Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge (2023) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

After Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, Mark Polonia was pretty much given the legal status as guardian of the Jurassic Shark franchise, i guess why not?

The second one….actually, the “other second one”, since Raiders Of The Lost Shark would actually be a more proper sequel made by the same director, this is the level of decadence we’re at, with Jurassic Shark having both official and “more official” sub-series.

I think i just puked in my brain a little. Or a lottle.

Back to the topic at hand, Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse was another typical Mark Polonia affair, i remember it had “young Popeye cosplaying as the captain from Tin Tin” (maybe a hint of shit to come, in hindsight), it was about another drilling underwater gig bringing out another megalodon shark, and an assassination subplot, or something?

I barely remember, which i guess is the ideal state of mind to watch these.

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Dragon Quest Heroes: The World Tree’s Woe And The Blight Below PS4 [REVIEW] | #musoumay

RPGs aren’t really my bag anymore, not because i dislike them, but because they’re way too much time consuming for me nowadays, they simply are, and while i make some exceptions.. i usually don’t bother because i know i will most likely lose interest or be forced to play something else that i can finish in far less time so i can write a review for it and have it out in a reasonable timeframe.

Dragon Quest doesn’t need presentation nowadays, as is THE quintessential Japanese RPG series since its heyday, arguably even more than Final Fantasy in the land of Nippon, but since i’m not familiar with it, i won’t be making any presentation, even more so since this title is clearly catered to hack n slash fanatics that might or might not have played at least a Dragon Quest game, meaning it’s a gateway title for musou fans or general audiences that have some understanding of the series only through pure gaming osmosis but not had any chance or big interest for the series itself.

Which leads us to the plot being a spin-off affair with an original story that does the “multiversional tango”, as it custom to most of these Warriors crossover games overall, in order to have an ensemble cast of heroes from the various mainline games enter the fray alongside original protagonist characters and a fairly generic common threath for everyone to band together against the baddie responsable, in hope this can also sent the various heroes to their home world/dimension.

Works for me.

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Rabio Lepus/Rabbit Punch (Arcade Archives) NSWITCHDDL [REVIEW] | Cho Usagi

This year we won’t review crappy horror no-budget slockfests about killer rabbits, i’m quite fed up with killer easter bunnies and we can done those next year, anyway.

So we’re instead digging up a fairly obscure 2d spaceship shooter/side scrolling shoot ‘em up from the late 80s arcade resurgence, and as i guess it’s almost mandatory for forgotten games of this genre, its only home console port was on the PC Engine… in Japan, North America did get this released in arcades, localized as Rabbit Punch, but we Europeans never did in any shape, not until the recent Arcade Archives rerelease, in this case the Switch one (it’s also available on PS4).

The plot is fairly simple and starts off the “ol’ fashioned” (as in “putting cats in bags and throwing them in the river to drown” ye old fashioned) royal kidnapping by a mechanical army of space aliens that come down to the peaceful planet of Bunnyland, taking awat the rabbit themed king (he has a rabbit onesie), the princess and her sister (which are just Playboy bunny girls… to commit to the theme, yes), so it’s up to the rabbit shaped mecha unit to save the monarchy.

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Pirate Warriors 4 Next Gen and somehow MORE DLC

I will admit, i completely missed this trailer, as i did with Warriors Abyss announcement, i was made aware by a newsletter while checking the mail, and for reasons i will explain, i’m a bit TOO late, but i also kinda had to, as i didn’t rule out a situation like this.

There just so many times i can write “i can’t believe we’re still talking about Pirate Warriors 4”, so yes, i can believe, and will, since we’re here again.

And yes, they will do about anything than actually make or even hint at a Pirate Warriors 5, or actually do a proper expansion, like and old school Xtreme Legends things, with redone old stages that were in PW3 but not in PW 4, as we already discussed in detail.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #48: I Am T-Rex (2022)

Time to close off this year’s 12 Days Of Dino Dicember with a family/children dinosaur movie, one ailing from mainland China and also fairly recent, as in released originally in 2022 as “Wo shi ba wang long”(which i assume translates to “The Tyrannosaurus Rex”, as can be seen in its original Chinese theathrical poster) but localized/released online with the “I Am T-Rex” title.

It’s also a CG animated film, because we already had plenty of no budget puppet dinosaurs, some high quality (and some low ass quality) dinosaur stop motion animation, caveman boning of the implied kind, cannibal movies sold as dinosaur flicks, pseudodocumentaries, dinosaur comedies with yellowface or comedy bits that aged like the reptiles themselves, so for the sake of variety, let’s move away from all that shizzle.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #47: The Secret Of The Loch (1934)

Time for an oldie, and no, i don’t mean Gertie The Dinosaur (though eventually we’ll cover it), we’re “only” going back to the 1930’s with The Secret Of The Loch, released in the very same year the infamous “Surgeon’s Photo” depicting an unknown, plesiosaur-esque creature peaking out of the Loch Ness lake in Scotland, which in turn made more rumors and sightings of strange creatures around and about the lake go around, so jumping on the bandwagon was thing back then too.

As the infamous aforementioned photo allegedly depicting “Nessie” wasn’t 100 % proven to be a hoax until decades later, it helped set up what would become the entire thing of cryptozoology, but filmakers didn’t care to wait, gotta strike fast, so the British-based Ealing Studios did, with Milton Rosmer directing this comedy adventure film about the Loch Ness creature.

The first movie ever made about the cryptid in question, which nowadays it’s a rarely used subject, but eventually we had films about it like The Water Horse in 2007 or the more recent b-horror movie The Loch Ness Horror. As in, the one from 2023, not the one from 1981 also called that.

