Aquaslash (2019) [REVIEW] | Slasher Action Park

What a waste of time.

I could have made a longer lead up to that, but sadly this one it’s just a sour disappointment, even going in just expecting it to be an enjoyable teen slasher set in an aquatic park, setting the bar fairly low but in a way that’s reasonable.

Cool title, but i’m not being too hyperbolic when i say it feels like a waste of time, period, since 80 % of Aquaslash it’s build up for the slipslide kills, and by “build up” i mean a lot of exagerrated romantic drama with deliberately exaggerated douchy teens and asshole adults characters, and a lot of cliches, which would be fine if the pay off was worth it… it ain’t.

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Shiver Me Timbers (2025) [REVIEW] | Night Of The Sailor Comet

As the time of writing (and posting, since i improvised this trifecta of Popeye horror films’ reviews) this is the more recent in the batch of 3 horror films based around Popeye’s copyright falling into the public domain that were basically dumped on VOD, all released in a matter of months (or weeks) from one another, and while i’m fairly sure there by September (to be very generous) this specific declination of the fad will have died down due to diminishing returns (since it’s the third time, after Winnie The Pooh and Steamboat Willy’s Mickey Mouse) … i’m not putting this mini-marathon of modern “public domainxploitaition” in “extend mode” if another one or more of these eventually crop up, i’m not playing catch-up anymore.

So let’s see how Shiver Me Timbers, the debut film for director-writer Paul Stephen-Mann, fares out.

In the summer of 1986, a group of friends, led by Olive Oil and her brother Castor, are going on a trip in Northern California to witness the rare Haley’s comet meteor shower event, but they couldn’t expect that a comet piece would fall to the ground that night, a piece lodging itself into the corncob pipe of a reclusive fisherman living nearby, Popeye, now turned into a monstrous, violent killer with superhuman strenght, ready to sate its bloodthirst on Olive and his friends..

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Maneater (2022) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

Some “fresh” meat from…. 3 years ago. Yum.

Another one i randomly bought new for cheap on DVD via Amazon, sight unseen, because my hunger for shark movies it’s apparently endless.

Written and directed by Justin Lee, Maneater’s plot is pretty much the usual affair when talking modern shark movies: a group of friends go on vacation, board a boat that brings them to a remote deserted island where to get their party on, shark happens and it’s one that developed a knack (leave Mark Cerny alone) for human flesh.

This time we don’t have teens, but people in the 30s that have been married or just concluded a long education path, which is something different, i guess, especially since the movie doesn’t have the asshole that fucks everything that moves, or cheating bullshit to pad out the human drama parts, with a subplot involving an old fisherman that harbours vengeance as great white sharks took not only his wife but also recently his daughter.

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Popeye’s Revenge (2025) [REVIEW] | Hamburger Friday The 13th

Surprise!

As i said prefacing the review for Popeye The Slayer Man, i’m not gonna change the schedule for these films, but since i also don’t want to have these hanging off the “to do” list like dingleberries, we’re doing overtime.. well, I am doing overtime, let’s cover these now and hope i won’t have to do another round of Popeye-xploitation in the fall.

And yes, i guess i should have done this before Popeye The Slayer Man, since it came out earlier and it’s actually the first one to capitalize on Popeye’s character falling into public domain (the other free idea bucket alongside mythology), and surprising no one it’s by one of the production companies behind the Winnie Pooh Blood And Honey movies (though it’s not part of their Twisted Childhood Universe), heck, it’s written by Harry Boxley (Dinosaur Hotel 3, Jurassic Triangle, Tsunami Sharks, and of course a couple of the Steamboat Willy-xploitation flicks, Mouseboat Massacre and Mouse Of Horrors), and directed by William Stead, curiously not his feature lenght debut, as directed something called “Children Of The Night” back in 2023.

The plot is that in a UK coastal town, a boy with abnormal arms and a pronounced chin is born, his appereance leading to him getting relentelessly getting bullied at school (where he often dons his sailor outfit), until one day he snaps and fights back, killing one of his bullies.

His parents hide him in the basement for his own good, but the townspeople form an angry mob and they torch down Popeye’s family home, with his parents dying in the fire and apparently him drowning in a nearby lake.

Years later some douchy young adults inherit the house, unaware of his dark history, but as they try to settle in more and more of them keep disappearing off…

You know what this sounds like?

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Warriors Abyss PS4 [REVIEW] | #musoumay

As promised, here we are tackling the stealth release latest Warriors spin-off, Warriors Abyss, which is Omega Force trying to apply the ever-so-popular-still roguelike spin to the musou gameplay.

Digital only even in Japan, played on a PS4 Pro because i still haven’t got a PS5… and since i’m getting a Switch 2 on launch (as i mentioned before= i don’t see it happening anytime soon.

The story is pure fluff, just a pretense to have a narrative (and reuse various assets from decades old games) to the roguelike X Warriors idea, which can really be boiled down to “the gang goes to hell”, as in the king of hell/makai/the underworld summons back fallen heroes from the Sengoku and Three Kingdoms eras to fight on his side, as the demon known as Gohma/Gouma

is rising in power in Hell and is seeking to become the new ruler of hell and escape it.

Good to see the Yu Yu Hakusho style (but it could be an even older trend) representation of Enma, the king of hell, as a child, still being a thing, as here Enma is basically a very otome style shota-twink that would be catcalled out immediatly by Neco Arc. No pacifier this time around, and honestly i’m glad for it, i’ve had enough of seeing those fucking things, especially after Tutor Hitman Reborn.

He is very tsun tsun, also.

