[EXPRESSO] Jurassic World: Rebirth (2025) | Site R

5 years after the events of Jurassic World Dominion, dinosaurs didn’t quite adapt too well, with the surviving ones now living in remote off-limits islands with equatorial style climates.

A pharma company tasks a mercenary unit to visit one of these remote “dinosaur islands” in order to retrieve blood samples from 3 apex dinosaurs and helping further a medical research on preventing heart diseases… pity is that the island was also one of the lab sites for the original Jurassic Park where they tested hybrid dinos.

It’s kinda telling that they can’t-wont let of the Jurassic World name even when doing such an obvious “soft reboot” that mentions some things from previous Jurassic films but otherwise it’s a pretty straightforward self-contained story that aims to “go back to the basics”, “return to form”….. but actually pulls that off in pretty much regard, managing to get a good sense of adventure, of actual peril going on, alongside solid characters.

Having an actual renowed director and bringing back the screenwriter of Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park II helps too.

There’s nothing new that hasn’t been done before in basically any dinosaur media, but its familiar without feeling dull, and i do like some of the hybrid mutant dinos inhabiting the island.

It’s more than a notable improvement over the enjoyable but basically big budget Asylum affairs that were the previous JW films, undeniable…. but just “not being Jurassic Prey” doesn’t necessarily make Jurassic World Rebirth “good”, even if now for dino film is either this or way too homegrown shit films with a budget of 30 bucks and a ham sandwich.

I did quite like it personally, but it is kinda a curated “best of” that doesn’t adds anything new to the formula, maybe due to overabundant reverence to the source material.

Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge (2023) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

After Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, Mark Polonia was pretty much given the legal status as guardian of the Jurassic Shark franchise, i guess why not?

The second one….actually, the “other second one”, since Raiders Of The Lost Shark would actually be a more proper sequel made by the same director, this is the level of decadence we’re at, with Jurassic Shark having both official and “more official” sub-series.

I think i just puked in my brain a little. Or a lottle.

Back to the topic at hand, Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse was another typical Mark Polonia affair, i remember it had “young Popeye cosplaying as the captain from Tin Tin” (maybe a hint of shit to come, in hindsight), it was about another drilling underwater gig bringing out another megalodon shark, and an assassination subplot, or something?

I barely remember, which i guess is the ideal state of mind to watch these.

Continua a leggere

Land Shark (2017) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

As we learned through years of shark movies, pretty much anything goes, especially as the budgets move closer to zero, even in these cases you can do a poster that’s way better than the movie could ever be, at the very least. Money is important, but lacking it can’t stop you making your movies about shark of any kind or type, as we already saw in Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast.

It’s another Mark Polonia film, but it’s one that immediatly, even after hundreds of these no budget sharks film (often made by him or his friends-colleagues), does make one stop and reflect on the fact that – maybe, maybe – this is crossing some unspoken line or etiquette, even amongst this kind of shark film, when you make a rip-off of Sand Sharks.

And also of Super Shark, which had a giant shark somehow moving on land, but that one was actually so craptastic to be memorable, both movies far older than this, so one has to wonder if – maybe – it wasn’t intentional, but i find it hard to believe the Polonia Brothers (of all people) weren’t aware of previous movies like Sand Sharks. To be more correct, i simply don’t.

Continua a leggere

Tiko And The Shark (1962) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

Oldies time, as i’ve not yet run out of pre-Jaws shark films to cover, apparently,

And it’s oddly a wholesome one, too, as Tiko And The Shark (Ti-Koyo E Il Suo Pescecane) is the age old tale of a bond between a boy and his…. shark. Yeah.

An Italian-France coproduction by Titanus filmed in french Polynesia (the Taomatu island, specifically) and loosely based on the novel “Ti-Koyo And His Shark” by Clement Richer (though basically rewritten by Italo Calvino to be more of a fable here), the film is indeed about the friendship between Ti-Koyo, borne into a Pacific island village of fishermen, whom as a child finds a baby shark while fishing, dubbing it “Manidù”. Some years later, both grown up, they reunite and fish for oyster pearls in a secret laguna that was also their refuge when they were younger.

