Sabretooth (2022) [REVIEW] | Beeg Cat Means Beeg Trouble!

Before the year ends, it’s time to fullfil some promises nobody care about, so after reviewing Attack Of The Sabretooth (AKA Primal Park) back in whenever that happened, i realized almost before i finished writing the review, that this was sorta/kinda/vaguely a sequel to another movie about sabertooth tigers, as in they were sequelized only when localized in some foreign markets, as they have nothing to do with each other… aside from the writer, being Tom Woosley for both otherwise unrelated movies about extinct tiger species going about killing people.

Still more sensible than most of the italian cannibal film being retitled as “Cannibal Holocaust 2” when not even the lead actor’s dingus is a shared asset.

Simply titled “Sabretooth”, this is yet another TV movie that debutted on the ol’ Sci-Fi channel about killer animals that might or not be mutants or resurrected extinct evolutionary cul-de-sacs because Spielberg did a killing resurrecting the ancient lineage of the KFC bucket a decade ago.

And Roger Corman was also there to rip chickens up with its Carnosaur, then again, Clint Howard WAS eating chicken in front a chicken coup (and dinosaurs).

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[EXPRESSO] Napoli New York (2024) | Once Upon A Gabagool

Context: this is a December 2024 release in Italy based on a script written by Fellini long before he became a director, adapted by a modern and fairly well regarded italian director, Gabriele Salvatores, whom, instead of a neorealist picture, opted for the tone of fairytale, of fable, while indeed tackling a sensitive period in italian history, depicting a ruined post-WWII Naples were the misery set back in after the american troops returned home, with two orphaned street-smart children, Carmine and Celestina, struggling to make any money or food by any means.

The two then basically decide – after getting duped – to secretly sneak aboard the only american ship anchored nearby, as Celestina’s older sister did leave for NY years ago….

It’s the ol’ tale of Italian immigration in the US during the 40/50s, focusing on Neapolitan immigrants specifically, which tackles the expected themes… but it does so with a strange, uneasy and uncovincing middle ground, as it clearly opts to be this uplifting, optimistic Christmas fairytale, skewing most realism…but also doesn’t quite fits the “magical realism” tone, as its built and based on the perceptions America had/has about around italian cinema of old (and Italy to a point), while also lacking the actual complexity that would have still made possible by the “fable” angle.

The cast is actually amazing, but these aren’t characters, there are balls of stereotypes, some true, but here not even vaguely discussed, challenged, this is the “40s America present Paisà as a puppet theathre play for tots” level of nuance, but resented a comforting fact, because despite the lavish modern production, this film’s soul is old (ancient, even), deliberately so to a point where it hurts it.

And yet, in a way, it’s too italian for its own good, if that makes any sense.

The Super Ninja (1984) [REVIEW] | “Do You Remember, The 21th Night Of September?” Ninjas

Since this is also kind of a “ninja month” for me, time to dwelve deep back into the cut n paste ninjaexploitation we love to discuss here so much…. or is it really this time?

I mean, the movie it’s called The Super Ninja( but you can also find it titled as “Ninja Force”), it does have a different and confirmed director name on both IMDB and the Hong Kong Movie Database, it does fit the bill of a primo subject for the “Godfrey Ho cut-n-paste” treatment… but it’s NOT mostly made out of a different yet similar Taiwanese or Korean chrime thriller, there’s no stock footage lifted.

So, did i make a mistake, assuming this was another Godfrey Ho/Joseph Lai joing when it’s a completely random, stock footage-free ninja flick from the era that just happened to exist and get paired with IFD Films International’s output of super cheap ninja regigs of older, random asian films about crime, guns, or whatever

Because it was distributed under the other company name by Ho and Lai, Filmark International… and then just watching will trigger every flight or fight response by ninja film buffs, because it looks, feels and it’s even edited like the cut-n-paste colored ninja collages, but there’s no recognizable name in the credits that would make the connections made sense and obvious.

Then i found the name “Thomas Tang” attached as producer even in the “recent” italian DVD release by Freak Video, and all made perfect sense, because that is one of Godfrey Ho many film pseudonyms, stuff like the beloved “Elton Chong”, BUT that credit was just added in the international releases because – as already said – Filmark distributed the thing.

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[EXPRESSO] Longlegs (2024) | Itsy Bitsy

Oz Perkins (Psycho 2, The Blackcoat’s Daughter, Gretel And Hansel) is back with the awaited horror-thriller Longlegs.

