Land Shark (2017) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

As we learned through years of shark movies, pretty much anything goes, especially as the budgets move closer to zero, even in these cases you can do a poster that’s way better than the movie could ever be, at the very least. Money is important, but lacking it can’t stop you making your movies about shark of any kind or type, as we already saw in Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast.

It’s another Mark Polonia film, but it’s one that immediatly, even after hundreds of these no budget sharks film (often made by him or his friends-colleagues), does make one stop and reflect on the fact that – maybe, maybe – this is crossing some unspoken line or etiquette, even amongst this kind of shark film, when you make a rip-off of Sand Sharks.

And also of Super Shark, which had a giant shark somehow moving on land, but that one was actually so craptastic to be memorable, both movies far older than this, so one has to wonder if – maybe – it wasn’t intentional, but i find it hard to believe the Polonia Brothers (of all people) weren’t aware of previous movies like Sand Sharks. To be more correct, i simply don’t.

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[EXPRESSO] M3GAN 2.0 (2025) | Panzer Kunt

2 years after the M3GAN killer robot was destroyed, her creator, Gemma, moved on and kept working in robotics while advocating for more cautious laws about IA, while taking care of her niece Cady, but unknown to them, someone stole M3GAN technology and created another killer robot, AMELIA, which has gone rogue and start killing anyone involved with the project.

M3GAN, whom has been hiding in their home cloud network, springs back to alert Gemma she could be next, and that if they want to have a chance of stopping AMELIA killing her and her niece, they need to graft M3GAN a new robot body, even more as the stakes quickly escalate…

Yeah, it’s not really a horror movie anymore, the gore is still pretty graphic but the tone is completely different, going basically for a ubercharged pastiche that skips a lot of modern narration to go for satirical and autoironical, which still has that 90s sci fi-horror aesthetic, as it’s a bit Robocop, a bit Ghost In The Shell, Matrix, Terminator, heck, you can even feel drafts of Alita Battle Angel, with M3GAN basically needing a new berserker body to fight.

It does manage to develop further the characters from the previous film, especially M3GAN herself, and it all does work since she’s indeed “the bitch”, “the slay queen”, she is incredibly fun to see in action and sells it.

If you expect a more in-depth critique of modern use of IA, or a more conservative sequel that’s actually a horror film, you might detest this one, which is understandable but honestly i do commend the effort to keep it fresh and not just rehash the first film, since it does embrace his deliberate sarcastic detour into action sci-fi, and for what it is, it’s a riot, hugely entertaining.

[EXPRESSO] Milarepa (2025) | Sardinia Saint

A very loose retelling of the life of Milarepa, an important figure in Tibetan Buddhism, this 2025 Italian production takes many liberties, not just genderbending Milarepa, but mostly taking place in a post apocalyptic world where humanity regressed to live in mudhuts.

The gist remains the same, as Mila lives a good life, then her father dies, her uncles decide to treat them like slaves. Mila’s eventually racks up enough money to have Mila be taught black magic and avenge them.

She succeeds, but the destruction and guilt grow to a point where Mila decides to set off in a journey to cleanse her karma….

The first issue is that the whole post apocalyptic angle doesn’t really work, it just looks medieval, and the movie it’s just too grounded/realistic to let the fantasy elements take any proper hold, to suspend disbelief and “buy” stuff like no one noticing Mila being obviously a girl.

Plus characterization is spotty, with some really stupid ass characters, and some inconsistent acting that sticks out against the decent work done by a cast sporting recognizable Hollywood actors like Harvey Keitel, F. Murray Abraham, Angela Molina and Franco Nero.

Doesn’t help that the editing often makes things confusing to follow (when the script already doesn’t, that is), and the second part (the “redemption-philosophical-meditative phase”) is kinda hilarious, almost feeling like a parody… while also clearly done in earnest.

I feel kinda bad because the worldbuilding clearly needed a budget that never was, and it almost feels like it’s going for a feminist message… but that too is pretty superficial and half-baked, as pretty much everything here.

It’s a mess, it’s not good, i do respect the honest effort and ambition, the heart is in the right place, it truly is…. but it’s still a huge mess.

Tiko And The Shark (1962) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

Oldies time, as i’ve not yet run out of pre-Jaws shark films to cover, apparently,

And it’s oddly a wholesome one, too, as Tiko And The Shark (Ti-Koyo E Il Suo Pescecane) is the age old tale of a bond between a boy and his…. shark. Yeah.