Continua a leggere

Maneater (2022) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

Some “fresh” meat from…. 3 years ago. Yum.

Another one i randomly bought new for cheap on DVD via Amazon, sight unseen, because my hunger for shark movies it’s apparently endless.

Written and directed by Justin Lee, Maneater’s plot is pretty much the usual affair when talking modern shark movies: a group of friends go on vacation, board a boat that brings them to a remote deserted island where to get their party on, shark happens and it’s one that developed a knack (leave Mark Cerny alone) for human flesh.

This time we don’t have teens, but people in the 30s that have been married or just concluded a long education path, which is something different, i guess, especially since the movie doesn’t have the asshole that fucks everything that moves, or cheating bullshit to pad out the human drama parts, with a subplot involving an old fisherman that harbours vengeance as great white sharks took not only his wife but also recently his daughter.

Continua a leggere

Dragon Quest Heroes II PS4 [REVIEW] | #musoumay

You could use many adjectives to describe Omega Force output from the PS2 onward, but definitely not “ambitious”, as Koei first and then Tecmo Koei keep them just as the “Dynasty Warriors” guys, a stigma that just got worse over time, even when they don’t make a Warriors title.

Can’t say its unwarranted either as there are dozens upon dozens of Warriors titles, all iterating from a formula now decades old, to the point there are entire sub-series alongside the well milked mainline Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors franchises.

But Dragon Quest Heroes II is the rare exception, as we will see.

Regardless, its not too surprising this exists, as the first DQ Heroes did well, was received quite well (especially for a musou title), so of course Koei put immediately Omega Force back to work on a sequel, which dropped the ridilicously long subtitle of the first one, and came out the following year, thought we had to wait until 2017 for a western release.

A sequel in DQ or FF fashion, in the sense it’s not a direct story sequel, this isn’t even the same world as the first Dragon Quest Heroes.

Continua a leggere

Summer Of EDF redux, Shark-A-Palooza, Idol Honses, Switch 2 and One Piece August

Update time!

Since i’m knee deep in thesis work which it’s gonna take my entire summer and up to October, i had to make some changes to the schedule up to August.

Due to personal stuff, i will be away for thi weekend, hence some EXPRESSO reviews are gonna be late or aren’t gonna happen at all, some were not gonna regardless, for example don’t expect a review of Final Destination Bloodlines as i really haven’t kept up with the series, at all, and this ain’t a reboot, it’s a direct sequel continuining from FD 5, but i will see and review Mission Impossible: Final Reckoning (aka Dead Reckoning Part 2), with some luck i can catch a preview screening for that.

Surprisingly there’s also a Largo Winch movie (this will mean something only to “Europeans” comics fans, maybe) here… but its a sequel to another Largo Winch movie they made in 2008, technically also the sequel to 2011 Largo Winch 2, so it’s the last in a trilogy that just got home video releases (not really publicized at all, too, just put out there) until now here, one i didn’t know it even existed until now.

You know, now i’m kinda tempted to see the movie anyway to see if it made sense to release it as they did. Kinda.

Expect one of Umamusume Pretty Derby too, as the original smarthphone game is finally hitting a global release in late June, i’m gonna be ready.

Summer of EDF is still gonna happen, but will be in “mini” format, meaning 2 reviews instead of the planned 4, and i guess that means we’ll still be doing it next summer, so…

On the flipside, there are gonna be more shark movie reviews, alongside some anime series’ reviews.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Death Of A Unicorn (2025) | Mediocricorns Out

Like i lamented in my review of Opus, this kind of satire about “eating the rich” has just about plateu’d itself into a modern clichè, despite the sentiment itself being more and more relevant, and Death Of A Unicorn just cements this further.

Even if it’s a killer creature feature mashed with The Menu (again, that or Knives Out), and there’s something to the concept, given the unicorn’s folklore.

The premise sees a lawyer bring along his estranged daughter to meet with the wealthy family he works for, but they accidentally hit something with the car.