Set in 90s Oregon, the story sees Harper Lee (Maika Monroe), a newly recruited FBI agent, sent out to collect info on the serial killer that slaughtered entire families over the last two decades, signing cypher letters he leaves on the murder scenes as “LONGLEGS”, when she has an intuition that lets her immediatly find the house where the killer is hiding in.

While managing to escape, the hunt is on, and as Harper keeps putting together the scarse and often cyphered info available, she not only notices the murders having some ritualistic pattern to them (like the focus on details about children), but that she herself is somehow involved or known to the killer in some fashion she not aware of.

It’s a brutal thriller that soaks itself in an “old fashion”-esque style, not only by using exploitation-style editing (and playing with the screen format to replicate the old 8mm films feel in flashbacks, for example), but also in how it handles the plot and the supernatural element in it, in a way that enhances the grisly nature of the events while also giving an explanation that doesn’t undermine (or contrast in any semblance) the creepiness of it all, especially thanks to an amazing performance of the Manson-esque killer by an almost unrecognizable Nicholas Cage.

It’s also not a very long movie, but it’s pretty intense, manages to make you question the nature of the killer and its methods until the end, and the reveal is not out of nowhere or feels out of place with the detective/police procedural stuff, making for a maybe slightly retro horror thriller, but damn if it ain’t some extra creepy, deliriously morbid fuckin shit.

Quite recommended.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade: Wrath Of The Mutants PS4 [REVIEW] | Arcades In Times

Since it’s un-officially “ninja month”, let’s talk ninja. Mutant teenage turtles ninjas.

And while their popularity and games based on the series still doesn’t waver, so much that we recently got a tie-in game to the 2023 animated film TMNT: Mutant Mayhem, TMNT: Splintered Fate, and one about the Last Ronin spin-off series by the TMNT original creators coming next year.

But we’re not talking about those, or the well received Shredder’s Revenge.

Nope, we’re going back to 2017, indirectly, thank to the recent release of the 2017 TMNT arcade game by Raw Thrills, in this expanded port (gaining the “Arcade” moniker and a new subtitle since there are literally dozens of TMNT game just called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”) handled by Cradle Games and distributed (even physically) by… shovelware maestro Gamemill Entertaiment.

Though this is not shovelware, i had the pleasure to play this machine/arcade cabinet more than once in my local arcades, and it’s quite fun 3D side scrolling beat em up, obviously trying to arken back to Turtles In Time, as these arcade TMNT titles often do, for nostalgia but also because it was indeed a quality title worth trying imitation and the flattery that – ideally – that would imply.

It’s a pleasant surprise regardless, since i doubt anyone was expecting this, expecially given how some digital only TMNT titles have gone delisted entirely, especially made for smarthphones offering and arcade releases. The TMNT Cowabunga Collection is great but some titles will always be bound to being emulated, at best, like the Tiger handheld games and such.

This not the case, as we get the game seen and played in the arcades as well as some new extra levels, which is a good things since Gamemill still asks more than it should for a physical copy, but we’ll discuss that later.

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Grabbed By The Ghoulies (Rare Replay) XBOX ONE [REVIEW] | Analog Monster Bash

How i didn’t cover this one here yet i don’t know, but the spooky-ookie climate is here and now i feel there’s no escaping it, as a self-confessed Rareware/Rare nut, so time to dust off the X-Box One , insert Rare Replay in, and giving it another go after a literal decade and more since i’ve played and completed the game on the original X-Box. I’m not bustin that one out of its drawer/tomb, sorry.

Grabbed By The Ghoulies it’s more than the fairly obvious choice for the “Halloween game” feature review, as its still hails from the disastrous era when Nintendo simply sold Rare to Microsoft, killing a lot of the company’s projects…. or in this case making them shift the originally intended platform (in this case the Gamecube, as one could guess), as this one was actually the first Rare game to be shipped under the X-Box banner, and honestly i’m kinda sad that i pine for that era of Rare games nowadays, but i do, especially considering the post-360 stuff they did… or didn’t.

For better historical context, it was also the early 2000s, and more specifically, it was that brief period in gaming where – for whatever reason – action games wanted to implement a different control scheme for combat, as in, trying to simplify and skip the old way of combined button imputs to do moves… by making you control the melee combat with the right analogic stick, which since inception had been created to control the camera, a usual problem many 3D games had.

Actually, scratch that “for whatever reason”, as it was probably this game to kick off this short lived trend, since the very next year we had a Jet Li game, Rise To Honor, implement a similar control scheme, then in 2005 the Tekken spin-off Death By Degrees did too… and later Too Human, and also Neverdead, because some lessons are never to be learned by certain people.