An Italian-France coproduction by Titanus filmed in french Polynesia (the Taomatu island, specifically) and loosely based on the novel “Ti-Koyo And His Shark” by Clement Richer (though basically rewritten by Italo Calvino to be more of a fable here), the film is indeed about the friendship between Ti-Koyo, borne into a Pacific island village of fishermen, whom as a child finds a baby shark while fishing, dubbing it “Manidù”. Some years later, both grown up, they reunite and fish for oyster pearls in a secret laguna that was also their refuge when they were younger.

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[EXPRESSO] Heart Eyes (2025) | Serial Seattle Slasher

I kept myself in the dark as could about this one, for a change, but indeed i do understand why it was discussed and looked forward to.

The short of it is that Heart Eyes is what one could expect old slasher like My Bloody Valentine to be about, as in, it’s indeed about a masked serial killer that kills people on Valentine’s Day, but this isn’t more or less random theming to help marketing when it’s not actually relevant to the plot, this is a serial killer that specifically prays on couple every Valentine’s Day, and its killing spree have become a tradition of sorts, dreaded and dubbed as the “Heart Eyes killer” by the press.

This time he targets two co-workers that are trying to figure out if there actually could be something between the two when out for a dinner “date”, forcing the two to try and survive the night….

It’s a pretty simple set up but it gets more interesting than it sounds since the movie is also a romantic comedy, and thankfully the script co-writed by Christopher Langdon (Happy Death Day, Freaky, Drop) is able to balance out both the romance and the comedy horror aspects, while also delivering on the graphic violence with great gore effects and some really fun kills, coexisting with the genre-savvy dialogues and attitudes that never clash against each others, harvesting the classic slasher tropes for some fun twists and somehow being able to avoid padding, making for a succint, to the point approach to both the slasher and romance genres that’s witty without straight up brownosing itself.

The killer is also surprisingly fun to see in action, nothing original, but executed in a fashion that harnesses the cliches in a familiar but still fun, slightly fresher and satisfying way.

[EXPRESSO] Ado Special Live “Shinzou” in Cinema (2024) | Much Ado

After liking her songs in One Piece Film Red, i was curious enough (and lucky enough) to go see the film/cinema version of her Shinzou show that took place at the National Japan Stadium in late April 2024, released here now as limited special event screening.

It was a shot in the dark for me as i’m not really familiar with her much… but holy fuckin shit.

If i was a fan prior this… i would likely have tried to go the concert in question, but reasonably couldn’t and had to “settle” for this, well, i would have been ecstatic.

First, the concert itself was pretty damn good (no fuckin wonder it sold out in a flash), just a great spectactle in general, with the pyrotecnics, background visualizers, lightshows and setpieces beinggreat, the tracklist (which as expected included some of hits heard in One Piece Film Red) was fairly big (being a 2 hours and 20 minutes long concert) and varied.

Second, this film-cinema version is actually pretty well directed, finding the right angles to show at different times (and take advantage of this being), the editing having a good rhythm to alternate between the performances, the setpieces, the pyrotecnics, the audience reactions, without distracting itself with some “behind the scenes” but just taking time to make quiet for Ado’s heartfelt speeches (in which she brings up some honestly heavy stuff).

Not that it was already impressively handled in terms of handling the lighting, since Ado is often on stage but you just see her figure, her silouhette, and you never see her face, which tracks since i’ve heard she was “V-tuber” levels shy/reserved.

Speaking of which, we also get (perfectly fitting Ado’s Vocaloid-utaite background) a song collab with the inventor of Minecraft herself, the leek enthusiast extraordinarie, Hatsune Miku.

Earth Defense Force 6 PS4 [REVIEW] | All You Need Is Kill

As with what is now tradition, after a reboot follows a direct sequel, so Earth Defense Force 6 picks up some years after you killed God (or an alien God), with the global population reduced to a 10 % of what it was, but hey, you won, and reconstruction begun, as it always does.

You play as one of the elite soldiers from Team Storm that succeded in saving the planet years before, sent to a base that needs manpower as while the aliens retreated after… well, the “Hell Comes To Frogtown” ones were left abandoned on Earth, so they kinda still kick around in pure desperation, and you’re sent to deal with these poor bastards after a speech from EDF bootleg (and surprisingly nice) version of Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, during the tutorial mission that continues the more attention given to presentation that started with EDF 5.