That being an actual, factual unicorn, which is eventually discovered by the rich family that immediatly seizes it when they realize just their blood can do near miracolous things, and ignore the warnings of the daughter, who briefly but profondedly mind-linked with the unicorn cub…

It’s not that it doesn’t commit to its silly concept of “killer unicorns stalking-killing rich assholes”, it does so to the point its detrimental, mostly taking the idea too seriously while being stupid in a way that’s more exhauting and annoying than fun, the good cast can’t do much when these character are too fuckin stupid, it lacks some needed self-awareness, and it’s nowhere as fun as it sounds.

It also doesn’t take advantage of the absurd premise to make something creative with it, the effects are fairly good but don’t expect anything of inventive in terms of kills, for example, and while it’s under 2 hours, it feels longer, like they stretched a short movie or a comedy skit into feature lenght.

It’s at least a more coherent with itself than Opus, i will say that much, and it’s not awful, it’s just another middling entry in this already overdone, oversatured “eat the rich” style of satirical comedy.

Monster Armageddon/2025 Armageddon (2022) [REVIEW] | #giantmonstermarch

I’ve lamented the downright lethargic, nearly comatose state and distinct disinterest, so nested and in a rot The Asylum is with their output in this last period, i’ve done that before.

It’s clear whatever “magic” they summoned with Sharknado didn’t last long, and now just rest on their laurels, so to speak, as even the usual aficionados of trash got disinterested in the same way the company itself seems to be with whatever they cram out, they keep doing their thing but just because it’s what they have always done, and will keep doing until there’s not any money left off mockbustering.

I remember from a class in genre cinema i once took that – broadly speaking – a genre has reached a stage of severe stagnation when it starts becoming metatextual, to speak of itself more than anything else, as it can obstensibly find nothing else to iterate on, so it “turns on itself”.

And while it no longer hold completely true, as we’re now in a post-meta phase, if you will, there’s still a valid argument in there, because films like Monster Armageddon (released as 2025 Armageddon in trying to fool more people) validate the implied drying up of the “creative well”, and are a testament to this decade of post-irony, meta overdosing incestinal multiverse crossovers, of finding out there’s no bottom of the barrel, no real lowest of the low that can’t be “improved” upon.

I remember buying the DVD for this one for 5 bucks, sight unseen, on Amazon back in 2023, i knew it was an Asylum joint, and the cover art was nice, featuring a lots of monsters and creatures.

As with Monster Island (their mockbuster response to 2019’s Godzilla II: King Of The Monsters), the cover art is way better than the movie itself, but this time around it isn’t a complete lie like it was with that movie… as in it’s not technically a lie.

It’s worse… or is it?

Continua a leggere

12 Days Of Dino Dicember #47: The Secret Of The Loch (1934)

Time for an oldie, and no, i don’t mean Gertie The Dinosaur (though eventually we’ll cover it), we’re “only” going back to the 1930’s with The Secret Of The Loch, released in the very same year the infamous “Surgeon’s Photo” depicting an unknown, plesiosaur-esque creature peaking out of the Loch Ness lake in Scotland, which in turn made more rumors and sightings of strange creatures around and about the lake go around, so jumping on the bandwagon was thing back then too.

As the infamous aforementioned photo allegedly depicting “Nessie” wasn’t 100 % proven to be a hoax until decades later, it helped set up what would become the entire thing of cryptozoology, but filmakers didn’t care to wait, gotta strike fast, so the British-based Ealing Studios did, with Milton Rosmer directing this comedy adventure film about the Loch Ness creature.

The first movie ever made about the cryptid in question, which nowadays it’s a rarely used subject, but eventually we had films about it like The Water Horse in 2007 or the more recent b-horror movie The Loch Ness Horror. As in, the one from 2023, not the one from 1981 also called that.

In terms of plot, The Secret Of The Loch is exactly what you’d think it would be, and displays some irony, because it’s about a nutty Scottish professor trying to prove the existence of the Loch Ness monster, in spite of everyone else calling him cuckoo for that, followed by a zany reporter that wants to get the scoop on the story.

Continua a leggere