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Bladestorm Nightmare PS4 [REVIEW] | The Hundred Years Grind

Ah, yes, Bladestorm, the ginger step-child born of enabling Omega Force to once again make something that isn’t a Warriors game (it’s worth remembering they once did also do fighting games and RPGs, among others), yet isn’t one of Koei historical turn based grand strategy titles like Nobunaga’s Ambition or Uncharted Waters, but more like a real-time Kessen.

This time around we’re taking a break from the Three Kingdoms, Sengoku era Japan or Asian history in general, as we’re going back to the middle ages, yes, but Europe this once, in the 14^th and 15^th centhury, to revisit the events of the Hundred Years War between France and England.

And of course this comes with a big, gynormic “loosely based on” sticker, because it’s a videogame, it’s a videogame based on historic events by the Dynasty Warriors developer, so you already know historical accuracy isn’t gonna be on the table as the main course, or barely at all, because who gotta have historical figures like Gilles Rais and John Talbot interact, and also give them very flamboyant anime style design… why the fuck not?

The plot is told mostly in cutscenes (that develop the various character arcs and of course take a lot of liberties in terms of characterization for the historical figures represented, designs aside), as your player customized character is just another dude in a mercenary band that happens to be involved in the conflict at hand and participate in both “trivial” and important battles of the war, with the option to side with either faction and also save Joanne D’Arc, if you want.

This was true for the original PS3/360/PC release of the game back in 2007, but we’re tackling the expanded port for PS4/X-Box One/Steam, Bladestorm: Nightmare, the PS4 version specifically (as apparently the PC port of this that’s on Steam is shit on a stick, and being an older Koei PC port, yeap, i believe it), which adds some features but mostly a new fantasy campaign that gives this release its new subtitle, Nightmare, which we will tackle later.

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Popeye The Slayer Man (2025) [REVIEW] | Yams The Dark Ages

We’re doing this now because honestly these are not worth having to change most of the blog’s schedule, as yes, this is another subchapter in the “public domainxploitation” saga, after the Steambot Willy version of Mickey Mouse and previously the Pooh character from Winnie The Pooh were preyed upon by the evergrowing amount of horror hacks.

And sincer this is just one of the 3 Popeye horror films made and released this year, “hacks” i feel is the right term, you don’t get to pretend otherwise when you actually makes films of this ilk.

Also yes, i am quite late to the partay, since these films were released starting from late February onwards, but i did not known Popeye was gonna be forcedfully made to join the trend until a saw a poster for this film in late May.

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Asterix & Obelix XXXL: The Ram From Hibernia PS4 [REVIEW] | ….Did Nothing Wrong?

Due to some unforeseen schedule issues, we’ll close out the entire XXL series with the latest one, Asterix & Obelix XXXL: The Ram From Hibernia, released in late 2022 by Microids and once again developed by Osome Studio.

This feel immediatly like a continuation of XXL 3, despite the original plot being about a welcome surprise: as in, there is another lone village that has managed to fend off the Roman invasion, outside of Asterix & Obelix’s. It’s not in Gaul, but Hibernia (aka ye olde Ireland), and the trick lies in the titular ram (being also the beloved pet of the Hibernian chieftain) that is able to inspire/enforce armies to fight even when fatigued with its magical horns.

The Romans though managed to capture the ram, which depressed the Hibernian chief and made him unwilling to fend off the invasion, so his daughter comes to ask for the help of the Gaul village, Asterix and Obelix obviously willing and able to go help them flip off Romans abroad…

It’s a cute premise and like the previous games they do get the tone and humour of the series right, its charm and all, but – like this game as a whole – it’s mostly underbaked and short lived, there’s no time to properly develop any of the new characters, as the entire narrative whizzes by too fast.

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Asterix & Obelix XXL 3: The Crystal Menhir PS4 [REVIEW] | XXS-ix

One might wonder why i’m not reviewing this one as a Platformation Time Again subject.

That is because, confusingly, the third entry in this series of platforming-action games… isn’t a platformer at all.

Yeah, took me by surprise because why wouldn’t it be, especially now with the retro 3D platformer revival going on to this day?

Regardless, this is the third entry in the series, meaning its a brand new game developed by Osome Studio, makes sense as they handled the remasters/ports of the first two games that launched on PS2 20+ years ago, as Microids is definitely seeing a lot more return in using the Asterix & Obelix license than others, like their Marsupilami game (remember that? I kinda do and kinda not), not really a surprise, since the Uderzo & Goscinny created comic book series has been popular for decades in Europe, France obviously, but others including Italy as well.

But we’ve discussed this before, so let’s get to the plot.

The plot is also untied to the previous XXL games…. or is it?

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Platformation Time Again #3: Asterix & Obelix XXL 2 PS4 | DS, PSP

HISTORY

Since i’ve given a basic description/primer for Asterix & Obelix as a whole for the Platformation review of the fist XXL game, i won’t be repeating that, so i will simply refer you back to that if you are not too familiar (or at all) with the series.

What i will do is talk about the context of the platforming genre as the time XXL 2 originally released, because in just 3 years after the first Asterix & Obelix XXL came out, a lot happened.

As i said, even the first game felt kinda old fashioned compared to other platformers on offer at the time, heck, not even going back to the original Conker’s Bad Fur Day, in 2003 alone Jak II kickstarted the whole “teenage edgelord “phase of the genre, influenced to be “more mature” thanks to the rise in popularity of games like the 3D Grand Theft Auto games, and this was made even more clear when Sonic Team clearly saw Naughty Dog’s sequel “dark” turnabout and made the Shadow The Hedgehog game.

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