Then some old teleporting devices start teleporting monsters on Earth again, the monsters start laying down eggs to up their numbers, so it feels like you’re stuck on a loop of exterminating the hordes to avoid the enemies gaining more ground, and it feels like this stalemate is gonna keep going… until the biblical accurate alien mothership comes back, transports and un-transports another mothership kind of vehicle, then drops an entirely new kind of alien foes, very 50s/60s scifi style android enemies that launch their grabby knifed claws from afar.

So shit was already a desperate fight for a ruins filled Earth, NOW it’s basically a desperate struggle to fuck with a 0% chance of winning against super alien Hitler with a box of green army men as actual troops…. until you fight the biblically accurate ring shaped mothership again, fuck up something… and then you’re literally in an early mission of EDF 5.

That’s true, because after this – as the game itself puts it – “The Earth Defense Force 6 begins now”.

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[EXPRESSO] Ballerina (2025) | Eve Of Destruction

Ah, yes, Ballerina, the long delayed John Wick spin-off… as in the film one, and i guess the only one people cared about, since i’m not even sure many bothered to watch The Continental, the Peacock/Amazon series also a part of the John Wick world-lore-universe, and to my understanding not many that did saw the series liked it. I didn’t bother, honestly even forgot it existed.

Ballerina follows the revenge tale of a young girl, Eva Makarro, whom, after seeing her father being killed by assassins belonging to a sect of sorts, is taken in by the Ruska Roma assassin order, and over a decade is trained into being a perfect assassin (alongside spy and ballerina), especially one meant to act as bodyguards if need be, until she eventually is promoted as a full fledged operative.

One day, after completing a job, Eva is attacked by a man bearing the same scar mark she saw on the sect men that killed her father, so she starts investigating on them, despite being advised not to by every important figure, which puts Eva as a rogue agent that threatens the fragile “peace” between the various assassin orders and the sect, prompting eventually to call upon her the “Baba Yaga”, Joh Wick himself…

Not too original, as expected, but honestly i did enjoy this more than John Wick 4, as it strikes a better balance between the straightforward revenge plot beats, the over the top yet not 100 % detatched from reality style of violent action and the whole comic-book style worldbuilding.

Ballerina definitely understands the appeal and what works of the John Wick formula, manages to expand the lore a bit while also not overusing John Wick itself, even though it takes a bit for the movie to get fully into gear.

[EXPRESSO] The Dark Nightmare/Nightmare AKA Marerittet (2022) | I Would Like To See The Baby

Jokes about the generic ass title (which is ironically even more generic in his original Norvegian title, Marerittet, “Nightmare”) aside.. actually no, the plot is also pretty generic, concerning a woman that moves into a suspiciously cheap large apartment, only to be tormented in her dreams by an entity, with the secrets behind the apartment and the demon eventually coming out…

Yeah, we’re not starting off exactly with a bang, this sound exactly like the generic template for a horror thriller movie about the supernatural one would use to parody it or use in order to subvert expectations, but its not any of that, it’s a straightforward affair, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.

Especially since when, as the plot develops, things get a bit interesting, since it’s an incubus situation through and through, and it also basically goes into The Exorcist 2-The Manitou territory as well, with the involvement of a “dream machine situation” of sorts, so its worth sticking through the fairly bog standard set up and see it through, despite some hiccups and cliches, the acting is decent, the pacing is fine, the characters are surprisingly smarter than warranted, plus i do like the balls of having an actually ambigous ending that serves to intrigue instead of sequel baiting or “bad ending” for the sake of it.

I was gonna say that i’m not too surprised this was “dumped” in theathers here during a national ticket price reductions… but actually i kinda am, this is surprisingly decent, there are some solid special effects, and in spite of its deceivingly generic setup (and it being a bit too reliant on some clichès) there is some ambition.

Nothing great or unfor, but it’s better than most of the stuff Blumhouse puts out in theathers, for example.

Aquaslash (2019) [REVIEW] | Slasher Action Park

What a waste of time.

I could have made a longer lead up to that, but sadly this one it’s just a sour disappointment, even going in just expecting it to be an enjoyable teen slasher set in an aquatic park, setting the bar fairly low but in a way that’s reasonable.

Cool title, but i’m not being too hyperbolic when i say it feels like a waste of time, period, since 80 % of Aquaslash it’s build up for the slipslide kills, and by “build up” i mean a lot of exagerrated romantic drama with deliberately exaggerated douchy teens and asshole adults characters, and a lot of cliches, which would be fine if the pay off was worth it… it ain’t.

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