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The Spooktacular Eight #24: Mother Joan Of The Angels (1961)

Let’s conclude this year’s Spooktacular Eight by reviewing the 1960 Polish classic Mother Joan Of The Angels, also known as The Devil And The Nun.

Based on the real, documented case of demonic possession (or mass hysteria, let’s be real) that affected the nuns and took place in 1634 at a convent in Loudlun, France… well, indirectly, as it actually based on a novel of the same name by Jaroslaw Iwaszkiewicz (which would later by adapted by Kent Russell for the infamous The Devils), itself loosely based on the aforementioned Loudlun possessions.

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The Spooktacular Eight #22: Wendigo (2001)

At the turn of the millennium, found footage horror was born and while it’s often a very divisive subgenre nowadays (as big budget companies co-opted it since it lowered the already low costs for horror films), it can’t be denied The Blair Witch resparked interest in urban legends, the lore of the suburbs or previously forgotten folklore myths, which affected even films not made in what now we call “found footage” or “mockumentary”.

This is i guess was the overall unspoken mood of the era, even though in this case director and writer Larry Ferdessen (1997’s Habit, the Until Dawn videogames, The Last Winter, Depraved) set out more to channel the 30s classic horror monster films (which the director himself confirmed are a great influence on his works) but in modern arthouse fashion, with a psychological horror thriller named after the mythical monster figure of Native American/First Nation folklore (Algonquian one, to be precise), of the titular Wendigo.

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[EXPRESSO] Megalopolis (2024) | Golden Experience Requiem

Megalopolis it’s Francis Ford Coppola doing a more modern take on Metropolis, basically, just with the city of the future being a New York-Imperial Rome hybrid, and the framing of “a fable by Francis Ford Coppola” setting the angle right… but that won’t really soften the blow.

The plot sees New Rome, a city split between tradition, embodied by the city mayor Cicero, and innovation, represented by Catalina, a genius architect willing to seek a new better way, with the crux of the conflict incarnated by Cicero’s daugher, Julia, whom falls in love with Catalina.

Aside from the opening really making you feel like you tuned into the movie 1 hour in (which is a costant all throughout, btw), and the implication of Adam Driver’s character having a time-stopping Stand power of sorts…the movie is a mess, it’s a long, sprawling, unwieldy mess of scattered plotlines (some never resolved by the end), trippy imagery, pretense of being profound when its all so utterly blunt it’s almost comical, and even when you do where the hell is going, it’s hard to care, with too many characters (though that would imply “characterization”), the starfilled cast having no chemistry, bad dialogues, and the direction that makes it all feel like they’re rehearsing for when they gonna actually shoot the scene… doesn’t help.

It’s not boring, at the very least, but it’s an hilarious damning moment when the best scene of a Francis Ford Coppola film is John Voight as an old gajillionaire shooting Shia Labeuf in the ass with a bow. Twice.

It’s a weird, messy, disjointed vision that becomes outright bizzarre with these Hollywood high production values and quality cinematography, so in a way, it’s a fascinating bad movie from a legendary director, the kind that don’t come around so often anymore.

The Spooktacular Eight #21: The Awful Doctor Orloff (1962)

Ah, good ol’ Jess Franco, the master of lesbian vampire action, the exploitation master from Spain that both film dozens of softcore trash but also worked with Christopher Lee as either a vampire or the old villian Fu Manchu, that deals in adaptations of Marquis De Sade but also completed the previously (and unfamously) unfinished Orson Welles version of Don Quixote.

I really can’t do him justice, but i did pick one of the films from before he really declined and put out some really atrocious stuff, like the final entries in the Fu Manchu series (the Castle Of Fu Manchu being the subject of a popular MST3K episode ), shit like Dracula VS Frankenstein, or even pseudosequels that cannibalizzed on Franco own’s Dr. Orloff series with reused stock footage to make in name only adaptations of Poe works, in particular his The Revenge in The House Of Usher, which is a mess and a half since it has 3 different cuts (often having different titles as well). 2 of which reuse even more footage from this 1962 Dr. Orloff film that started the series.

But let’s pretend we do not yet know of this, and let’s talk plot.

Which is not quite original, as it’s an amalgamation of Frankenstein and french classic Eyes Without A Face (especially the latter), as the titular Dr. Orloff attracts young women to his castle so he can harvest her skin with the help of a disfigured, blind assistant/henchman named Morpho (a Mighty Monarch approved name indeed).

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