a Jaws rip-off, i can’t deny this is impressive, and sure did help a lot in marketing the film… as in, good for having those names on the poster and hence working wonders as a honeytrap to sucker people into seeing a very fuckin boring Jaws rip-off.

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[EXPRESSO] The Amazing Digital Circus: The Last Act (2026) | I Have No Pomni And I Must Scream

Having quite enjoyed the webseries in question, i was surprised to see Gooseworx have a premierè release in theathers of the final episode, ahead of its regular release on Youtube on the 19^th of June, and somehow we got a release here in Italy too. Impressive.

That said, i will try to keep this review as spoiler free as possible, even though i’ve got no idea why would you be reading the review of a series final episode you didn’t care or heard about, but just in case i will explain the overall premise.

The Amazing Digital Circus is about a series of people forcibly trust into a virtual reality program of the same name, unaware of who they were before and trust into the digital flesh of cartoony avatars, with no prospect of exit in sight and being commanded-tended to by an IA ringmaster, Caine, whom sends this mismatched gaggle of amnesiacs “prisoners” on oddball adventures.

It’s “very” reminescent of the classic horror short story I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream (mostly remember nowadays thanks to the 1995 videogame adaptation by Cyberdreams), but mostly played more for comedy, alongside mystery (and existential dread for good measure), as the protagonist, a jester girl dubbed Pomni tries to adapt and see if there’s anyway out of the “circus”..

FYI, this is actually a recut that includes Episode 8. a recap and the hour long Episode 9 (the final one indeed).

Again, keeping it spoiler free…. i did quite like the ending, it does strike a good balance between being “positive” AND actually a bit more depressing than it already seemed when you stop to think about it.

Regardless if you agree or not, don’t fuckin harass the creators, VAs or the company over this, you smegmatic little monsters.

[EXPRESSO] Yoshi and The Mysterious Book NSWITCH2 | Creature Comforts

Yoshi games nowadays seem to have a bad rap and this subseries has definitely struggled to forge its own identity while people (allegedly) just wanted a “proper” Yoshi’s Island 2, and struggled to co-exist with another less challenging Nintendo platformer series, Kirby, somewhere above that but below the average 2D Mario in terms of difficulty.

Yoshi and The Mysterious Book more than Crafted World (also developed by Good Feel) looks back at the long time maligned N64 entry, Yoshi’s Story, in terms of taking risks and skewing the old classic formula for something a bit different, while building on the old gameplay basics that do make a Yoshi 2D platformer.

With the premise of helping a mysterious illustrated talking encyclopedia, Mr. E, we go inside his pages to basically play a saurian Mr. Attenbourough, as it ain’t much about reaching a level “exit” but researching the mysterious odd creatures (which you can then rename) that dwell inside the mustached tome, by interacting with them, which also means using the new gimmick of tailswiping a creature-enemy on your back and using its abilites, which range from spreading spores, blooming flowers, creating bubbles, exploding, etc.

It focuses so much on exploration and a puzzle-like usage of how the various critters interact with the enviroment that while there are some platforming challenges and fail states objectives in the various levels, there’s no real health bar or deaths per sé, which is undeniably a radical choice in addressing the often lamented low difficulty of Yoshi games.

Honestly, i think it works because it’s still a joy to explore the levels, find all collectables, and the creature usage isn’t a cheap gimmick, since it helps in keeping every level full of new little surprises and creative ideas, though it’s a bit on the short side.

Aatank (1996) [REVIEW] | #thesharklist

Ah yes, foreign Jaws “rip-offs”, my favourite blend of shark trash.

I’m leaving the Turkish Çöl for another time, as we’re tackling one of the most featured ones in such lists (and prominent for obvious alphabetical reasons), the Indian Aatank, which itself had a troubled production history, being shot in the 1980s but not released until 1996, and being the last film appearance of a beloved Hindi actor (and politician), Dharmenda.

at least according to most sources, i can’t really corroborate from experience.

Though it’s worth being upfront in how this is another case where it being labelled a “Jaws rip-off” is mostly misleading, though kinda of a necessary evil to lure in people that wouldn’t have bothered at all if i didn’t say shit like “Bollywood Jaws”.

This is not to say that it’s random and unfitting, the movie has a killer shark in it…. but technically the same could be said of Back To The Future Part 2 due to the “Jaws 19” hologram.

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Mario & Wario SFC [REVIEW] | Bucket Mario Mouse Adventure

One of the Mario titles that have been long since been an exclusive to the Super Famicom (the Japanese version of the Super Nintendo), but last October it was rereleased officially, in this case as part of the Super Nintendo Classics app/service on Switch and Switch 2.

It’s has been a long sought after title that it would be logical to assume might have gotten a rerelease on Switch 2, since it has a mouse-style control set up for the Joycons, and it wouldn’t have required much fnagling as the game was already full translated in English in its original SFC release, kinda surprising it didn’t actually get a NA or PAL release, despite there having been plans at the time.

I guess besides Mario Paint there wasn’t much interest in games that used the SNES mouse peripheral, but regardless, you can now play it on Switch 2 or even Switch 1, for the latter you will need to connect an USB mouse… which is how i played it, with the old Switch 1 docked and with a cheap random USB mouse anyway, at first anyway.

I tried that but i guess my USB mouse was too shit, since i later tried the mouse mode on a Switch 2 joycon (both in docked and handheld mode), and that was actually WAY better, like usual an actual proper modern mouse, even with the game mouse speed set to low, so i stuck to that for the rest of my experience.

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[EXPRESSO] Kensuke’s Kingdom (2023) | Island Survival Of Age

While i wasn’t able to see the French animated film Arco, i was able to see this one, Kensuke’s Kingdom, which actually debutted at Annecy 3 years ago, but just now is in theathers here.