In terms of plot, The Secret Of The Loch is exactly what you’d think it would be, and displays some irony, because it’s about a nutty Scottish professor trying to prove the existence of the Loch Ness monster, in spite of everyone else calling him cuckoo for that, followed by a zany reporter that wants to get the scoop on the story.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #46: The Last Dragon AKA Dragon’s World: A Fantasy Made Real (2004)

We don’t really review dinosaur documentaries for 12 Days Of Dino Dicember, we haven’t yet, i guess the closest we did was the Walking With Dinosaurs film, but that wasn’t a documentary, and neither is today’s subject, 2004’s The Last Dragon, also known as Dragons: A Fantasy Made Reality or Dragon’s World: Fantasy Made Real, a docufiction movie made for TV (specifically for the British publicly owned Channel Four) and directed by Justin Hardy.

As to why we’re talking about a docufiction film about dragons during our dinosaur films retrospective… it’s that i feel it’s close enough in subject, dinosaurs do factor in to the argument, and the occasion is as good as any.

Also, after being duped into watching and reviewing a sub par italian cannibal flick without dinosaurs, i feel excluding this one wouldn’t quite be fair, in a way.

In terms of what it’s actually about, its what the title and the genre implies, as in, a speculative docudrama that labors on the hypothetical situation of dragons not being things of fantasy or a Pokemon type, but actual creatures that existed, speculating their evolution from the Cretaceous period up to the 15^th centhury in regular scientific fashion by basing the idea on how widespread and ubiquitous was the dragon in any kind of mythology around the world, implying there was actual truth in the legends.

In fairly typical docufiction fashion, it sets out to do so by alternating between CG recreations of “dragosauruses” in their speculated natural habitat throughout history and the live action story of a modern paleontologist, Dr. Jack Tanner, whom works at a museum and believes in dragons, having his interest piqued when he learns that the frozen remains of an unknown creature have been discovered in the Carpathian Mountains, alongside many carbonized human bodies.

So, with two collagues of his, Tanner travels to Romania to examine the creature, and possibly salvage his reputation by actually finding and proving you found an actual dragon of the non-maid variety, so he can shows those miscreants that Falkor didn’t die for our sins in vain.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #45: Jurassic Triangle (2024)

Ah, yes, the parody of Roben Ostlund’s celebrated english-language feature debut. FINALLY!

Imagine that, and that how it would require some wit instead of just any lack of shame, but instead what he have is just another low budget dinosaur film, distributed by Cork’d Entertaiment, a company offering stuff like The Amytiville Murders, Monsternado… and also the quite fun italian horror The Well, but mostly dealing with mockbusters or mockbuster looking cheap flicks, think it as an Asylum adjacent kind of film distributor, just marginally above Wild Eye Releasing that pumps out Mark Polonia films and the like.

So, it’s one of those that you see the opening scene, witness the god awful CGI for the dinosaurs (especially the pterodactyls look shit and seem to have framerate issues like it’s a Pokemon Scarlet/Violet asset), and 5 minutes in, you feel done already, that it would be better to stop while we’re ahead, and we could march to our inevitable grave without deciding to eat so much garbage.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #44: Dinosaur Hotel 3 (2024)

Yeah, no waiting about another year, i’m reviewing both Dinosaur Hotel sequels back to back, hoping to Dino Saint Nicholas Of Myra that 2025 doesn’t bring out a Dinosaur Hotel 4.

Please, Jagged Edge Productions, focus on the Winnie The Pooh and fairy tale slasher stuff instead, because to say i didn’t enjoy any of the Dinosaur Hotel films so far.. it’s being overly kind.

Honestly i think i enjoyed working more than the first Dinosaur Hotel, the sequel was a slight improvement but still an experience that felt like a thousand years had passed since i started the film, despite the 72 minutes runtime, but that one had an open ending that was very “battle royale-esque” of sorts, with the frontman/creator going rogue to get back at the new people running the show that tried to push him, leaving on that plot thread for Dinosaur Hotel 3 to pick up.

Oh i guess SPOILERS. Who cares. I don’t. And these movies have barely a plot anyway, the characters are stereotypes at best, and are a struggle to sit through, so bite me, as they say, i’d rather you not bother even for the morbid curiosity some dino buffs might want to satisfy.

Heck, no one even bothered to leave a review on IMDB for this one, that does say a lot.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember #43: Dinosaur Hotel 2 (2022)

To say i didn’t like the first Dinosaur Hotel is being nice, but that won’t change the fact it had some of the worst CG i’ve seen in a while, even for modern cheap low budget dinosaur flicks the effects were plainly pathetic, the premise old and already done better years before.

But since this is a modern low budget dino flick from the UK (it’s another Jagged Edge Production thingie, the same company backing the Winnie The Pooh slasher films, BTW), a sequel was bound to happen… and at least it happened fast, i guess, since only 1 year later, Dinosaur Hotel 2 hit the internet and general VOD services in some regions, and this year they dropped another sequel with Dinosaur Hotel 3. At least they keep the titling consistent and simple.

Curiously, if a movie like this would have been released in the 90s, it would have done the usual “sequel in name only” shuffle we’ve discussed countless times before, but in this case we’re doing actual sequels, for best or worst, even if it doesn’t quite matter, as we’re still doing the same idea, again, with people doing a survival game in a place full of dinosaurs, with the jackpot for the lone survivor being ONE MIL-oh, wait 10 MILLION DOLLARS, gotta outbid Dr. Evil.

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