Better late than never, i guess.

Based on a children novel of the same name by Michael Molpurgo, Kensuke’s Kingdom is the story of Michael, whom is travelling with his family in a worlwide sailing trip, when he and his dog Stella (sneaked aboard by the boy) fall overboard during a storm, only to find themselves swept into an isolated island in the Pacific Ocean, which turns out to be inhabited by Kensuke, a WWII japanese struggler from Nagasaki….

I’ll be honest, i decided to see this mostly because i felt like spotting a unicorn when i saw the trailer for a modern animated film actually done in 2D animation that isn’t spun from some popular battle shonen manga, and indeed the 2D animation is as gorgeous as it looks, expecially the backgrounds are amazing, though i find it funny that this also shares an island survival theme with that Ghibli coproduced French-Belgian film from 2016, The Red Turtle.

Most likely a coincidence since this one takes more stylistical clues from French-Belgian comics and it’s more a family film, down to being a fairly typical coming of age story at heart, complete with the boy and his dog, but it’s done fairly well, because you end up caring for the characters, and the themes of friendship and caring for nature don’t feel preachy because the movie also doesn’t shy away from darker scenes to balance things out, and it doesn’t gloss over Kensuke’s backstory and what it obviously entails.

Overall a familiar but well done coming of age story that’s moving AND sports amazing visuals.

Platformation Time Again: Summer Dong Expandion Pak

Enough foreplay, i guess.

Or actually, a teensy bitsy more, because Nintendo did release about everything DK related on their Classic catalogues/apps leading to Bananza’s release, but despite being announced as coming to Switch eventually alongside other N64 titles, the now infamous N64 adventure of the Nintendo primate was missing.

It will arrive on the N64 Nintendo Classics app (which requires the Expansion Pak tier of Nintendo’s online paid subscription) on June 3/4 (June 3 in the US, June 4 in Europe and Japan), so in a week’s time.

I was “Sun Tzu-ing” this occasion for a DK 64 review, i have the game on original hardware, bought years ago before the WIIU Virtual Console rerelease was a thing, i have finished it, and i have been itching to make a big ass PTA review/piece on it, and i do look forward to have a new fresh run and hopefully a better understanding of the game.

BUT since i have already all the schedule set and completed for June and July, and August being very short due to the usual summer break, i have elected to instead move the full lenght Platformation Time Again piece to September.

If Nintendo waited till now to release it, i really don’t feel bad in post-poning my article, i mean, the game came out in 1999, almost 30 years ago, at this point a couple of months won’t age Chunky Kong any further.

Not that you could corrobate that since he’s been M.I.A. since (or worse).

Jokes aside, i’m curious to see fresh reactions and opinions on its design, given it has become a very divisive game over the decades, in terms of platform games anyway.

[EXPRESSO] The Sheep Detectives (2026) | Chicken The Godless

I’ll be frank, at a glance i kinda dismissed this when i saw it appear in cinemas, but after repeated positive word of mouth and some coverage encouraging not to sleep on this one, i’ve decided to check out The Sheep Detectives.

I’m sure this also beats the awful new animated adaptation of Animal Farm in terms of “animal rising up and growing a political coscience” aspect of things, and that movie doesn’t even have Hugh Jackman as a lonely british shepherd, Greg, that loves tending to his flock, so much he named every single sheep and even made a habit of reading mystery murder novels to them as a good night story of sorts, pretending like they can actually understand him.

But it turns out the sheeps are actually able to understand his words, and when Greg is found dead one night, the animals, especially the most intelligent sheep of the flock, Lily, decide to practice what they learned from the books and help the incredibly inept single policeman in town to solve the whodunnit and avenge Logan, even if that entails finding out way more than they really want to know about the world, and questioning their existence and core beliefs.

The surprisingly star studded cast (both as VA and live action actors) is actually just the proverbial icing, since this is a very, very nice blend of mystery murder genre savviness without going into subversion territory with comedy that’s actually fairly witty, despite while still being a very wholesome family film with adorable talking animals for the kids, one that also manages to be emotional without becoming outright saccharine, and somehow juggle that with more heavy themes without becoming depressing.

What a very nice surprise, which i didn’t expect to say about the “sheep existentialism” family film.

Raging Blades PS2 [REVIEW] | Arcade Axe

Yet more fuel for the bargain bin PS2 bonfire with an arguably even more obscure niche hack n slash title from an even more forgotten ilk, as Bujingai was at least co-developed by Taito and Red Entertaiment, the latter being behind the PS2 Gungrave games as well as Sakura Wars So Long My Love, the Fossil Fighter games, or much of the Record Of Agarest series.

Instead Raging Blades (originally called Raging Bless in Japan) comes from a developer pretty much unknown, Pacific Century Cyber Works (PCCW), whose portfolio mostly consist of this, something called Dream Audition and some racing or idol games that never left Japan, and was distributed by Wanadoo, one of those European publisher that no one remembers but did have a presence back in the day, though i remember them mostly for their logo on PC graphic adventure like the Necronomicon titles, and later a lot of tie-in shovelware… but also the PS2 reboot of an old Tecmo series, Rygar The Legendary Adventure, which i will eventually feature here.

That aside, this is even more distant, because while Bujingai was surprisingly pretty nifty and complex for a 2003 release, Raging Blades also released the same year yet it’s at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, being pretty much a 3D styled take on Golden Axe, its roots in the arcade years of the genre pretty much unfazed by how the genre evolved in the third dimension and especially from Devil May Cry on forward.

It’s so arcade there’s no “Continue” option from the main menu, because you’re expected to beat the story mode in one setting.

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